The Kid & Me: Chapter Seven: Leaving The Past Behind

Author's Note: Thanks again for stopping by. If you are new to this story and would like to start at the beginning you may do so by using the links in the right hand column to navigate from chapter to chapter. Also, any small picture can be enlarged by clicking on it. Feel free to leave your comments or questions, and thanks once again for reading.

"Forget the past and live the present hour."
~ Sarah Knowles Bolton (1841-1916)


"Learn from the past but don't dwell on it."~ unknown


"Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, American poet


"Do not let the future be held hostage by the past."
~ Neal Maxwell


"Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Love is content with the present, it hopes for the future, and it does not brood over the past. It's the day-in and day-out chronicle of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories and working toward common goals. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things that are missing. If you don't have love in your life, no matter what else there is, it's not enough."
~ Ann Landers

Most of us have at one time or another said things to a love one in a moment of anger that we totally regretted later. Such was the case when I had blurted out to Bettie about Frank and Arcadia being married. I regretted having done so but was eventually able to set it right. Sometimes words can so cruel and hurtful that although we may not mean them, it doesn't lessen the pain felt by the one sitting in their path. When I said what I did to Betty, I no more meant it than if I had said I was flying to Mars in the morning. Yet, the cruelty in them was unmistakable, and the anguished look on her face was undeniable. Once said, there is no taking those words back, and sometimes there may be no way to undo the damage. I had been given a reprieve in my friendship with Frank, but would I have the chance to do the same with Bettie, who was now so much a part of my life? The thought of never having the chance to do so hurt way more than the well deserved slap she had rendered. And she was right. I was a bastard. I had been a bastard for a good part of my life.

In the film, The Natural, Glenn Close had told Robert Redford that we all live two lives, the one we learn with and the one we live with. I was obviously still stuck in the learning stage of my life, and the way things were going, I would be detained there for a long time to come.

Dag was inconsolable. Bettie had become so much a part of Dag's life that the pain I had caused Bettie had been inflicted on Dag as well. I told Dag I was sorry over and over and I promised her I would do everything in my power to get Bettie back, but after what I had said and done I wasn’t sure even I could pull that miracle off. Eventually I was able to calm her down, and although the crying had ended I knew she was still feeling the pain of possibly losing the one person who meant more to her than anything. And if the truth be known, so was I.

I went to the phone to call Bettie's house. There was no answer but I hung up and dialed several more times in the faint hope that she would miraculously answer the ring but it wasn't to be.

Next I tried calling Frank and Arcadia and I had no better luck there. They weren't home either. I had run out of ideas and although I could take Dag around the neighborhood with me to look for Bettie, taking Laurie was out of the question. And as if she was reading my thoughts, I heard Laurie beginning to wail from the upstairs bedroom. I headed for the stairs with Dag racing ahead of me.

"What do you suppose could be wrong, Dag?" I was ready to kick myself for not having paid closer to Bettie's lessons in the care and feeding of one Laurie Pendleton Baker.

"I think she did a stinky," Dag said.

As we approached Laurie, any doubt about Dag's detective prowess in regards to what was Laurie's problem was erased. Laurie had not only done a stinky, she seemed to have cornered the market on the product.

"Do you know anything about changing diapers," I asked hopefully.

"Well, Bettie showed me but I never did do it by myself," she answered.

"I guess I'll have to settle for that. I'll do the changing and you can be my tour guide."

"What's a tour guide?," Dag asked.

"It's somebody who shows you how to get from A to Z when you don't know the middle of the alphabet. Sort of like a teacher"

"Okay, I think I can do that," she answered. "I know all of the letters from A to Z."

I lifted Laurie out of the crib. She was looking at me as if she weren't too sure about what was going to happen. It was probably because I had the same exact look plastered onto my own face.

"Well kid, it's time to hit the adventure trail," I told her.

"Usually when Laurie does a stinky Bettie gives her a bath because if you don't she'll just keep on smelling," Dag said.

In the matter of a minute we had gone from changing a diaper to now having to bathe Laurie. I guess it was time to face up to the fact that I was in the rapid advancement class of infant care. Although I hadn't watched Bettie bathing Laurie for a very long time that day, I felt as if I had seen enough to possibly get by. At least for Laurie's sake I was hoping to.

I gingerly laid Laurie down on the changing table.

"First you unfasten the tape and then you wipe her bottom with those," Dag said pointing to a container on one of the shelves.

I unfastened the tapes, and sure enough the diaper came undone. Dag had already reached for the wipes and was holding them up to me. I lifted Laurie's legs skyward and began to wipe.

"Better get some more, Dag," I said. "I think she went into overdrive delivering this package." Dag duteously handed me some more wipes.

"Where do the damaged goods go?" I asked.

"The what?" she asked.

"The stinky stuff," I answered. Dag pointed to a pail sitting next to the changing table then stepped on a pedal causing the lid to fly open. While picking up Laurie with one arm, I deposited her present to me with the other. I started to walk towards the bathroom.

"You better hurry daddy because sometimes she leaks," Dag informed me. Knowing Dag's propensity for spouting words of infinite wisdom I walked a little faster.

I turned on the water until it was running lukewarm. Laurie continued to look at me suspiciously as if she was praying for some divine intervention to come in and save her from what was about to happen. The sink quickly filled and I prepared to launch the U.S.S. Laurie from dry dock.

"Well Laurie," I said. "It's time to sink or swim."

As Dag hid her eyes, lest she be called to testify in court as to what was about to take place, I gave Laurie a toss in the air and plopped her into the water splashing me, the sink, the floor, and the counter. It wasn't pretty but she had landed safely in the ocean. Dag, who had been holding her breath, let it come out in one big "Whooooooosh."
She then proceeded to cheer my debut performance.

"You did it daddy, you did it."

"Thank you ladies and gentleman, thank you. You're just too kind but excuse me if I don't take a bow at the moment" I told her. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do an encore performance anytime soon.

I began to run the water up and down Laurie as I had seen Bettie do that afternoon. Laurie looked at me as if to say, well maybe this old buzzard isn't so bad after all. I continued to bathe her.

"How long do I keep her in?" I asked Dag.

"Till she doesn't smell anymore," was Dag's answer.

