(Author’s Notes: Well here is the final episode of Laurie and Dag. They have reached the end of their journey, at least for a while. I want to thank all of you who have read both The Kid & Me and Laurie and Dag and hope that the stories entertained you.
As I have said before, Dag’s part of the story is based on a movie that was released way back in 1962. In fact, a good portion of the latter part of her story is taken from that film, dialog and all. I have stated previously the reasons for that but will do so for the final time here. When I started writing Dag’s part of the story my idea was to loosely base it on that particular film and many others like it dealing with single parenthood. As a matter of fact, when I first started out Dag’s story was supposed to have the primary emphasis on it, and Laurie’s story was to be secondary. As you can tell, it turned out just the opposite of that.
What happened was that Laurie’s story required a great deal of research. Her story was about a subject matter that I had never experienced myself, but it was a story that I felt needed to be told, and I wanted to do it in the proper way. The problem was, the more I researched Laurie’s story, the more I became involved in the subject matter. What I learned was not only how serious of a problem discrimination against homosexuals is in this country, but how they are continually ridiculed and often terrorized because of who they are. When you read story after story about teenagers committing suicide because they are made to feel as if they are deranged or perverted somehow simply because they are gay, and after you read one story after another of gays who have been terrorized, tortured and murdered simply because of who they are, it is bound to have an effect on you. What I’m trying to say is, that I found it almost impossible to write about Laurie for long periods of time, and then get in a completely different frame of mind to write about Dag. So I ended up cribbing from the aforementioned film more than I wanted to. But Laurie’s story is based entirely in my imagination, and although many of the incidents are that occur in her life are based on actual events, they are in no way intended to portray any actual person, living or dead.
I will write more about the factual stories behind Laurie and Dag as time goes on. In a few days I will reveal the name of the film Dag’s story was based on unless you have already guessed it. I hope to upload a few clips from that film, so you can see the similarities and indeed, the many differences in the two.
If you are new here, and want to start at the beginning, just use the links in the right hand column and at the end of each chapter. Also, you can enlarge any of the smaller pictures simply by clicking on them with your mouse.
For those who have been reading regularly you may notice a slightly changed appearance of Laurie and the other teenage Sims. At the time the story was written, the only way I could get them into graduation gowns was to turn them into what is called Young Adults.
Also, when Laurie has her graduation cap on you will notice that she has reddish hair. This again was a technical problem because at the time, I could not obtain a graduation cap with brown hair.
Okay, now that I’ve put you to sleep, you can read the final chapter of Laurie and Dag. Thanks again so much and feel free to leave a comment or write to me at clydesplace@hotmail.com.)
As I have said before, Dag’s part of the story is based on a movie that was released way back in 1962. In fact, a good portion of the latter part of her story is taken from that film, dialog and all. I have stated previously the reasons for that but will do so for the final time here. When I started writing Dag’s part of the story my idea was to loosely base it on that particular film and many others like it dealing with single parenthood. As a matter of fact, when I first started out Dag’s story was supposed to have the primary emphasis on it, and Laurie’s story was to be secondary. As you can tell, it turned out just the opposite of that.
What happened was that Laurie’s story required a great deal of research. Her story was about a subject matter that I had never experienced myself, but it was a story that I felt needed to be told, and I wanted to do it in the proper way. The problem was, the more I researched Laurie’s story, the more I became involved in the subject matter. What I learned was not only how serious of a problem discrimination against homosexuals is in this country, but how they are continually ridiculed and often terrorized because of who they are. When you read story after story about teenagers committing suicide because they are made to feel as if they are deranged or perverted somehow simply because they are gay, and after you read one story after another of gays who have been terrorized, tortured and murdered simply because of who they are, it is bound to have an effect on you. What I’m trying to say is, that I found it almost impossible to write about Laurie for long periods of time, and then get in a completely different frame of mind to write about Dag. So I ended up cribbing from the aforementioned film more than I wanted to. But Laurie’s story is based entirely in my imagination, and although many of the incidents are that occur in her life are based on actual events, they are in no way intended to portray any actual person, living or dead.
I will write more about the factual stories behind Laurie and Dag as time goes on. In a few days I will reveal the name of the film Dag’s story was based on unless you have already guessed it. I hope to upload a few clips from that film, so you can see the similarities and indeed, the many differences in the two.
If you are new here, and want to start at the beginning, just use the links in the right hand column and at the end of each chapter. Also, you can enlarge any of the smaller pictures simply by clicking on them with your mouse.
For those who have been reading regularly you may notice a slightly changed appearance of Laurie and the other teenage Sims. At the time the story was written, the only way I could get them into graduation gowns was to turn them into what is called Young Adults.
Also, when Laurie has her graduation cap on you will notice that she has reddish hair. This again was a technical problem because at the time, I could not obtain a graduation cap with brown hair.
Okay, now that I’ve put you to sleep, you can read the final chapter of Laurie and Dag. Thanks again so much and feel free to leave a comment or write to me at clydesplace@hotmail.com.)
~~~51~~~
~~~Narration by Laurie~~~
There was a point in time in the past months when I dreaded the moment that I would have to tell Dag about being a lesbian but I could put it off no longer. By the time I came to the decision to reveal all to her, it was no longer the burden that it had once been, as I had begun to assert myself. I was who I was and I intended to live my life that way. I had changed in many ways, and where I had once been laid back and let things happen as they happened, I had found the will to make those decisions that would previously had been difficult or troublesome.
Dag’s first reaction had alarmed me, until I realized it was just the intial shock and surprise of all of it. In the end, it had turned out to be a more than memorable weekend with Dag, one we should have spent together a long time ago. Even to this day, we still have our private weekends together occasionally, although we both lead completely different lives.
A week before graduation was the prom. Gail and I had decided to go despite our lack of having
anyone accompany us. Although it didn’t bother me that we didn’t have a date, I thought Gail would be kind of peevish about it. I was wrong.
“The last thing I want is some guy grabbing and pawing at me all night,” she told me. “Right now, I’m on an extended abstinence from men."
I had to laugh. "We'll see how long that lasts," I replied to her.
I had this picture in my head that made me wish Angela was around. I could see the two of us strolling in to the ball room, hand in hand,
dancing away the night together, ending it with a slow dance in each other’s arms. I do believe it would have taken everybody there a full year to recover from that sight, and I laughed thinking about it. Would I have really done it? If Angela had been there and was willing, you’re darn right I would have. Like I said before, I was no longer Laurie the cowering sheep.
So there we were, all dressed up and getting ready to leave when mom, dad, and Marcella came up to the room.
“You two look terrific,” Marcella told us. “It’s a
shame you have to go alone.”
“It isn’t so bad,” Gail told her. “There are a lot of worse things in this world.”
Mom raised an eyebrow. She had commented to me about the changes in Gail since she had broken up with Chuck. But she didn't ask any questions and chalked it up to Gail having learned from a bad experience.
The four of us headed down the stairs together while Dad insisted on getting the camera out to take a picture of us.
"I knew there was something about prom night that I didn't like," Gail whispered to me. "That will be some prom picture with just the two of us in it!"
I chuckled. Gale’s sense of humor had returned.
Dad for his part was debating whether to take a picture inside the house or outside by the fountain. What happened next would help settle the debate.
I think he had just about made up his mind to stay inside when the doorbell rang.
“I wonder who that could be.” Mom had picked up Keith and was holding him. “Would you get that Laurie?”
I walked over to answer the door. I almost fell through the floor. There stood Kurt, and his cousin Mitch, fully decked out in their tuxedoes.
“Mitch just happened to be in town tonight,” he told me. “And not having anything better to do, we thought there might be a couple of ladies needing an escort tonight. Was I right?”
“I think I might be able to dig up a couple of dates for you,” I told him laughing. I could always count on Kurt. “Come on in Kurt.” They followed me into the living room.
“Looks like we have a couple of escorts, for tonight,” I told Gail. “Are you still on your abstinence program, or do you think you can handle this for one night.”
She laughed. “Well, since it’s you two I think we’ll be in safe hands. The only question left is who is going to escort whom?”
I quickly whispered in Kurt’s ear and he nodded. Then smiled at me and winked.
“Well, Gail, Laurie's already had her chance with me, so I guess you’re stuck,” He told her.
She walked over to him. “I’d be very happy to be stuck with you, Kurt.”
“Looks like you’re stuck with the leftovers, Mitch,” I told him.
“That’s okay, Laurie,” Mitch said. “I’ll just think of it as leftover Filet Mignon.”
"Well, at least now we won't look like two old maids in our picture," Gail offered.
"Ooops," Kurt whispered. "Looks like we got here too soon!"
Now that there were four of us that pretty much settled it for dad. He decided to herd us all out to the fountain in the back yard.
"We might as well get some use out of that water spouting monstrosity," Dad told us. I think he missed his pond that had once been there. Mom and Marcella followed us out. It took Dad forever to set up the lights, then set up the camera. I could tell everybody was getting impatient.
"It's good enough, Joe," mom finally told him. Dad made a face then began taking pictures. I don't know how many he took but after each one it was the same words out of his mouth: "not good enough."
"For crying out loud, Joe," mom yelled at him again. "At this rate they might get to the prom on time for the last dance of the night."
"I think this one is it," he said and took one more. As it turned out, we couldn't argue with the results, but more importantly we were finally able to leave.
Dag’s first reaction had alarmed me, until I realized it was just the intial shock and surprise of all of it. In the end, it had turned out to be a more than memorable weekend with Dag, one we should have spent together a long time ago. Even to this day, we still have our private weekends together occasionally, although we both lead completely different lives.
A week before graduation was the prom. Gail and I had decided to go despite our lack of having
anyone accompany us. Although it didn’t bother me that we didn’t have a date, I thought Gail would be kind of peevish about it. I was wrong.“The last thing I want is some guy grabbing and pawing at me all night,” she told me. “Right now, I’m on an extended abstinence from men."
I had to laugh. "We'll see how long that lasts," I replied to her.
I had this picture in my head that made me wish Angela was around. I could see the two of us strolling in to the ball room, hand in hand,
dancing away the night together, ending it with a slow dance in each other’s arms. I do believe it would have taken everybody there a full year to recover from that sight, and I laughed thinking about it. Would I have really done it? If Angela had been there and was willing, you’re darn right I would have. Like I said before, I was no longer Laurie the cowering sheep.So there we were, all dressed up and getting ready to leave when mom, dad, and Marcella came up to the room.
“You two look terrific,” Marcella told us. “It’s a
shame you have to go alone.”“It isn’t so bad,” Gail told her. “There are a lot of worse things in this world.”
Mom raised an eyebrow. She had commented to me about the changes in Gail since she had broken up with Chuck. But she didn't ask any questions and chalked it up to Gail having learned from a bad experience.
The four of us headed down the stairs together while Dad insisted on getting the camera out to take a picture of us.
"I knew there was something about prom night that I didn't like," Gail whispered to me. "That will be some prom picture with just the two of us in it!"
I chuckled. Gale’s sense of humor had returned.Dad for his part was debating whether to take a picture inside the house or outside by the fountain. What happened next would help settle the debate.
I think he had just about made up his mind to stay inside when the doorbell rang.
“I wonder who that could be.” Mom had picked up Keith and was holding him. “Would you get that Laurie?”
