(Author's Notes: Welcome again to Part Six of Laurie and Dag. In this Chapter the search for a missing girl begins. Usually I try to get at least one part of the story up a week but this one took two so my apologies for that. There were a couple of reasons. The first is that this chapter needed an extensive rewrite to explain better the actions of characters later in the chapter. When I posted the story on The Sims 2 site originally, storylines often had to be abridged due to length and/or limitations of the program used to upload stories there. The other reason is as you know, American Idol has begun and for the past three weeks they have been airing three shows a week so that has caused me to spend more time writing about that on my other blog, Clyde's All Purpose Corner. Hopefully things can return to normal when the show returns to two airings next week.For those of you who have landed here by accident, perhaps led astray by some search engine, yet you still are interested in what you are seeing, simply bookmark the blog and return at your convenience. If you would like to start this story from the beginning, something I strongly urge you to do to experience the full impact of what is going on, simply use the links in the right hand column to navigate from Chapter to Chapter. Also, you may actually want to start with the original story, The Kid and Me in order that you may understand some of the events that occur early in Laurie and Dag. However, I certainly don't think anybody can read either story all in one sitting which makes bookmarking imperative if you are to continue on. I do appreciate everybody who has stopped by and hope that in some small way, Laurie's story in Laurie and Dag will enlighten you the way that I was enlightened as I researched the background for it. Please note that you can click on any picture to get an enlargement and if you have any comments you can leave them or write to me at clydesplace@hotmail.com. Also, now more than ever this story is not recommended for anyone under the age of thirteen. Thanks again for stopping by.)
~~~30~~~
~~~Narration by Bettie~~~
Joe’s appearance on Oprah had done wonders for the sales of The Kid & Me. A month after all the excitement surrounding not only his appearance on the show but Keith’s birth as well had subsided, the book had suddenly shot up to the top of the best sellers list. Joe was pleased, but only in the sense that it meant more money would go towards cancer research. What he didn’t like about it was the fact that he was now in great demand for books signings and for making the rounds of the talk show circuit.
Over the years I had become so used to Joe being around the house all of the time that getting used to him being gone took some doing. I hadn’t realized how much I had come to rely on him for doing so many things around the house not to mention tht the kids were beginning to miss him quite a bit.
Laurie helped with the kids when she wasn’t busy with Kurt or her school work, but that wasn’t very often. Laurie had always been a book worm as she had grown into a teenager, but now that she was in her senior year she was going beyond just studying. It was as if somehow she could achieve an A with fifteen plus marks behind it. It was something to worry about especially since she had just started becoming more sociable during her junior year, what with dating Kurt and hanging out with that crowd. Now it seemed she was drawing inward again.
It wasn’t difficult to pinpoint when the latest change in Laurie had begun. Since the departure of Angela, there was no doubt in my mind that there was something very wrong in Laurie’s world, but any attempt by me to dig deep into what it might be was quickly rebuffed or met with “nothing’s wrong mom, nothing at all.” Often times any inquiries would be met with just a stare that seemed to suggest I might be imagining something. It was obvious that Laurie wanted me to butt out completely. She had always come to me with her problems and this was the first time she had totally shunned my help.
Over the years I had become so used to Joe being around the house all of the time that getting used to him being gone took some doing. I hadn’t realized how much I had come to rely on him for doing so many things around the house not to mention tht the kids were beginning to miss him quite a bit.
Laurie helped with the kids when she wasn’t busy with Kurt or her school work, but that wasn’t very often. Laurie had always been a book worm as she had grown into a teenager, but now that she was in her senior year she was going beyond just studying. It was as if somehow she could achieve an A with fifteen plus marks behind it. It was something to worry about especially since she had just started becoming more sociable during her junior year, what with dating Kurt and hanging out with that crowd. Now it seemed she was drawing inward again.
It wasn’t difficult to pinpoint when the latest change in Laurie had begun. Since the departure of Angela, there was no doubt in my mind that there was something very wrong in Laurie’s world, but any attempt by me to dig deep into what it might be was quickly rebuffed or met with “nothing’s wrong mom, nothing at all.” Often times any inquiries would be met with just a stare that seemed to suggest I might be imagining something. It was obvious that Laurie wanted me to butt out completely. She had always come to me with her problems and this was the first time she had totally shunned my help.
Before Angela, Laurie had often had friends over. She had been Gail’s friend since they were kids. But when Angela came into her life they had developed a camaraderie unlike any I had ever seen between two teenage girls. It was as if the two of them were operating on the same very personal wave length of a frequency meant only for the two of them.
In just a short time to see Laurie without Angela was like Thelma without Louise, Laverne without Shirley, Betty Rubble without Wilma Flintstone, or Lucy Ricardo without Ethel Mertz. And after several shopping trips together, they had even taken to wearing the same outfits.
Was I bothered by it? Not at first I wasn’t. Laurie seemed as happy as she had ever been, and it was extremely gratifying to see her put the distressing visit to her grandparent’s home behind her, to be out enjoying life instead of losing herself entirely in books. But when they began doing things such as finishing each other sentences, I thought I had entered some kind of twilight zone.
The day that Angela arrived in tears to tell Laurie of her departure, I was stressed out myself. I knew that in just a few short months the bond between the two of them had grown as deep as the Grand Canyon was wide. What I wasn’t prepared for was the changes in Laurie that began the day Angela left for good, the day that Angela had given her a letter of goodbye.
It had been a year since she had started seeing Kurt
, and I had always thought it was a strange relationship. When Dag had been in her teen years and dating, all she talked about was her current boyfriend of the moment. When she would come home from a date, the guy was all she could talk about. Unlike Laurie, if you asked Dag about the movie she had been to, she would have to stop for a second and rack her brain to even remember whether she had seen a movie or not. By my count, Dag had gone steady at least three or four times before she had graduated.
Even before Angela had come into her life, Laurie had little to say about her relationship with Kurt. She would often come in, talk about the movie they had seen, where they had ate, but had little to say about Kurt beyond that he was “okay” and a “nice guy” and she “liked him.” It didn’t seem like much of a relationship considering she had been dating the boy for almost a year. When Laurie told me she was going to break up with Kurt, I wasn’t surprised at all. The shocker came when Kurt returned to town and Laurie told me she had changed her mind about breaking up and that she suddenly found herself madly in love although she hadn’t even seen the boy for the entire summer.
If Laurie hadn’t given us too many glowing reports about Kurt before, when she resumed dating him upon his return from Hawaii she became positively mute on the subject. She would come in then make a cursory stop in the living room, and the conversation would go something like this:
“How was your date, Laurie?”
“Fine mom, I’m tired though so I think I’ll go on to bed.” Hell, we didn’t even get the movie review out of her anymore.
Stranger still was the fact that Laurie had taken down the poster of Xena that she had always seemed to cherish so much. But when she replaced the posters with the likes of Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, and Tom Welling I was so dumfounded I couldn’t think of a thing to say to her. And then, even after hanging the posters Laurie still didn’t show any real interest in the new found hunks gracing her wall.
I had never heard Timberlake blasting away on her CD player or known her to have watched one
single episode of Smallville. As for Kutcher, she had watched Punk’d a few times, thought it was okay but had the opinion that the celebrities who fell for the pranks were not very bright. She had seen his movies “Just Married” and “My Boss’s Daughter” but was also of the opinion that she’d have gotten more for her money if she had taken a twenty dollar bill and set a match to it. Laurie did have words of praise for “The Butterfly Effect”- kind of. She said it was interesting and different, if not very believable. In Laurie’s world, those were words of high praise, but still wouldn’t have led me to believe that I’d see good old Ashton looking at me from her bedroom wall.
But all of these incidents paled by comparison to what really was troubling me. Since Laurie had received that letter, she had barely mentioned Angela at all. One day she was in mourning, and the very next day it was almost as if Angela had never existed or had simply evaporated like a puff of smoke. One day I finally decided to ask Laurie if she had ever responded to Angela’s letter. Not only did she seem quite annoyed about me even asking, she simply turned around, and opened the fridge with the reply, “working on it. Do we have any juice?” And that was that. There were no phone calls between the two of them, and no letters, and I was almost clueless as to what had gone down.
I say almost, because as Mothers will sometimes do, I began to slowly put the tiny pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together piece by piece, and I wasn’t sure I liked the picture that was forming. Over the weeks after Angela had left and all the other strange things had happened, I would lay in bed at night while Joe was gone thinking of all the things that had occurred even when Laurie was at a very young age.
Her relationships with girls had always seemed a bit different. A girl, almost any girl could easily enter into Laurie’s world and be readily accepted. It’s something that you almost have to be around to understand. Yes, Dag had girlfriends, I had girlfriends when I was growing up, but with Laurie it always seemed different as if each and every girl was something special.
It had always seemed to me that Laurie seemed so much different from not only her sister, but different from any of the teenage girls I had ever known. Much of it was in the way she reacted to those around her, especially her girl friends. She always seemed to have some kind of special camaraderie with them, a sort of special sixth sense that enabled her to tune into their thought and feelings better than I ever had when I was a kid. She would often tell me how she thought something was bothering one of her friends but she wouldn’t exactly be able to put her finger on it. A few days later, she would manage to coax the problem out of the friend and sometimes offer help and advice. When there was a particularly precarious predicament, she would sometimes seek my advice. She always seemed to know when one of her friends was falling for someone else, when they were going to break up, and whether they were having trouble with their relationship. I once suggested she should start her own advice column and Laurie got a kick out of that.
Until Kurt, Laurie had never really dated. She had been out a few times, mostly to please Gail. When she had gone out with the Phil Malone guy in an effort to please Gail, I remember that as they left the house, she had looked back at me and rolled her eyes and made a face. And that was before she even knew he was such a jerk. Or maybe he wasn’t a jerk and it was all in Laurie’s head. Maybe she needed an excuse not to go out with him again.
But she never once seemed to be troubled or bothered that she wasn’t dating. Even with Kurt I kept waiting for the sparks to ignite, but in order for that to happen someone had to light the match first. And it wasn’t that Kurt wasn’t trying to. On the occasions when he would arrive early for their date he would sit and talk with either me or Joe and it was always Laurie this and Laurie that almost none stop. There was no doubt what his feelings towards Laurie were.
And there were other things too, little things that kept nagging at me. I remember one evening when she came in after having been out shopping with Gail. Joe was reading in his recliner and I had just begun watching a film called Personal Best. Laurie sat on the sofa and began telling me about her shopping trip and I only half paid attention to what was on the TV screen. But as we talked Laurie’s eyes kept returning to the screen. I was about to change the channel when Laurie stopped me.
“Let’s watch this,” she said. “I’ve never seen it before.” So I laid down the remote. The story was about two female athletes vying to compete in the 1980 Moscow Olympics. Although they were competitors, they quickly became friends, and later they became lovers and the film left very little to the imagination. I was glad at that point that Joe had already turned in for the evening. It’s not that either one of us is a prude, but he would have been very uncomfortable sitting there watching such a thing with Laurie who was sixteen at the time. To be perfectly honest, I was feeling quite a bit uncomfortable myself, but I managed to stick it out to the end.
As for Laurie, I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen her so wrapped up in what was going on in a movie. Maybe The Wizard of Oz when she was five years old had captivated her but nothing else since. But if the movie had enthralled her, the ending practically enraged her.
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen,” she told me throwing her arms up in disgust as the credits rolled. “What a load of crap!”
“Laurie!” I told her. “I thought you were enjoying the movie and watch your language!”
“I did up until that sorry last half hour. Here they are, two lesbians, Chris and Tory that were so much in love and happy together, and all of a sudden this guy comes into the picture and Chris suddenly forgets her love for Tory and goes to bed with some guy? Sorry, mom. I’m not buying that pack of pure bologna. Looked to me like some screen writer either just copped out completely or the studios made him write some half-a……uh….half-baked ending.”
“Well, I wouldn’t know about that, Laurie. Maybe she was really bi-sexual or something.”
Laurie had looked at me with a disgusted look on her face. She wasn’t buying it and I have to admit that I hadn’t either. I quickly gave her a hug and watched as she went upstairs to her room mumbling the entire way.
It was mainly because of this particular incident that the thought that Laurie might be gay had first crossed my mind. It was only a brief thought and although it would reoccur now and then, I would just laugh and chalk it up to the fact that I was imagining things, worrying too much (as I often had a tendency to do), or just being plain silly. But no matter how often I thought about these things, the thoughts always began and ended with Laurie and Angela Jordan.
I knew there had been something in Angela’s letter, something that Laurie was having trouble dealing with. Many times I was tempted to seek the letter out, but it was a temptation I never gave into. It would have been different if Laurie had done things to make me suspect she was doing something illegal, perhaps doing drugs, but of course there was nothing of the sort. Dag had sneaked out of the house for a date late once or twice, but Laurie had not even done that as far as I knew. There was no reason at all not to trust her, and to invade her privacy and read Angela’s letter to placate my worries, would have been to violate the bond of trust we had built up between us over the years.
One Friday night when Laurie was out with Kurt and was planning on spending the night with Gail, Joe had finally managed to snag a weekend at home. I decided to try and unburden myself by discussing thins with him, but I waited until the other kids were asleep and we were alone in bed.
“I think something’s bothering Laurie,” I told him.
He thought about it for a second. “I have to admit that she has seemed kind of distant since her friend Angela left. She’s probably still trying to deal with that. She’ll be okay.”
“No, I don’t think that’s it,” I told him. “I expected her to be depressed for a while, but it hasn’t been like that at all. Did you know that before Angela left she said she was going to break up with Kurt because he was getting too serious and she didn’t think she would ever feel that way about him?”
I had finally piqued Joe’s interest. “Obviously that hasn’t happened. Why do you think she changed her mind?”
“I don’t know. She told me that she decided she cared for him a lot more than she thought she did.”
“Well, that could be true,” he answered.
“I suppose so. But she had made this decision before he even returned from Hawaii. So what could have happened to change her mind? If Kurt had been back and they had dated a while longer and Laurie had come to this decision I might be able to understand it. It almost seems as if she thinks she’s being required to fall in love with him.”
“Well, she never showed much of an interest in dating before Kurt came along. Maybe she’s just trying harder to fit in. Believe me if anybody knows how hard is it getting through school when you’re different, I do. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, honey.”
“I guess you’re right. But don’t you think it’s kind of strange that she hasn’t even mentioned Angela since she left?”
“Hmmm….come to think of it she hasn’t. Maybe she’s just trying to block the whole thing out of her mind.”
“But Joe, other than the letter Angela gave her when she was leaving, they haven’t written to each other, nor called each other on the phone. I would have thought Angela would have sent her phone number by now or something. There’s something more to all of this. I can feel it, Joe”
“Are you becoming a Jedi Knight now?” Joe asked, grinning. “The next thing you know you’ll be telling me to use the force.”
“Well, you can use the force on me any time,” I told him and gave him a quick kiss.
Joe reached over to turn out the light at about the same time there was the sound of thunder booming off in the distance. “It looks like we’re going to get a storm. I hope it doesn’t wake up the kids.”
“I’ll go check on them if it gets too bad,” I told him. He gave me another quick kiss and in moments was asleep. As for myself, I lay awake listening as the thunder drew closer and flashes of lightning began lighting up the room. My talk with Joe had accomplished nothing. I was right back where I had started. It would be a while before I would sleep.
As the storm increased in intensity I made the rounds to each bedroom but all the kids including Keith were sleeping soundly. When I returned to bed I still couldn’t sleep. I lay there awake listening to the rain pounding on the roof above me. By morning, the storm had dissipated and the sun had managed to find its way through the clouds and I felt like crap from lack of sleep.
With the sound of Keith crying interrupting my thoughts, I knew it wouldn’t be long before everybody else would be up and about demanding breakfast. I quickly fed and changed Keith, returned him to his crib, took a quick shower and began to make breakfast.
In short order the kids found their way downstairs and I could hear Joe getting into the shower also. I sent the kids in to watch TV as I finished breakfast, and it wasn’t long before Joe joined me to offer a helping hand.
“Here, finish these omelets.” I told him. “I’m going to call over to Gail’s and make sure Laurie’s okay. The storm we had last night was just awful. It didn’t seem to bother you or the kids any.”
“Nope, I slept like a log,” he said. “I’m sure she’s okay. The storm didn’t start until late.”
“Just the same, I’ll feel better hearing her voice.” He shrugged and took over the cooking duties at the stove.
I went to the phone and quickly dialed Gail’s phone number. Marcella answered the phone.
“Hi Marcella!” I told her, “This is Bettie; I didn’t wake you up did I.”
“No, of course not,” she answered. “Who could sleep with that storm last night?”
“Well, Joe and the kids slept through it just fine. I just wanted to make sure Laurie and Gail didn’t stay out too late and get caught up in it. Is Laurie awake?”
There was silence on the other end. “Bettie, Gail’s home and she is awake. She’s right here as a matter of fact. But Laurie isn’t here.”
“Oh? She’s already on her way home?” I asked.
“No Bettie. Laurie hasn’t been here. She didn’t stay here last night.”
I don’t know what I felt at the moment that Marcella said those words. I should have been instantly angry, but instead a sense of dread suddenly came over me. It wasn’t just that it was so unlike Laurie to tell such a lie, but with the storm, I now had no clue as to where she could be.