"Extremely logical, Mr. Spock," I told her. I bathed Laurie for quite a while, as if she were the sink in Dag's bathroom I had scrubbed some months back. I would have kept on cleaning her too if Dag hadn't spoken.

"She doesn't smell anymore, Daddy. I think you can take her out before she gets wrinkly."

"Well, we wouldn't want her to get all wrinkly at this age would we? Women are very sensitive about those kinds of things." I pulled Laurie out, threw a towel over her and carried her back to the changing table. My new shadow known as Dag followed close behind.

I laid her on the table and proceeded to dump the powder on her sparkling clean bottom when Dag yelled.

"No daddy, you have to put the diaper under her first!."

"Oh yeah, I know that. I was just making sure you were paying attention." Dag reached down under the table and pulled out a diaper. "I'll lift up her legs and you put the diaper under it the right way, Dag." I lifted Laurie's legs and Dag slid the diaper underneath her.

"Good job," I told her. "You get the blue ribbon for diaper placement." I proceeded to shake the baby powder onto Laurie's diaper until a white cloud of dust appeared just as I had seen Bettie do it. When Dag began coughing and Laurie began sneezing, I took that as a sign that I had used enough. The question was now what? Dag, the amazing soothsayer came to my rescue.

"Do you want me to tell you how the tapes go? She asked.

"If the lady would be so kind," I answered.




Dag instructed me step by step on how to pull the front of the diaper up and fasten it to the back using the tapes. I never could figure out why babies didn't come out with instructions tattooed on their backside. I looked at my handiwork and graded it a 4.1 in the diaper changing Olympics. In other words, it might temporarily keep me in the competition but I wasn't going to win a medal.


I gingerly laid Laurie back in her crib and her eyes quickly began to close. I looked at my watch and it was already almost nine o'clock.

"Go get into your pajamas, sweetie," I told Dag. "And I'll come and tuck you in, in just a little bit. You've been more than helpful. I gave her a hug and she headed slowly for the stairs her head hanging low. The reason was obvious. Now that Laurie had been taken care of the house seemed empty and lifeless without Bettie. I decided to try to call her once again.


Again the phone rang ten, twenty times and there was no answer. Once again I dialed Frank and Arcadia's, and again no answer. I dejectedly hung up the phone, hurriedly changed into my own pajamas and went to tuck Dag in. She had not lain down but was sitting dejectedly on the edge of the bed.

I sat down across from her. I knew it was time for 20,000 questions.



"Daddy, why do grownups say such mean things when they don't mean it" On the surface Dag's questions always seemed simple but they were never easy to answer. I took a deep breath.

"It's just not grownups Dag. Even little kids say mean things sometime," I answered.

"Yeah, I know that. But when other kids tease someone and are mean, they just do it to because they like being mean. You didn't want to be mean to Bettie did you?" she asked.

"No sweetie, of course I didn't. As you grow up you're going to find times when you get angry or hurt and you're not mad at anyone in particular. When you get angry like that you don't always think about what you're saying until it's too late. I wasn't mad at Bettie. I was angry at myself. Bettie was just there. I'm sorry for what I did but that doesn't make it right."

Dag sat contemplating for a moment but I knew she wasn't finished.

"You've been sad for a long time since Laurie's mom died," she said. "I was sad when my mommy died too....but....I guess I was mad too because God took her away from me. I wasn't mad at anybody.....I was just mad. I guess that's why I put the pizza on the floor. I wasn't really mad at you."

The pizza incident Dag spoke about had happened so long ago I had forgotten about it. I had been too stupid, foolish and wrapped up in myself when she first arrived to even think about how she must have felt being pawned off on someone, to not have any family to love and care about her. I thought about my own rejection of her at the time and felt a sense of shame.


"I know Dag, and I should have understood better, but as you've seen from time to time I do have a tendency to be a blockhead."

She smiled, a slight one but it was good to at least see a small smile coming from her. "I know," she said.

"You didn't have to agree with me," I said smiling back at her. But her smile quickly faded.

"Do you think Bettie will come back?" she asked. "I miss her." It had been less than a day since Bettie had run off, but to Dag it must have seemed like an eternity. In all honesty, it seemed at least as long if not longer.

"I hope she comes back. I'm going to do everything I can to get her to come back. I miss her very much also."


"Do you love Bettie," she asked me.

"Yes I do, Dag. I feel like she's part of our family."

"Do you love her.....well.....you know," Dag said hesitantly. "In a very special way, like when my mommy loved my daddy." There it was. The question she had been driving at all along. I felt she deserved an answer and an honest one.

"Yes Dag, I love her in a very special way. And I hope someday I can tell her that." Dag smiled, jumped on my lap and gave me a big hug. She then said her prayers ending it with, "And please bring Bettie home to us."



After covering her up, I stood and watched as Dag quickly fell asleep from exhaustion. It had been a long trying day. With Dag asleep and Laurie likewise, this would be the time that Bettie and I would often sit in front of the TV watching a movie or just talking. Sometimes we would sit there chatting late into the night not realizing what time it was. Now, with both girls asleep the house seemed cavernous.


I had decided to sleep in Bettie's bed in case Laurie was to awaken during the night. As I pulled the blankets up over me I knew there would not be any sleep. The sheets smelled of Bettie’s perfume and were a constant nagging reminder to me of her absence.



So instead of trying to sleep I began reading a book Bettie had left by the bed. It was Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. It was one of the classics I knew I should have read ages ago but never saw much point in doing so. I tried picturing myself as Heathcliffe and Bettie as Catherine, until things began to get a bit haywire with the two of them. I read past Catherine telling Nelly, "I am Heathcliffe" but when Catherine began to die during childbirth I hurriedly slammed the book shut and was ready for sleep.

And I dreamed. I dreamed I was walking through a fog. At times I would sometimes see Susan but when I reached out for her she would be gone, only to be replaced by Bettie. I would holler at Bettie and run after her, but then she too would be gone. Then from nowhere out of the fog came Charlene, laughing at me and taunting me. And then suddenly There was the wail of a baby crying and I quickly awakened.

I jumped out of bed and stretched. Bettie's alarm clock said it was four a.m. I removed Laurie from the crib, felt her diaper to find out that it was damp. This time I was able to change her without any help. However, she was still crying. Then it dawned on me. Laurie hadn't been fed all evening. Children services would justifiably lock me up and throw away the key.