I walked over to answer the door. I almost fell through the floor. There stood Kurt, and his cousin Mitch, fully decked out in their tuxedoes.“Mitch just happened to be in town tonight,” he told me. “And not having anything better to do, we thought there might be a couple of ladies needing an escort tonight. Was I right?”
“I think I might be able to dig up a couple of dates for you,” I told him laughing. I could always count on Kurt. “Come on in Kurt.” They followed me into the living room.
“Looks like we have a couple of escorts, for tonight,” I told Gail. “Are you still on your abstinence program, or do you think you can handle this for one night.”
She laughed. “Well, since it’s you two I think we’ll be in safe hands. The only question left is who is going to escort whom?”
I quickly whispered in Kurt’s ear and he nodded. Then smiled at me and winked.“Well, Gail, Laurie's already had her chance with me, so I guess you’re stuck,” He told her.
She walked over to him. “I’d be very happy to be stuck with you, Kurt.”
“Looks like you’re stuck with the leftovers, Mitch,” I told him.
“That’s okay, Laurie,” Mitch said. “I’ll just think of it as leftover Filet Mignon.”
"Well, at least now we won't look like two old maids in our picture," Gail offered.
"Ooops," Kurt whispered. "Looks like we got here too soon!"
Now that there were four of us that pretty much settled it for dad. He decided to herd us all out to the fountain in the back yard."We might as well get some use out of that water spouting monstrosity," Dad told us. I think he missed his pond that had once been there. Mom and Marcella followed us out. It took Dad forever to set up the lights, then set up the camera. I could tell everybody was getting impatient.
"It's good enough, Joe," mom finally told him. Dad made a face then began taking pictures. I don't know how many he took but after each one it was the same words out of his mouth: "not good enough."
"For crying out loud, Joe," mom yelled at him again. "At this rate they might get to the prom on time for the last dance of the night."
"I think this one is it," he said and took one more. As it turned out, we couldn't argue with the results, but more importantly we were finally able to leave.
As soon as we arrived the prom was already in full swing so we wasted no time in hitting the dance floor. Mitch was an okay dancer which was perfect for me because I was no better than okay myself. When Kurt and I had danced, I had always felt as if I had two left feet. He was that good. But what that also did was make him the perfect partner for Gail who could more than keep up with him every step of the way.There was one thorn in the ointment though. Chuck was there with some blonde bimbo that he had met on his recruiting trip to Florida. She had just finished her freshman year, or so we heard. It led me to believe that there had been more going on
during those recruiting trips of Chuck all along. He looked kind of sour when the four of us showed up together, but he did his best to avoid us and steer his date away from us.After about five or six dances, Mitch was ready to take a break and so was I.
"You're a good dancer, Laurie," he said after we had sat down. "I've never been too light on my feet."
I laughed. "Thanks for the compliment, Mitch, but I'm just adequate. Dag was the dancer in our family."
"Gail and Kurt don't seem to be having any problems, though. I was kind of surprised when Kurt called and asked me if I'd go. Especially since the two of you broke up."
"Well, our break up was more of a mutual parting of the ways than a real break-up," I told him. "So we're still friends."
Mitch shrugged. "Hey, I think it's great. Some couples that break up want to kill each other when it's over. I get the feeling Gail is quite bitter about her break-up."
I just nodded, which I hoped Mitch would take as a sign that I didn't want to go into depth about Chuck and Gail's relationship."Have you heard from Angela lately." He asked me. I had not forgotten the prom from a year earlier when Angela had been Mitch’s date.
“No, I haven’t Mitch,” I told him. “I don’t know how she’s doing. I wrote her a letter some months back and never received a reply. She no longer has the email address she once had and her phone has been disconnected”
“That’s a shame,” he said. “I only went out with her that one night but she seemed kind of cool. She was shy at first but once you get to know her, she’s kind of funny.”
I merely nodded. Thinking about Angela tended to depress me. At that point I was saved by the fact that Elizabeth Shaeffer, who was one of the chaperones, came over to our table. I quickly introduced her to Mitch.
"You cut your hair!" I exclaimed.She seemed amused. "I decided that since there were going to be a lot of changes in my life I might as well start somewhere. What do you think?"
"I think it looks terrific," I told her. "And your dress is absolutely stunning."
"Thanks, Laurie. I hope you two are having a good time tonight."
"Terrific," I told her. "We're just taking a breather.”Did you give my valedictorian speech to Principal Harding?" All speeches for the graduation had to be approved by Principal Harding and mine was no exception.
"Yes I did, Laurie," she answered. She seemed to hesitate before continuing. "He said that it was a terrific speech, and you don't have to worry about bringing it with you because it'll be on the prompt screen."
"I don't care what that old coot thinks," I answered nastily. "I want to know what you thought of it?"
She hesitated, but then she answered. "Well, it's a good speech, Laurie."
I could tell by the look on her face that she was only trying to make me feel better. She obviously thought that the speech was total crap. I now felt bad for having put her on the spot."Well, I still have a week to spruce it up," I told her quickly. "I'll see what I can do with it." I hoped by telling her that it would relieve some of her disappointment in me.
"I'm sure it'll be just fine, Laurie." she told me again. Kurt and Gail wandered over to our table, so Elizabeth said her goodbyes and hurried off.
"Why didn't you tell me Kurt was such a great dancer, Laurie?" Gail asked. "All those dances we went to and you never let him dance with me once. Of course, my feet are still healing from all the times Chuck stepped on them when we danced, so I'm still in recovery."Kurt laughed. "You seem to have recovered just fine, Gail. I will say that Laurie never stepped on my feet. I wouldn't let her. I just sort of dragged her along!"
"Ha, Ha! Very funny," I retorted. "Go ahead and have your laugh at my expense."
"I think you're an excellent dancer, Laurie," Mitch offered.
"See there. Now I know for a fact that Mitch is a dance connoisseur. So there."
"Mitch is a connoisseur all right," Kurt replied. "He's a connoisseur of fine cheeseburgers and that's about it."
“Did you see the blonde bimbo Chuck is dancing with?" Gail interjected.“Yep!” I said. “I guess he was quite busy when he went on those recruiting trips. I heard she’s going to the same college he accepted his scholarship from”
“I wish Kurt had given him two black eyes,” Gail said. “I don’t care though, I’m way over it. Besides, they're made for each other. Neither one of them could dance their way out of a paper bag."
Kurt looked at Gail than looked back at me.
"Let's have some fun," he told us.
"Don't start any trouble with him, Kurt!" I warned.
"Ahhh! I'm not going to start any trouble at all," he said innocently. Somehow I knew better. "Just watch this."He got up from the table and walked out to the dance floor where Chuck and his blonde bombshell were dancing. The rest of us got up and walked over to watch.
Kurt went over and tapped Chuck on the shoulder
. Chuck turned and looked at him. I don't know what Kurt said to him but it was enough to get Chuck to walk off the dance floor looking like he could breathe fire at any second. We watched as Kurt and the blonde began dancing. Her dancing suddenly improved a bit and she seemed to be enjoying herself."What is he up to?" Gail asked.
I shrugged. "I don't have a clue but he's got something on his mind besides dancing." They continued to dance and while they danced we could see them talking to each other. As the end of the dance neared, Kurt quit dancing and began talking to the girl as if he was very serious about
something. Then suddenly this look of horror came over her face.She turned and stormed off the floor, heading toward the exit doors with Chuck following behind her. Kurt was on the dance floor in hysterics. Finally he managed to make his way back over to us.
“What did you say to her?!!!” I asked. I knew it had to be good.
“Well, I started off with just a little small talk, you know what are you studying in college, how did you meet Chuck blah blah blah, and then I told her that I hope she didn’t get too serious in her relationship with Chuck because I felt it was my duty for her own good to let her know…..” he started laughing again.“Come on, Kurt! What did you tell her?” Gail asked.
“I told her that Chuck has had trouble getting dates here at the high school ever since word got out that he had herpes and she should make sure that she protects herself."
I thought I was going to die from laughter, and it’s hard to say who was laughing the hardest of the four of us.
When she was finally able to stop laughing, Gail turned to Kurt.
“Do you know what Kurt?” she asked. “You are really a great guy!”
Kurt laughed. “Oh no! Not you too!”
Kurt looked at me and we both began laughing once again.
“What’s so funny,” Gail asked.
“I’ll tell you on the dance floor, Gail,” he said as he took her hand and guided her back out. We didn’t see Chuck and his date again for the rest of the evening.
We watched for a moment as Kurt and Gail started dancing once again. There was no doubt that there wasn't anybody on the dance floor who could keep up with them.
"Come on, Laurie," Mitch said taking my hand and leading me back out to the dance floor. "Let's show them how it's done."
"Well, I don't know about that, Mitch. But I'll certainly dance with you." And that we did for the rest of the evening, although I did dance a few dances with Kurt for "old times sake" is the way he put it. I couldn't help but laugh, but I did enjoy dancing with him again.
After grabbing a bite to eat afterwards at an all night restaurant we had headed home. Gail was exhausted, climbed into bed and a few moments later she was sawing
logs. I was restless and couldn't sleep. I could have turned on the television and it wouldn't have bothered Gail, but instead I pulled a chair up to the window and began losing myself in my thoughts as I gazed out over the thousands of stars which lit up the night sky.My thoughts quickly turned to Angela. It was the one important ingredient that had been missing from an otherwise great evening. It now seemed like it had been an eternity since the prom the year previous when she had been the one dating Mitch, I had been with Kurt, and Gail with Chuck. So much had changed in just a year’s time. I wondered if she had gone to her senior prom with someone whereever she was, and if she had thought about me the way I was thinking of her. Probably not. It was obvious by now that Angela had gotten on with her life, just as I knew I should.
Then I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder which almost caused me to jump out of my chair."A penny for you thoughts," Gail whispered.
I turned and smiled at her. I was wrong. She hadn't been sleeping so soundly after all.
"I might tell you them for a dollar," I told her. "But a penny? No way!"
”A dollar it is," she said. "Should I get it now or should I wait until morning."
"I trust you. You can give it to me in the morning."
"Do you want me to turn the light on?" she asked.
I shook my head. "Mom will sometimes get up during the night and come upstairs to check on the twins and Little Frank. We'll just sit on the floor and talk quietly.""It's hard to believe we're graduating in just a week," Gail told me.
"I know," I told her. "When you're growing up you can't wait for it to get here. Now that it's here......" I let my voice trail off.
"Yeah, it's kind of scary isn't it?" Gail said softly. "Just a few months ago I thought I had my whole life planned and now I don't have a clue as to what I'm going to do."
"You'll think of something," I told her. "Everything will be okay."
"I don't know, Laurie. I wish I could always be as confident and as sure of myself as you are."
"I'm not always that confident, Gail. Far from it."
"But Laurie," she protested, "you already have your life planned out and have had for a long time. You're going to U.C.L.A. You're going to be the world's greatest brain surgeon!"
I laughed. "You don't know that Gail. Being an A student in high school is one thing. Being an A student in medical school is quite a different matter. I'm not as confident or as sure of myself as you think I am. I could become the world's quickest drop out from medical school."
"I doubt that, Laurie. But I know what you're saying. I mean that time when you and Kurt broke up and you went nutso should have told me you don't always have it together."