“Can I talk to Gail, Marcella?” I asked. My heart was pounding.
“Sure, Bettie.” I waited until Gail was on the phone.
“Gail, do you have any idea where Laurie might be? She said she would be with you and Chuck last night.”
“Uh….” Gail was hesitant. I knew her first instinct would be to try and cover for Laurie.
“Gail, this is no time to cover for her. I need to know if she’s okay and that she didn’t get caught out in the storm. Was she with you last night or not?”
Gail took a deep breath. “Well, Kurt and Laurie were with us for a while and then they left. Honest Mrs. Baker, they didn’t tell us where they were going or what they were going to do.”
“Do you know where they might have gone Gail?” I asked. Joe must have seen the concern on my face for he had quickly taken the food off the stove and came over to me.
“Sometimes they would go to the park,” she answered. “They might have gone to his house. Sometimes they’ll go over there after a movie or something. Honestly Mrs. Baker, if Laurie was planning on doing something she didn’t confide in me about it.”
I believed her. The worrisome sound in Gail’s own voice told me that. She knew as well as I did that this was not something Laurie would normally have done. “Okay, Gail, I believe you. I’ll try calling Kurt’s house. Thanks, Gail.”
“Uh…Mrs. Baker,” she said. “Please let me know if she’s okay. Will you?”
“Yes, Gail. I will. I promise.” I hung up the phone, and furiously dialed Laurie’s cell phone number and received only the recording for her voice mail. I left a message for her to call me right away and then hung up.
Joe immediately began asking questions. “What is it, Bettie? What’s wrong?”
“She didn’t stay at Gail’s house last night. Gail doesn’t know where she is. She’s not answering her cell phone. I’m worried, Joe.”
“Do you have Kurt’s number? Call over there.”
I quickly dialed the number. It rang about seven or eight times and I had just about decided that there would be no answer when a groggy sounding Kurt finally responded.
“Kurt, is Laurie there?,” I was trying my best to hide both the desperation and anger in my voice but I knew I wasn’t succeeding. “If she is let me speak to her. NOW!”
“Huh?” He responded. “Is this you Mrs. Baker?”
“Yes it is Kurt, now can I speak to Laurie?”
“Uh….Mrs. Baker, Laurie isn’t here.” He replied.
“Don’t try to cover for her Kurt. Is your mother or father there?”
“No, Mrs. Baker. They’re away for the weekend. But Laurie isn’t here Mrs. Baker. She left last night. I thought she was going home. We…….kind of had a fight and she ran off. With the storm coming I thought she would go home.”
“And you didn’t think to walk her home, Kurt?” I asked accusingly.
Suddenly his voice changed. He at first seemed as if I had no right to be calling him. Now fear had crept into his voice in a small way while at the same time He became defensive.
“I told you we had a fight. She ran off and I hollered for her to wait but she just kept running. I honestly thought she would be going straight home” A chill ran up my spine. Whereas before I was concerned and worried, a sense of deep growing fear had now overtaken me.
“What was the fight about, Kurt?” I asked. He didn’t answer right away.
“We broke up, Mrs. Baker,” he said bluntly. “If I knew where Laurie had gone, I’d tell you. If I had known she wasn’t going home, I’d have ran after her”
“I don’t need excuses Kurt. It shouldn’t have mattered. What time did she leave your house?” I had the feeling that there was a lot more to this story that Kurt wasn’t telling me. Now was not the time to be keeping secrets.
He paused for a long time as if he didn’t want to answer. “It was after midnight,” he answered. This time, the way he had answered told me he knew that he had made a mistake. I didn’t care. I was angry.
“Kurt, I’m not going to even ask you what Laurie was doing at your house that late with your
parents gone. I can settle that with Laurie later. But to let her walk home at that time is inexcusable. I don’t give a damn what you were fighting about.”
He didn’t answer me and I knew he was searching for something to say.
“Did you call Gail,” was all he could come up with.
“Yes, Kurt, I called her. Kurt, if you have any idea where she might have gone please tell me.”
“Honestly Mrs. Baker. I just don’t know. I’ll go out and help look for her. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to her.”
“Okay, Kurt. I’ll be out looking for her too so I’ll give you my cell phone number in case you find her.” For the first time, the only thing I read in his voice was deep concern. But I just wasn’t buying this break-up story at all. There had to be more to it than that. We quickly exchanged numbers and I hung up.
“What about Dag? Maybe she went over there.” Joe asked I tried dialing Dag’s phone, but by then my hands were shaking badly.
“Calm down, hon,” Joe said taking my hand in his. “She’ll be fine. We’ll find her.” His words had a somewhat soothing affect on me and I was able to dial Dag’s number.
Dag answered, but my heart sank again when she quickly told us she hadn’t seen Laurie. I quickly filled her in on the details that I knew.
“Dag, get over here as fast as you can,” I told her. “We’ll need you to stay with the kids while we go look for her.”
“I’ll be right there, Mom.” She replied.
Joe took the phone from my hand and began dialing.
“I’d like to file a missing persons report,” he said. And I knew he had dialed the police.
“Since last night,” I heard him say. “Twenty-four hours,” I heard him yell into the phone. “You mean my underage teenage daughter has to be gone twenty-four hours before you’ll do anything about it?”
“Well, my daughter wouldn’t just run off. Something has happened to her. My name is Joe Baker, and perhaps you’ve heard of my book, The Kid & Me?.........Oh, you’ve heard of it. Good. Well I suggest you send a police officer out here or the next time I go on national television, like maybe The Oprah Winfrey Show, I’d hate to have to start spouting off about the ineptitude of the Devonshire Police Department. That would be very bad for public relations…….you’ll send an officer out?......Thank you.” Sometimes you had to grab the bull by the horns.
I quickly served the kids breakfast, and by the time I finished there was a police officer at the door. Joe went out to greet the policewoman who took a report and description of Laurie but seemed totally disinterested in what she was doing. In other words she was no help at all.
Dag arrived soon afterwards. I gave her Kurt and Gail’s phone number and told her to call them and have them call their friends to see if they could come up with anything. Then Joe and I left, not sure where we were going or even where to begin.
We decided to split up and search the numerous parks and malls scattered aimlessly about the city. I would start by searching the closest parks on foot while Joe would drive further away to begin his search. We would meet up again at the arcade at a designated time.
I took my time walking through two parks, making sure I left no area uncovered. I even called out her name, which I'm sure had people believing I was looking for someone much younger than Laurie.
I even stopped a few people to ask if they’d seen
her and giving them a description. The response was negative. And with each footstep, my fear increased tenfold. And I thought of Joe and what he must be thinking. It had been years since I had seen him look as worried as he did. All my walking, searching and questions were to no avail, and I had no choice but to head to the arcade.
Joe was not there yet, so I went into the arcade to ask some of the patrons if they had seen her. One girl, a blond girl with pony tails said she had seen her the night before with Kurt but hadn't seen her since. I went next door to The Beanery, and the response there was the same. When I went back outside Joe had just pulled up and gotten out of the car.
“Did you have any luck at all,” he asked.
“No, none. I don’t know what else to do.” I was on the verge of tears, but I fought them off. Now was not the time to let my emotions get the best of me. I was beginning to feel helpless and lost. It was also about this time that we saw Kurt coming down the sidewalk.
“Kurt!” I hollered and motioned for him to come over. When he reached us, his concern was written all over his face along with something
else. It was a look of guilt.
“Have you found anything out at all, Kurt,” I asked quickly.
He shook his head. “I’ve called all of our friends and went to some of their houses. Nobody’s seen or heard from her. I went to the mall and walked around there, but no luck there either. I don’t know where else to look. Honestly, Mrs. Baker, if I had known she wasn’t going home…….”
I didn’t let him finish. “They will be time for that later, Kurt. All I want to do is find my daughter.”
"Can you think of anywhere else she might have gone," Joe asked. "Maybe some place you two went to together."
He thought for a minute. “No, Mr. Baker. I’ve racked my brain but I can’t think of……wait a minute. There was one place we’ve been to a few times. I took her to the cemetery so she could visit the grave of her sister. She says it helps her think. But I don’t think she would go there with a storm coming and that late at night.”
“You’re probably right, Kurt.” Joe answered. “But at this point I’m willing to give anything a try. Bettie and I will go out there and check it out. You’ll keep looking, won’t you and give us a call if you hear anything?”
“Sure, Mr. Baker. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to her.” We turned to leave and had taken a few steps away.
“Mr. Baker! Mrs. Baker!” He called to us. We turned around.
“I’m really sorry about what happened. I….just want you to know that.”
I looked at Kurt. Suddenly, I felt a huge rush of sympathy for him. If anybody was blaming themselves for Laurie’s disappearance he was, but once again I couldn’t help think he was feeling guilty about something other than not having walked her home.
I walked over to him, and gave him an encouraging hug having decided it was better to have him as an ally rather than an opponent. “I know, Kurt. I know that. I’ve always known you cared about Laurie a great deal.”
Joe and I left and headed for the cemetery, not really expecting to have any luck. When we arrived there was nobody around except an old caretaker who looked like he had been around for ages. Nevertheless we walked over to Emily’s gravesite. The caretaker must have seen us because he walked over to where we stood.
“Kin I ‘elp you folks?” he asked.
“We were just looking for someone.” I answered.
“They got a thing in that building there, tell ya where ya kin find anybody” he said pointing in the direction of it.
“No, our daughter is alive. This is her sister buried here and we thought she might have come out to the cemetery to visit.”
“This is her sister?” he asked. I nodded affirmatively. “Well darn if that ain’t the strangest thing. When I got here this morning thare were a young gal right here. Looked like she’d been lyin' out here all night in the storm. She was shore in a bad way.”
When he said that my heart leapt out of my chest. “Did she have long brown hair, blue eyes and was she wearing a red dress?”
“Why…yeah. She was come to think of it. Purty little gal. Kind of sad really.”
“Where did she go? Did she tell you where she was going?” Joe asked hurriedly.
“Well, she weren’t in much shape ta be goin’ anywhere. Couldn’t even pick herself up off the ground. I had to call an ambulance to come and git her. Couldn’t of been but a hour or so since they took her away.”
It was all I could do to keep fighting the tears away. “Where did they take her?! What hospital!?”
“Well……lemme see if I kin ‘member. Uh…..it weren’t St. Lizabeth’s…..hmmm…”
Joe interrupted. “Please you have to remember! Try to remember!”
“Workin’ on it,” He answered in his slow drawl. “hmmm…Yeah…that’s it….’twas Genneral…..Devonsure Gennaral….I’m positive that was it ‘cuz she didn’t have no i.d. or nothin’. Couldn’t even hardly ‘member her name. Come to think of it, I think she said somethin’ about it being Laurel, or…nah…Lorraine....no that's not it either.....I think it was Laurie. Yah, that’s it!”
I grabbed the old codger and planted a big wet kiss on his cheek. He was grinning from ear to ear. Joe grabbed my hand. "Let's go," He said as we began running towards the street where he had parked the car.
"Thank you, Mister," I hollered back at him.
"Nahhhh.....," he hollered back still rubbing his cheek. "Thank you Miss! Glad to 'elp ya!"
The drive to Devonshire General took only a few minutes but it seemed like an eternity. We quickly found a parking place in the visitors parking lot, litterally ran through the front entrance and up to the information desk.
For all of our running it did us little good. The woman at the front desk was on the phone. She raised a hand as if to say, "I'll be with you in a minute." After what seemed like an eternity she finally hung up the phone and sat down.
"How can I help you?" she asked.
“We were told our daughter might have been brought in here,” Joe told the woman at the desk. “Her name’s Laurie Baker.”
The woman looked at him. “Do you know who brought her in and when?” she asked.
“About an hour or so ago. She was brought in by ambulance from Westwood Cemetery.”
“Oh! Yes, the cemetery girl. We’ve been trying to find you. Yes, she’s in the emergency room right now. I’ll call over there and tell them you’re here. Just stop at the nurse’s station when you get over there.”
We quickly walked down the hall to the rear of the hospital where the emergency room was. At the nurse’s station, we told a nurse who we were and that they had just sent
us from the front desk.
“We’ve been trying to find a way to reach you. All we could get out of your daughter was her name. She’s in with the doctor right now. So as soon as he’s finished you can go in to see her. Just have a seat in the waiting room.”
I looked at her name tag. “Justine….is it okay if I call you that….How is she? Can you tell us anything? Please, anything at all?”
“Well…..she’s a very sick girl at the moment. The doctor won’t be too long. I’m sure he’ll be right out.” We went to the waiting room. Neither Joe nor I sat down.
“What is wrong with that girl? Lying out in the cemetery all night during a storm! And all over some boy! What’s gotten into her?”
Joe sounded angry but I knew he really wasn’t. He was as worried as I was.
“I think there’s more to it than that, Joe. There has to be.”
“Is it…..could it be she couldn’t deal with what I told her about Susan and myself after all?”
“No, Joe!” I quickly answered. The last thing I needed was for him to start blaming himself. “I’m sure that’s not it at all!” But I was beginning to believe that I did know. And this time I didn’t brush the thoughts out of my head. Things had become way too serious to not at least consider all of the possibilities.
At that moment a younger looking man came into the room.
“Are you Laurie’s parents?” he asked.
“Yes, we are,” Joe quickly answered. “How’s Laurie, Doctor?”
“Physically she should be okay. She has what we call walking pneumonia.”
“Is it from being out in the storm all night?” I asked.
“Well, yes and no. The Mycoplasma Bacteria that inhabits the body can do so for a long time and never become active. However, being exposed to inclement weather for an extended period of time, along with stress, can cause it to become active. I think that’s what’s happened in Laurie’s case. I’ve started her on an antibiotic and we’ll keep her here for a day or two to get her fever down and make sure everything’s okay. After that she’ll have to rebuild her strength
gradually.”
“How long will that take, doctor?” I asked.
“Just ease her back into things. It’ll probably take about two weeks for that. Then she can return to school. To be completely physically cured, as long as everything goes okay, it’ll take four to six weeks.”
“Doctor, when you said physically she was okay, what did you mean? Is there something else we should know?” Joe asked. Joe had picked up on the fact that the doctor had emphasized the word physically twice.
“Your daughter’s mental state right now is pre
carious, Mr. Baker. Obviously something is deeply troubling her. I have no clue as to what that might be, but perhaps you might know. She’s going to need a lot of understanding, counseling, and possibly therapy for whatever it is. When the ambulance arrived to get her, they practically had to force her in as she refused to be moved. I’ll give you the name of some counselors you might want to get in touch with that she can see as soon as she’s able. You can go see her now although you shouldn’t expect too much out of her. I gave her something to help her rest, so if she’s not asleep she’ll be very drowsy. She’s in holding room 112 until we can get her a room. And one of you will have to stop in the office to fill out some paper work. We’ll also need the name of your family doctor so he can come in and take over.”
“Okay, I’ll go fill out the paper work,” Joe said. “And thanks doctor, thanks for everything.” Joe shook his hand and the doctor left.
“I’ll go on down the hall,” I told Joe softly.
He simply nodded. “Good god, Bettie. I had no idea Laurie was having problems. I guess that’s what you were trying to tell me last night. I….I….shouldn’t have been away so much. And I won’t, not anymore. What the hell could it be that’s bothering her?”
I put my hand on his shoulder. “Joe, don’t blame your self. I’ve been home and I feel just as helpless as you do. We’ll find out what it is and we’ll get her help.”
He didn’t say anything as he left to fill out the papers. I walked down the hall to Holding Room 112, and quietly walked in.
Laurie lay in the bed, her eyes closed. She looked terrible. Her eyes were swollen and beet red. She was as pale as if she'd been spinning in a washing cycle filled with bleach. Joe and I had nursed all of our kids through various illnesses, but nothing had prepared me for this.
The tears I had been holding back all day began to fall.
“Mom, I’m sorry. Please, don’t cry,” Laurie said hoarsely, almost in a whisper. I looked at her. She had opened her eyes but as quickly as she had stirred, she had just as quickly fallen back asleep. I had never felt so completely helpless in all my life.
When Joe entered the room, he told me he had called Dag, who was going to call Frank, Arcadia, Gail and Kurt to let them know she had been found. And then Joe held me, and as he did his own tears dampened my shoulder, tears that he quickly brushed away. Afterwards, We both sat down to begin our long vigil.
Eventually they wheeled her and her bed to a room. She didn’t stir hardly at all even when they lifted her into her regular bed. Two hours later the nurse came in to take her vitals Laurie finally awoke, but was only slightly coherent.
“Where am I?” she asked.
“You’re in Devonshire General Hospital,” the nurse answered. “You’re parents are right here.”
Laurie coughed and coughed loudly as she looked over at us. “Oh…..yeah….I remember now. Some old guy trying to help me up and then there was an ambulance, and a doctor in the emergency room. I guess I was kind of out of it.”
It was Joe who spoke to her first. “Laurie, we were out of our minds with worry. What’s come over you anyway?” I quickly grabbed his shoulder and shook my head. Now was not the time.
“I’m sorry dad. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
“Well, your fever is finally starting to go down. That’s a good sign.” The nurse said after replacing Laurie’s chart. "You need to get more rest though."
“Laurie, what’s troubling you?” I asked. “This wasn’t just because Kurt broke up with you was it?”