"Sorry about that old gal!" I told her as if she could even begin to understand what that meant. I hurried downstairs to the kitchen, taking Laurie with me.

I quickly opened the refrigerated and uttered thanks to Bettie for having left an ample supply of bottles for Laurie to chow down on. After quickly warming it in the bottle warmer just as I had seen Bettie do, and then sprinkling it on my wrist as I had seen a thousand other mothers do in every TV series since Father Knew Best, I aimed the bottle for her mouth, she opened wide and the nipple made a three point landing right in the hanger. Laurie began to devour the formula as I wondered around the dark, empty kitchen and dining room.

As she slurped, I looked at her and thought to myself, "At least you didn't get my nose kid or they would be giving you a rough time in the school yard." I had never looked at Laurie the way I looked at her now. She undoubtedly had my eyes, possibly my mouth. Everything else about her was 100 percent Susan. And for some reason, it amazed me how both of our features had blended together to form Laurie. It is something I had never thought of before. Laurie wasn't just Susan's baby, she was mine also. It was as if I were looking at a partial mirror image of the both of us forever bound together by this child.

When I felt Laurie had drank enough, I placed her on my shoulder and patted her back the way I had seen Bettie do it so often. In a matter of seconds she let loose with a loud burp.

"Well, excuse you little miss tugboat," I said. It was then that I realized we were standing directly underneath Susan's portrait.

As I looked at the painting on the wall, I heard a voice inhabiting my thoughts. The voice was saying, "Tell her I love her Joe, tell her everyday."


It had been Susan's last request. A request I had willingly pushed out of my mind because of my own selfish feelings of guilt, feelings that had also caused me to reject the child who was a part of both of us.

"I'm sorry Susan," I said softly. "Where ever you are, I hope you can forgive me." And then I took Laurie off of my shoulder and held her out facing the portrait.

I spoke to her gently, and it didn't matter that she didn't have a clue as to what the words I spoke meant, but in time she would know and would understand.

"Laurie, this is your mother. She told me to tell you she was sorry she couldn't be here for you. But she loved you more than anything or anybody. You meant the world to her, so if you're ever feeling alone or lonely as you grow up, always remember that Susan's spirit is right there with you and watching over you."

It may have been my imagination, but I thought Laurie had smiled when I said that. We stood there for a long time looking at the portrait.

As Laurie started to doze again I put her on my shoulder.

"I won't fail you again, Susan," I whispered and headed upstairs to return the sleeping Laurie back to her crib.


I stood by her, just as Bettie and Dag often did, and I wondered how I could have ever rejected this child that was so much a part of the friend I had loved and so much a part of myself. It was six a.m. and soon it would be time to fix Dag her breakfast and send her off to school. I pulled up a chair, picked up Wuthering Heights and continued reading about the trials and tribulations of Heathcliffe, now without Catherine. By the time I ended, it was time to try my hand at fixing breakfast for Dag. It seemed like a good day for Captain Crunch.

Before beginning that chore I decided to try Frank and Arcadia's again, despite the fact that it was 7:30 in the morning. This time it was answered on just the third ring.

"I didn't wake you did I Frank," I said, not really caring much whether I had or not.

"Hey Buddy! Nah! We just got in. We spent the night up at the Casino in Fresno! Is something wrong? Has to be something wrong if you're calling this early in the morning," he said just a hint of alarm in his voice.

"Well, yeah Frank there is. You didn't see Bettie yesterday or this morning did you?" I asked.

"She's not there with you?" he answered his voice becoming a bit more urgent.

I tried to calm his fears. "No Frank, but I don't think you have to worry about her safety. We had a falling out. It was entirely my fault as usual."



"A falling out? You and Bettie? I can't remember you two ever exchanging harsh words. So what happened?"

I told him the story from beginning to end, starting with Susan's death, how I had been since then and ending it with Bettie's slap and how she had run off in tears.

"She should have kicked you squarely in the behind a week ago is what she should have done," Frank said when I had finished. "Maybe it would have knocked some sense into you!"

I couldn't disagree with him. "Right Frank, I know you're right but that doesn't change what happened. I need to see her, to talk to her."

"If she comes over today, I'll talk to her and let her know. Meanwhile how are you handling Dag and Laurie on your own?"

"I'm getting by okay. Dag is depressed because of Bettie running off. She misses her a lot and.......well so do I." I added.


Frank was silent for a moment before speaking. "I'll tell you what, I've got some things to take care of this morning but Arcadia and I will run over this afternoon. She's wanted to see Laurie and I have too. I think we need to have a long talk, buddy....a very long talk."

"Did you try the house?" Frank asked.

"I've called over there several times but either she's not there or she's not answering the phone. Take your pick. I can't get out right now without someone to look after Laurie."

"I'll tell you what, Buddy; I'll run over there in a little bit and see if she's there. If she is I'll give you a call. Whether she wants to talk to you or not is up to her though, but at least you'll know she's okay. If you don't hear from me than you know she wasn't there."

"Thanks Frank. Thanks a lot....and Frank?"

"Yeah buddy, what is it?"

"You know I wouldn't have intentionally hurt her."

"I know that, Bud," he said quietly. "I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks Frank. Thanks again."

"No problem, Joe. We'll see you this afternoon." And he hung up the phone. I went into fix Dag's breakfast.

After waging an inner debate trying to choose between Fruit Loops or the Chocolate Pebbles, I finally settled on the chocolate. I had just poured the milk into the bowl and was ready to wake up Dag when I heard the door to her bedroom slam shut. I turned around just in time to see Dag running at full gallop into the kitchen, and then she stopped dead in her tracks. I knew without asking what the problem was. She had heard me stirring around in the kitchen and thought Bettie had returned.

"Chocolate cereal, this morning!," I said in the most cheerful voice I could muster. But the glum look on Dag's face spoke volumes. She slowly walked over to take a seat at the table. She picked up her spoon and began to slowly stir it around in the bowl.

"Are you making chocolate milk?" I said slowly beginning to stir my own. "Chocolate milk on chocolate cereal sounds good to me." But she continued to stir.


"I thought Bettie might have come back," she said.

"No, not yet I'm going to try and find out where she is today though." I began to lose my appetite also.

After taking two small bites of the cereal Dag looked up at me. "Can I be excuse? I'm not really hungry this morning." The sad puppy dog look in her eyes was tearing my heart out.