I knew she wanted me to tell her what had happened and why it happened. The opening was there to do so but I didn't take it. It wasn't that I was afraid to. I had already come to the realization that there would be many people, some of them that I considered good friends who would reject me because of my sexuality. I didn't know if Gail would be one of them. I was almost positive that when all was said and done she would be okay with it. But there was the one small chance that she may not, and that is why I didn't tell her. Not out of fear, but because I wanted to hold onto her friendship as long as I could in case that small chance that she would reject me wasn't so small after all. And there was one more very important reason why I couldn’t tell her now. It would not do to have my secret come out and spread all over the school just before graduation. And although I doubted Gail would do such a thing, it was not a chance I could afford to take now. My reasoning may have been imperfect and flawed, but Gail would find out about me soon enough.
Still, I almost began to tell her.
"Yeah, I did kind of go nutso didn't I. But........" Again I let my voice trail off. I was about to say that there were reasons for it, and she would ask what reasons, then I would tell her. But I couldn't do it.
"I know, Laurie," she finished the sentence for me but not the in the way that I would have. "You'll tell me one of these days." She laughed and I did also except there was a certain amount of nervousness in my laugh. The dark room grew quiet once again.
I glanced up at the picture of Angela on the wall. It didn't go unnoticed by Gail.
"You really miss her, don't you?" Gail asked.
I nodded. Another opening and I passed on it again.
"Was it a closer friendship than what you and I have?" Gail asked.
"No Gail, it wasn't exactly like that. It was a different kind of friendship." It was the best answer I could think of.
"She's not like another sister then?"
"No, Gail. You're my special sister." And I was telling her the truth. My feelings for Angela were far from being sisterly.
"I just don't know what I'm going to do when you're away at college," Gail said. "I always knew you were there for me and we've always been able to talk about anything and everything. Now....."When she said that I began to feel the pains of guilt once again for not telling her my secret. "I won't be that far away, Gail. You can call me any time."
"And I'll be coming home on a lot of weekends."
"I'll still miss you, Laurie. It just won't be the same," she sighed.
"Well, Gail. We still have the whole summer to spend together. At least until you find another boyfriend."
She laughed. "You can forget that right now, Laurie Baker! I told you I'm swearing off men for the time being and I meant it!"
"We'll see how long that lasts," I told her. The sun was beginning to creep up from the horizon. We both stood up. I was suddenly very tired.
"Well, I guess it's time to get some sleep," I told her.
She yawned. "Yep, I think you're right."
We climbed into the bed and in seconds both of us were sawing logs.
~~~52~~~
~~~Narration by Glenn Hamilton~~~
I decided to take a month off of work. Although Ronnie was still in school, I wanted to be there for him afterwards, and to spend as much time with him as possible. What happened the night that Ronnie had run away had nothing to do with me ending my relationship with Dina. That had come to an end the instant she had asked me to send him away for a few months. It was as if I had suddenly awakened from a drunken stupor.
As for Dag, I thought about her often during this time. I asked Ronnie if Dag had said anything about what had happened that night, and he answered negatively. Except at school, he hadn't seen or spoken to her.
Ronnie and I spent a lot of time at the arcade together, we went to play miniature golf on occasion, saw many different movies at the theater, and made several trips to the cemetery. Often we would end the day by watching one of his DVD’s. I once asked him if he wanted to watch 101 Dalmatians but he said no.
On the weekends we spent a lot of time at the pool. I would catch Ronnie looking over at Dag’s apartment, and I knew he was wishing that she was there with us as she had been in the past. I was wishing the same thing. I once thought I saw her at the window looking out at us. But just as quickly as I had looked, she had seemed to disappear. She never did come out to the pool during the days that Ronnie and I spent out there.
One night, not too long after our argument, I saw her come home with Reggie. They paused at the entrance way for a kiss and my heart sank as I wished it had been me instead. I had totally mucked up any chance I could have had at a relationship with Dag. But the plus was, he didn't accompany Dag to her apartment door but immediately left after the kiss. Then again, he may have just had a long day and wanted to get home to sleep.
On another evening I watched as she did some night swimming and diving. Obviously she was using the pool at night to avoid Ronnie and me, but I couldn't help but think that besides everything else that was wonderful about her, she was quite athletic. I felt like kicking myself for my stupidity at having lost her.
"Are you checking the weather, dad?" Ronnie's voice interrupted my thoughts. I hadn't heard him come into the room.
"Yeah, I was checking the weather."
"What's the weather going to be?" he asked as if I were our big boobed weather lady down at the station. Come to think of it I would probably make a better meteorologist than she would. She wasn't hired for her forecasting ability.
"I think it's very dark, and very cloudy," I told him softly.
He simply nodded and turned to walk out of the room. Then he turned briefly back to me.
"Yeah, I've been checking the weather a lot lately too," he told me before exiting.
It was a Saturday morning about two weeks after all the commotion. Ronnie was staring at his breakfast, picking at it more than eating it.
“Dad, how come you don’t see Dina anymore? Don’t you love her anymore?” he asked.
I was unprepared for the question so I didn’t answer him right away.
“Was it my fault?” he said looking down at his food.
I shook my head. “Ronnie, when you fall in love with someone or you think you do, it’s for a lot of different reasons. And then when things don’t work out, there are a lot of reasons for that too.”
He took a drink of his milk, but he wasn’t finished. “Dad, I bet Dag was one of the reasons.”
“I don’t think we should play guessing games about it, Ronnie.”
“But we can talk about her, can’t we?” he persisted.
“Sure,” I told him. The truth was, I really wanted to talk about Dag with someone, anyone. “It won’t do any good though; she won’t even speak to me.”
“I know, she won’t speak to me either except at school,” he said dejectedly. “How did she get that mad?”
“Never mind,” I said quickly. That was not a subject that I wanted to go into.
“I bet if you asked her for a date, I bet she would speak to you,” Ronnie insisted.
“It’s no use, Ronnie,”
“Wouldn’t you like to ask her for a date?”
“Yes, yes I would,” I told him. “I would like to very much. But we might as well forget about it. Let’s clear the table.”
I got up and started removing the plates, as did Ronnie. If I thought the conversation was at an end I was badly mistaken. He began again as soon as we had the last dish loaded into the dishwasher.
“I got an idea, Dad. Let’s practice.”
“Practice what?” I asked.
“Practice asking her for a date.”
“Nope,” I told him.
“But dad, if you make it good enough she…..”
“Nope.”
“Please Dad,” he begged. “I’m Dag and you be you.”
“No, Ronnie.”
He walked over to the window.
“Just ask me,” he persisted. “That’s all. I’m home see, and I’m looking plainly out the window.”
“Looking how?” I asked. Now I was confused.
“You know, not happy, not sad, just a plain face.”
I almost started laughing but I held it in. “It sounds like you’re kind of anxious,” I told him.
He turned back around. “No I’m not my darling man,” he told me.
“Uh, not so fast Ronnie. Dag wouldn’t talk like that.”
“I talk for Dag and you talk for you, okay dad?”
I decided to humor him. “Okay, what did you do today Dag?”
“I didn’t do nothing much my future husband.”
“Uh…future husband?”
“What’s wrong with that if she loves you, dad? And she loves you, I can tell.”
That unnerved me. I shook my head. “Okay, where was I.”
Ronnie decided to prod me a little. “Is there anything you want to ask me my sugar man?”
“Sugar…! Yes, as a matter of fact, I like you very much.”
“I like you better, my handsome man.”
“Would you care to have dinner with me tonight, dear?”
“That’s good, dad. Calling me, dear. That’s real good.”
“Well, Dag, would you?”
“You bet my excellent strong man! Just call me tonight and tomorrow night and all week!”
“I’m overwhelmed,” I told him.
“And if you want to, I’ll even marry you. Just call me! I mean her! Call her right now, dad!”
“How do I know she’s home?” I asked.
“Oh she’s home. I made sure!” He told me grabbing my jacket and pulling me towards the phone. “Go on, Go ahead, Dad.”
“All right, I will,” I said
I slowly picked up the phone and put it back down. I had suddenly chickened out.
“It’s 555-4589,” Ronnie insisted.
I picked up the phone again and hadn't yet pushed the first button when Ronnie shot out the door.
As for Dag, I thought about her often during this time. I asked Ronnie if Dag had said anything about what had happened that night, and he answered negatively. Except at school, he hadn't seen or spoken to her.
Ronnie and I spent a lot of time at the arcade together, we went to play miniature golf on occasion, saw many different movies at the theater, and made several trips to the cemetery. Often we would end the day by watching one of his DVD’s. I once asked him if he wanted to watch 101 Dalmatians but he said no.
On the weekends we spent a lot of time at the pool. I would catch Ronnie looking over at Dag’s apartment, and I knew he was wishing that she was there with us as she had been in the past. I was wishing the same thing. I once thought I saw her at the window looking out at us. But just as quickly as I had looked, she had seemed to disappear. She never did come out to the pool during the days that Ronnie and I spent out there.
One night, not too long after our argument, I saw her come home with Reggie. They paused at the entrance way for a kiss and my heart sank as I wished it had been me instead. I had totally mucked up any chance I could have had at a relationship with Dag. But the plus was, he didn't accompany Dag to her apartment door but immediately left after the kiss. Then again, he may have just had a long day and wanted to get home to sleep.
On another evening I watched as she did some night swimming and diving. Obviously she was using the pool at night to avoid Ronnie and me, but I couldn't help but think that besides everything else that was wonderful about her, she was quite athletic. I felt like kicking myself for my stupidity at having lost her.
"Are you checking the weather, dad?" Ronnie's voice interrupted my thoughts. I hadn't heard him come into the room.
"Yeah, I was checking the weather."
"What's the weather going to be?" he asked as if I were our big boobed weather lady down at the station. Come to think of it I would probably make a better meteorologist than she would. She wasn't hired for her forecasting ability.
"I think it's very dark, and very cloudy," I told him softly.
He simply nodded and turned to walk out of the room. Then he turned briefly back to me.
"Yeah, I've been checking the weather a lot lately too," he told me before exiting.
It was a Saturday morning about two weeks after all the commotion. Ronnie was staring at his breakfast, picking at it more than eating it.“Dad, how come you don’t see Dina anymore? Don’t you love her anymore?” he asked.
I was unprepared for the question so I didn’t answer him right away.
“Was it my fault?” he said looking down at his food.
I shook my head. “Ronnie, when you fall in love with someone or you think you do, it’s for a lot of different reasons. And then when things don’t work out, there are a lot of reasons for that too.”
He took a drink of his milk, but he wasn’t finished. “Dad, I bet Dag was one of the reasons.”
“I don’t think we should play guessing games about it, Ronnie.”“But we can talk about her, can’t we?” he persisted.
“Sure,” I told him. The truth was, I really wanted to talk about Dag with someone, anyone. “It won’t do any good though; she won’t even speak to me.”
“I know, she won’t speak to me either except at school,” he said dejectedly. “How did she get that mad?”
“Never mind,” I said quickly. That was not a subject that I wanted to go into.
“I bet if you asked her for a date, I bet she would speak to you,” Ronnie insisted.
“It’s no use, Ronnie,”“Wouldn’t you like to ask her for a date?”
“Yes, yes I would,” I told him. “I would like to very much. But we might as well forget about it. Let’s clear the table.”
I got up and started removing the plates, as did Ronnie. If I thought the conversation was at an end I was badly mistaken. He began again as soon as we had the last dish loaded into the dishwasher.
“I got an idea, Dad. Let’s practice.”“Practice what?” I asked.
“Practice asking her for a date.”
“Nope,” I told him.
“But dad, if you make it good enough she…..”