She looked at me and her head hung down. “No, mom. It’s just……please I don’t really want to talk about it. At least not right now. And don’t blame Kurt. He didn’t break up with me. I broke up with him.”
“Laurie, there will be plenty of guys in your life. You can’t go off the deep end like this over one guy, especially when he’s the first one you’ve ever dated,” Joe said.
“I told you Dad, it wasn’t about Kurt! I did more to hurt him than he could ever have done to me and I don’t want to talk about it!”
Joe looked hurt. I knew he was trying to help, but I also knew he was barking up the wrong tree.
“Laurie, your father is just worried about you. We both are. How can we help if we don’t know what’s troubling you?”
“I know, mom. I know you’re trying to help.” She coughed again. “It was just a little bit of everything, trying to do too much at school, then having to break up with Kurt and hurting him. I went to the cemetery because I thought it would help me clear my thoughts like it did the last time”
Laurie was trying hard to sound convincing but I didn’t believe a word of what she was saying just as I believed that Kurt hadn’t told me everything..
Joe asked. “Laurie, you could have died out there. It’s bad enough that you have pneumonia now, but you could have been struck by lightning out there in the open during a storm.”
“You’re right, dad. It was a stupid thing to do, and I’m sorry. I promise. I’ll talk about it more when I’m feeling better. Why don’t you take mom home and both of you get some rest now. You can come back in the morning. I’ll be okay now.”
A chill ran down my spine. It was the way she had said it. It was almost monotonic, emotionless, and had been said only to ease Joe’s mind. It was as if she wished she hadn’t been found at all and was still lying back at the cemetery.
Joe sighed. “Okay Laurie.” He walked over and kissed her. “Laurie, whatever is wrong, I hope you know that you can always count on your mother and I being here for you.” We’ll see you first thing in the morning.” He left to go warm up the car and to bring it around to pick me up.
“Your father’s right dear. Whatever is wrong we’re not going to judge you. The only thing we care about is that you’re okay. Your father and I love you very much, and I don’t know what we would have done if we had lost you.”
“I know, mom. I know it was a stupid thing to do. I love you and dad too. I’m sorry I did this to you.” She did sound sincere this time, but she was only sorry for the pain she had caused us, not for what she had done.
I gave her a quick hug and kiss and started to leave the room. “Get plenty of rest, Laurie. We’ll be back first thing in the morning. Can we bring you anything?”
“Just some pajamas that are halfway decent, toothpaste, and that kind of stuff.” She coughed again.
“Okay, pajamas it is.” I was beating around the bush, delaying the exit. I kept telling myself that I could talk to her tomorrow, or maybe the next day even about what I was thinking. But the tone in her voice had told me that tomorrow or the next day could be too late. Still I hesitated.
I walked quietly toward the door. I placed my hand on the doorknob but it froze there. My hand was sweaty, but I took a deep breath to calm myself. It was then that I asked the question, the one that had been nagging at me for far too long. I didn’t know for sure if it was the right time to do it, but I did know that if I didn’t, Laurie may never be able to tell us, or to find the courage in herself to face it. Not to mention that I was scared, scared of what she might do.
“Laurie, did all this happen because you think you’re a lesbian?” I asked softly. I was almost afraid to turn around and face her once the question had escaped from my mouth. But I had said it so she would be sure to hear me. I almost hoped that she would start laughing and telling me how ridiculous I was. But she did not.
“What did you say, mother?” she asked. I was sure she had heard the question, but probably couldn’t believe I had asked it. Her use of the word mother told me that.
I took another deep breath and this time turned to face her. “Did all of this happen because you think you are gay?” I asked again. And after I had said it she threw her blanket off, jumped out of the bed and nearly fell to the ground in the process.
"“MOM! YOU READ ANGELA'S LETTER! HOW COULD YOU?!" Tears began streaming down her cheeks.
After she had screamed it she had to grab the bed for support. I rushed over and pulled her towards me.
“No Laurie, I didn’t read Angela’s letter. You know I would never do that.”
“Then how…..how….did you know?”
“It was a lot of things Laurie. I watched the way you and Angela were together. What the two of you had went well beyond just friendship. And then there was the way you fell apart when she was leaving. After she gave you that letter though, you changed completely. You would hardly talk to me or your father, you changed the posters in your room, you were going to break up with Kurt and then you weren’t. And all this time you were going with Kurt, you never talked about him the way any other girl in love would have. It’s a hundred things and a thousand things Laurie, some big and some little. Was I sure? No, I just suspected it as only a possibility” I had spoken the words softly, in an effort to soothe her. I don’t know if it had any effect.
“Oh god, mom! I’m so ashamed! You must think I’m a pervert or something!”
“Laurie! There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. Of course you’re not a pervert. This isn’t a sickness or a disease. It’s who you are, and to think I or your father would love you any less because of this is wrong!”
“But the kids at school, they’ll know. They’ll hate me, they’ll….. Remember that girl in Junior high I told you about? That girl Norma….”
“Norma? The girl who committed suicide? Yes. I remember. Laurie.” How could I forget? The girl’s death had upset everybody in the community and for some reason, Laurie had an especially difficult time dealing with it. She had become physically ill the day Gail had popped in to tell her what had happened. Laurie had run to the bathroom and begun vomiting vehemently. As far as I knew, nobody had ever found any reason for the girl to have taken her own life.
“She was gay, mom,” Laurie tried telling me through her coughs and her tears. She was almost incoherent. “Well, maybe she wasn’t gay….I don’t know… but she kissed another girl and everybody kept making fun of her and teasing her until she couldn’t handle it anymore….and I didn’t do anything…..and and and…..” She could speak no more. Here tears and coughing had taken control.
What did I feel at that moment? It’s hard to say. I was stunned. I hadn’t thought of Norma in years. I thought Laurie’s reaction to her death had been only because she had known the girl and went to school with her. It was the first time she had experienced the death of someone she had known and the fact that it was suicide had only made it worse. Now there was another frightful element added to it. A chill went up my spine. I felt anger, not at Laurie but suddenly anger at all the cruelty and inhumanity in the world. And then my instincts kicked in, and all I wanted was to protect Laurie.
“Laurie, you can’t blame yourself over what happened to Norma. I know it won’t be easy but we’ll get through this. There’s still a lot of prejudice and cruelty in the world. But your father and I will always be here for you, and Dag and your brothers and sisters are here for you also. And we’ll get you some counseling.”
“You mean…like a psychiatrist?” She answered lifting her head up off of my wet shoulder. “Do you think I’m crazy?”
“No Laurie, of course you’re not crazy. But obviously you’ve faced up to the fact that you’re a lesbian. Your father and I can give you all the support you need, but you will have to find a way to deal with it and come to terms with it but most of all to understand it. That we can’t do for you. Somewhere in your mind you are thinking that it’s wrong, or that maybe you can be cured. That’s why you dated Kurt all this time.”
“You won’t tell dad will you?” she asked me. “I couldn’t stand the thought of him looking at me and thinking his daughter was some kind of freak!”
“Laurie, for the millionth time Joe would never think that. Your father is the most understanding person in the world that I know of. With his life, and the things him and Susan went through, nobody on this planet would be more understanding then him.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter. By Monday, the whole school will know anyway. Kurt will see to that.”
I raised an eyebrow, and now all the pieces of the puzzle as to what had happened the night before had suddenly fallen into place.
“So you did tell Kurt. Don’t underestimate, Kurt, Laurie. He’s hurting right now. He was very much in love with you and this had to come as quite a shock. I think Kurt will do the right thing; you just have to give him time to come to terms with it. Right now, I want you to rest and try and get well so that you can come home. Your father and I will be back first thing in the morning, and we’ll talk some more.”
She simply nodded. I hugged her again. “We love you Laurie, don’t ever forget that.” Again she nodded. I helped her get back into bed and pulled the blankets back up. “Your father and I will be back first thing in the morning. Try and get some rest, Laurie” She simply nodded as I kissed her on her forehead.
I knew that as soon as I walked out of the room she would begin to cry again. As for myself, I wanted to but I didn’t. I had always heard that a parent often felt the pain and suffering of their children. I was never more aware of that than I was now.
Joe of course, had the car warmed up and quizzed me on what had taken so long. I made the excuse that I had just wanted to make sure everything was okay before we left.
“But I need for you to stop by Kurt’s home,” I told him. Joe looked at me as if he were surprised but he didn’t question me as to why. I dialed Kurt’s number on my cell phone and told him we were on our way over and that I wanted to talk to him. He seemed hesitant but told me it would be okay.
“What is this all about, Bettie,” Joe asked.
“It’s complicated, Joe. Just drop me off at Kurt’s then you can go on home. I’ll tell you all about it after the kids are asleep.” He didn’t question me any further but did as I asked.
Kurt was standing inside the front door waiting for me. He opened it without saying a word. We went into the living room and I sat on the couch while he sat across from me on the love seat.
“Now Kurt, do you want to tell me the whole story about what happened last night?” I asked him.
He looked down at the floor. “I told you, Mrs. Baker. We broke up and Laurie got upset. It’s as simple as that.”
“Look at me, Kurt. Don’t feed me that line of horse manure. I wasn’t born yesterday. What were you and Laurie doing in the house together alone after midnight with your parents gone?”
He looked down at the floor again and began tracing around the carpet with his foot. I was getting impatient. “I think Laurie should tell you, Mrs. Baker. It’s not my place to.”
“Laurie’s told me enough, Kurt. Now I want to hear it from you. You can either talk to me now, or we can have this talk when your parents return home. You can start with the fact that the two of you were planning on having sex together.”
He looked up from the floor floor and took a deep breath. “Yes, Mrs. Baker. We…um….had decided to do that. But…um…..once we got started Laurie couldn’t go through with it so I got mad and we broke up. That’s it. Really Mrs. Baker, this is….”
I didn’t let him finish. “Was the reason she couldn’t go through with it is because she told you she was gay?”
“You knew?” he asked angrily.
“As of about an hour ago. And why the anger Kurt? Did you think Joe and I knew before this?
“I just thought…..”
“You just thought what, Kurt? That Laurie was playing you for a fool and using you to make everybody think she was straight when she knew all along she was gay?”
“Well…..yeah,” he answered.
“Think about it, Kurt. You’ve been around Laurie long enough to know better. Do you think she would do that with the intention of hurting you? Do you think this is something that’s going to be easy for her, a game, just a big lark and a barrel of laughs like it was for Norma? Yeah, I’m sure Norma got a big kick out of all the fun you guys showed her” I told him angrily.
“She told me about what your classmates did to Norma and how everybody tortured her until…..”
I didn’t finish. Kurt suddenly looked very ashamed. “And what was your reaction when Laurie told you Kurt? What did you say to her to make her want to die?” I had to stop. The tears were welling up in my eyes and I didn’t want to cry in front of Kurt. He stood up and walked away from me, trying to hide his guilt.
When he started speaking, he talked in a low voice but he didn’t turn to face me. “She was talking about how we all do things just to get along in school, how we pretend to be things we aren’t just like I was friends with Chuck even though I don’t really like him…and when she said that I said something like at least Chuck wasn’t a faggot and I called Laurie a bitch and a dyke and she ran out.”
He turned around to face me, tears streaming from his eyes. “I’m sorry Mrs. Baker. I didn’t mean it, honestly. I was just hurt and I felt like she had played me…..and I loved her, I love her so much, and it hurt, it really did hurt. I was even thinking of asking her to marry me some day.”
I was silent. In everything that had happened it was easy to forget how much Kurt had cared for Laurie and how much he had adored her. I could no longer blame him. He was just as much of a victim as Laurie was. But the worst part of the whole thing was that none of it had to happen. I stood up, and Kurt quickly wiped away his tears.
“What about school, Kurt. Are you going to……” He didn’t let me finish.
“I told you, Mrs Baker. I love Laurie. So if you’re asking me am I going to tell anybody, the answer is no. She doesn’t need that. If she had died out there in that cemetery, I never would have forgiven myself.”
“Kurt, I know this is difficult for you. It’s going to take a long time for the pain to go away. But if you want to help Laurie then be her friend. That’s what she needs more than anything. She really did want to love you…..it just wasn't in her power to make it happen” He simply nodded and I turned to begin the long trek home.
That evening, Dag decided to spend the night so that she could accompany us to the hospital the next day. Arcadia and Frank had volunteered to come and stay with the children. Joe was as exhausted as was I but I knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep until I told him what I knew. It was late when we finally sat down. I hardly knew where to begin. It didn’t matter as Joe began for me.
“I have a feeling that you found out there was more to the story,” he said.
“Yes, I did.” I told him. “Laurie is deeply troubled right
now. She’s going to need as much support as we can give her.”
“Is it about Kurt?” Joe asked. “Did they do something they are going to regret later?”
“No, Joe. They had planned to but they didn’t go through with it.”
“Well, at least Laurie came to her senses at the last minute. I suppose Kurt got quite angry that she wouldn’t fulfill her promise and that’s why they broke up.” He said.
“No, Joe. That’s not how it happened. There’s something else you should know.” Even though I had told Laurie how understanding Joe would be, I was still finding it difficult to tell him.
“What is it, Bettie? You’re trying awfully hard to tell me something but it’s if you don’t know how to do it. Whatever it is, I can deal with it. There is nothing on this earth that would make me love our daughter any less.”
I took a deep breath. “Joe, there is something else. The reason Laurie couldn’t go all the way with Kurt is because she’s a lesbian.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Bettie! What ever gave you a crazy idea like that? You’re supposed to be the one with two feet planted firmly on the ground.” Joe said almost laughing. It was not the reaction I had hoped for and I certainly hadn’t planned for it.
“Joe, listen to me,” I told him sternly. “Laurie is gay. I’ve thought it was a possibility for a while now. And today she confirmed it.” I said it sternly to him this time.
He looked at me and was no longer smiling. “That can’t be, Bettie. Not, Laurie. Not our daughter. She’s probably just going through a stage or something. You said yourself she hasn’t been the same since Angela left. Maybe she just needs some therapy or something. She’s just mixed up at the moment”
I sighed and shook my head negatively. “She does need counseling, Joe, but she needs it because she’s having trouble dealing with this. Therapy and counseling is not going to change who she is, that much she has come to terms with. She’s afraid of what other people will think and say, and worst off, she’s afraid that you, I, and everybody else will think she’s some kind of freak.”
“I could never think that,” he said quickly. “You know that. I’ve always been for gay rights and people being able to live the way they want to. It’s just that……well I never thought that someone in my family would be that way. It just never occurred to me. It seems different when it’s somebody in your own family”
“In other words Joe, as long as it’s somebody else’s kid, or some stranger than you have no problem with it? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No…I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean that at all. It’s just that I never expected this and now you’ve sort of dumped it in my lap. You can’t expect me just to accept it over night. It’ll take some time getting used to it. I don’t know what to say to her or how to talk to her.”
I frowned, and I was becoming frustrated with him. It was something that had rarely occurred in over seventeen years of marriage.
“What you do, Joe, is that you treat her no differently than you ever have. You treat her like she’s your daughter. You treat her like you love her. This isn’t a disease, Joe. Laurie hasn’t changed. She’s still the same Laurie she has always been. There’s nothing to get used to. Who she loves, who she lives with in her life should make no difference at all in how you feel about her. Don’t disappoint me, Joe, and worse of all don’t disappoint Laurie. She needs you to stand by her now more than ever.”
He grew quiet for a long time, and I could see my words were finally hitting home. “Then it was Angela she was in love with?” he asked me.
“Well she didn’t specifically say so but yes it was, and I believe she still loves her. I think that more than anything may have stopped her from going through with her plan to sleep with Kurt. She was going to sleep with him simply because she felt she had to prove she was normal. Well, she is normal Joe, in every way possible”
“What about Angela? Did she feel the same way? Is she gay also?”
“I honestly don’t know for sure. If I had to guess I’d say that’s what she told Laurie in the letter. But that would be just a guess, and I’m not about to read it. When Laurie is ready, she’ll share her feelings with us. Once she knows she still has our love and our trust. Nothing has changed, Joe. You treat her as normal as you always have.”
He stood up and walked away. He stood facing away from me staring at the book case for an uncomfortably long time. Finally he turned back towards me.
“You’re right, Bettie. Of course you’re right. I don’t know what I could have been thinking. I promise you, I’ll treat her as normal as hell! What should I say to her tomorrow?”
“I wouldn’t even bring it up unless she does,” I told him. “When we go in there tomorrow, just be yourself.”
I got up and walked over to him, putting my hand on his shoulder.
“Thank you, Joe,” I told him.
“For what?” he said turning to face me.
“For being the man I knew that I married.” And I kissed him.
In just a short time to see Laurie without Angela was like Thelma without Louise, Laverne without Shirley, Betty Rubble without Wilma Flintstone, or Lucy Ricardo without Ethel Mertz. And after several shopping trips together, they had even taken to wearing the same outfits.
Was I bothered by it? Not at first I wasn’t. Laurie seemed as happy as she had ever been, and it was extremely gratifying to see her put the distressing visit to her grandparent’s home behind her, to be out enjoying life instead of losing herself entirely in books. But when they began doing things such as finishing each other sentences, I thought I had entered some kind of twilight zone.The day that Angela arrived in tears to tell Laurie of her departure, I was stressed out myself. I knew that in just a few short months the bond between the two of them had grown as deep as the Grand Canyon was wide. What I wasn’t prepared for was the changes in Laurie that began the day Angela left for good, the day that Angela had given her a letter of goodbye.