"Sure baby, go ahead and get ready for school."

Dag walked slowly out of the kitchen, head hung down. I took one more bite of the cereal then gave up and began to clear the table off while thinking of the night Bettie and I had spent till the wee hours of the morning munching on toaster pastries and conversing and how beautiful she had looked. I let loose with a huge sigh.


By the time I had entered the living room, Dag was sitting on the floor, already dressed and clutching Mr. Bear for all he was worth. I hurried in to shower and dress. She was still sitting there when I returned twenty minutes later. I could hear Laurie crying from the upstairs bedroom. She was wet again so I quickly changed her and brought her downstairs for another feeding. This time she only drank a small portion of the bottle. So I decided to bathe her again.


I bathed Laurie in the kitchen sink which was quite a bit larger than the ones upstairs. It made it a lot easier and Laurie seemed to appreciate not being squeezed into the bathroom sink as if she were a Vlasic dill pickle. Dag didn't bother to stay and watch this time so I was on my own. I was surprised that now that my apprehension had vanished, it was becoming easier to care for her.


By the time I had finished, Dag had finally gotten up off the floor and come into the kitchen. So I held Laurie out for her to play with and Dag obliged by doing her usual peek-a-boo routine. It was easy to tell her heart wasn't in it. Laurie didn't mind. For her, any comedy act seemed to be a good one.


I took Laurie into the living room and begin to play with her hoping that somehow Dag would want to join in. It didn't work but I found my self enjoying making Laurie giggle as I lifted her up and then kissed her Belly. When she seemed to grow tired of the game, I carried her upstairs to return her to her crib. As I did I heard the sound of Dag's school bus pull up. I rushed down the stairs where she was already standing on the sidewalk.

"I'll do everything I can to find Bettie and ask her to come back," I told Dag as I reached down to hug her.

"I know you will Daddy," she responded. "I just miss her."


So I gave Dag my love with a quick kiss on the side of her mouth which she promptly wiped off with the back of her hand. Then she was off to school leaving me alone in the house with Laurie.

The school bus had no sooner pulled out than Allison Bertino walked up to deliver the mail, ignoring me as she always had done since that morning so long ago when she had nailed me smooching Audrey at the door. Hesitantly I approached her.

"Hi Allison, How are you doing?" I asked as pleasantly as I possibly could. She didn't speak.

"Look Allison, I can understand you hating me. Heck, if I were in your shoes I'd hate me too. I know I took advantage of you and there’s nothing I can do or say that is going to change what happened. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for what I did."

She didn't respond, but I continued anyway. "I'm not asking your forgiveness or anything like that. I just wanted you to know that I am sorry."


Finally Alison nodded. "I’ll take that. I guess I'm old enough that I should have known better. It wasn't like your reputation didn't precede you. I've seen you out here with your kid. Dag's a nice girl. And I heard about Susan. I used to deliver her mail and when she would see me she always took time to talk for a while. She was a very nice lady."

"Yeah she was, she was all of that and a good friend." I started to walk away but turned back.

"You haven't seen Bettie around on your route this morning by any chance?"

"No, no I haven't. I'm used to her being out here with you when Dag goes to school."

Her answer was disappointing but I thanked her. I decided to take a quick stroll around the yard since Laurie was snug in her bed asleep.

When I reached the telescope I stopped to gaze through it, thinking about that night it had been "broken" and needed "fixed". I chuckled. "Broken my foot," I said to nobody in particular. I took another look into the sky.

"Yeah Bettie, you were right. It was Venus, the goddess of love."

When I reached the pond, I took a few minutes to sit on the bench. I remembered the many nights Bettie and I had spent out here talking about so many things. It wasn't that what we talked about was memorable, but being next to her, talking to her, having her by my side always was. I lingered for a while before returning to the house in case Laurie decided to wake up.

Before Dag returned home again, Laurie woke up and I spent about three hours taking care of her before she was ready to lay back down. When Dag did get home, she came in hopeful, but those hopes were quickly dashed. She took Mister Bear back up into arms and began talking to him again. I was sitting there watching trying to think where Bettie might have gone. Frank had not called back so she wasn't at home. Finally I slapped my forehead, wondering how I could have been so stupid. Erika had driven off in a snit at the same time. Certainly she would have tracked Bettie down and made sure she was okay. I knew I would be the last person on earth Erika would want to talk to but I really didn't care. I got up and dialed the phone. Erika answered on the first ring.



"Hello, Erika it's Joe," I said after she had answered. Her reaction was about what I expected.

"What do you want? I told you to find yourself another gardener."

"Look Erika. I'm sorry about what happened the other day. If there was any way I could take it back I would. I'm not even going to try to make excuses."

"So?" was all she said.

"Did you see Bettie after you left?" I asked.

"Now why would I see Bettie?" she answered. "After the way you screamed and cursed at her I wouldn't be surprised if you never see her again."

"Look Erika, I'm a jerk. I admit it. There are a hundred other names you can call me if you want to. At the moment I really don’t care. All that matters to me is that I find Bettie so that I can talk to her. Nobody's seen her since she left, not her father or Arcadia."

"Why is Bettie, so important to you all of a sudden? She didn't seem important to you yesterday?"

"I'm not going to stand here and make excuses for yesterday Erika. But to say Bettie isn't important to me is just plain wrong and you know it. She means a lot to me, can't you see that?"

"Hah!" she answered back. "If she means so much to you then why in the hell didn't you show it? She's done everything for you and you sure showed your appreciation in a big way by screaming at her like some kind of lunatic"


"Like I said, Erika, I'm not trying to excuse what I did yesterday. But how can I tell her I'm sorry if I can't find her to talk to her? I wouldn't intentionally have hurt her, and I think you know that. How.....," I almost said how can I tell her I love her if I can't talk to her but I didn't. It was something Erika didn't need to know. The feelings I had for Bettie were between me and her. "Geezzus Erika, what I did is tearing me up inside."

"So, you want to talk to her in order to ease your guilty conscience?"



I sighed. I could see I was getting absolutely nowhere with Erika.

"Erika, it's not that. I've done enough rotten things in my life that I'll probably have a guilty conscience the rest of my life. Do you think I can even forgive myself for what I said to her?"