“Nope.”
“Please Dad,” he begged. “I’m Dag and you be you.”
“No, Ronnie.”
He walked over to the window.
“Just ask me,” he persisted. “That’s all. I’m home see, and I’m looking plainly out the window.”
“Looking how?” I asked. Now I was confused.
“You know, not happy, not sad, just a plain face.”
I almost started laughing but I held it in. “It sounds like you’re kind of anxious,” I told him.
He turned back around. “No I’m not my darling man,” he told me.
“Uh, not so fast Ronnie. Dag wouldn’t talk like that.”
“I talk for Dag and you talk for you, okay dad?”I decided to humor him. “Okay, what did you do today Dag?”
“I didn’t do nothing much my future husband.”
“Uh…future husband?”
“What’s wrong with that if she loves you, dad? And she loves you, I can tell.”
That unnerved me. I shook my head. “Okay, where was I.”
Ronnie decided to prod me a little. “Is there anything you want to ask me my sugar man?”
“Sugar…! Yes, as a matter of fact, I like you very much.”
“I like you better, my handsome man.”
“Would you care to have dinner with me tonight, dear?”“That’s good, dad. Calling me, dear. That’s real good.”
“Well, Dag, would you?”
“You bet my excellent strong man! Just call me tonight and tomorrow night and all week!”
“I’m overwhelmed,” I told him.
“And if you want to, I’ll even marry you. Just call me! I mean her! Call her right now, dad!”
“How do I know she’s home?” I asked.
“Oh she’s home. I made sure!” He told me grabbing my jacket and pulling me towards the phone. “Go on, Go ahead, Dad.”
“All right, I will,” I said
I slowly picked up the phone and put it back down. I had suddenly chickened out.“It’s 555-4589,” Ronnie insisted.
I picked up the phone again and hadn't yet pushed the first button when Ronnie shot out the door.
~~~53~~~
~~~Narration by Dag~~~
There were often times during those two weeks that I thought about Glenn and about Ronnie. On several occasions I thought about arranging an accidental meeting in the hallway, or when I would see them out be the pool I thought about strolling out there. But I had no way of knowing for sure whether his anger had subsided or even if he ever wanted to see me at all again. And besides, I had made a promise to myself not to interfere in his relationship with Ronnie.
By the Saturday of Laurie’s graduation, I awoke early, showered and changed into a dress to wear for the occasion. After the ceremony was over, the whole family was going to gather at my parent’s home for some festivities. As it was, I was ready two hours before I needed to be. Instead of lounging around the house, I decided to go to my parent’s home and go to the graduation with them. And there was no doubt that
Laurie might be able to use some moral support for what was about to come. I was just about to leave when there was a knock at my door. I went to answer it. It was Ronnie, and he was out of breath.
“You’re phone’s ringing,” he told me.
I looked at him puzzled. “My phone’s not ringing, Ronnie,” I told him.
And of course I had no sooner said the words then it did ring. I looked at him strangely and then went over to answer it.
When I picked up the receiver, he ran back out of the apartment.
“Hello,” I said.
“Uh…um…Hello, Dag,”
I of course immediately recognized the voice as Glenn’s. He sounded nervous, and as soon as I knew it was him, my own palms began to perspire and my heart began to beat in a full gallop.
“Hello, Glenn,” I replied.
“How have you been?” he asked.
“I’m doing okay, and you?” I asked.
“Uh…we’re doing just fine,” he answered.
“That’s good, Glenn.” And as we talked Ronnie began running back and forth between the apartments to try and hear both sides of the conversation.
“And you?” Glenn asked.
“I’m okay,” I replied for the second time. What I was thinking though was “Please, please, please, ask me out”
“Uh, Dag, about that night, I wanted to say…..”
“No Glenn. You don’t have to say anything,” I told him. “I think we both said some regrettable things to each other, and I think we both said some things that also needed to be said. So please don’t apologize.”
“Um…okay. Uh….what are you doing this evening?” he asked. “Ronnie, I mean me, I mean I….I’d like it very much if you would consider going out to dinner with us.”
At this point, Ronnie was at my apartment door and I winked at him. “I’d like that very much Glenn, but my sister is graduating today. How about tomorrow night?”
“Uh..yeah, tomorrow night would be okay,” he answered.
“Of course, I don’t have to leave for a couple of hours yet, so if you would like you could accompany me to the graduation. And afterwards we’ll be having dinner at my family’s house. I think Ronnie would enjoy playing with the twins. It’s just an idea.” I told him.
“Dag,” he said. “Ronnie and I would very much like to accompany you to your sister’s graduation. I can think of no better way to spend a Saturday afternoon. We’ll be ready in two hours.”
“And I can’t think of any two guys I would rather go with,” I told him.
"And I can't think of any woman I'd rather spend the evening with," Glenn's voice said softly. But it wasn't over the phone receiver. He walked into my apartment. I quickly hung up the phone and turned back towards him just as he reached me. Glenn spoke softly, as he gently carressed my cheek.
"The truth is Dag, it should always have been you. The feelings I have for you are feelings that I never thought I could have with any woman ever
again. I always thought that a great love can only happen once in a lifetime. But I was wrong. Instead of accepting those feelings I denied them and ran away from them. The truth is Dag, it's you that I love. It's you that I want to....."
I gently placed my hand his arm. "Glenn, will you please quit talking and kiss me. I've been waiting since New Years!"
And he took me in his arms and kissed me. Unlike the brief touch of the lips on New Years, he kissed me long and passionately. Mom and Meg Ryan were both right. It wasn't just magic, it was perfect in every way, not to mention that it's the first time I every had had been applauded for a kiss as Ronnie stood clapping his hands together.
By the Saturday of Laurie’s graduation, I awoke early, showered and changed into a dress to wear for the occasion. After the ceremony was over, the whole family was going to gather at my parent’s home for some festivities. As it was, I was ready two hours before I needed to be. Instead of lounging around the house, I decided to go to my parent’s home and go to the graduation with them. And there was no doubt that
Laurie might be able to use some moral support for what was about to come. I was just about to leave when there was a knock at my door. I went to answer it. It was Ronnie, and he was out of breath.“You’re phone’s ringing,” he told me.
I looked at him puzzled. “My phone’s not ringing, Ronnie,” I told him.
And of course I had no sooner said the words then it did ring. I looked at him strangely and then went over to answer it.
When I picked up the receiver, he ran back out of the apartment.
“Hello,” I said.
“Uh…um…Hello, Dag,”
I of course immediately recognized the voice as Glenn’s. He sounded nervous, and as soon as I knew it was him, my own palms began to perspire and my heart began to beat in a full gallop.
“Hello, Glenn,” I replied.
“How have you been?” he asked.
“I’m doing okay, and you?” I asked.
“Uh…we’re doing just fine,” he answered.
“That’s good, Glenn.” And as we talked Ronnie began running back and forth between the apartments to try and hear both sides of the conversation.
“And you?” Glenn asked.
“I’m okay,” I replied for the second time. What I was thinking though was “Please, please, please, ask me out”
“Uh, Dag, about that night, I wanted to say…..”
“No Glenn. You don’t have to say anything,” I told him. “I think we both said some regrettable things to each other, and I think we both said some things that also needed to be said. So please don’t apologize.”
“Um…okay. Uh….what are you doing this evening?” he asked. “Ronnie, I mean me, I mean I….I’d like it very much if you would consider going out to dinner with us.”
At this point, Ronnie was at my apartment door and I winked at him. “I’d like that very much Glenn, but my sister is graduating today. How about tomorrow night?”
“Uh..yeah, tomorrow night would be okay,” he answered.“Of course, I don’t have to leave for a couple of hours yet, so if you would like you could accompany me to the graduation. And afterwards we’ll be having dinner at my family’s house. I think Ronnie would enjoy playing with the twins. It’s just an idea.” I told him.
“Dag,” he said. “Ronnie and I would very much like to accompany you to your sister’s graduation. I can think of no better way to spend a Saturday afternoon. We’ll be ready in two hours.”
“And I can’t think of any two guys I would rather go with,” I told him.
"And I can't think of any woman I'd rather spend the evening with," Glenn's voice said softly. But it wasn't over the phone receiver. He walked into my apartment. I quickly hung up the phone and turned back towards him just as he reached me. Glenn spoke softly, as he gently carressed my cheek."The truth is Dag, it should always have been you. The feelings I have for you are feelings that I never thought I could have with any woman ever
again. I always thought that a great love can only happen once in a lifetime. But I was wrong. Instead of accepting those feelings I denied them and ran away from them. The truth is Dag, it's you that I love. It's you that I want to....."I gently placed my hand his arm. "Glenn, will you please quit talking and kiss me. I've been waiting since New Years!"
And he took me in his arms and kissed me. Unlike the brief touch of the lips on New Years, he kissed me long and passionately. Mom and Meg Ryan were both right. It wasn't just magic, it was perfect in every way, not to mention that it's the first time I every had had been applauded for a kiss as Ronnie stood clapping his hands together.
~~~54~~~
~~~Narration by Laurie~~~
After thirteen years of education, graduation day arrived. There was nothing left to do but get up, shower, get dressed and put on my graduation gown. The cap would have 
to wait until I arrived at the auditorium, as I wasn't in any hurry to pin my hair up.
My speech was finished and had been ready for quite a while. I had completely memorized it and silently rehearsed it, so that was a plus. I looked around my room, and it seemed too quiet. I walked over to the portrait of my mother.
“Well, Mom, what do you think of your daughter?” I asked aloud.
“I think she would say she is extremely proud of you, Laurie.
My door had been opened and Dad was standing there watching me. He walked over to where I was standing.
“I have a feeling that somewhere, somehow your mother is looking down on you right now, and she is just bursting with pride just as I am,” he said.
I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. “Dad, I know I
don’t say this often enough, but I couldn’t imagine what my life would have been like without you and mom. I love you, dad.”
“I love you too, Laurie,” and we continued to hold each other not wanting to lose the
very special moment.
Mom appeared in the doorway.
“Is there more of that to go around?” she asked.
I ran over and wrapped my arms around her.
“I love you, mom.” I told her.
“I love you too, Laurie,” she said. “I’m sure Susan is here in this room right now. Sometimes I feel like she’s always been here looking after all of us. And when you’re up on that stage today, I think she’ll be right there along side of you.”
I finally let go of her, and it was time to go. Mom told us that Dag had called and said that she would meet us there, that she was coming with her neighbor Glenn and his son. I was glad of that. Dag wasn’t fooling me. She cared more about those two than she had ever let on. Arcadia would be looking after the twins and Keith.
When we arrived at the auditorium it was already starting to fill up. Mom and Dad found some seats near the front. When Dag, Glenn and Ronnie arrived they found seats a couple of rows back. Gail and Kurt were already there and were sitting next to each other. I went over and said hello to Gail.
“Are you nervous?” she asked.
I nodded. “Scared to death,”
“You’ll be fine, Laurie,” she whispered.
I wasn’t so sure. My stomach was already beginning to tie up in knots.
Since Gail was sitting in the end seat, I sat on the other side of Kurt.
Finally, the hall was filled, and it was time to begin.
The first speaker was the Mayor of Devonshire. He wasn’t too bad and didn’t go on long. Then it was the superintendent of schools, and he was his usual boring self.
The worst of the lot was Principal Harding. He went on for an eternity, and half the time he was mumbling his speech. By the time he finished there was a lot of yawning, a lot of coughing, and the sound of a lot of bottoms shifting around in their seats.