It had been a year since she had started seeing Kurt
, and I had always thought it was a strange relationship. When Dag had been in her teen years and dating, all she talked about was her current boyfriend of the moment. When she would come home from a date, the guy was all she could talk about. Unlike Laurie, if you asked Dag about the movie she had been to, she would have to stop for a second and rack her brain to even remember whether she had seen a movie or not. By my count, Dag had gone steady at least three or four times before she had graduated.Even before Angela had come into her life, Laurie had little to say about her relationship with Kurt. She would often come in, talk about the movie they had seen, where they had ate, but had little to say about Kurt beyond that he was “okay” and a “nice guy” and she “liked him.” It didn’t seem like much of a relationship considering she had been dating the boy for almost a year. When Laurie told me she was going to break up with Kurt, I wasn’t surprised at all. The shocker came when Kurt returned to town and Laurie told me she had changed her mind about breaking up and that she suddenly found herself madly in love although she hadn’t even seen the boy for the entire summer.
If Laurie hadn’t given us too many glowing reports about Kurt before, when she resumed dating him upon his return from Hawaii she became positively mute on the subject. She would come in then make a cursory stop in the living room, and the conversation would go something like this:“How was your date, Laurie?”
“Fine mom, I’m tired though so I think I’ll go on to bed.” Hell, we didn’t even get the movie review out of her anymore.
Stranger still was the fact that Laurie had taken down the poster of Xena that she had always seemed to cherish so much. But when she replaced the posters with the likes of Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, and Tom Welling I was so dumfounded I couldn’t think of a thing to say to her. And then, even after hanging the posters Laurie still didn’t show any real interest in the new found hunks gracing her wall.I had never heard Timberlake blasting away on her CD player or known her to have watched one
single episode of Smallville. As for Kutcher, she had watched Punk’d a few times, thought it was okay but had the opinion that the celebrities who fell for the pranks were not very bright. She had seen his movies “Just Married” and “My Boss’s Daughter” but was also of the opinion that she’d have gotten more for her money if she had taken a twenty dollar bill and set a match to it. Laurie did have words of praise for “The Butterfly Effect”- kind of. She said it was interesting and different, if not very believable. In Laurie’s world, those were words of high praise, but still wouldn’t have led me to believe that I’d see good old Ashton looking at me from her bedroom wall.
But all of these incidents paled by comparison to what really was troubling me. Since Laurie had received that letter, she had barely mentioned Angela at all. One day she was in mourning, and the very next day it was almost as if Angela had never existed or had simply evaporated like a puff of smoke. One day I finally decided to ask Laurie if she had ever responded to Angela’s letter. Not only did she seem quite annoyed about me even asking, she simply turned around, and opened the fridge with the reply, “working on it. Do we have any juice?” And that was that. There were no phone calls between the two of them, and no letters, and I was almost clueless as to what had gone down.I say almost, because as Mothers will sometimes do, I began to slowly put the tiny pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together piece by piece, and I wasn’t sure I liked the picture that was forming. Over the weeks after Angela had left and all the other strange things had happened, I would lay in bed at night while Joe was gone thinking of all the things that had occurred even when Laurie was at a very young age.
Her relationships with girls had always seemed a bit different. A girl, almost any girl could easily enter into Laurie’s world and be readily accepted. It’s something that you almost have to be around to understand. Yes, Dag had girlfriends, I had girlfriends when I was growing up, but with Laurie it always seemed different as if each and every girl was something special.
It had always seemed to me that Laurie seemed so much different from not only her sister, but different from any of the teenage girls I had ever known. Much of it was in the way she reacted to those around her, especially her girl friends. She always seemed to have some kind of special camaraderie with them, a sort of special sixth sense that enabled her to tune into their thought and feelings better than I ever had when I was a kid. She would often tell me how she thought something was bothering one of her friends but she wouldn’t exactly be able to put her finger on it. A few days later, she would manage to coax the problem out of the friend and sometimes offer help and advice. When there was a particularly precarious predicament, she would sometimes seek my advice. She always seemed to know when one of her friends was falling for someone else, when they were going to break up, and whether they were having trouble with their relationship. I once suggested she should start her own advice column and Laurie got a kick out of that.
Until Kurt, Laurie had never really dated. She had been out a few times, mostly to please Gail. When she had gone out with the Phil Malone guy in an effort to please Gail, I remember that as they left the house, she had looked back at me and rolled her eyes and made a face. And that was before she even knew he was such a jerk. Or maybe he wasn’t a jerk and it was all in Laurie’s head. Maybe she needed an excuse not to go out with him again.
But she never once seemed to be troubled or bothered that she wasn’t dating. Even with Kurt I kept waiting for the sparks to ignite, but in order for that to happen someone had to light the match first. And it wasn’t that Kurt wasn’t trying to. On the occasions when he would arrive early for their date he would sit and talk with either me or Joe and it was always Laurie this and Laurie that almost none stop. There was no doubt what his feelings towards Laurie were.
And there were other things too, little things that kept nagging at me. I remember one evening when she came in after having been out shopping with Gail. Joe was reading in his recliner and I had just begun watching a film called Personal Best. Laurie sat on the sofa and began telling me about her shopping trip and I only half paid attention to what was on the TV screen. But as we talked Laurie’s eyes kept returning to the screen. I was about to change the channel when Laurie stopped me.
“Let’s watch this,” she said. “I’ve never seen it before.” So I laid down the remote. The story was about two female athletes vying to compete in the 1980 Moscow Olympics. Although they were competitors, they quickly became friends, and later they became lovers and the film left very little to the imagination. I was glad at that point that Joe had already turned in for the evening. It’s not that either one of us is a prude, but he would have been very uncomfortable sitting there watching such a thing with Laurie who was sixteen at the time. To be perfectly honest, I was feeling quite a bit uncomfortable myself, but I managed to stick it out to the end.
As for Laurie, I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen her so wrapped up in what was going on in a movie. Maybe The Wizard of Oz when she was five years old had captivated her but nothing else since. But if the movie had enthralled her, the ending practically enraged her.
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen,” she told me throwing her arms up in disgust as the credits rolled. “What a load of crap!”
“Laurie!” I told her. “I thought you were enjoying the movie and watch your language!”
“I did up until that sorry last half hour. Here they are, two lesbians, Chris and Tory that were so much in love and happy together, and all of a sudden this guy comes into the picture and Chris suddenly forgets her love for Tory and goes to bed with some guy? Sorry, mom. I’m not buying that pack of pure bologna. Looked to me like some screen writer either just copped out completely or the studios made him write some half-a……uh….half-baked ending.”
“Well, I wouldn’t know about that, Laurie. Maybe she was really bi-sexual or something.”
Laurie had looked at me with a disgusted look on her face. She wasn’t buying it and I have to admit that I hadn’t either. I quickly gave her a hug and watched as she went upstairs to her room mumbling the entire way.
It was mainly because of this particular incident that the thought that Laurie might be gay had first crossed my mind. It was only a brief thought and although it would reoccur now and then, I would just laugh and chalk it up to the fact that I was imagining things, worrying too much (as I often had a tendency to do), or just being plain silly. But no matter how often I thought about these things, the thoughts always began and ended with Laurie and Angela Jordan.
I knew there had been something in Angela’s letter, something that Laurie was having trouble dealing with. Many times I was tempted to seek the letter out, but it was a temptation I never gave into. It would have been different if Laurie had done things to make me suspect she was doing something illegal, perhaps doing drugs, but of course there was nothing of the sort. Dag had sneaked out of the house for a date late once or twice, but Laurie had not even done that as far as I knew. There was no reason at all not to trust her, and to invade her privacy and read Angela’s letter to placate my worries, would have been to violate the bond of trust we had built up between us over the years.
One Friday night when Laurie was out with Kurt and was planning on spending the night with Gail, Joe had finally managed to snag a weekend at home. I decided to try and unburden myself by discussing thins with him, but I waited until the other kids were asleep and we were alone in bed.
“I think something’s bothering Laurie,” I told him.
He thought about it for a second. “I have to admit that she has seemed kind of distant since her friend Angela left. She’s probably still trying to deal with that. She’ll be okay.”
“No, I don’t think that’s it,” I told him. “I expected her to be depressed for a while, but it hasn’t been like that at all. Did you know that before Angela left she said she was going to break up with Kurt because he was getting too serious and she didn’t think she would ever feel that way about him?”I had finally piqued Joe’s interest. “Obviously that hasn’t happened. Why do you think she changed her mind?”
“I don’t know. She told me that she decided she cared for him a lot more than she thought she did.”
“Well, that could be true,” he answered.
“I suppose so. But she had made this decision before he even returned from Hawaii. So what could have happened to change her mind? If Kurt had been back and they had dated a while longer and Laurie had come to this decision I might be able to understand it. It almost seems as if she thinks she’s being required to fall in love with him.”
“Well, she never showed much of an interest in dating before Kurt came along. Maybe she’s just trying harder to fit in. Believe me if anybody knows how hard is it getting through school when you’re different, I do. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, honey.”
“I guess you’re right. But don’t you think it’s kind of strange that she hasn’t even mentioned Angela since she left?”
“Hmmm….come to think of it she hasn’t. Maybe she’s just trying to block the whole thing out of her mind.”
“But Joe, other than the letter Angela gave her when she was leaving, they haven’t written to each other, nor called each other on the phone. I would have thought Angela would have sent her phone number by now or something. There’s something more to all of this. I can feel it, Joe”
“Are you becoming a Jedi Knight now?” Joe asked, grinning. “The next thing you know you’ll be telling me to use the force.”
“Well, you can use the force on me any time,” I told him and gave him a quick kiss.
Joe reached over to turn out the light at about the same time there was the sound of thunder booming off in the distance. “It looks like we’re going to get a storm. I hope it doesn’t wake up the kids.”
“I’ll go check on them if it gets too bad,” I told him. He gave me another quick kiss and in moments was asleep. As for myself, I lay awake listening as the thunder drew closer and flashes of lightning began lighting up the room. My talk with Joe had accomplished nothing. I was right back where I had started. It would be a while before I would sleep.
As the storm increased in intensity I made the rounds to each bedroom but all the kids including Keith were sleeping soundly. When I returned to bed I still couldn’t sleep. I lay there awake listening to the rain pounding on the roof above me. By morning, the storm had dissipated and the sun had managed to find its way through the clouds and I felt like crap from lack of sleep.With the sound of Keith crying interrupting my thoughts, I knew it wouldn’t be long before everybody else would be up and about demanding breakfast. I quickly fed and changed Keith, returned him to his crib, took a quick shower and began to make breakfast.
In short order the kids found their way downstairs and I could hear Joe getting into the shower also. I sent the kids in to watch TV as I finished breakfast, and it wasn’t long before Joe joined me to offer a helping hand.“Here, finish these omelets.” I told him. “I’m going to call over to Gail’s and make sure Laurie’s okay. The storm we had last night was just awful. It didn’t seem to bother you or the kids any.”
“Nope, I slept like a log,” he said. “I’m sure she’s okay. The storm didn’t start until late.”
“Just the same, I’ll feel better hearing her voice.” He shrugged and took over the cooking duties at the stove.
I went to the phone and quickly dialed Gail’s phone number. Marcella answered the phone.
“Hi Marcella!” I told her, “This is Bettie; I didn’t wake you up did I.”
“No, of course not,” she answered. “Who could sleep with that storm last night?”
“Well, Joe and the kids slept through it just fine. I just wanted to make sure Laurie and Gail didn’t stay out too late and get caught up in it. Is Laurie awake?”There was silence on the other end. “Bettie, Gail’s home and she is awake. She’s right here as a matter of fact. But Laurie isn’t here.”
“Oh? She’s already on her way home?” I asked.
“No Bettie. Laurie hasn’t been here. She didn’t stay here last night.”
I don’t know what I felt at the moment that Marcella said those words. I should have been instantly angry, but instead a sense of dread suddenly came over me. It wasn’t just that it was so unlike Laurie to tell such a lie, but with the storm, I now had no clue as to where she could be.
“Can I talk to Gail, Marcella?” I asked. My heart was pounding.
“Sure, Bettie.” I waited until Gail was on the phone.
“Gail, do you have any idea where Laurie might be? She said she would be with you and Chuck last night.”“Uh….” Gail was hesitant. I knew her first instinct would be to try and cover for Laurie.
“Gail, this is no time to cover for her. I need to know if she’s okay and that she didn’t get caught out in the storm. Was she with you last night or not?”
Gail took a deep breath. “Well, Kurt and Laurie were with us for a while and then they left. Honest Mrs. Baker, they didn’t tell us where they were going or what they were going to do.”
“Do you know where they might have gone Gail?” I asked. Joe must have seen the concern on my face for he had quickly taken the food off the stove and came over to me.
“Sometimes they would go to the park,” she answered. “They might have gone to his house. Sometimes they’ll go over there after a movie or something. Honestly Mrs. Baker, if Laurie was planning on doing something she didn’t confide in me about it.”
I believed her. The worrisome sound in Gail’s own voice told me that. She knew as well as I did that this was not something Laurie would normally have done. “Okay, Gail, I believe you. I’ll try calling Kurt’s house. Thanks, Gail.”“Uh…Mrs. Baker,” she said. “Please let me know if she’s okay. Will you?”
“Yes, Gail. I will. I promise.” I hung up the phone, and furiously dialed Laurie’s cell phone number and received only the recording for her voice mail. I left a message for her to call me right away and then hung up.
Joe immediately began asking questions. “What is it, Bettie? What’s wrong?”
“She didn’t stay at Gail’s house last night. Gail doesn’t know where she is. She’s not answering her cell phone. I’m worried, Joe.”
“Do you have Kurt’s number? Call over there.”I quickly dialed the number. It rang about seven or eight times and I had just about decided that there would be no answer when a groggy sounding Kurt finally responded.
“Kurt, is Laurie there?,” I was trying my best to hide both the desperation and anger in my voice but I knew I wasn’t succeeding. “If she is let me speak to her. NOW!”
“Huh?” He responded. “Is this you Mrs. Baker?”
“Yes it is Kurt, now can I speak to Laurie?”
“Uh….Mrs. Baker, Laurie isn’t here.” He replied.
“Don’t try to cover for her Kurt. Is your mother or father there?”
“No, Mrs. Baker. They’re away for the weekend. But Laurie isn’t here Mrs. Baker. She left last night. I thought she was going home. We…….kind of had a fight and she ran off. With the storm coming I thought she would go home.”
“And you didn’t think to walk her home, Kurt?” I asked accusingly.
Suddenly his voice changed. He at first seemed as if I had no right to be calling him. Now fear had crept into his voice in a small way while at the same time He became defensive.
“I told you we had a fight. She ran off and I hollered for her to wait but she just kept running. I honestly thought she would be going straight home” A chill ran up my spine. Whereas before I was concerned and worried, a sense of deep growing fear had now overtaken me.
“What was the fight about, Kurt?” I asked. He didn’t answer right away.
“We broke up, Mrs. Baker,” he said bluntly. “If I knew where Laurie had gone, I’d tell you. If I had known she wasn’t going home, I’d have ran after her”
“I don’t need excuses Kurt. It shouldn’t have mattered. What time did she leave your house?” I had the feeling that there was a lot more to this story that Kurt wasn’t telling me. Now was not the time to be keeping secrets.
He paused for a long time as if he didn’t want to answer. “It was after midnight,” he answered. This time, the way he had answered told me he knew that he had made a mistake. I didn’t care. I was angry.
“Kurt, I’m not going to even ask you what Laurie was doing at your house that late with your
parents gone. I can settle that with Laurie later. But to let her walk home at that time is inexcusable. I don’t give a damn what you were fighting about.”He didn’t answer me and I knew he was searching for something to say.
“Did you call Gail,” was all he could come up with.
“Yes, Kurt, I called her. Kurt, if you have any idea where she might have gone please tell me.”
“Honestly Mrs. Baker. I just don’t know. I’ll go out and help look for her. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to her.”“Okay, Kurt. I’ll be out looking for her too so I’ll give you my cell phone number in case you find her.” For the first time, the only thing I read in his voice was deep concern. But I just wasn’t buying this break-up story at all. There had to be more to it than that. We quickly exchanged numbers and I hung up.
“What about Dag? Maybe she went over there.” Joe asked I tried dialing Dag’s phone, but by then my hands were shaking badly.“Calm down, hon,” Joe said taking my hand in his. “She’ll be fine. We’ll find her.” His words had a somewhat soothing affect on me and I was able to dial Dag’s number.
Dag answered, but my heart sank again when she quickly told us she hadn’t seen Laurie. I quickly filled her in on the details that I knew.
“Dag, get over here as fast as you can,” I told her. “We’ll need you to stay with the kids while we go look for her.”
“I’ll be right there, Mom.” She replied.
Joe took the phone from my hand and began dialing.
“I’d like to file a missing persons report,” he said. And I knew he had dialed the police.
“Since last night,” I heard him say. “Twenty-four hours,” I heard him yell into the phone. “You mean my underage teenage daughter has to be gone twenty-four hours before you’ll do anything about it?”