She was silent for a long time. "Well the next time I see her when and if I do I'll give her your message. And when and if YOU see her....." she hesitated again for a second, "you had better take my advice and quit being so emotionally retarded and start appreciating what you have in life. You have a chance for something many people would die for. Don't blow it."

"Okay, Erika. You're right. Thanks. I appreciate it."

I hung up the phone but after I hung up I had the funny strangest feeling that Erika knew something that she wasn't telling me. She had never directly said that she had or hadn't seen Bettie.


I had no sooner returned to the couch when the doorbell rang. I jumped up to answer it and Dag jumped up following close behind.

Outside was Frank and Arcadia. I had almost forgotten that Frank told me they would be over. I was glad to see them. Perhaps they could help Dag take her mind off of Bettie.

"Hey Frank!, glad you two could finally make your way over here. It's about time."

"Well, we keep busy. When I'm off work it seems like Arcadia and I are always on the go."

"On the go everywhere but here," I laughed. Dag had followed me outside and when she saw that Bettie wasn't with them her head began to droop again.


"What's wrong Dag, honey," Arcadia said. "You look down in the dumps."

"I'm okay," Dag said meekly.

"Then come here and give Arcadia a big hug." Dag willingly obliged.

"I take it you haven't seen or heard from Bettie?" I whispered to Frank.

"No, nothing. I'll talk to you about it later" He whispered back.

"So, are you going to show me your new baby sister, Dag," Arcadia asked her.

"We have to go upstairs. She might still be asleep," Dag replied.

"Well if she's asleep I'll just wake her up."

Arcadia and Dag were already up the stairs before Frank and I had taken our first step. When we got there they were standing over a sleeping Laurie. True to Arcadia's word Laurie wouldn't be asleep very long.


She reached down to lift her out of the crib.

"Joe! She's gorgeous! Absolutely beautiful!"

"Isn't she gorgeous, Frank?,"

"Yeah, she is," Frank replied with a grin, "but only because she doesn't look like her father."

"Yuk, yuk, yuk. Always the one with the wise cracks, aren't you Frank. She has my eyes, but yeah the rest of her is all Susan."

Frank began waving at her. "Hi Laurie, how are you doing. I see you've managed to survive the big lug over there for a couple of days. Anyone who does that deserves a medal."

"Play peek-a-boo with Laurie, Uncle Frank. She likes peek-a-boo."

Frank bent down as if Laurie was talking to him. "What's that Laurie? You want to play peek-a-boo?"

Frank was more than happy to oblige. I have to admit he looked both goofy and silly, but in a lovable sort of way. By the time he finished, Laurie was giggling steadily. There's no doubt she was going to be an attention seeker.

"So, Joe. Are you ready to go out?" Frank asked me when he was finished.

"Out where?"

"Out on the town. There's a new pool hall that just opened up I thought we would check it out."

"I don't know, Frank....I don't think I should."

"Nonsense!" Arcadia interjected. "If anybody needs to go out it’s you. I'll stay here and look after Laurie and Dag. They'll be just fine"


"Yeah, buddy," Frank added, "When was the last time you went out and cut loose a little?" I had been out often over the past eight or nine months including shopping with Bettie and Dag, going for a walk in the park with Bettie and sometimes Dag, the Dodgers game, and going to the movies with Bettie and Dag. But I knew that's not what he meant.

"It has been a while, but still...," I hesitated. "I guess it'll do me some good to get out for a while." I also knew Frank had ulterior motives for us going out. He had said he wanted to talk to me and it would be the only way he could get me alone.

"It's all settled then," Arcadia said. "You two go on out and I'll stay here and take care of the young uns. And don't worry about a thing, Joe. Stay out as long as you need to."

Frank and I headed down the stairs. "I'll be carrying him in at dawn," Frank hollered back at her.

"Let's not get carried away, Frank," Arcadia hollered back. Downstairs we called a cab and in a few minutes it swung by to pick us up. Whatever it was Frank had to say, he was going to wait until later to bring it up. During the cab ride all he talked about was baseball, football and basketball.

The new place was not only a pool hall, it had a bar and grill, darts, and a band jamming in a partitioned off corner in the back.

"Let's check this out," I told Frank.

"The band’s not very good are they?," I said.

"Nope, that certainly are not," Frank replied.

"I wonder how much they're getting paid for this gig?"


"I think they're working for tips," Frank said pointing to jars scattered around the musicians. There was money in them but not much. Then a slight grin came across his face.

"Do you want to show them how it's done," Frank said. "There's nobody on the piano."

"I don't know," I replied. "An old guy like me? What could I teach them?"

"Shoot," Frank said. "That guy back there on the guitar has to be at least thirty." About that time the same guitarist screwed up another chord.

"Yeah," I said, a smile coming across my face. "I think they need some help."

I opened the gate and walked into the band area. I was suddenly feeling brave. I pointed to the female guitarist.

"Okay guys, this is a blues riff in B, watch me for the changes and try to keep up." They looked at me as if they didn't know what I was talking about. I guess they didn't know Marty McFly or had even seen Back to the Future. "Give me your best Twinkle, twinkle little star, on the downbeat." They didn't buy that either.

"Don't have much of a sense of humor do they, Frank?" I hollered back at him.

"No buddy, they sure don't. Show them how it's done." I sat down at the piano. They had been playing country but I didn't have that in my repertoire.

"Do you know any oldies?" I asked the drummer, "say Johnny B. Goode". She nodded affirmatively and smiled. "Let's hit it then," I said, ready to relive one of my favorite movie moments.

Now I have never claimed to be the best piano player in the world, but I was certainly more than adequate. And the fact was that once we got into it, they built some enthusiasm and started playing better.

And as the place began to fill up so did the tip jars. I have to admit that for the first time in a long time I was beginning to enjoy myself. I must have played about three numbers, but by then they seemed to have hit their stride and didn't need my help. I went to join Frank who was sitting at a table, already having ordered us a drink.

When I sat down, he wasted no time in getting to the point.

"So buddy, how long have you been in love with my daughter?"



To say I was surprised by the question was an understatement. It was more like pure shock. I could only surmise that Arcadia had finally told him about the Thanksgiving dance session. I tried avoiding his question. "How did you know?" I asked him.