While Harding stood on stage listing all of my accomplishments, I took a deep breath. Kurt grasped my hand and gave it a quick squeeze to offer his support while wishing me good luck.
Harding was finishing my introduction.
“………this year’s class valedictorian, Laurie Baker.”
I stood up hoping my knees wouldn’t buckle. They didn’t. There was a smatter of polite applause, except from Gail, Kurt, and my family who applauded long and loud. As I walked the few steps up to the stage, I prayed I wouldn’t trip. Mr. Harding was waiting for me at the podium and shook my hand before sitting down. I turned to face the audience.
Most of the audience was sitting and whispering to each other or looking at their watches hoping I wouldn't go on too long. My speech was on the monitor just as
Elizabeth had said it would be. I ignored it. I had memorized my speech and it wasn't the text scrolling in front of me. The speech I had turned into Principal Harding, the one read by Elizabeth, had never been the speech I intended to give. The speech I had turned in was written in twenty minutes and was total nonsense which is how I knew Elizabeth was simply trying to make me feel better when she had complimented me at the prom. Sometimes you did what you have to do.
I quickly glanced at Gail who smiled at me as if to offer encouragement. I wasn’t sure she would be smiling a few minutes later. My palms were beginning to perspire and my throat had become as dry as the Mojave desert. For the first time I was beginning to have my doubts as to what I was about to do. I looked out into the audience and saw Mom and Dad waiting expectantly. And then I found Dag, and the look on her face made me believe she knew exactly what I was going through. In fact, she was the only one who knew since I had told her during the special weekend we had spent together. She smiled at me, nodded her head affirmatively, and mouthed the words, “It’s okay, sis.” Somehow, that gave me the courage to go on.
I leaned over, tapped into the mike, took a deep breath than practically yelled into it to get everyone's attention.
"Parents, Faculty and Staff, Fellow graduates," I began. The room suddenly grew quiet.
“Thirteen years ago we began our long journey to this special moment in time. It is a moment that we will forever remember, one that we can look back on and cherish with fervor in the years that lie ahead. We have arrived here through many years of study, hard work, highs and lows, ups and downs, trials and tribulations. But I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know so I will not stand up here and bore you with meaningless platitudes that you will forget as soon as the graduating class has a diploma in their hand and are ready to rush out the door. What I am going to do is to be as honest and as truthful as I can be, and as I have learned over the years, the truth can be brutally painful.
How many times over these many years have we been told by our family, our teachers, and our friends to just be yourself and don’t try to be something you are not? We have all heard it, but how often do we abide by that principle?"
When I was in the second grade my class was given a blank piece of paper with some crayons, and we were told to draw a picture that showed something about ourselves, or what we would like to do when we grow up. I remember it very clearly because I drew a picture of myself, another woman, and a baby. We were all living together in a house. When my teacher at the time saw it, she asked me what it was a picture of and I told her that it would be my family when I grew up.
“Where’s the daddy,” she asked?
“I don’t need one,” I told her. “Boys are yucky.”
She laughed, said that I would change my mind some day and that with out a mommy and a daddy I couldn’t have a baby. The rest of the class had a good laugh at my expense as well. But that picture I drew was how I felt. So what I learned from that experience was that you can only be yourself as long as it conforms to what people think is proper by their own standards no matter how unjustified those standards may be and no matter how hurtful it may be to others.
It was the first time that I learned that it is so much easier to be a conformist rather than to be an individualist.
We are told over and over not to compromise who we are, or our sense of values. Yet, all of us are guilty of often selling ourselves out because it is a much easier path than to follow one in which we have to take a stance, to stand up for what we believe in or to fight for what we know in our heart is honest and real. We do so not just to get by, but we often do this out of fear, fear that if we reveal our true self or take an unpopular stance we will suffer dreadful consequences.
When we were in junior high school, there was a girl. Her name was Norma Riley. I didn’t know Norma that well, but I wish she was here now so that I could speak to her and to tell her how sorry I am. This girl suffered unspeakable indignities of the worst kind, and was taunted and ridiculed mercilessly to the point that she felt the only option she had left was to take her own life.
And what was her crime that brought on these continual taunts of humiliation? She dared to kiss another girl. I have no way of knowing what her sexual orientation was, but does that matter? Should it really matter that much that a woman might love another woman or a man
might love another man? And what message did this send to someone else who might be either homosexual or bisexual? The message was loud and clear. You must hide your identity and live in fear of what might happen to you because it’s safer and less humiliating to conform than to have your own identity. And although I did not taunt this girl, I was just as guilty as those of you who did so because I stood by and let it happened and failed to take a stance against what I knew was wrong in every conceivable way. My sense of fear overruled my sense of justice and just as everyone else did, I went along to get along. I am as responsible for her death as those who spewed insult after insult towards her, day after day, driving her to do the unthinkable.”
(It was at this point that I heard a slight scuffle behind me. I half expected Principal Harding to come and yank me away from the podium. But it didn’t happen so I continued.)
It has been almost two years since I sat with my mother and she wisely told me, “only compromise on the things that aren’t important to you as an individual. Don’t ever compromise who you are, or what your values are just to fit in. And most of all, don’t compromise what you believe in just to be accepted. Once you begin selling out your values, Laurie, then it never stops and in the end you’ll be hurt or you’ll hurt someone in the process. So don’t change who you are just to get along.”
Yet, even then I failed to listen to her words and I took what seemed to be an easier path of being someone I wasn’t. And in doing so I hurt two very close and dear friends. More importantly, I hurt myself in the process by compromising my own individuality.
As you go out into the world, you will find yourselves challenged to do what is right, to stand up for who you are, or to stand by a friend or family member who just like Norma, may become the victim of prejudices passed on to us from generation to generation. Some of you may always believe that being yourself is more of an “idealism” than anything of substance, so why bother with it?
I think back to that day in the second grade, when I was laughed at because I dared to draw a picture with two mothers, a young infant, but no father. I wonder what many of you who were with me that day drew, and wonder what you would draw on that blank sheet of paper today. If I were asked to paint a picture of my life as I see it now or in the future, I would perhaps paint myself in an operating room, performing surgery to save a life.
(At this point, just as I had planned I turned to directly address the student body)
Or perhaps I would once again paint myself, my child, and my partner for life. And just as I painted it then I would paint it almost the same way now. The unnamed woman in the painting would now be that partner, a woman that I would love, would cherish, share all my private thoughts with, share my heart with, and my bed with. I would do this because that is who I was then, and that is who I am now. I am a lesbian, and I am proud to be one. I refuse to lie about myself any longer because that lie comes at too high of a cost just so that I can fit in, just so I can be safe, or so that I can appease someone’s ancient notion of what is morally right or what is morally wrong or that I am somehow a freak or abnormal or should be tarred and feathered because I want to live my life in the way that I was born to do so. I did not choose to be gay, but that is what I am.
What you have to decide from this day forward, is what price are you willing to pay to compromise yourself? It doesn’t matter if you are straight, gay, bi, African-american, caucasion, Asian, or whatever nationality you may be, or whatever religion you may be, or whether you are a man or a woman. You should always be willing to stand up and fight for what you believe in. You should be yourself, and you should never compromise your values or who you are just so that you can blend in. Because if you do, when all is said and done, you will look back to find the life that you have lived was a lie.
I took a deep breath. There was deadly silence in the auditorium. I had expected mom and dad to at least applause, but I must have stunned them for they too sat momentarily silenced. But it was worse than that.
When I had finally admitted to my sexuality in front of a good percentage of the population of Devonshire, I had been looking directly at Gail. A look of shock had suddenly descended on her, and for the rest of my speech, she had simply stared at the floor unwilling to look at me.
"Well, what's done is done," I thought. "At least they won't forget that speech anytime soon."
Then suddenly Mom, Dad, Dag, Glenn and even Ronnie rose out of their seats and began cheering as loud as they could. I wanted to hug all of them. Then I looked over and saw that Abby Madison was sitting a few rows back from mom and dad and she was applauding also.
Then from off to the side I heard more applause. It was Kurt. He stood and began applauding wildly. Gail turned her head and wouldn't look at me. So besides my family, I had to remember to hug Kurt also. Mr. Harding looked as if he was ready to expel me if I hadn't already been graduating. Then Elizabeth arose, and she began clapping and cheering right along with Kurt. I whispered thanks to them and had taken half a step back towards my seat when almost every student stood up and began applauding and cheering right along with them. There were two who didn't. One, Chuck, I could care less about. The other one was Gail, and again she looked away.
Then suddenly, the applause in the audience began to grow, bit by bit, and traveled like a wave towards the back of the arena. I turned back towards them. It was no longer just my family, it was practically everybody in the auditorium now applauding and cheering. As I stood there, I didn't know what to say or to do. Finally I simply muttered thank you into the microphone, and they cheered louder. Mom began to cry, and Dad handed her a handkerchief.
I finally made my way back to my seat amid the applause. When I sat down they cheered again.
"Totally Gutsy, Laurie," Kurt had whispered to me. "Wow!"
Gail just turned away.
I kept trying to look past Kurt towards Gail but she refused to acknowledge my presence.
Finally, after Mr. Harding said something about "that being one speech we'll all certainly remember" we received our diplomas and it was time to leave. Outside, Mom, Marcella, Dag, Glenn, Ronnie, Abby and Elizabeth Schaeffer gathered around me. I had kept looking for Gail but she had disappeared immediately after the ceremony. My heart sank. Marcella said Gail had told her she had to fix her hair.
"I can now tell you in all honesty that the speech you gave me to turn into Harding was lousy," Elizabeth said to me laughing.
"Well, I hated doing it that way but you know Harding would never have approved that speech I just gave."
"Yeah, and you almost didn't get to finish," Ronnie said. He pointed to Elizabeth. "She pulled that bald headed guy back into his seat when he started to get up."
I looked at Elizabeth, wishing I had turned around to see it. It certainly explained the commotion I had heard. She was laughing.
"Well, I try to do everything I can to help my students," she said.
"I hope somebody took a picture of that. I would love to have seen it," I told her. "And thanks a million. I was afraid he might do something like that when he realized I wasn't giving the speech I had turned into him."
"No wonder you didn't want to practice your speech," mom told me.
"Well, I thought you might try to talk me out of giving it," I told her.
"You're right I would have."
Abby had already congratulated me and told me she had known all along I would be okay. She asked if I was willing to do some volunteer work at the center, and I readily agreed. She then got into a long conversation with Dad and I think she wrestled a sizable donation out of him.
I only halfway heard the congratulations. I was looking and listening to Kurt and Marcella. All I heard was, "I don't know where she went......she seemed quite upset."
My heart began to sink again. Gail finally found her way out of the building. She walked quickly past us said something to Marcella about going home and
continued on.
"Gail," Marcella called after her. "Aren't you going to congratulate Laurie on her speech?"
She simply shook her head negatively and continued walking looking downward.
"Gail! Please!" I hollered after her. "Gail, let's talk about this,
please," I begged. I was on the verge of tears.
She didn't look back but simply shook her head.
I tried again.
"Gail! Please! Don't do this! Don't walk out on me!"
"Let me talk to her," Kurt said. He ran off after Gail and when he caught up with her, they were speaking loud enough so that we could hear them.
"Gail, why are you doing this? Laurie needs you to stand by her now more than ever," Kurt told her.