“Well, my daughter wouldn’t just run off. Something has happened to her. My name is Joe Baker, and perhaps you’ve heard of my book, The Kid & Me?.........Oh, you’ve heard of it. Good. Well I suggest you send a police officer out here or the next time I go on national television, like maybe The Oprah Winfrey Show, I’d hate to have to start spouting off about the ineptitude of the Devonshire Police Department. That would be very bad for public relations…….you’ll send an officer out?......Thank you.” Sometimes you had to grab the bull by the horns.
I quickly served the kids breakfast, and by the time I finished there was a police officer at the door. Joe went out to greet the policewoman who took a report and description of Laurie but seemed totally disinterested in what she was doing. In other words she was no help at all.Dag arrived soon afterwards. I gave her Kurt and Gail’s phone number and told her to call them and have them call their friends to see if they could come up with anything. Then Joe and I left, not sure where we were going or even where to begin.
We decided to split up and search the numerous parks and malls scattered aimlessly about the city. I would start by searching the closest parks on foot while Joe would drive further away to begin his search. We would meet up again at the arcade at a designated time.I took my time walking through two parks, making sure I left no area uncovered. I even called out her name, which I'm sure had people believing I was looking for someone much younger than Laurie.
I even stopped a few people to ask if they’d seen
her and giving them a description. The response was negative. And with each footstep, my fear increased tenfold. And I thought of Joe and what he must be thinking. It had been years since I had seen him look as worried as he did. All my walking, searching and questions were to no avail, and I had no choice but to head to the arcade.Joe was not there yet, so I went into the arcade to ask some of the patrons if they had seen her. One girl, a blond girl with pony tails said she had seen her the night before with Kurt but hadn't seen her since. I went next door to The Beanery, and the response there was the same. When I went back outside Joe had just pulled up and gotten out of the car.
“Did you have any luck at all,” he asked.
“No, none. I don’t know what else to do.” I was on the verge of tears, but I fought them off. Now was not the time to let my emotions get the best of me. I was beginning to feel helpless and lost. It was also about this time that we saw Kurt coming down the sidewalk.
“Kurt!” I hollered and motioned for him to come over. When he reached us, his concern was written all over his face along with something
else. It was a look of guilt.“Have you found anything out at all, Kurt,” I asked quickly.
He shook his head. “I’ve called all of our friends and went to some of their houses. Nobody’s seen or heard from her. I went to the mall and walked around there, but no luck there either. I don’t know where else to look. Honestly, Mrs. Baker, if I had known she wasn’t going home…….”
I didn’t let him finish. “They will be time for that later, Kurt. All I want to do is find my daughter.”
"Can you think of anywhere else she might have gone," Joe asked. "Maybe some place you two went to together."
He thought for a minute. “No, Mr. Baker. I’ve racked my brain but I can’t think of……wait a minute. There was one place we’ve been to a few times. I took her to the cemetery so she could visit the grave of her sister. She says it helps her think. But I don’t think she would go there with a storm coming and that late at night.”
“You’re probably right, Kurt.” Joe answered. “But at this point I’m willing to give anything a try. Bettie and I will go out there and check it out. You’ll keep looking, won’t you and give us a call if you hear anything?”
“Sure, Mr. Baker. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to her.” We turned to leave and had taken a few steps away.
“Mr. Baker! Mrs. Baker!” He called to us. We turned around.
“I’m really sorry about what happened. I….just want you to know that.”
I looked at Kurt. Suddenly, I felt a huge rush of sympathy for him. If anybody was blaming themselves for Laurie’s disappearance he was, but once again I couldn’t help think he was feeling guilty about something other than not having walked her home.
I walked over to him, and gave him an encouraging hug having decided it was better to have him as an ally rather than an opponent. “I know, Kurt. I know that. I’ve always known you cared about Laurie a great deal.”Joe and I left and headed for the cemetery, not really expecting to have any luck. When we arrived there was nobody around except an old caretaker who looked like he had been around for ages. Nevertheless we walked over to Emily’s gravesite. The caretaker must have seen us because he walked over to where we stood.
“Kin I ‘elp you folks?” he asked.
“We were just looking for someone.” I answered.
“They got a thing in that building there, tell ya where ya kin find anybody” he said pointing in the direction of it.
“No, our daughter is alive. This is her sister buried here and we thought she might have come out to the cemetery to visit.”
“This is her sister?” he asked. I nodded affirmatively. “Well darn if that ain’t the strangest thing. When I got here this morning thare were a young gal right here. Looked like she’d been lyin' out here all night in the storm. She was shore in a bad way.”
When he said that my heart leapt out of my chest. “Did she have long brown hair, blue eyes and was she wearing a red dress?”“Why…yeah. She was come to think of it. Purty little gal. Kind of sad really.”
“Where did she go? Did she tell you where she was going?” Joe asked hurriedly.
“Well, she weren’t in much shape ta be goin’ anywhere. Couldn’t even pick herself up off the ground. I had to call an ambulance to come and git her. Couldn’t of been but a hour or so since they took her away.”
It was all I could do to keep fighting the tears away. “Where did they take her?! What hospital!?”“Well……lemme see if I kin ‘member. Uh…..it weren’t St. Lizabeth’s…..hmmm…”
Joe interrupted. “Please you have to remember! Try to remember!”
“Workin’ on it,” He answered in his slow drawl. “hmmm…Yeah…that’s it….’twas Genneral…..Devonsure Gennaral….I’m positive that was it ‘cuz she didn’t have no i.d. or nothin’. Couldn’t even hardly ‘member her name. Come to think of it, I think she said somethin’ about it being Laurel, or…nah…Lorraine....no that's not it either.....I think it was Laurie. Yah, that’s it!”
I grabbed the old codger and planted a big wet kiss on his cheek. He was grinning from ear to ear. Joe grabbed my hand. "Let's go," He said as we began running towards the street where he had parked the car.
"Thank you, Mister," I hollered back at him."Nahhhh.....," he hollered back still rubbing his cheek. "Thank you Miss! Glad to 'elp ya!"
The drive to Devonshire General took only a few minutes but it seemed like an eternity. We quickly found a parking place in the visitors parking lot, litterally ran through the front entrance and up to the information desk.
For all of our running it did us little good. The woman at the front desk was on the phone. She raised a hand as if to say, "I'll be with you in a minute." After what seemed like an eternity she finally hung up the phone and sat down."How can I help you?" she asked.
“We were told our daughter might have been brought in here,” Joe told the woman at the desk. “Her name’s Laurie Baker.”
The woman looked at him. “Do you know who brought her in and when?” she asked.
“About an hour or so ago. She was brought in by ambulance from Westwood Cemetery.”
“Oh! Yes, the cemetery girl. We’ve been trying to find you. Yes, she’s in the emergency room right now. I’ll call over there and tell them you’re here. Just stop at the nurse’s station when you get over there.”
We quickly walked down the hall to the rear of the hospital where the emergency room was. At the nurse’s station, we told a nurse who we were and that they had just sent
us from the front desk.“We’ve been trying to find a way to reach you. All we could get out of your daughter was her name. She’s in with the doctor right now. So as soon as he’s finished you can go in to see her. Just have a seat in the waiting room.”
I looked at her name tag. “Justine….is it okay if I call you that….How is she? Can you tell us anything? Please, anything at all?”
“Well…..she’s a very sick girl at the moment. The doctor won’t be too long. I’m sure he’ll be right out.” We went to the waiting room. Neither Joe nor I sat down.
“What is wrong with that girl? Lying out in the cemetery all night during a storm! And all over some boy! What’s gotten into her?”
Joe sounded angry but I knew he really wasn’t. He was as worried as I was.
“I think there’s more to it than that, Joe. There has to be.”
“Is it…..could it be she couldn’t deal with what I told her about Susan and myself after all?”
“No, Joe!” I quickly answered. The last thing I needed was for him to start blaming himself. “I’m sure that’s not it at all!” But I was beginning to believe that I did know. And this time I didn’t brush the thoughts out of my head. Things had become way too serious to not at least consider all of the possibilities.
At that moment a younger looking man came into the room.
“Are you Laurie’s parents?” he asked.
“Yes, we are,” Joe quickly answered. “How’s Laurie, Doctor?”
“Physically she should be okay. She has what we call walking pneumonia.”
“Is it from being out in the storm all night?” I asked.
“Well, yes and no. The Mycoplasma Bacteria that inhabits the body can do so for a long time and never become active. However, being exposed to inclement weather for an extended period of time, along with stress, can cause it to become active. I think that’s what’s happened in Laurie’s case. I’ve started her on an antibiotic and we’ll keep her here for a day or two to get her fever down and make sure everything’s okay. After that she’ll have to rebuild her strength
gradually.”“How long will that take, doctor?” I asked.
“Just ease her back into things. It’ll probably take about two weeks for that. Then she can return to school. To be completely physically cured, as long as everything goes okay, it’ll take four to six weeks.”
“Doctor, when you said physically she was okay, what did you mean? Is there something else we should know?” Joe asked. Joe had picked up on the fact that the doctor had emphasized the word physically twice.
“Your daughter’s mental state right now is pre
carious, Mr. Baker. Obviously something is deeply troubling her. I have no clue as to what that might be, but perhaps you might know. She’s going to need a lot of understanding, counseling, and possibly therapy for whatever it is. When the ambulance arrived to get her, they practically had to force her in as she refused to be moved. I’ll give you the name of some counselors you might want to get in touch with that she can see as soon as she’s able. You can go see her now although you shouldn’t expect too much out of her. I gave her something to help her rest, so if she’s not asleep she’ll be very drowsy. She’s in holding room 112 until we can get her a room. And one of you will have to stop in the office to fill out some paper work. We’ll also need the name of your family doctor so he can come in and take over.”“Okay, I’ll go fill out the paper work,” Joe said. “And thanks doctor, thanks for everything.” Joe shook his hand and the doctor left.
“I’ll go on down the hall,” I told Joe softly.
He simply nodded. “Good god, Bettie. I had no idea Laurie was having problems. I guess that’s what you were trying to tell me last night. I….I….shouldn’t have been away so much. And I won’t, not anymore. What the hell could it be that’s bothering her?”I put my hand on his shoulder. “Joe, don’t blame your self. I’ve been home and I feel just as helpless as you do. We’ll find out what it is and we’ll get her help.”
He didn’t say anything as he left to fill out the papers. I walked down the hall to Holding Room 112, and quietly walked in.
Laurie lay in the bed, her eyes closed. She looked terrible. Her eyes were swollen and beet red. She was as pale as if she'd been spinning in a washing cycle filled with bleach. Joe and I had nursed all of our kids through various illnesses, but nothing had prepared me for this.
The tears I had been holding back all day began to fall.“Mom, I’m sorry. Please, don’t cry,” Laurie said hoarsely, almost in a whisper. I looked at her. She had opened her eyes but as quickly as she had stirred, she had just as quickly fallen back asleep. I had never felt so completely helpless in all my life.
When Joe entered the room, he told me he had called Dag, who was going to call Frank, Arcadia, Gail and Kurt to let them know she had been found. And then Joe held me, and as he did his own tears dampened my shoulder, tears that he quickly brushed away. Afterwards, We both sat down to begin our long vigil.
Eventually they wheeled her and her bed to a room. She didn’t stir hardly at all even when they lifted her into her regular bed. Two hours later the nurse came in to take her vitals Laurie finally awoke, but was only slightly coherent.
“Where am I?” she asked.
“You’re in Devonshire General Hospital,” the nurse answered. “You’re parents are right here.”
Laurie coughed and coughed loudly as she looked over at us. “Oh…..yeah….I remember now. Some old guy trying to help me up and then there was an ambulance, and a doctor in the emergency room. I guess I was kind of out of it.”
It was Joe who spoke to her first. “Laurie, we were out of our minds with worry. What’s come over you anyway?” I quickly grabbed his shoulder and shook my head. Now was not the time.
“I’m sorry dad. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
“Well, your fever is finally starting to go down. That’s a good sign.” The nurse said after replacing Laurie’s chart. "You need to get more rest though."
“Laurie, what’s troubling you?” I asked. “This wasn’t just because Kurt broke up with you was it?”
She looked at me and her head hung down. “No, mom. It’s just……please I don’t really want to talk about it. At least not right now. And don’t blame Kurt. He didn’t break up with me. I broke up with him.”
“Laurie, there will be plenty of guys in your life. You can’t go off the deep end like this over one guy, especially when he’s the first one you’ve ever dated,” Joe said.
“I told you Dad, it wasn’t about Kurt! I did more to hurt him than he could ever have done to me and I don’t want to talk about it!”
Joe looked hurt. I knew he was trying to help, but I also knew he was barking up the wrong tree.
“Laurie, your father is just worried about you. We both are. How can we help if we don’t know what’s troubling you?”
“I know, mom. I know you’re trying to help.” She coughed again. “It was just a little bit of everything, trying to do too much at school, then having to break up with Kurt and hurting him. I went to the cemetery because I thought it would help me clear my thoughts like it did the last time”
Laurie was trying hard to sound convincing but I didn’t believe a word of what she was saying just as I believed that Kurt hadn’t told me everything..
Joe asked. “Laurie, you could have died out there. It’s bad enough that you have pneumonia now, but you could have been struck by lightning out there in the open during a storm.”
“You’re right, dad. It was a stupid thing to do, and I’m sorry. I promise. I’ll talk about it more when I’m feeling better. Why don’t you take mom home and both of you get some rest now. You can come back in the morning. I’ll be okay now.”
A chill ran down my spine. It was the way she had said it. It was almost monotonic, emotionless, and had been said only to ease Joe’s mind. It was as if she wished she hadn’t been found at all and was still lying back at the cemetery.
Joe sighed. “Okay Laurie.” He walked over and kissed her. “Laurie, whatever is wrong, I hope you know that you can always count on your mother and I being here for you.” We’ll see you first thing in the morning.” He left to go warm up the car and to bring it around to pick me up.“Your father’s right dear. Whatever is wrong we’re not going to judge you. The only thing we care about is that you’re okay. Your father and I love you very much, and I don’t know what we would have done if we had lost you.”
“I know, mom. I know it was a stupid thing to do. I love you and dad too. I’m sorry I did this to you.” She did sound sincere this time, but she was only sorry for the pain she had caused us, not for what she had done.
I gave her a quick hug and kiss and started to leave the room. “Get plenty of rest, Laurie. We’ll be back first thing in the morning. Can we bring you anything?”
“Just some pajamas that are halfway decent, toothpaste, and that kind of stuff.” She coughed again.
“Okay, pajamas it is.” I was beating around the bush, delaying the exit. I kept telling myself that I could talk to her tomorrow, or maybe the next day even about what I was thinking. But the tone in her voice had told me that tomorrow or the next day could be too late. Still I hesitated.
I walked quietly toward the door. I placed my hand on the doorknob but it froze there. My hand was sweaty, but I took a deep breath to calm myself. It was then that I asked the question, the one that had been nagging at me for far too long. I didn’t know for sure if it was the right time to do it, but I did know that if I didn’t, Laurie may never be able to tell us, or to find the courage in herself to face it. Not to mention that I was scared, scared of what she might do.
“Laurie, did all this happen because you think you’re a lesbian?” I asked softly. I was almost afraid to turn around and face her once the question had escaped from my mouth. But I had said it so she would be sure to hear me. I almost hoped that she would start laughing and telling me how ridiculous I was. But she did not.
“What did you say, mother?” she asked. I was sure she had heard the question, but probably couldn’t believe I had asked it. Her use of the word mother told me that.
I took another deep breath and this time turned to face her. “Did all of this happen because you think you are gay?” I asked again. And after I had said it she threw her blanket off, jumped out of the bed and nearly fell to the ground in the process.
"“MOM! YOU READ ANGELA'S LETTER! HOW COULD YOU?!" Tears began streaming down her cheeks.
After she had screamed it she had to grab the bed for support. I rushed over and pulled her towards me.
“No Laurie, I didn’t read Angela’s letter. You know I would never do that.”
“Then how…..how….did you know?”
“It was a lot of things Laurie. I watched the way you and Angela were together. What the two of you had went well beyond just friendship. And then there was the way you fell apart when she was leaving. After she gave you that letter though, you changed completely. You would hardly talk to me or your father, you changed the posters in your room, you were going to break up with Kurt and then you weren’t. And all this time you were going with Kurt, you never talked about him the way any other girl in love would have. It’s a hundred things and a thousand things Laurie, some big and some little. Was I sure? No, I just suspected it as only a possibility” I had spoken the words softly, in an effort to soothe her. I don’t know if it had any effect.
“Oh god, mom! I’m so ashamed! You must think I’m a pervert or something!”“Laurie! There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. Of course you’re not a pervert. This isn’t a sickness or a disease. It’s who you are, and to think I or your father would love you any less because of this is wrong!”
“But the kids at school, they’ll know. They’ll hate me, they’ll….. Remember that girl in Junior high I told you about? That girl Norma….”
“Norma? The girl who committed suicide? Yes. I remember. Laurie.” How could I forget? The girl’s death had upset everybody in the community and for some reason, Laurie had an especially difficult time dealing with it. She had become physically ill the day Gail had popped in to tell her what had happened. Laurie had run to the bathroom and begun vomiting vehemently. As far as I knew, nobody had ever found any reason for the girl to have taken her own life.