He took a large swallow from his glass. "Do I have stupid tattooed on my forehead or something? Ever since she started looking after Dag it's been Joe this and Joe that and Dag this and Dag that. Whenever she comes over I feel like Bettie's reciting a recycled script from The Brady Bunch."

"Arcadia told you didn't she?" I said.

"Yeah, she told me today after you called. I never could fool you could I?"

"So how do you feel about it Frank?"

"How honest do you want me to be," He asked.

"Totally honest." I replied.

Frank didn't mince his words. "If I were to make a list of a hundred thousand guys I would want Bettie to latch onto, you sure as heck wouldn't be on it. You're rude and egotistical. You've slept with half the women in the state. You've never had to work a day in your life."

"So I can take it that you don't approve?"

"Shut up for once and let me finish," he said taking another drink while motioning for the waitress to bring us another round.

"On the other hand, you've been the best friend anyone could ask for. You've stuck with me through the best of times and the worst of times. There are only two reasons why I was able to survive after Shelley was killed. Reason number one is Bettie."


"She was just a kid then but she grew up fast. She's nineteen going on thirty. Bettie practically raised Nick herself. She was more like a mother to him than a sister. It was Bettie that kept me from dwelling so long on Shelley's death. She forced me to do things I wasn't ready to do. Heck, she's the one who's been running the house ever since she was 10. She learned how to cook, clean, and sew all on her own and somehow managed to keep at least a B average all through school."

"And reason number two?" I asked.


"Reason number two was you. You were there every day giving me a shoulder to cry on. You helped pull me out of my depression. You helped with Nick and Bettie, treated them better than I did most of the time. And there's something else you did that you seem to have forgotten about over the years. It was you that suggested Shelley and I take Bettie in after her folks died. If you never did another worthwhile thing in your life, that alone would more than make up for it."

"And you certainly stuck by Susan. She took you under her wing and you ended up being her protector instead of the other way around. If you hadn't been there, there is no way she would have survived living in that lunatic household with those idiotic parents of hers. She once told me that you were her lifeline and her anchor, but not to let you know that because you already had the big head from the way girls always fawned over you."

Frank chuckled and so did I. He then raised his glass. "Let's drink to Susan," he said quietly. We tapped our glasses and downed the contents. Frank motioned the waitress to bring two more then stood up.

"Let's go shoot some pool before I get all misty eyed," he said. I followed him over to the pool tables.

Frank continued to talk while I chalked up my cue stick and prepared to break.

"The trouble with you buddy has been that except for me and the kids and Susan, you never wanted anybody to know that you gave a rat's behind about anything. Even when we were kids it took you a while to open up. The thing is I know you do care about some things. You've more than shown it. But when you see yourself doing that, you zip it right up and hide it, like it's something to be ashamed of. And because of that you keep screwing up royally and end up getting hurt more than if you opened up and let it show"

There was a rattle as the pool balls broke and separated. "Do you think Bettie will forgive me?"

I prepared to take another shot.

"Buddy, I ain’t gonna lie to you. You screwed up big time. But what the heck. We all screw up. You must have hurt her pretty bad. But I was the same way when Shelley died that you've been. I didn't want to do anything, didn't want to go anywhere, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. She knows how close you and Susan were."

"She's just hurting right now but eventually will understand what it was really about. And there's another reason why I think she'll be back soon."

"What's that?" I asked as I lined up my next shot.

"As much as I may not understand it or like the idea she is certifiably nuts about you. Always has been. Probably because although you've called her a kid most of her life, I can't remember you've ever treating her or Nick like one. Even when they were young. I used to get jealous when you would come over sometimes and sit and talk to them as if they were your best buddies. Or joke, clown around and wrestle with them. If you had done the way most people do, and oooohed and ahhhhhed and said here's a nickel for a candy bar little one, or some goofy mushy stuff, I doubt if Bettie would have thought as highly about you as she does."

"Your shot," I said.

"Now I got something else to say to you," Frank said as he lined up his shot.

There was no doubt Frank was giving me the ultimate lecture, but I didn't mind it. It felt good to have him giving me his advice. "What's that," I asked.

He stood up without taking his shot. "I know that you miss Susan. I miss her too. I know you've been kicking yourself over getting her pregnant. You're blaming yourself for her dying because you can't answer the question, "Why did it have to happen?” Let me tell you something, Joe. There's a lot of tragedy in this world and there's never a real reason as to why it happens. People who spend the rest of their lives asking that are never going to find the answer. So what can we do? All anybody can do is mourn their passing, remember them in their hearts, and then move on. Sometimes, there just aren't any answers. That was the hardest lesson I've ever learned"

He bent down to line up his shot again.

I thought about what Frank had said. They were words I would think about often in the years ahead.

As Frank and I continued playing, a dark haired attractive woman came over to the table and started staring at me. Once upon a time I craved the attention. Now it was annoying and bothersome making me feel uncomfortable.

As I was trying to line up one shot she spoke. "You're Joe Baker, aren't you?" she said. Her voice sounded low, too low as if she were trying to make it sound sultry and sexy. To me it was neither. It was only an intrusion that I didn’t welcome.

"I've heard a lot about you. I always wanted to meet you."

"Glad to meet you too," I muttered and took the shot.

"Scratch!" Frank said as the cue ball shot into the corner pocket on an easy shot. I stood up and the woman moved closer.

"My name is Nola," she said extending her hand. I quickly shook it then turned to watch Frank lining up his shot. "Why don't you come over to the bar and buy me a drink?" she said.

"What? You can't afford one on your own?" I said getting irritated.

"You are a funny guy, just like they said!"

"I wasn't trying to be." It was obvious that Nola was just another of the many Charlene types I had met over the years. It was my turn to take the shot again. If sarcasm didn't chase her off maybe being nice would.

"We're playing pool right now Mona, maybe later I'll buy you a drink."

“That's okay, Joe. I'll just stay here and watch you play,” she replied.

So much for that experiment. I rolled my eyes and looked at Frank, nodding my head towards the chairs. Nola had ended the pool game for us so we went over to the table where our drinks were.

Frank sat down. I didn't. Nola had paced me every step of the way. I winked at Frank and turned around.

"You are sexy though. Why don't we get together? I'm sure you wouldn't be disappointed."

"Hmmm....you think you've got what it takes to satisfy a man like me?" I asked her.