"No she doesn't. She doesn't need me for anything," she told him through her tears.
"Why because she is gay?" he responded.
"Do you think that's it?" she replied angrily. "That's not it at all. All this time Laurie's been living a lie. She has known this all along and kept it a secret from me. We're supposed to be like sisters, we're supposed to confide everything to each other, and she tells me like this, along with everybody else?"
"Those are very warm and endearing sentiments about being sisters, Gail, but life doesn't always work out the way we want it to or expect it to. Nobody should understand that better than you do. You have no idea what Laurie has gone through wrestling with this for the past year," Kurt told her.
Gail looked up at him. "You mean you knew! You've known all along? Is that what the big secret was that about the night you two broke up? And that story about you having cheated on her?"
"Yes, Gail. I've known ever since that night. That alone should tell you what she's been through. That night she was in the cemetary it was because she felt totally alone and helpless, she didn't know how to deal with it, just like you were when you broke up with Chuck. She didn't want to be who she is. But you know what Gail? She stood up and faced it and she did it all on her own. I can't think of anybody who would have the courage to give that speech she just gave in there."
"But if you knew she could have told me," Gail protested. "I would have stood by her."
"Would you Gail? Think about it? How many times did I hear you and Chuck making fun of gay people? And yes I'm guilty of having done that too. Imagine what it must be like to be Laurie and not really know if people would hate her for who she was, or if they just didn't understand. And do you know something else, Gail? I think that's exactly what your real problem is right now and all this nonsense about her not telling you she's gay is just an excuse. The truth is you can't deal with the fact that Laurie is a lesbian. So why don't you just admit it? And remember this, Gail, all of your life in every way Laurie has stood by you and supported you when nobody else would except maybe your mother. She had to come out in her own way, and do it in a way that would really be meaningful. And if you run out on her now when she needs your friendship the most, you're not the person I thought you were.”
He walked away from her and back to us. She stood there alone for a second than took a step forward.
"Gail, please! At least talk to me! I don't want to lose our friendship!" I pleaded with her again.
She stood there silently for a second then for the first time slowly turned around to look at me. Tears were streaming down her face as they were mine. Then she took one step towards me,
And that one step became a run as she rushed back towards us. And when she reached me she grabbed me and pulled me towards her.
"For crying out loud, Laurie! You could have told me," she said through her tears. "I wouldn't abandon you! How could I? You're my special sister!"
"I wanted to tell you. I almost told you that night in my room after the prom. I guess I'm not all that brave after all."
"Yes you are, Laurie! You're the bravest person I know. I wouldn't care if you just found out you were a purple dinosaur, you'll always be my best friend. And remember, we have a pact. I couldn't go against that, could I?"
"No, we couldnt' break our sacred pact," I told her.
"I love you, sis," she whispered to me.
"Soul sister," I whispered back to her. "And I love you too, Gail."
EPILOGUE
I would like to say that after my speech, everything was just perfect and that everybody accepted me for who I was. But of course, that was not the case. Along with many letters of support, I began receiving my first letters of hate mail. It bothered me at first, but then I just chalked it up to ignorance and Dad and I had a nice bonfire with them.
One of the reasons for the hate mail was because as it turned out, there was a local reporter from the town newspaper at graduation. The article ran buried on Page Eight, with the headline, Local Girl Outs Herself in Valedictorian Address.
The article itself was highly complimentary, and talked about my courage, and all that stuff. Then some other news paper picked it up off the wires and ran it, then another and another. No, it wasn’t a big news story, but all newspapers need a little filler and I guess enough people saw it that I began getting the letters.
It was encouraging though that for every one of the hate mails that Dad and I burned, there were twenty offering their thanks for giving them the courage to face the future. That alone made everything I had gone through in that year worth every second of it.
As for Dag, my predictions about her and Glenn seem to have been accurate. They are now dating on a regular basis, and my new prediction is that they’ll be married within a year. They say they are starting out slow but you can see both of their eyes light up when they look at each other. And they are always coming over to the house and Ronnie just loves playing with Faith and Patsy. Dad and Glenn spend a lot of time at the pool hall and it’s good to see that.
On one of these visits by Dag, Glenn and Ronnie, had gone for a walk around the grounds. A short time later Ronnie came wandering into the house alone, looking a bit disgusted.
"What's wrong, Ronnie?" I asked him.
"Ahh.....Dad and Dag are getting all mushy on each other again!"
I laughed.
"How about if I teach you how to play some pool," I had told him. His face brightened up at that.
Did I say Dag and Glenn would be married within a year? Scratch and erase that. Make it six months. Obviously they can't keep their hands off of each other.
Gail will always be Gail in some ways, but she is taking life a lot more serious these days. She’s working this summer and intends to begin taking some classes in a community college. It was something I thought I would never see. But as I said, Gail will always be Gail. And although her abstinence from men vow didn’t last forever and she has dated again, she has not latched onto any one guy and has remained celibate. When she told me, “The next guy in my bed better plan on putting a ring on my finger first,” I knew she meant it.
“Besides, what’s the rush?” she told me. “I’ve got my whole life ahead of me.”
As for Chuck, things didn’t work out quite as he had planned. A week after graduation, he was playing a pick up game of basketball and tore the ligaments in his knee completely away from the bone. His prospects now seem kind of dim. Funny how things work out sometimes isn't it?
The hardest part after graduation, was when Elizabeth came to say goodbye. Yes, it was tearful. She moved back East to Boston, and we write to each other at least once a week. She already has a teaching position at a high school there, so there are going to be some lucky high school kids getting someone who was not only an
excellent teacher, but one of the finest persons I’ve ever known.
Kurt has remained loyal to me of course, but for the most part has been busy preparing to head East to study architecture just as he has always planned. I will miss him most of all.
As for myself, I intend to just relax and take it easy for the rest of the summer. I’ll be off to college soon to begin pursuing my lifelong ambition of being a neurologist.
Am I scared? Nervous and apprehensive perhaps, but certainly not scared. But I have a feeling that in college it won’t matter nearly as much that I happen to be a lesbian as it would have in high school.
And these were the many thoughts, word for word, that I was writing in my diary that day in the park on that summer afternoon so long ago. I was so lost in my thoughts that I did not see the person standing next to me until they spoke.
“Hello Laurie,” was all she said.
I looked up to see Angela standing next to me. Her hair was different, longer and darker but other than that she was the same Angela I had fallen in love with. I closed my Diary shut and jumped up.
“Angela! Oh my God!” I told her. “How did you find me?”
“Your mom told me where you might be. I went to your house first, and then I ran into Gail and she pointed me in the right direction. Laurie, I finally read your letter. Dad had opened it by mistake and found out about me, and about you. I didn’t get to read it until a few weeks ago.”
“Oh Angela, I’m so sorry! I never meant for that to happen! How
did he take it?”
“Not very well. It was quite awful as a matter of fact. He told me you had written to him, not to me, and that you were afraid of me. Of course I know better now.”
“I’m so sorry, Angela. I….maybe I never should have written you that letter. I just never thought of something like that happening. You must hate me!”
“No, Laurie. As much as I tried I couldn’t hate you. I tried to convince myself that I did, and I never understood why you would do something like that, but I never did hate you. I was hurt and very angry for a long time. But don’t apologize Laurie for something you had no control over. If anyone is at fault it’s me. I guess I just didn’t believe in you enough!”
“But if I had written to you when you first left, none of this would have happened. I was too afraid and too ashamed to face the truth.”
She was quiet for a moment. “Laurie, you’re not the first person to be afraid because you are a Lesbian. And I was no better than you, or I wouldn’t have kept it hidden for so long. I read about your valedictorian address so I know you have a ton of courage inside of you.”
“If only I had done something sooner,” I told her. “I guess both of us have been through a lot. Maybe we should just start over from the beginning, Angela.”
She was quiet for a moment as if she was unsure. “I don’t know Laurie. So much has happened. I don’t know if we can go back. Maybe it would be better if we just remember the time we shared together and what it meant to us.”
I looked at her, and I knew what she meant. With all the pain and the hurt we had both been through, she was wondering if it could ever be as magical as it had once been. We were no longer young teenagers in love as we
had aged a century in the months since I had last seen her.
I took her hands and held them in mine.
“Angela, I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But one thing I’m sure of is that I still love you and I know that you love me. You told me in your letter that I would always have a special place in your heart no matter what. If that is true Angela, we would be doing ourselves an injustice if we didn’t at least try. We can’t go back, but we can try
looking forward to the future.”
She smiled at me, and her eyes sparkled just as they had in those days so long ago.
“I do love you, Laurie,” she told me. “I reached up and caressed her face. And as I looked in her eyes, I knew. I knew that she loved me just as much as she had a year ago when I had last seen her. And a day had not passed that I hadn't thought of her.
I took her in my arms, and right there in the park I kissed her. And unlike the kiss we had once shared that was borne in a moment of anquish, this was a kiss of unashamed love.
“Hey! Are you guys going to stay up here forever making out?” I heard a voice calling.
We both laughed. It was Gail and Kurt walking up the path towards us. The three of us had come to the park that day to be together before we went our separate ways in the fall. When I had sat to write in my diary, they had wondered off together out of boredom.
Angela and I both laughed. “Nope, let’s go get something to eat” I told them. I turned back towards Angela, still holding her hand.
“Are you hungry,” I asked.
“Starved,” she laughed.
“It’s all settled then,” Kurt said. “Shall we go to The Beanery & Arcade one last time for old time sakes?”
We all nodded our approval and began walking toward the park entrance. Kurt and Gail walked ahead of us and Angela walked with me, her hand still clutching mine as if letting go would mean losing each other again.
Of course, there was one person who just had to stare at the two Lesbians walking out of the park with their hands intertwined. But do you know what? We didn’t care. Not even a little bit. Instead I preferred only to look with Angela towards the future with a new hope, that perhaps someday, somehow, we would be able to walk through the park hand in hand, and not one single person, would even notice or care.
And even if that day never comes in my lifetime, we can hope, we can pray, and we can do all that we can to see that our children or even our great grandchildren, will be freed from the prejudices of the past. But no matter what the future held for us on that day walking through the park with the girl that I loved, there was absolutely nothing in the world that could ever destroy the love that we shared then, and would share for many years to come.
to wait until I arrived at the auditorium, as I wasn't in any hurry to pin my hair up.My speech was finished and had been ready for quite a while. I had completely memorized it and silently rehearsed it, so that was a plus. I looked around my room, and it seemed too quiet. I walked over to the portrait of my mother.
“Well, Mom, what do you think of your daughter?” I asked aloud.
“I think she would say she is extremely proud of you, Laurie.
My door had been opened and Dad was standing there watching me. He walked over to where I was standing.
“I have a feeling that somewhere, somehow your mother is looking down on you right now, and she is just bursting with pride just as I am,” he said.
I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. “Dad, I know I
don’t say this often enough, but I couldn’t imagine what my life would have been like without you and mom. I love you, dad.”“I love you too, Laurie,” and we continued to hold each other not wanting to lose the
very special moment.
Mom appeared in the doorway.
“Is there more of that to go around?” she asked.
I ran over and wrapped my arms around her.“I love you, mom.” I told her.
“I love you too, Laurie,” she said. “I’m sure Susan is here in this room right now. Sometimes I feel like she’s always been here looking after all of us. And when you’re up on that stage today, I think she’ll be right there along side of you.”