“She was gay, mom,” Laurie tried telling me through her coughs and her tears. She was almost incoherent. “Well, maybe she wasn’t gay….I don’t know… but she kissed another girl and everybody kept making fun of her and teasing her until she couldn’t handle it anymore….and I didn’t do anything…..and and and…..” She could speak no more. Here tears and coughing had taken control.
What did I feel at that moment? It’s hard to say. I was stunned. I hadn’t thought of Norma in years. I thought Laurie’s reaction to her death had been only because she had known the girl and went to school with her. It was the first time she had experienced the death of someone she had known and the fact that it was suicide had only made it worse. Now there was another frightful element added to it. A chill went up my spine. I felt anger, not at Laurie but suddenly anger at all the cruelty and inhumanity in the world. And then my instincts kicked in, and all I wanted was to protect Laurie.
“Laurie, you can’t blame yourself over what happened to Norma. I know it won’t be easy but we’ll get through this. There’s still a lot of prejudice and cruelty in the world. But your father and I will always be here for you, and Dag and your brothers and sisters are here for you also. And we’ll get you some counseling.”
“You mean…like a psychiatrist?” She answered lifting her head up off of my wet shoulder. “Do you think I’m crazy?”
“No Laurie, of course you’re not crazy. But obviously you’ve faced up to the fact that you’re a lesbian. Your father and I can give you all the support you need, but you will have to find a way to deal with it and come to terms with it but most of all to understand it. That we can’t do for you. Somewhere in your mind you are thinking that it’s wrong, or that maybe you can be cured. That’s why you dated Kurt all this time.”“You won’t tell dad will you?” she asked me. “I couldn’t stand the thought of him looking at me and thinking his daughter was some kind of freak!”
“Laurie, for the millionth time Joe would never think that. Your father is the most understanding person in the world that I know of. With his life, and the things him and Susan went through, nobody on this planet would be more understanding then him.”“I guess it doesn’t matter. By Monday, the whole school will know anyway. Kurt will see to that.”
I raised an eyebrow, and now all the pieces of the puzzle as to what had happened the night before had suddenly fallen into place.
“So you did tell Kurt. Don’t underestimate, Kurt, Laurie. He’s hurting right now. He was very much in love with you and this had to come as quite a shock. I think Kurt will do the right thing; you just have to give him time to come to terms with it. Right now, I want you to rest and try and get well so that you can come home. Your father and I will be back first thing in the morning, and we’ll talk some more.”
She simply nodded. I hugged her again. “We love you Laurie, don’t ever forget that.” Again she nodded. I helped her get back into bed and pulled the blankets back up. “Your father and I will be back first thing in the morning. Try and get some rest, Laurie” She simply nodded as I kissed her on her forehead.I knew that as soon as I walked out of the room she would begin to cry again. As for myself, I wanted to but I didn’t. I had always heard that a parent often felt the pain and suffering of their children. I was never more aware of that than I was now.
Joe of course, had the car warmed up and quizzed me on what had taken so long. I made the excuse that I had just wanted to make sure everything was okay before we left.
“But I need for you to stop by Kurt’s home,” I told him. Joe looked at me as if he were surprised but he didn’t question me as to why. I dialed Kurt’s number on my cell phone and told him we were on our way over and that I wanted to talk to him. He seemed hesitant but told me it would be okay.
“What is this all about, Bettie,” Joe asked.
“It’s complicated, Joe. Just drop me off at Kurt’s then you can go on home. I’ll tell you all about it after the kids are asleep.” He didn’t question me any further but did as I asked.
Kurt was standing inside the front door waiting for me. He opened it without saying a word. We went into the living room and I sat on the couch while he sat across from me on the love seat.
“Now Kurt, do you want to tell me the whole story about what happened last night?” I asked him.
He looked down at the floor. “I told you, Mrs. Baker. We broke up and Laurie got upset. It’s as simple as that.”
“Look at me, Kurt. Don’t feed me that line of horse manure. I wasn’t born yesterday. What were you and Laurie doing in the house together alone after midnight with your parents gone?”
He looked down at the floor again and began tracing around the carpet with his foot. I was getting impatient. “I think Laurie should tell you, Mrs. Baker. It’s not my place to.”
“Laurie’s told me enough, Kurt. Now I want to hear it from you. You can either talk to me now, or we can have this talk when your parents return home. You can start with the fact that the two of you were planning on having sex together.”
He looked up from the floor floor and took a deep breath. “Yes, Mrs. Baker. We…um….had decided to do that. But…um…..once we got started Laurie couldn’t go through with it so I got mad and we broke up. That’s it. Really Mrs. Baker, this is….”
I didn’t let him finish. “Was the reason she couldn’t go through with it is because she told you she was gay?”
“You knew?” he asked angrily.
“As of about an hour ago. And why the anger Kurt? Did you think Joe and I knew before this?
“I just thought…..”
“You just thought what, Kurt? That Laurie was playing you for a fool and using you to make everybody think she was straight when she knew all along she was gay?”
“Well…..yeah,” he answered.
“Think about it, Kurt. You’ve been around Laurie long enough to know better. Do you think she would do that with the intention of hurting you? Do you think this is something that’s going to be easy for her, a game, just a big lark and a barrel of laughs like it was for Norma? Yeah, I’m sure Norma got a big kick out of all the fun you guys showed her” I told him angrily.
“She told me about what your classmates did to Norma and how everybody tortured her until…..”
I didn’t finish. Kurt suddenly looked very ashamed. “And what was your reaction when Laurie told you Kurt? What did you say to her to make her want to die?” I had to stop. The tears were welling up in my eyes and I didn’t want to cry in front of Kurt. He stood up and walked away from me, trying to hide his guilt.
When he started speaking, he talked in a low voice but he didn’t turn to face me. “She was talking about how we all do things just to get along in school, how we pretend to be things we aren’t just like I was friends with Chuck even though I don’t really like him…and when she said that I said something like at least Chuck wasn’t a faggot and I called Laurie a bitch and a dyke and she ran out.”
He turned around to face me, tears streaming from his eyes. “I’m sorry Mrs. Baker. I didn’t mean it, honestly. I was just hurt and I felt like she had played me…..and I loved her, I love her so much, and it hurt, it really did hurt. I was even thinking of asking her to marry me some day.”
I was silent. In everything that had happened it was easy to forget how much Kurt had cared for Laurie and how much he had adored her. I could no longer blame him. He was just as much of a victim as Laurie was. But the worst part of the whole thing was that none of it had to happen. I stood up, and Kurt quickly wiped away his tears.
“What about school, Kurt. Are you going to……” He didn’t let me finish.
“I told you, Mrs Baker. I love Laurie. So if you’re asking me am I going to tell anybody, the answer is no. She doesn’t need that. If she had died out there in that cemetery, I never would have forgiven myself.”
“Kurt, I know this is difficult for you. It’s going to take a long time for the pain to go away. But if you want to help Laurie then be her friend. That’s what she needs more than anything. She really did want to love you…..it just wasn't in her power to make it happen” He simply nodded and I turned to begin the long trek home.
That evening, Dag decided to spend the night so that she could accompany us to the hospital the next day. Arcadia and Frank had volunteered to come and stay with the children. Joe was as exhausted as was I but I knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep until I told him what I knew. It was late when we finally sat down. I hardly knew where to begin. It didn’t matter as Joe began for me.“I have a feeling that you found out there was more to the story,” he said.
“Yes, I did.” I told him. “Laurie is deeply troubled right
now. She’s going to need as much support as we can give her.”“Is it about Kurt?” Joe asked. “Did they do something they are going to regret later?”
“No, Joe. They had planned to but they didn’t go through with it.”
“Well, at least Laurie came to her senses at the last minute. I suppose Kurt got quite angry that she wouldn’t fulfill her promise and that’s why they broke up.” He said.
“No, Joe. That’s not how it happened. There’s something else you should know.” Even though I had told Laurie how understanding Joe would be, I was still finding it difficult to tell him.
“What is it, Bettie? You’re trying awfully hard to tell me something but it’s if you don’t know how to do it. Whatever it is, I can deal with it. There is nothing on this earth that would make me love our daughter any less.”
I took a deep breath. “Joe, there is something else. The reason Laurie couldn’t go all the way with Kurt is because she’s a lesbian.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Bettie! What ever gave you a crazy idea like that? You’re supposed to be the one with two feet planted firmly on the ground.” Joe said almost laughing. It was not the reaction I had hoped for and I certainly hadn’t planned for it.
“Joe, listen to me,” I told him sternly. “Laurie is gay. I’ve thought it was a possibility for a while now. And today she confirmed it.” I said it sternly to him this time.
He looked at me and was no longer smiling. “That can’t be, Bettie. Not, Laurie. Not our daughter. She’s probably just going through a stage or something. You said yourself she hasn’t been the same since Angela left. Maybe she just needs some therapy or something. She’s just mixed up at the moment”
I sighed and shook my head negatively. “She does need counseling, Joe, but she needs it because she’s having trouble dealing with this. Therapy and counseling is not going to change who she is, that much she has come to terms with. She’s afraid of what other people will think and say, and worst off, she’s afraid that you, I, and everybody else will think she’s some kind of freak.”
“I could never think that,” he said quickly. “You know that. I’ve always been for gay rights and people being able to live the way they want to. It’s just that……well I never thought that someone in my family would be that way. It just never occurred to me. It seems different when it’s somebody in your own family”“In other words Joe, as long as it’s somebody else’s kid, or some stranger than you have no problem with it? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No…I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean that at all. It’s just that I never expected this and now you’ve sort of dumped it in my lap. You can’t expect me just to accept it over night. It’ll take some time getting used to it. I don’t know what to say to her or how to talk to her.”
I frowned, and I was becoming frustrated with him. It was something that had rarely occurred in over seventeen years of marriage.
“What you do, Joe, is that you treat her no differently than you ever have. You treat her like she’s your daughter. You treat her like you love her. This isn’t a disease, Joe. Laurie hasn’t changed. She’s still the same Laurie she has always been. There’s nothing to get used to. Who she loves, who she lives with in her life should make no difference at all in how you feel about her. Don’t disappoint me, Joe, and worse of all don’t disappoint Laurie. She needs you to stand by her now more than ever.”He grew quiet for a long time, and I could see my words were finally hitting home. “Then it was Angela she was in love with?” he asked me.
“Well she didn’t specifically say so but yes it was, and I believe she still loves her. I think that more than anything may have stopped her from going through with her plan to sleep with Kurt. She was going to sleep with him simply because she felt she had to prove she was normal. Well, she is normal Joe, in every way possible”“What about Angela? Did she feel the same way? Is she gay also?”
“I honestly don’t know for sure. If I had to guess I’d say that’s what she told Laurie in the letter. But that would be just a guess, and I’m not about to read it. When Laurie is ready, she’ll share her feelings with us. Once she knows she still has our love and our trust. Nothing has changed, Joe. You treat her as normal as you always have.”
He stood up and walked away. He stood facing away from me staring at the book case for an uncomfortably long time. Finally he turned back towards me.
“You’re right, Bettie. Of course you’re right. I don’t know what I could have been thinking. I promise you, I’ll treat her as normal as hell! What should I say to her tomorrow?”“I wouldn’t even bring it up unless she does,” I told him. “When we go in there tomorrow, just be yourself.”
I got up and walked over to him, putting my hand on his shoulder.
“Thank you, Joe,” I told him.
“For what?” he said turning to face me.
“For being the man I knew that I married.” And I kissed him.
~~~31~~~
~~~Narration by Laurie~~~
After mom and dad had left the hospital, I turned over and stared at the wall for the longest time, and again I cried. I was hardly in a state of mind where I felt like I could be sociable. And as much as I love my parents, I was glad they had left. I thought about mom, and wondered if I had really been that obvious in everything I had done that she could have guessed my secret. It was probably just as well that she had, for when Kurt went to school on Monday, I was sure everybody else would know despite what mom said about having faith in him. She hadn’t been there when he had yelled at me, “At least Chuck isn’t a faggot” and then called me that name….the name I would now be labeled by forever. For as highly as I thought of Kurt, it was obvious he was no different than most of the people in Devonshire.
I worried about dad, and how he would handle it when mom told him. Surely he would be disappointed in me. He’d always talked about how proud he would be of his kids when they would get married and he’d have a bunch of grandkids running around the house on the holidays. And I thought about Angela. I thought how not having written her even a short message must have hurt her. So maybe the way I was feeling now, was my comeuppance for the way I had treated her. I was more ashamed of that than anything. She had been my friend, my confidante, and most of all I had loved her. But it was a love that I had denied, and now whatever happened to me, I probably would deserve it. Eventually the nurse came in, to give me my medication.
“You’ll never get out of here if you don’t start getting some rest,” she told me. “Your temperature still hasn’t gone down like it should. One of those pills I gave you will help you sleep.”
I simply nodded. And she turned to leave.
Then she turned to me. “And the next time you plan on being out in a thunderstorm, take an umbrella.” She said. And I think, for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, I smiled. Within a half an hour the medication had taken effect and I slept.
Of course, in hospitals they don’t let you sleep too long without wanting to disturb it in someway. This time it was a different nurse who came in to check my vitals and write on my chart.
“Well?” I asked her. “Am I getting better?”
“Your fever did drop a little bit but it’s still a ways from being normal. You’ll be fine, Laurie. It just takes a while.” I shrugged my shoulders. The longer I could stay in the hospital the better. At least while I was there, I didn't have to face up to my problems and I knew I would be safe.
When I awoke the next morning, taking a shower was still out of the question. So I had to suffer through a sponge bath. Afterwards, I turned on the TV but barely watched. It was Sunday morning, and the hospital channels were limited to the usual political talking heads, telling me how I should think, act, walk, and talk. And then there was the not so reverand Pat Robertson on one channel talking about the evils of homosexuality. That didn’t help much at all and that was when I turned it off.
I had no sooner done that when Kurt came silently walking in. He was absolutely the last person I had expected to visit, and perhaps the last person that I wanted to see. I tried to be upbeat and cheerful.
“Hi Laurie,” he said quietly.
“Hi,” was all I could manage to say to him. What could I say? I had no clue.
“Are you doing okay,” he asked.
“I guess so. I’ll only be in here a few days but it may be a week or two before I have to go back to school.”
The room grew silent. I wasn’t sure why he was even there. He obviously had to be hating me by now.
“Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said. I could hardly look at him.
“Yeah, I’ll be okay,” I told him.
“Good,” he said. And he started to leave but turned back to me. “Laurie, about the other night, I’m sorry about what I said. I shouldn’t have said that or called you that word. I was just hurting and I guess I just blurted it out.”
Now I felt even more guilt. It was obvious that I had caused Kurt a lot of pain.
“Kurt, it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. Don’t worry about it. I’m the one who should apologize, I guess.”
“Apologize for what, Laurie?” he asked.
“For what I did. You were right. I knew in my heart that no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted to I would never be able to love you like you deserve to be loved. I….just wanted to be like everybody else.”
“I know, Laurie. I look back now and there were many times that I thought there was something wrong. I just didn’t want to believe that you didn’t or couldn’t love me. It’ll take a while, but I’ll be okay.”
He pulled up a chair to sit down, but there was still nothing but the awkward silence between us.
Finally I smiled at him. “One of these days, Kurt, you are going to find someone who can love you, and when you do, she’ll be one very lucky gal. Maybe one of these days, when your heart has healed, we can be friends again?”
“Yeah, maybe,” He told me. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Thanks, Kurt,” I told him. He got up to leave but suddenly stopped once again as if he had forgotten something.
“Uh…and Laurie, you don’t have to worry. I won’t tell anybody about…..well…..about you know.”
And that made me feel even more ashamed than ever. Not only had I mistreated him so badly, I had misjudged him as well.
Although I was still weak, I climbed off of the bed, walked over to him and kissed him on the forehead. Then I whispered into his ear. “You’re really a good guy. Thanks, Kurt!”
And for the first time he smiled at me, and that’s when he left. And after he did, I felt tears forming because of what I had done to him. For someone who had once prided herself on never becoming too emotional about anything, there was one thing for certain. I was now on an uncontrollable crying jag.
Later Mom, Dad and Dag came to visit. I was glad most of all that they had finally brought me a decent pair of pajamas to lounge in. Dag wasted no time ripping into me.
“After all that stuff you said to me about Andy, and you go and do something like this over some guy! Now tell me, which is worse. At least I didn’t go stand in a rainstorm all night!”
“Dag,” Mom said, “Now is not the time.”
“It’s okay, mom. I have it coming.” In a way it felt good to have Dag taking me to task. It made me feel normal.
“No, you didn’t, Dag. And I didn’t stand in a rainstorm, I was lying down so at least I was off of my feet. Let’s make sure we at least get our facts straight. Maybe you should have stood out in a rainstorm, Dag. It might have washed your brain out and you would have come to your senses a lot sooner.”
“Ha! Ha!” she replied. “You just think you’re hilarious, don’t you! And worrying mom, dad and all of us like that! Why for two cents I’d bend you over my knee and paddle your rump!”
“Well if you did it wouldn’t hurt,” I told her. “You hit like a girl! And besides, I’d still take a hundred Kurt’s over one Andy any day of the week.”