"Sweetie, I can more than satisfy a man like you. I can do things you never thought possible"

"Well, I certainly wouldn't want to let an opportunity like that get by me, Nola." I began to circle around her looking at her admirably. "You sure are built. I'd say you'll do just fine. But I have to be sure."

"Oh baby, you can be very very sure," she whispered to me.

I reached out and felt her arm, giving it a little squeeze. Then I put my hand on her waist and ran it up her back.

"You sure weren't kidding Nola. I do believe you have everything I want. Nice sturdy back bone, good solid hips, full rich firm breasts. Why, I just bet they could hold a bucketful of milk. Wouldn't you agree Frank?"

"A 100 percent, buddy. I think she'll do just fine," Frank was ready to bust his gut trying to keep from laughing.

"Yeah, Nola, it's obvious you would be good breeding stock."

"BREEDING STOCK!" she yelled. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"Well Nola, I got two kids at home right now. I just love kids. I'm thinking about having at least 8 or nine more. I've got that big roomy house and everything. Yeah, with your build, we might just go for an even dozen more."

Frank could stand it no longer. He was in hysterics as Nola pushed herself away from me.

"Let me tell you something, Baker. I'm not having your kids or anybody else's kids. Who do you think you are anyway? You are an asshole."

I tried to look crestfallen. "Why Nola! I'm sorry you feel that way. Here I was looking forward to you coming home with me tonight and giving my baby daughter a bath, and cleaning up the house for me. As for me being an asshole, I've only got one thing to say to that."

"What's that?" she said pointedly.

I grunted painfully. Then I squeezed my cheeks a little bit, gave a little wiggle and the fart exploded out of my backside as if it were the first five bars of Zip-a-dee-doo-dah."


Now if I hadn't had about six beers in me, it was probably something even I wouldn't have done. But I had, I did, and I was downright proud of it. Then I did what anybody else would have done.

I pointed down to Nola so everybody else in the room would be sure where it came from. Nola tried to hide her face, but the damage had been done and she walked off in a huff.

Frank was in Hysterics. Especially when I clutched my face in mock horror over being rejected. When we finally sat back down we were laughing so hard I thought we would never stop.

"Buddy," Frank somehow managed to say. "There are a lot of women in this town who are going to remember you for one reason or another, but old Nola will remember you for something none of the others will! I never thought I'd see you do something like that!" That made us laugh even harder.

"It tells me one other thing, Joe. You must be crazy in love with my daughter. Let's drink to Bettie!" We put our glasses together and drank to Bettie.

We spent the rest of the evening talking about the old days. For the most part we talked about Susan. We didn't talk about the many bad things that had happened in her life; we talked only about the good, wonderful times the three of us had spent together. I was glad of that, because if I were going to remember Susan and if I were going to tell Laurie about her mother, than that is the Susan she should know because that is the one that had meant so much to me.

As they started to dim the lights when the pool hall had emptied out, we asked the waiter if they had a bottle of champagne. He said they kept a few around just in case. I asked him to bring me one. Frank and I began to toast Susan, for everything she had given us and for how much she meant to us. By the time we started to leave for home, I was quite wobbly.

Out front we decided to sit for a moment to get our bearings. And it was then that I began to think about Susan and what we had all lost. Not just me, but Frank, Laurie, even Jim had lost so much. And as I sat there thinking about it the tears began to roll out of my eyes. Frank sat quietly. Since Susan had died, I had not mourned her. I had not shed one tear. But they flowed now and they flowed strong and steady but I made no effort to control or stop them.

"God Frank! I'm going to miss her."

"I know buddy, so will I," he said softly.



And then the sobs came. Huge sobs that wracked through my body. And I couldn't stop. Everything I had felt since the phone call from Dagget exploded to the surface.

"Geezus," Frank, "Why does it hurt so much?"

Frank put his arm on my shoulder. It was something he had never done before.

"It's going to hurt for a long time Buddy, but it'll heal. In time it will heal. Just go ahead and let it out." And I did. I continued to sob unabashedly. And whether anybody saw mattered to me not one little bit.

I'm not sure how we eventually made it home or what time it was. I vaguely remembered a cab ride and I thought Arcadia and Frank managed to get me into bed. And I slept. It was a silent welcome sleep without any dreams.

And then I heard a voice.

"Now that you've slept the day away, are you going to sleep the night away too?" It was Arcadia. I slowly opened one eye to make sure it was her. Okay self, you're in your bed, you're trying to wake up, and for some reason Arcadia is here. I began to put the events of the previous day back together. I opened my eyes the rest of the way.

"What time is it," I asked.

"Six O'clock," she told me. "In the evening, not morning so let's get with it."

Six in the evening! I had slept forever. I quickly sat up and began to stretch.

"I'm getting ready to start dinner. I know you have to be hungry."

"Where's Dag, how's Laurie," I asked. She turned to leave the bedroom.

"They are just fine! Dag is over at the neighbor's house and Laurie has been well taken care of and is sawing logs. Now get with it."

"And Bettie, what about Bettie?" I asked.

"No word from her. Frank went looking around the neighborhood earlier but no luck there. Sorry, Joe." I nodded and she left.

I hurried to take my shower. The water felt good but I had no time to linger. I couldn't believe I had slept the whole day away. I hurriedly shaved and dressed and went into the kitchen where Arcadia was hard at work.


"Feel better now?" she asked.

"Yeah, I feel okay. I'm not even hung over. How long before dinner? I can run over and pick up Dag."

"Nahhh...let her play a while. I got tired of her moping around all day over Bettie so when the kid next door came over I convinced them to play at his house. Dinner will be ready in about an hour and a half."

"Where's Frank?" I asked.

"Now there's something you can do for me. Frank went for a walk about an hour ago to get some fresh air. Why don't you go get him and drag him home? I swear that man always loses track of time."

"Sure, I can do that. Any idea where I should look."

"Yes," she said. "He likes to walk at Pagoda Park. Always takes his walks there."

Pagoda Park was not a place I particularly wanted to visit. The memory of the day I had spent there with Bettie was seared into my mind and being there would only make me feel miserable.

"I don't know”, I told her. “Maybe you ought to let him come home on his own. He might get ticked at me having to come looking for him."