I finally let go of her, and it was time to go. Mom told us that Dag had called and said that she would meet us there, that she was coming with her neighbor Glenn and his son. I was glad of that. Dag wasn’t fooling me. She cared more about those two than she had ever let on. Arcadia would be looking after the twins and Keith.
When we arrived at the auditorium it was already starting to fill up. Mom and Dad found some seats near the front. When Dag, Glenn and Ronnie arrived they found seats a couple of rows back. Gail and Kurt were already there and were sitting next to each other. I went over and said hello to Gail.
“Are you nervous?” she asked.I nodded. “Scared to death,”
“You’ll be fine, Laurie,” she whispered.
I wasn’t so sure. My stomach was already beginning to tie up in knots.
Since Gail was sitting in the end seat, I sat on the other side of Kurt.
Finally, the hall was filled, and it was time to begin.
The first speaker was the Mayor of Devonshire. He wasn’t too bad and didn’t go on long. Then it was the superintendent of schools, and he was his usual boring self.
The worst of the lot was Principal Harding. He went on for an eternity, and half the time he was mumbling his speech. By the time he finished there was a lot of yawning, a lot of coughing, and the sound of a lot of bottoms shifting around in their seats.
While Harding stood on stage listing all of my accomplishments, I took a deep breath. Kurt grasped my hand and gave it a quick squeeze to offer his support while wishing me good luck.
Harding was finishing my introduction.
“………this year’s class valedictorian, Laurie Baker.”
I stood up hoping my knees wouldn’t buckle. They didn’t. There was a smatter of polite applause, except from Gail, Kurt, and my family who applauded long and loud. As I walked the few steps up to the stage, I prayed I wouldn’t trip. Mr. Harding was waiting for me at the podium and shook my hand before sitting down. I turned to face the audience.
Most of the audience was sitting and whispering to each other or looking at their watches hoping I wouldn't go on too long. My speech was on the monitor just as
Elizabeth had said it would be. I ignored it. I had memorized my speech and it wasn't the text scrolling in front of me. The speech I had turned into Principal Harding, the one read by Elizabeth, had never been the speech I intended to give. The speech I had turned in was written in twenty minutes and was total nonsense which is how I knew Elizabeth was simply trying to make me feel better when she had complimented me at the prom. Sometimes you did what you have to do.
I quickly glanced at Gail who smiled at me as if to offer encouragement. I wasn’t sure she would be smiling a few minutes later. My palms were beginning to perspire and my throat had become as dry as the Mojave desert. For the first time I was beginning to have my doubts as to what I was about to do. I looked out into the audience and saw Mom and Dad waiting expectantly. And then I found Dag, and the look on her face made me believe she knew exactly what I was going through. In fact, she was the only one who knew since I had told her during the special weekend we had spent together. She smiled at me, nodded her head affirmatively, and mouthed the words, “It’s okay, sis.” Somehow, that gave me the courage to go on.
I leaned over, tapped into the mike, took a deep breath than practically yelled into it to get everyone's attention."Parents, Faculty and Staff, Fellow graduates," I began. The room suddenly grew quiet.
“Thirteen years ago we began our long journey to this special moment in time. It is a moment that we will forever remember, one that we can look back on and cherish with fervor in the years that lie ahead. We have arrived here through many years of study, hard work, highs and lows, ups and downs, trials and tribulations. But I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know so I will not stand up here and bore you with meaningless platitudes that you will forget as soon as the graduating class has a diploma in their hand and are ready to rush out the door. What I am going to do is to be as honest and as truthful as I can be, and as I have learned over the years, the truth can be brutally painful.
How many times over these many years have we been told by our family, our teachers, and our friends to just be yourself and don’t try to be something you are not? We have all heard it, but how often do we abide by that principle?"
When I was in the second grade my class was given a blank piece of paper with some crayons, and we were told to draw a picture that showed something about ourselves, or what we would like to do when we grow up. I remember it very clearly because I drew a picture of myself, another woman, and a baby. We were all living together in a house. When my teacher at the time saw it, she asked me what it was a picture of and I told her that it would be my family when I grew up.“Where’s the daddy,” she asked?
“I don’t need one,” I told her. “Boys are yucky.”
She laughed, said that I would change my mind some day and that with out a mommy and a daddy I couldn’t have a baby. The rest of the class had a good laugh at my expense as well. But that picture I drew was how I felt. So what I learned from that experience was that you can only be yourself as long as it conforms to what people think is proper by their own standards no matter how unjustified those standards may be and no matter how hurtful it may be to others.
It was the first time that I learned that it is so much easier to be a conformist rather than to be an individualist.
We are told over and over not to compromise who we are, or our sense of values. Yet, all of us are guilty of often selling ourselves out because it is a much easier path than to follow one in which we have to take a stance, to stand up for what we believe in or to fight for what we know in our heart is honest and real. We do so not just to get by, but we often do this out of fear, fear that if we reveal our true self or take an unpopular stance we will suffer dreadful consequences.When we were in junior high school, there was a girl. Her name was Norma Riley. I didn’t know Norma that well, but I wish she was here now so that I could speak to her and to tell her how sorry I am. This girl suffered unspeakable indignities of the worst kind, and was taunted and ridiculed mercilessly to the point that she felt the only option she had left was to take her own life.
And what was her crime that brought on these continual taunts of humiliation? She dared to kiss another girl. I have no way of knowing what her sexual orientation was, but does that matter? Should it really matter that much that a woman might love another woman or a man
might love another man? And what message did this send to someone else who might be either homosexual or bisexual? The message was loud and clear. You must hide your identity and live in fear of what might happen to you because it’s safer and less humiliating to conform than to have your own identity. And although I did not taunt this girl, I was just as guilty as those of you who did so because I stood by and let it happened and failed to take a stance against what I knew was wrong in every conceivable way. My sense of fear overruled my sense of justice and just as everyone else did, I went along to get along. I am as responsible for her death as those who spewed insult after insult towards her, day after day, driving her to do the unthinkable.”(It was at this point that I heard a slight scuffle behind me. I half expected Principal Harding to come and yank me away from the podium. But it didn’t happen so I continued.)
It has been almost two years since I sat with my mother and she wisely told me, “only compromise on the things that aren’t important to you as an individual. Don’t ever compromise who you are, or what your values are just to fit in. And most of all, don’t compromise what you believe in just to be accepted. Once you begin selling out your values, Laurie, then it never stops and in the end you’ll be hurt or you’ll hurt someone in the process. So don’t change who you are just to get along.”
Yet, even then I failed to listen to her words and I took what seemed to be an easier path of being someone I wasn’t. And in doing so I hurt two very close and dear friends. More importantly, I hurt myself in the process by compromising my own individuality.
As you go out into the world, you will find yourselves challenged to do what is right, to stand up for who you are, or to stand by a friend or family member who just like Norma, may become the victim of prejudices passed on to us from generation to generation. Some of you may always believe that being yourself is more of an “idealism” than anything of substance, so why bother with it?I think back to that day in the second grade, when I was laughed at because I dared to draw a picture with two mothers, a young infant, but no father. I wonder what many of you who were with me that day drew, and wonder what you would draw on that blank sheet of paper today. If I were asked to paint a picture of my life as I see it now or in the future, I would perhaps paint myself in an operating room, performing surgery to save a life.
(At this point, just as I had planned I turned to directly address the student body)
Or perhaps I would once again paint myself, my child, and my partner for life. And just as I painted it then I would paint it almost the same way now. The unnamed woman in the painting would now be that partner, a woman that I would love, would cherish, share all my private thoughts with, share my heart with, and my bed with. I would do this because that is who I was then, and that is who I am now. I am a lesbian, and I am proud to be one. I refuse to lie about myself any longer because that lie comes at too high of a cost just so that I can fit in, just so I can be safe, or so that I can appease someone’s ancient notion of what is morally right or what is morally wrong or that I am somehow a freak or abnormal or should be tarred and feathered because I want to live my life in the way that I was born to do so. I did not choose to be gay, but that is what I am.
What you have to decide from this day forward, is what price are you willing to pay to compromise yourself? It doesn’t matter if you are straight, gay, bi, African-american, caucasion, Asian, or whatever nationality you may be, or whatever religion you may be, or whether you are a man or a woman. You should always be willing to stand up and fight for what you believe in. You should be yourself, and you should never compromise your values or who you are just so that you can blend in. Because if you do, when all is said and done, you will look back to find the life that you have lived was a lie.
I took a deep breath. There was deadly silence in the auditorium. I had expected mom and dad to at least applause, but I must have stunned them for they too sat momentarily silenced. But it was worse than that.
When I had finally admitted to my sexuality in front of a good percentage of the population of Devonshire, I had been looking directly at Gail. A look of shock had suddenly descended on her, and for the rest of my speech, she had simply stared at the floor unwilling to look at me.
"Well, what's done is done," I thought. "At least they won't forget that speech anytime soon."
Then suddenly Mom, Dad, Dag, Glenn and even Ronnie rose out of their seats and began cheering as loud as they could. I wanted to hug all of them. Then I looked over and saw that Abby Madison was sitting a few rows back from mom and dad and she was applauding also.
Then from off to the side I heard more applause. It was Kurt. He stood and began applauding wildly. Gail turned her head and wouldn't look at me. So besides my family, I had to remember to hug Kurt also. Mr. Harding looked as if he was ready to expel me if I hadn't already been graduating. Then Elizabeth arose, and she began clapping and cheering right along with Kurt. I whispered thanks to them and had taken half a step back towards my seat when almost every student stood up and began applauding and cheering right along with them. There were two who didn't. One, Chuck, I could care less about. The other one was Gail, and again she looked away.Then suddenly, the applause in the audience began to grow, bit by bit, and traveled like a wave towards the back of the arena. I turned back towards them. It was no longer just my family, it was practically everybody in the auditorium now applauding and cheering. As I stood there, I didn't know what to say or to do. Finally I simply muttered thank you into the microphone, and they cheered louder. Mom began to cry, and Dad handed her a handkerchief.
I finally made my way back to my seat amid the applause. When I sat down they cheered again."Totally Gutsy, Laurie," Kurt had whispered to me. "Wow!"
Gail just turned away.
I kept trying to look past Kurt towards Gail but she refused to acknowledge my presence.
Finally, after Mr. Harding said something about "that being one speech we'll all certainly remember" we received our diplomas and it was time to leave. Outside, Mom, Marcella, Dag, Glenn, Ronnie, Abby and Elizabeth Schaeffer gathered around me. I had kept looking for Gail but she had disappeared immediately after the ceremony. My heart sank. Marcella said Gail had told her she had to fix her hair.
"I can now tell you in all honesty that the speech you gave me to turn into Harding was lousy," Elizabeth said to me laughing."Well, I hated doing it that way but you know Harding would never have approved that speech I just gave."
"Yeah, and you almost didn't get to finish," Ronnie said. He pointed to Elizabeth. "She pulled that bald headed guy back into his seat when he started to get up."
I looked at Elizabeth, wishing I had turned around to see it. It certainly explained the commotion I had heard. She was laughing.
"Well, I try to do everything I can to help my students," she said.
"I hope somebody took a picture of that. I would love to have seen it," I told her. "And thanks a million. I was afraid he might do something like that when he realized I wasn't giving the speech I had turned into him."
"No wonder you didn't want to practice your speech," mom told me.