“I only have one thing to say to that,” Dag said then paused. “I probably would too.” We both laughed, and I was beginning to cheer up a bit.
“There’s still one other matter we have to take care of young lady,” Dad interjected.
“Uh…oh,” I thought. Obviously mom had told him about me the night before. It showed in everything he was doing. It was like he was trying way too hard to be…..well normal I think.
“What matter is that, dad?”
“The fact that you lied to us about spending the night at Gail’s Friday night. We just can’t let that slide by you know.”
“I’m sorry, dad. I shouldn’t have done it.”
“No you shouldn’t have. So what should we do? I think a grounding is in order here.”
I made a face. “For how long?”
“Well, for something like that it should be for the rest of your life. But…..we’ll settle for two weeks.” He winked at me.
“Yeah, okay. I can live with that.” It would be two weeks before I could go back to school or do much of anything from what the doctor had said.
Dag also talked about the teacher from her school that she was dating.
“I hope Reggie isn’t another Andy,” I told her.
“No, he isn’t. He’s an extreme opposite of Andy. He’s kind, nice, extremely polite, and would probably do anything for me that I asked. But we’re just friends.”
Then she talked a lot about her neighbor Glenn and his son, Ronnie who lived across the hall from her. All in all, she talked about Reggie for ten minutes and about Glenn and Ronnie for forty-five minutes, which I thought was kind of strange considering that her and her neighbor hadn’t been seeing eye to eye on too many things.
When they got ready to leave, mom shooed both of them out of the room, telling them she wanted to talk to me alone.
“Dad’s trying too hard, mom,” I told her as soon as they left the room. “But it’s okay.”
“I know Laurie. He just wasn’t prepared for something like this. But he loves you and supports you just as I do.”
“Obviously you didn’t tell Dag.”
“No, I didn’t Laurie. You can tell Dag when you’re ready. You’ll find a way to do that, even if it takes a long time.”
I told her about Kurt’s visit.
“See, I told you to have a little faith in Kurt. He is a good kid. How are you holding up dear?”
“I’m okay, mom. I’m doing a lot better today. In a way, I feel as if part of the weight from having to bare this secret alone has been lifted off of me. It helps to know that I can go back to school and not worry about what’s going to happen there also.”
“The doctor said that your temperature is back to normal, and the antibiotics are kicking in so you can go home in the morning. Your father has to go to a book signing in Miami that he had already committed to. He was going to cancel but I convinced him to go, as much for his sake as well as yours. It'll give him more time to adjust. He is going to cut back on his promotional work as soon as he can. I’ll be here to get you early. I’ll get Arcadia to stay with Keith after I get the others off to school.”
“Okay, mom. I’ll be ready to go. I just wish I could get rid of this darn coughing. It’s driving me crazy.”
“You will, the doctor said that should start clearing up also.” She gave me a hug and a kiss and was gone.
It was the middle of the afternoon before they checked me out of the hospital, as we waited for the doctor to come in and check me over once again. But finally we headed home.
If you’ve ever been away from home on a long trip everything is the same when you return, but it feels almost strange and foreign upon entering, yet it is always comforting to be there. That’s how I felt that morning when I came home from the hospital. I had only been gone for three days, but I felt as if I had returned from a long journey. Figuratively speaking, I had.
That’s not to say that everything was suddenly okay. Far from it. Facing up to the fact that I was gay was one big step. There would be a thousand smaller baby steps yet to take before I would completely find my way.
The first thing that happened when I entered my room, with mom right behind me was to notice the posters. Ashton, Justin and Tom were gone.
Back in their place was Xena and the gang.
“I…I thought I threw them away,” I told Mom.
“Well, you didn’t throw them away good enough,” she said. “Those other posters, they weren’t really you.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“I know Laurie. Do you mind?”
“No, not really. I never looked at the other ones anyway.”
“Now that you’re home though, you are supposed to be resting. You’re a long way from being well. I’ll be up to check on you later.”
“Sure, mom. I just need a quick hot shower, then I’ll sprawl out on the love seat. If I need anything I’ll holler.
After the shower, I went to the mirror in my bedroom to look at myself. “I look like total crap!” I said aloud.
“I’ll say! You look awful!” A very recognizable voice behind me said.
“Gail!” I sad as I turned around. “I didn’t expect you here this afternoon! But I’m glad you came!”
“Yeah, well. I wanted to make sure you were okay. Wow, Laurie, you’re the talk of the school!”
“Uh….what do you mean Gail?”
“Kurt told us what happened. He said you found out he’d slept with a girl from another school when you ran into her at the arcade. This on the night he planned to seduce you. He said it broke your heart, and that’s why you ended up in the cemetery in that storm. I mean, geez Laurie, this is more dramatic than Romeo and Juliet, Scarlett and Rhett, Catherine and Heathcliffe, Lois and Clark, or even Kevin and Britney! Giving yourself up because you’ve been scorned by the one you love is so romantic!”
“Kurt told everybody that? I wish he hadn’t. He shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why not? You may be broken up with him but it doesn’t matter. Now you’re like a heroine!”
“He just shouldn’t have.” It was the only answer I had.
She looked at the posters on the wall. “I see your friends are back,” she sighed. “Oh well, those others weren’t really you anyway. So, how long before you get to come back to school and bask in your new found fame?”
“The doctor says probably two weeks. I’m suppose to just rest the first week and then start getting up and about gradually the second week.”
“Yech…that sucks!” she said. “Oh well, it’ll give me time to find you another guy!”
“I don’t need another guy, Gail. Don’t even try!”
“Sure you do. Who am I going to double with if you aren’t dating.”
“No Gail. I mean it. Don’t even try. I…..need a lot of time for my heart to heal!” I hated saying that but I felt as if it was the only way to get her to drop the matter.
“Yeah….I suppose you’re right. Anyway, your
mom told me to only stay a few minutes. She
says you’re suppose to be resting. Doesn’t look like you’re doing that to me. And by the way, why didn’t you tell me you were going to Kurt’s for the night. How was I supposed to cover your ass when your mom called?
“Sorry, Gail. I just didn’t want anyone to know! I didn’t know it was going to turn out the way it did so I didn’t think mom would be calling you.”
“That’s okay. But next time use your head, gal.” She walked over and gave me a hug. “I’m glad you’re okay. I’ll come back up and see you tomorrow.”
“Okay, Gail. And thanks for filling me in.”
She left and as she did, mom came into the room, again. “You’re supposed to be resting, Laurie!”
“I will Mom. I just have one more thing to take care of, and then I won’t move off the love seat the rest of the night. Cross my heart!”
“What do you have to take care of that’s so important.” She asked.
“I have to write Angela a letter.” I told her.
“Oh! Okay, I guess we can delay resting just a little while longer. As soon as you’re finished though, LAY DOWN! If you don't I'll come up here and sit on you and make you lay down!"
“I will, mom, I promise.”
She left the room and I went over to the computer and turned it on. This time, I began to type and there was no hesitation, no stopping and no indecision. After I was finished, I printed it up, put the letter in an envelope and addressed it to Angela. I could have tried an email, but that would make it seem too impersonal as those kinds of letters often are. Later when mom came up, I handed her the letter and asked her to mail it for me. She quickly agreed to do so saying it would go out first thing in the morning.
I worried about dad, and how he would handle it when mom told him. Surely he would be disappointed in me. He’d always talked about how proud he would be of his kids when they would get married and he’d have a bunch of grandkids running around the house on the holidays. And I thought about Angela. I thought how not having written her even a short message must have hurt her. So maybe the way I was feeling now, was my comeuppance for the way I had treated her. I was more ashamed of that than anything. She had been my friend, my confidante, and most of all I had loved her. But it was a love that I had denied, and now whatever happened to me, I probably would deserve it. Eventually the nurse came in, to give me my medication.
“You’ll never get out of here if you don’t start getting some rest,” she told me. “Your temperature still hasn’t gone down like it should. One of those pills I gave you will help you sleep.”I simply nodded. And she turned to leave.
Then she turned to me. “And the next time you plan on being out in a thunderstorm, take an umbrella.” She said. And I think, for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, I smiled. Within a half an hour the medication had taken effect and I slept.
Of course, in hospitals they don’t let you sleep too long without wanting to disturb it in someway. This time it was a different nurse who came in to check my vitals and write on my chart.
“Well?” I asked her. “Am I getting better?”
“Your fever did drop a little bit but it’s still a ways from being normal. You’ll be fine, Laurie. It just takes a while.” I shrugged my shoulders. The longer I could stay in the hospital the better. At least while I was there, I didn't have to face up to my problems and I knew I would be safe.
When I awoke the next morning, taking a shower was still out of the question. So I had to suffer through a sponge bath. Afterwards, I turned on the TV but barely watched. It was Sunday morning, and the hospital channels were limited to the usual political talking heads, telling me how I should think, act, walk, and talk. And then there was the not so reverand Pat Robertson on one channel talking about the evils of homosexuality. That didn’t help much at all and that was when I turned it off.I had no sooner done that when Kurt came silently walking in. He was absolutely the last person I had expected to visit, and perhaps the last person that I wanted to see. I tried to be upbeat and cheerful.
“Hi Laurie,” he said quietly.
“Hi,” was all I could manage to say to him. What could I say? I had no clue.
“Are you doing okay,” he asked.
“I guess so. I’ll only be in here a few days but it may be a week or two before I have to go back to school.”
The room grew silent. I wasn’t sure why he was even there. He obviously had to be hating me by now.
“Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said. I could hardly look at him.
“Yeah, I’ll be okay,” I told him.
“Good,” he said. And he started to leave but turned back to me. “Laurie, about the other night, I’m sorry about what I said. I shouldn’t have said that or called you that word. I was just hurting and I guess I just blurted it out.”
Now I felt even more guilt. It was obvious that I had caused Kurt a lot of pain.
“Kurt, it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. Don’t worry about it. I’m the one who should apologize, I guess.”
“Apologize for what, Laurie?” he asked.
“For what I did. You were right. I knew in my heart that no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted to I would never be able to love you like you deserve to be loved. I….just wanted to be like everybody else.”
“I know, Laurie. I look back now and there were many times that I thought there was something wrong. I just didn’t want to believe that you didn’t or couldn’t love me. It’ll take a while, but I’ll be okay.”
He pulled up a chair to sit down, but there was still nothing but the awkward silence between us.
Finally I smiled at him. “One of these days, Kurt, you are going to find someone who can love you, and when you do, she’ll be one very lucky gal. Maybe one of these days, when your heart has healed, we can be friends again?”
“Yeah, maybe,” He told me. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Thanks, Kurt,” I told him. He got up to leave but suddenly stopped once again as if he had forgotten something.
“Uh…and Laurie, you don’t have to worry. I won’t tell anybody about…..well…..about you know.”
And that made me feel even more ashamed than ever. Not only had I mistreated him so badly, I had misjudged him as well.
Although I was still weak, I climbed off of the bed, walked over to him and kissed him on the forehead. Then I whispered into his ear. “You’re really a good guy. Thanks, Kurt!”
And for the first time he smiled at me, and that’s when he left. And after he did, I felt tears forming because of what I had done to him. For someone who had once prided herself on never becoming too emotional about anything, there was one thing for certain. I was now on an uncontrollable crying jag.
Later Mom, Dad and Dag came to visit. I was glad most of all that they had finally brought me a decent pair of pajamas to lounge in. Dag wasted no time ripping into me.
“After all that stuff you said to me about Andy, and you go and do something like this over some guy! Now tell me, which is worse. At least I didn’t go stand in a rainstorm all night!”
“Dag,” Mom said, “Now is not the time.”“It’s okay, mom. I have it coming.” In a way it felt good to have Dag taking me to task. It made me feel normal.
“No, you didn’t, Dag. And I didn’t stand in a rainstorm, I was lying down so at least I was off of my feet. Let’s make sure we at least get our facts straight. Maybe you should have stood out in a rainstorm, Dag. It might have washed your brain out and you would have come to your senses a lot sooner.”
“Ha! Ha!” she replied. “You just think you’re hilarious, don’t you! And worrying mom, dad and all of us like that! Why for two cents I’d bend you over my knee and paddle your rump!”
“Well if you did it wouldn’t hurt,” I told her. “You hit like a girl! And besides, I’d still take a hundred Kurt’s over one Andy any day of the week.”
“I only have one thing to say to that,” Dag said then paused. “I probably would too.” We both laughed, and I was beginning to cheer up a bit.
“There’s still one other matter we have to take care of young lady,” Dad interjected.
“Uh…oh,” I thought. Obviously mom had told him about me the night before. It showed in everything he was doing. It was like he was trying way too hard to be…..well normal I think.“What matter is that, dad?”
“The fact that you lied to us about spending the night at Gail’s Friday night. We just can’t let that slide by you know.”
“I’m sorry, dad. I shouldn’t have done it.”
“No you shouldn’t have. So what should we do? I think a grounding is in order here.”
I made a face. “For how long?”
“Well, for something like that it should be for the rest of your life. But…..we’ll settle for two weeks.” He winked at me.
“Yeah, okay. I can live with that.” It would be two weeks before I could go back to school or do much of anything from what the doctor had said.
Dag also talked about the teacher from her school that she was dating.
“I hope Reggie isn’t another Andy,” I told her.“No, he isn’t. He’s an extreme opposite of Andy. He’s kind, nice, extremely polite, and would probably do anything for me that I asked. But we’re just friends.”
Then she talked a lot about her neighbor Glenn and his son, Ronnie who lived across the hall from her. All in all, she talked about Reggie for ten minutes and about Glenn and Ronnie for forty-five minutes, which I thought was kind of strange considering that her and her neighbor hadn’t been seeing eye to eye on too many things.
When they got ready to leave, mom shooed both of them out of the room, telling them she wanted to talk to me alone.
“Dad’s trying too hard, mom,” I told her as soon as they left the room. “But it’s okay.”
“I know Laurie. He just wasn’t prepared for something like this. But he loves you and supports you just as I do.”“Obviously you didn’t tell Dag.”
“No, I didn’t Laurie. You can tell Dag when you’re ready. You’ll find a way to do that, even if it takes a long time.”
I told her about Kurt’s visit.
“See, I told you to have a little faith in Kurt. He is a good kid. How are you holding up dear?”
“I’m okay, mom. I’m doing a lot better today. In a way, I feel as if part of the weight from having to bare this secret alone has been lifted off of me. It helps to know that I can go back to school and not worry about what’s going to happen there also.”
“The doctor said that your temperature is back to normal, and the antibiotics are kicking in so you can go home in the morning. Your father has to go to a book signing in Miami that he had already committed to. He was going to cancel but I convinced him to go, as much for his sake as well as yours. It'll give him more time to adjust. He is going to cut back on his promotional work as soon as he can. I’ll be here to get you early. I’ll get Arcadia to stay with Keith after I get the others off to school.”
“Okay, mom. I’ll be ready to go. I just wish I could get rid of this darn coughing. It’s driving me crazy.”
“You will, the doctor said that should start clearing up also.” She gave me a hug and a kiss and was gone.
It was the middle of the afternoon before they checked me out of the hospital, as we waited for the doctor to come in and check me over once again. But finally we headed home.
If you’ve ever been away from home on a long trip everything is the same when you return, but it feels almost strange and foreign upon entering, yet it is always comforting to be there. That’s how I felt that morning when I came home from the hospital. I had only been gone for three days, but I felt as if I had returned from a long journey. Figuratively speaking, I had.
That’s not to say that everything was suddenly okay. Far from it. Facing up to the fact that I was gay was one big step. There would be a thousand smaller baby steps yet to take before I would completely find my way.
The first thing that happened when I entered my room, with mom right behind me was to notice the posters. Ashton, Justin and Tom were gone.Back in their place was Xena and the gang.
“I…I thought I threw them away,” I told Mom.
“Well, you didn’t throw them away good enough,” she said. “Those other posters, they weren’t really you.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“I know Laurie. Do you mind?”“No, not really. I never looked at the other ones anyway.”
“Now that you’re home though, you are supposed to be resting. You’re a long way from being well. I’ll be up to check on you later.”
“Sure, mom. I just need a quick hot shower, then I’ll sprawl out on the love seat. If I need anything I’ll holler.
After the shower, I went to the mirror in my bedroom to look at myself. “I look like total crap!” I said aloud.“I’ll say! You look awful!” A very recognizable voice behind me said.
“Gail!” I sad as I turned around. “I didn’t expect you here this afternoon! But I’m glad you came!”
“Yeah, well. I wanted to make sure you were okay. Wow, Laurie, you’re the talk of the school!”
“Uh….what do you mean Gail?”
“Kurt told us what happened. He said you found out he’d slept with a girl from another school when you ran into her at the arcade. This on the night he planned to seduce you. He said it broke your heart, and that’s why you ended up in the cemetery in that storm. I mean, geez Laurie, this is more dramatic than Romeo and Juliet, Scarlett and Rhett, Catherine and Heathcliffe, Lois and Clark, or even Kevin and Britney! Giving yourself up because you’ve been scorned by the one you love is so romantic!”“Kurt told everybody that? I wish he hadn’t. He shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why not? You may be broken up with him but it doesn’t matter. Now you’re like a heroine!”