"That's nonsense! If you don't go get him he's liable to be out for another two or three hours and miss dinner. The fresh air will do you some good. Now get going and let me get back to work. That's an order."

I could see there was no point in arguing with Arcadia.

So I did as she asked and headed for the park. The sun had already set and it was dark. I turned around and closed the door.


When I got to Pagoda Park there was no sign of Frank, as far as I could see. There was a young family having a late night picnic and somebody was standing in the tower that loomed high above the grounds. Other than that it was quiet. Either Frank had never been there, or he had taken a different route home.

As I started to pass the swing set to walk inside the park to be sure, the memories of the day Bettie had sat in it so carefree; the wind blowing through her hair, and me behind her pushing came back to me. I sat down in the swing, as if somehow that day would magically return.

I gave myself a slight push with my feet and swung a short ways. I swung for a while, reliving the memories and then decided to walk around the park.



And as I walked, I remembered. I remembered having held her hands, and how soft tender and warm they had felt. I remembered racing her to the top of the tower. I remembered how I had wanted so much to take her in my arms, to hold her close to me and never let her go. I remembered how we had lingered in the tower, and how she had dropped a coin into the water while making a wish. I had never found out what that wish had been.

I looked up at the tower. The person I had seen earlier was still there. It was a girl a young girl, and she looked wistfully out over the park. I couldn't see her face, but somehow she seemed as lost and lonely as I did. I walked slowly around the maze of walkways towards it.

By the time I made my way to the staircase I had changed my mind. Whoever it was lingering up there, probably didn't want to be bothered. I turned to head out of the park. Frank certainly wasn't anywhere around and was probably sitting comfortably at the house by now. Yet, I couldn't leave. Just as the swing had drawn me to it, the stairs now beckoned me. I turned to ascend. Maybe I would drop my own coin in and wish for Bettie’s return.

When I reached the top of the stairs, the girl I had seen was no longer there. I hadn't seen her come down but she could have and I had just missed her. It was probably for the best.

As I stood there I looked at the world below me for a while. It seemed so huge and vast from the top of Pagoda Park. But out there somewhere was Bettie. I had been sure I would have heard from her by now. Maybe she had decided she couldn't forgive me. Maybe the thought of trying to raise a ready made family at such a young age had become too much for even her. I sighed heavily.

I turned to leave.

"Joe?" A voice spoke to me softly. I turned around.

In there, in the light of the full moon, her face lit aglow by the lanterns surrounding us was Bettie. Only it was a Bettie I had never seen before. Gone was the girlish hairdo. She wore make up, not overly done, but makeup that only accentuated her beauty. Her hair lay carefree and lose, down her back. And there standing in the soft light surrounding her, she was even more beautiful, lovelier than even I could ever have imagined.

I walked towards her.

"Hi," I said softly.

"Hi yourself," she replied. We were silent. My heart was pounding as I searched for the right words to say to her. I had never felt this way before.

"You really look beautiful tonight." She smiled and blushed.

"How are the girls?" she asked.

"They're okay. Dag misses you a lot. She's been teaching me how to take care of Laurie"

"I've missed her too... and Laurie. So you were able to handle Laurie okay?"

"Well, I got off to a shaky start. But the more I did it the easier it became. I like taking care of her. She's such a good natured baby."

"I'm glad of that, really I am. So you're doing okay, too?"

"I'm fine, Bettie. Bettie, about the other day..."

"You don't need to say anything..," she interrupted.

"Yes I do, Please let me say this. About what I said, I hope you know I didn't mean any of it. You were being totally honest. It was the truth about my life that I have never been able to face up to and that's why I lashed out. I had no right to treat you the way I did. I wish I could go back and change what happened but I can't. I'll have to live with the pain and the hurt I inflicted on you for a long time."


She was silent for a long time. "I know you didn't mean what you were saying. Maybe I pushed a little too hard too soon. Maybe it all became a bit overwhelming to me. I had gone through the same thing with Dad when Shelley died. He became distant and unreachable. It took a long time for him to snap out of it. I just couldn't go through it again. Not with you."

We both grew silent.

"I've been thinking about going on to college back East. Probably soon," she said. "I think it would be best." A chill ran down my spine. I was going to lose her.

"What about the girls? They need you Bettie! Dag loves you so much!" Bettie smiled at me. "I love her too. But she'll be okay. I'll visit and I'll write. I'll talk to her, she'll understand." She shivered. The night air had turned chilly and neither one of us had a jacket.

"I'd better be going, it's getting cold," she said.


She turned to walk towards the stairs, and I knew, knew from the bottom of my heart that if she took one step down those stairs, she would be leaving my life for good. It was that single thought that finally urged me towards her.

"Don't go, Bettie. Not just yet. Please stay a while. Bettie, I need you"


She turned back around to face me.

"The girls will be fine, Joe. You've come a long way with them. And more important is the love you can give them."

"I'm not talking about the girls Bettie. I need you. I need you in my life. Not for washing dishes, not for cleaning the house or getting kids off to school and changing dirty diapers.

I circled around her so that I could take her hand. "I need you because I feel as if you're a part of me. You're the part of me that gives me a reason to live, that has given so much meaning to my life. You're the part that makes me a complete person. Yes, the girls will be okay but I won't. Not without you. I've gone through my life not really living. I just existed. With you I feel so much alive. When my heart beats, it beats for you. You are so young, beautiful, and alive. You are everything I want and everything I need. I don't deserve to have you in my life, but I thank God you are part of it."

Bettie reached up, and held my arm.


"I love you, Bettie. I want you in my life tonight, tomorrow, the next day and for all time." It was then that I took her into my arms I pulled her close to me. And as we held each other, we kissed. A kiss that was beautiful and perfect, because it wasn't a kiss of passion, it was a kiss that was borne from love, pure, wonderful unselfish love. And then we held each other close. Not wanting to let go. Not wanting this wonderful moment that comes once in a life time to end.

"You want me, from now and for all time?" she whispered.

"For eternity," I whispered back ”Will you marry me? Will you stay with me forever?"

"Yes," she said softly. "For now and forever, I'll always be yours. And Joe, remember that wish I made in the park that day. It just came true."

And we kissed again, longer and even more passionately.

I had spent all of my life learning how to live. But that night, high in Pagoda Park, above the world, my lesson had become complete. And I like to think, that it was at that moment when my life truly began.

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