"Well, I thought you might try to talk me out of giving it," I told her.
"You're right I would have."Abby had already congratulated me and told me she had known all along I would be okay. She asked if I was willing to do some volunteer work at the center, and I readily agreed. She then got into a long conversation with Dad and I think she wrestled a sizable donation out of him.
I only halfway heard the congratulations. I was looking and listening to Kurt and Marcella. All I heard was, "I don't know where she went......she seemed quite upset."
My heart began to sink again. Gail finally found her way out of the building. She walked quickly past us said something to Marcella about going home and
continued on."Gail," Marcella called after her. "Aren't you going to congratulate Laurie on her speech?"
She simply shook her head negatively and continued walking looking downward.
"Gail! Please!" I hollered after her. "Gail, let's talk about this,
please," I begged. I was on the verge of tears.She didn't look back but simply shook her head.
I tried again.
"Gail! Please! Don't do this! Don't walk out on me!"
"Let me talk to her," Kurt said. He ran off after Gail and when he caught up with her, they were speaking loud enough so that we could hear them.
"Gail, why are you doing this? Laurie needs you to stand by her now more than ever," Kurt told her."No she doesn't. She doesn't need me for anything," she told him through her tears.
"Why because she is gay?" he responded.
"Do you think that's it?" she replied angrily. "That's not it at all. All this time Laurie's been living a lie. She has known this all along and kept it a secret from me. We're supposed to be like sisters, we're supposed to confide everything to each other, and she tells me like this, along with everybody else?"
"Those are very warm and endearing sentiments about being sisters, Gail, but life doesn't always work out the way we want it to or expect it to. Nobody should understand that better than you do. You have no idea what Laurie has gone through wrestling with this for the past year," Kurt told her.
Gail looked up at him. "You mean you knew! You've known all along? Is that what the big secret was that about the night you two broke up? And that story about you having cheated on her?"
"Yes, Gail. I've known ever since that night. That alone should tell you what she's been through. That night she was in the cemetary it was because she felt totally alone and helpless, she didn't know how to deal with it, just like you were when you broke up with Chuck. She didn't want to be who she is. But you know what Gail? She stood up and faced it and she did it all on her own. I can't think of anybody who would have the courage to give that speech she just gave in there.""But if you knew she could have told me," Gail protested. "I would have stood by her."
"Would you Gail? Think about it? How many times did I hear you and Chuck making fun of gay people? And yes I'm guilty of having done that too. Imagine what it must be like to be Laurie and not really know if people would hate her for who she was, or if they just didn't understand. And do you know something else, Gail? I think that's exactly what your real problem is right now and all this nonsense about her not telling you she's gay is just an excuse. The truth is you can't deal with the fact that Laurie is a lesbian. So why don't you just admit it? And remember this, Gail, all of your life in every way Laurie has stood by you and supported you when nobody else would except maybe your mother. She had to come out in her own way, and do it in a way that would really be meaningful. And if you run out on her now when she needs your friendship the most, you're not the person I thought you were.”
He walked away from her and back to us. She stood there alone for a second than took a step forward.
"Gail, please! At least talk to me! I don't want to lose our friendship!" I pleaded with her again.
She stood there silently for a second then for the first time slowly turned around to look at me. Tears were streaming down her face as they were mine. Then she took one step towards me,
And that one step became a run as she rushed back towards us. And when she reached me she grabbed me and pulled me towards her.
"For crying out loud, Laurie! You could have told me," she said through her tears. "I wouldn't abandon you! How could I? You're my special sister!"
"I wanted to tell you. I almost told you that night in my room after the prom. I guess I'm not all that brave after all."
"Yes you are, Laurie! You're the bravest person I know. I wouldn't care if you just found out you were a purple dinosaur, you'll always be my best friend. And remember, we have a pact. I couldn't go against that, could I?"
"No, we couldnt' break our sacred pact," I told her.
"I love you, sis," she whispered to me.
"Soul sister," I whispered back to her. "And I love you too, Gail."
EPILOGUE
I would like to say that after my speech, everything was just perfect and that everybody accepted me for who I was. But of course, that was not the case. Along with many letters of support, I began receiving my first letters of hate mail. It bothered me at first, but then I just chalked it up to ignorance and Dad and I had a nice bonfire with them.
One of the reasons for the hate mail was because as it turned out, there was a local reporter from the town newspaper at graduation. The article ran buried on Page Eight, with the headline, Local Girl Outs Herself in Valedictorian Address.
The article itself was highly complimentary, and talked about my courage, and all that stuff. Then some other news paper picked it up off the wires and ran it, then another and another. No, it wasn’t a big news story, but all newspapers need a little filler and I guess enough people saw it that I began getting the letters.
It was encouraging though that for every one of the hate mails that Dad and I burned, there were twenty offering their thanks for giving them the courage to face the future. That alone made everything I had gone through in that year worth every second of it.
As for Dag, my predictions about her and Glenn seem to have been accurate. They are now dating on a regular basis, and my new prediction is that they’ll be married within a year. They say they are starting out slow but you can see both of their eyes light up when they look at each other. And they are always coming over to the house and Ronnie just loves playing with Faith and Patsy. Dad and Glenn spend a lot of time at the pool hall and it’s good to see that.
On one of these visits by Dag, Glenn and Ronnie, had gone for a walk around the grounds. A short time later Ronnie came wandering into the house alone, looking a bit disgusted.
"What's wrong, Ronnie?" I asked him.
"Ahh.....Dad and Dag are getting all mushy on each other again!"
I laughed.
"How about if I teach you how to play some pool," I had told him. His face brightened up at that.
Did I say Dag and Glenn would be married within a year? Scratch and erase that. Make it six months. Obviously they can't keep their hands off of each other.
Gail will always be Gail in some ways, but she is taking life a lot more serious these days. She’s working this summer and intends to begin taking some classes in a community college. It was something I thought I would never see. But as I said, Gail will always be Gail. And although her abstinence from men vow didn’t last forever and she has dated again, she has not latched onto any one guy and has remained celibate. When she told me, “The next guy in my bed better plan on putting a ring on my finger first,” I knew she meant it.
“Besides, what’s the rush?” she told me. “I’ve got my whole life ahead of me.”
As for Chuck, things didn’t work out quite as he had planned. A week after graduation, he was playing a pick up game of basketball and tore the ligaments in his knee completely away from the bone. His prospects now seem kind of dim. Funny how things work out sometimes isn't it?The hardest part after graduation, was when Elizabeth came to say goodbye. Yes, it was tearful. She moved back East to Boston, and we write to each other at least once a week. She already has a teaching position at a high school there, so there are going to be some lucky high school kids getting someone who was not only an
excellent teacher, but one of the finest persons I’ve ever known.Kurt has remained loyal to me of course, but for the most part has been busy preparing to head East to study architecture just as he has always planned. I will miss him most of all.
As for myself, I intend to just relax and take it easy for the rest of the summer. I’ll be off to college soon to begin pursuing my lifelong ambition of being a neurologist.
Am I scared? Nervous and apprehensive perhaps, but certainly not scared. But I have a feeling that in college it won’t matter nearly as much that I happen to be a lesbian as it would have in high school.
And these were the many thoughts, word for word, that I was writing in my diary that day in the park on that summer afternoon so long ago. I was so lost in my thoughts that I did not see the person standing next to me until they spoke.
“Hello Laurie,” was all she said.
I looked up to see Angela standing next to me. Her hair was different, longer and darker but other than that she was the same Angela I had fallen in love with. I closed my Diary shut and jumped up.
“Angela! Oh my God!” I told her. “How did you find me?”“Your mom told me where you might be. I went to your house first, and then I ran into Gail and she pointed me in the right direction. Laurie, I finally read your letter. Dad had opened it by mistake and found out about me, and about you. I didn’t get to read it until a few weeks ago.”
“Oh Angela, I’m so sorry! I never meant for that to happen! How
did he take it?”“Not very well. It was quite awful as a matter of fact. He told me you had written to him, not to me, and that you were afraid of me. Of course I know better now.”
“I’m so sorry, Angela. I….maybe I never should have written you that letter. I just never thought of something like that happening. You must hate me!”
“No, Laurie. As much as I tried I couldn’t hate you. I tried to convince myself that I did, and I never understood why you would do something like that, but I never did hate you. I was hurt and very angry for a long time. But don’t apologize Laurie for something you had no control over. If anyone is at fault it’s me. I guess I just didn’t believe in you enough!”
“But if I had written to you when you first left, none of this would have happened. I was too afraid and too ashamed to face the truth.”She was quiet for a moment. “Laurie, you’re not the first person to be afraid because you are a Lesbian. And I was no better than you, or I wouldn’t have kept it hidden for so long. I read about your valedictorian address so I know you have a ton of courage inside of you.”
“If only I had done something sooner,” I told her. “I guess both of us have been through a lot. Maybe we should just start over from the beginning, Angela.”
She was quiet for a moment as if she was unsure. “I don’t know Laurie. So much has happened. I don’t know if we can go back. Maybe it would be better if we just remember the time we shared together and what it meant to us.”
I looked at her, and I knew what she meant. With all the pain and the hurt we had both been through, she was wondering if it could ever be as magical as it had once been. We were no longer young teenagers in love as we
had aged a century in the months since I had last seen her.I took her hands and held them in mine.
“Angela, I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But one thing I’m sure of is that I still love you and I know that you love me. You told me in your letter that I would always have a special place in your heart no matter what. If that is true Angela, we would be doing ourselves an injustice if we didn’t at least try. We can’t go back, but we can try
looking forward to the future.”She smiled at me, and her eyes sparkled just as they had in those days so long ago.
“I do love you, Laurie,” she told me. “I reached up and caressed her face. And as I looked in her eyes, I knew. I knew that she loved me just as much as she had a year ago when I had last seen her. And a day had not passed that I hadn't thought of her.
I took her in my arms, and right there in the park I kissed her. And unlike the kiss we had once shared that was borne in a moment of anquish, this was a kiss of unashamed love.
“Hey! Are you guys going to stay up here forever making out?” I heard a voice calling.
We both laughed. It was Gail and Kurt walking up the path towards us. The three of us had come to the park that day to be together before we went our separate ways in the fall. When I had sat to write in my diary, they had wondered off together out of boredom.Angela and I both laughed. “Nope, let’s go get something to eat” I told them. I turned back towards Angela, still holding her hand.
“Are you hungry,” I asked.
“Starved,” she laughed.
“It’s all settled then,” Kurt said. “Shall we go to The Beanery & Arcade one last time for old time sakes?”
We all nodded our approval and began walking toward the park entrance. Kurt and Gail walked ahead of us and Angela walked with me, her hand still clutching mine as if letting go would mean losing each other again.
Of course, there was one person who just had to stare at the two Lesbians walking out of the park with their hands intertwined. But do you know what? We didn’t care. Not even a little bit. Instead I preferred only to look with Angela towards the future with a new hope, that perhaps someday, somehow, we would be able to walk through the park hand in hand, and not one single person, would even notice or care.
And even if that day never comes in my lifetime, we can hope, we can pray, and we can do all that we can to see that our children or even our great grandchildren, will be freed from the prejudices of the past. But no matter what the future held for us on that day walking through the park with the girl that I loved, there was absolutely nothing in the world that could ever destroy the love that we shared then, and would share for many years to come.
The End
Be sure to check back for some articles regarding the writing of Laurie and Dag and possibly some video.
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