“He just shouldn’t have.” It was the only answer I had.
She looked at the posters on the wall. “I see your friends are back,” she sighed. “Oh well, those others weren’t really you anyway. So, how long before you get to come back to school and bask in your new found fame?”
“The doctor says probably two weeks. I’m suppose to just rest the first week and then start getting up and about gradually the second week.”
“Yech…that sucks!” she said. “Oh well, it’ll give me time to find you another guy!”“I don’t need another guy, Gail. Don’t even try!”
“Sure you do. Who am I going to double with if you aren’t dating.”
“No Gail. I mean it. Don’t even try. I…..need a lot of time for my heart to heal!” I hated saying that but I felt as if it was the only way to get her to drop the matter.
“Yeah….I suppose you’re right. Anyway, your
mom told me to only stay a few minutes. She
says you’re suppose to be resting. Doesn’t look like you’re doing that to me. And by the way, why didn’t you tell me you were going to Kurt’s for the night. How was I supposed to cover your ass when your mom called?“Sorry, Gail. I just didn’t want anyone to know! I didn’t know it was going to turn out the way it did so I didn’t think mom would be calling you.”
“That’s okay. But next time use your head, gal.” She walked over and gave me a hug. “I’m glad you’re okay. I’ll come back up and see you tomorrow.”
“Okay, Gail. And thanks for filling me in.”
She left and as she did, mom came into the room, again. “You’re supposed to be resting, Laurie!”“I will Mom. I just have one more thing to take care of, and then I won’t move off the love seat the rest of the night. Cross my heart!”
“What do you have to take care of that’s so important.” She asked.
“I have to write Angela a letter.” I told her.
“Oh! Okay, I guess we can delay resting just a little while longer. As soon as you’re finished though, LAY DOWN! If you don't I'll come up here and sit on you and make you lay down!"
“I will, mom, I promise.”
She left the room and I went over to the computer and turned it on. This time, I began to type and there was no hesitation, no stopping and no indecision. After I was finished, I printed it up, put the letter in an envelope and addressed it to Angela. I could have tried an email, but that would make it seem too impersonal as those kinds of letters often are. Later when mom came up, I handed her the letter and asked her to mail it for me. She quickly agreed to do so saying it would go out first thing in the morning.~~~32~~~
~~~Narration by Angela~~~
When Dad had come home and announced that we would once again be moving, I felt my world had come to an end. In all the places I had lived, in all the cities all over the world, I had never had a friend like Laurie. Only to me, she was much more than a friend. I had fallen in love with her, something that I thought would never happen until I was much older, or at least in college. Much of the time I would reconcile my emotions with the logic that Laurie wasn’t gay, that she had a boyfriend, that she had a life I never would have. Yet, so many other things had passed between us that told me it might possibly be more. It was the intangible things, the things that you can’t go buy in a store or hold in your hand. Sometimes, when we would be in her room talking, I felt as if she wanted to reach out and hold me as I did her. And there was the way she would often look at me.
I tried to pass it off as my imagination at first, but after it had happened so many times, it lit that glimmer of hope in my heart that it just might be possible. Did she love me the way I loved her?
When she had kissed me the day that I told her I was leaving, it was a moment I had dreamed and fantasized about often. At first, I thought it was just the kiss of friendship, of two very close friends departing, but when she kissed me again, and I had returned that kiss, it was something that I not only wanted to continue, but felt that she had wanted it to as well. But while I may have loved her, I did not have the courage to kiss her one more time, to know for sure. Perhaps it was better to live with an idyllic fantasy than to face the possibility of rejection.
And in the three days before we left Devonshire, I agonized through every paragraph, every word, and every syllable in the letter that I gave to Laurie. I had realized that I was gay, when I was fourteen. I had never shared that fact with anyone, until I had written that letter. But I had to know if she felt as I did, and if she didn’t could she live with the fact that I was, and that I loved her as much as I did.
When we arrived in South Carolina, it took a couple of days to unpack and put our things
away. Once I had the computer up and running, I immediately sent Laurie my address and my phone number. I waited anxiously for a reply. But it was a reply that would never come. At least not to me.
I barely spoke to my father anymore. No more than I had to. I couldn’t tell if it was hurting him or not, but in all honesty, I didn’t care if it did. Time after time, he had dragged Mother and me from one country to another or from one city to another.
On the day that he told us he was doing so again, an argument had ensued unlike any other.
“It’s not fair!” I had yelled at him. “You drag me around from place to place like I was nothing more than a piece of luggage. When in the hell are you going to start thinking about me, about how I feel?”
“Don’t use that language with me young lady!” he had answered back. “You won’t be eighteen until next April. When you’re eighteen you can do what you want. Until then you’ll go where I tell you to and where I want you to go.”
Mom, for her part, had tried to intervene. “Why can’t we stay here? It’s only for a year or a little longer. You’ll be eligible for retirement then, and we can settle down and have the home we always wanted. Angela has friends, and she’s right it’s not being fair to her. She should be able to finish high school.”
“She can finish high school, anywhere,” Dad shot back. “She’ll make new friends. Remember your promise to me, Louise.”
And I knew that was all he had to do, was to remind mom of her sacred promise.
“Fine!” I told him. “You two go. I didn’t make any promise about anything. You’ve never once asked me or cared what it was doing to me! Neither one of you! All you think of is your army career. Well what has the army every done for me except make my life miserable.”
“The army has fed you, put clothes on your back, and a roof over your head,” Dad hollered back. “Now there will be no more discussion about it. You’re going and that’s the end of the discussion.”
If I had had any money at all to survive on, I would have run away right then. But I didn’t. I had a total of five hundred dollars I had scrimped to save over the years. My allowance was meager. But I had made up my mind. The day I turned eighteen, I was leaving. And if I never saw Dad again after that it would be too soon.
I waited until a week had passed since I had sent Laurie my email address and phone number before I began anxiously checking the mail. But the letter I had hoped for never arrived, nor was there an email, or a phone call. As the days passed, I tried to lose myself in school work, but my thoughts always turned back to Laurie. Often I had started to write to her again, or pick up the phone to call, but I knew in my heart that if she loved me, or even still wanted to be friends, she would write me. If she didn’t, then it meant that she not only didn’t care for me as I thought, but that she felt the same about gay people as so many other narrow minded idiots in the world had. For me, it would be better to have my memories of her than to hear the sting of rejection. When a month had passed, I spent a few nights crying myself to sleep, until I had no more tears to spare. Everything I thought about Laurie had been wrong.
One afternoon, I was sitting and watching TV. Dad was at the base, but mom was there.
“Angela, you hardly go out any more. You can’t just sit in here like a hermit!”
“Yes, I can,” I told her.
“Are you ever going to talk to your father again?”
“I do talk to him,” I answered. “Don’t you hear me tell him, yes sir, no sir, okay sir, anything you say sir?”
“You know what I mean, Angela.”
“In that case, the answer is no. He only thinks of himself. He always has and he always will. He doesn’t even take your feelings into consideration. I don’t know how you put up with it.”
“I have to put up with it,” I told her. “There are just some things you don’t understand. I can’t go against my word! You’ll be eighteen next year, Angela, and then you can be on your own. I know it’s been hard for you. But believe me, there are a lot of worse things in the world. Things you’ve never had to face in your life that I have.”
I looked at her. I didn’t fully understand what she was telling me, but I had the distinct feeling
that there were things in her life I didn’t know about.
“Why don’t you go shopping with me,” she asked me. “It might cheer you up.”
I knew it wouldn’t but suddenly I felt sorry for her. “Sure, mom.” I turned off the TV and we left.
And we did have fun for a change. Mom suddenly seemed years younger. I would try on outfits, and one of them was a very low cut white browse, which was quite revealing.
“I don’t think your father would approve,” she told me.
“Then I definitely want it!” I told her.
She sighed. “Well I guess you can throw a shawl over it or something.” I knew she wanted to make me happy, but the truth was I had no place to go to wear such a dress and there was no point in making her the target of dad’s anger because of my own feelings.
“That’s okay, mom. I don’t really need it.” I put it back on the rack and settled for buying a pair of jeans instead. Afterwards we went to a restaurant and had lunch together. And then we headed home. Dad would be there, and he might be a little perturbed because we were so late. But nothing on this planet could have prepared me for what we faced when we entered the house.
Dad was standing in the living room. There was anger written all over his face. Mom saw it too.
“I’m sorry we’re late dear. I’ll get your dinner on right away.”
“Don’t worry about that,” he bellowed. “We’ve got another problem that’s a lot more serious.”
“I’m going to my room,” I said.
“NO YOU AREN’T! YOU’RE GOING TO STAY RIGHT HERE!” He had yelled at me so loud that I completely froze.
“Don’t yell at her like that, Phil,” Mom said.
“I’ll yell at her anyway I please. Do you want me to tell your mother your secret or do you want to tell her.”
“I……I…. don’t have any secret,” I told him. I was scared, really scared. He was yelling louder than I had ever known him to.
“What about being queer, is that a big enough secret,” he yelled. I felt the blood drain out of my face, and my mouth went completely dry.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Phil,” my mother was yelling back at him, it was something she seldom did. “Have you gone mad?”
“Go ahead, Angela. Tell your mother I’m lying. Go ahead and tell her.”
I couldn’t speak. I was frozen. All mom had to do was look at me and she knew it was true.
“Oh gawd! Angela! Tell me it isn’t true.” She said.
I began to feel faint, as if I would pass out. “H…h…how did you find out,” I stammered.
“Your good friend Laurie wrote me a letter telling me you had come on to her, that you had scared her by making a pass at her. And that you had told her in a letter you were gay!”
“NOOOOOOOO!” I screamed. “LAURIE WOULDN'T DO THAT! WHERE'S THE LETTER! I WANT TO SEE IT! YOU'RE A LIAR!”
“I burned the letter. I can’t take the chance of anyone finding out my daughter is some kind of sick pervert.” He yelled back at me.
“I’m not a Pervert!” I told him. “You’re the one who’s sick! So what! So I’m a lesbian! I’m gay! I’m a queer! Are you happy? Is that what you want to hear? Your precious daughter isn’t what you thought she was. But do you know what? I don’t care anymore! You’ve done everything you can to destroy my life! But not anymore!”
“Angela, don’t,” Mom pleaded. “You’re not gay. You’re just going through a phase. You’re just mixed up, we’ll get you help!”
“Mom! I’m a lesbian, and there is nothing that is going to change that! Absolutely, nothing!” I yelled at her. “If you love me you won’t care! You can either love me the way I am or not at all!”
“No you don’t!” Dad yelled at me. “Don’t even try that. We’ll send you to one of those camps like the one they have in Tennessee. One of my men sent his son there to get cured. They’ll set you straight real quick! Do you think I can go on an army base and have people talking about my lesbian daughter?”
“I’m not going to any camp run by a bunch of quacks!” I told him. “Those camps are just a way to bleed money out of stupid people like you! I’m not going to change. I’m a lesbian, and I’m happy about it. Do you understand that!? Do you Dad!?”
“You’ll go if I tell you to go you little slut,” Dad hollered at me.
“The only place I’m going is out of here!” I told him. “Mom! What about you? Are you going to choose him or me?”
“I…..don’t know what to do, Angela. Maybe he’s right. What harm could it do if you at least try one of those camps. You can always leave if it doesn’t work!”
“At least your mother has some sense,” Dad yelled. “Too bad you weren’t born with any you stupid little tramp!”
I looked at mom. She was biting her lip. Then she closed her eyes, and when she opened them it was as if someone had suddenly loaded a shot gun and pulled the trigger. And it was as if years of pent up rage always kept in check suddenly boiled over.
“PHIL!” Mom finally yelled at him. “Don’t talk to her like that! I won’t have it anymore. If she doesn’t want to go, then she’s not going! Period. We’ll deal with it right here, and if she’s gay,
we’ll learn to live with it! And that’s the way it’s going to be! And there will be no more discussion about it, do you understand that? Do you Phil? You’ve done nothing but make her life miserable! I should have let her stay back in Devonshire! She’s not just a thing for you to toss around or yell at like she doesn’t have any feelings! I’ve let you drag her from place to place but no more! If you can’t love her the way she is than that’s your problem not ours! Now get over yourself!”
“Get out!” he yelled at her. “Both of you get out of here right now. I won’t have a gay daughter in my house! Now pack some clothes and get out!”
I took two steps toward the door, but mom grabbed my arm.
“We’re not going anywhere, Phil. If anybody is going anyplace you are. You can go stay at the base! You said “our home”! What a joke! When have we ever had a home? Tell me Phil! We rent this house just like we’ve rented every house we’ve lived in. Even the furniture isn’t ours! So I suggest if you know what’s good for you, you’ll pack your bags and get out of here! Right now, I can’t even stand to look at you”
Dad’s face became beet red. I saw him draw his hand up into a fist and start towards mom. Mom saw it too.
“Don’t’ even think about it, Phil. You lay a hand on me and your precious military career is going to go down the drain quicker than you can salute! So you better think twice. And if you don’t get out we will leave. And the first call I’ll make is to your commanding officer to tell him how you threw your wife and your daughter out on the street. Comprender? Now I suggest you get your butt moving!”
He looked at her, then at me. Anger was etched into his face. But he didn’t go pack a bag. He simply stomped to the door, walked out and slammed it behind him. He would not return that night, or for a long time.
Later, I sat in my bedroom, tears rolling down my face, and mom had gone into her bedroom to cry in private also. I had faced up to the fact that Laurie may never call, may never write. But the thought that she would betray me had never entered my mind. But she had. There was no other way to explain how dad had found out about my sexuality. Maybe she had her reas
ons, but whatever they were I didn’t want to know about them. I never wanted to see her or hear from her again.
Click Here to Continue Reading Laurie & Dag
I tried to pass it off as my imagination at first, but after it had happened so many times, it lit that glimmer of hope in my heart that it just might be possible. Did she love me the way I loved her?
When she had kissed me the day that I told her I was leaving, it was a moment I had dreamed and fantasized about often. At first, I thought it was just the kiss of friendship, of two very close friends departing, but when she kissed me again, and I had returned that kiss, it was something that I not only wanted to continue, but felt that she had wanted it to as well. But while I may have loved her, I did not have the courage to kiss her one more time, to know for sure. Perhaps it was better to live with an idyllic fantasy than to face the possibility of rejection.
And in the three days before we left Devonshire, I agonized through every paragraph, every word, and every syllable in the letter that I gave to Laurie. I had realized that I was gay, when I was fourteen. I had never shared that fact with anyone, until I had written that letter. But I had to know if she felt as I did, and if she didn’t could she live with the fact that I was, and that I loved her as much as I did.
When we arrived in South Carolina, it took a couple of days to unpack and put our things
away. Once I had the computer up and running, I immediately sent Laurie my address and my phone number. I waited anxiously for a reply. But it was a reply that would never come. At least not to me.I barely spoke to my father anymore. No more than I had to. I couldn’t tell if it was hurting him or not, but in all honesty, I didn’t care if it did. Time after time, he had dragged Mother and me from one country to another or from one city to another.
On the day that he told us he was doing so again, an argument had ensued unlike any other.“It’s not fair!” I had yelled at him. “You drag me around from place to place like I was nothing more than a piece of luggage. When in the hell are you going to start thinking about me, about how I feel?”
“Don’t use that language with me young lady!” he had answered back. “You won’t be eighteen until next April. When you’re eighteen you can do what you want. Until then you’ll go where I tell you to and where I want you to go.”
Mom, for her part, had tried to intervene. “Why can’t we stay here? It’s only for a year or a little longer. You’ll be eligible for retirement then, and we can settle down and have the home we always wanted. Angela has friends, and she’s right it’s not being fair to her. She should be able to finish high school.”
“She can finish high school, anywhere,” Dad shot back. “She’ll make new friends. Remember your promise to me, Louise.”
And I knew that was all he had to do, was to remind mom of her sacred promise.
“Fine!” I told him. “You two go. I didn’t make any promise about anything. You’ve never once asked me or cared what it was doing to me! Neither one of you! All you think of is your army career. Well what has the army every done for me except make my life miserable.”
“The army has fed you, put clothes on your back, and a roof over your head,” Dad hollered back. “Now there will be no more discussion about it. You’re going and that’s the end of the discussion.”
If I had had any money at all to survive on, I would have run away right then. But I didn’t. I had a total of five hundred dollars I had scrimped to save over the years. My allowance was meager. But I had made up my mind. The day I turned eighteen, I was leaving. And if I never saw Dad again after that it would be too soon.
I waited until a week had passed since I had sent Laurie my email address and phone number before I began anxiously checking the mail. But the letter I had hoped for never arrived, nor was there an email, or a phone call. As the days passed, I tried to lose myself in school work, but my thoughts always turned back to Laurie. Often I had started to write to her again, or pick up the phone to call, but I knew in my heart that if she loved me, or even still wanted to be friends, she would write me. If she didn’t, then it meant that she not only didn’t care for me as I thought, but that she felt the same about gay people as so many other narrow minded idiots in the world had. For me, it would be better to have my memories of her than to hear the sting of rejection. When a month had passed, I spent a few nights crying myself to sleep, until I had no more tears to spare. Everything I thought about Laurie had been wrong.One afternoon, I was sitting and watching TV. Dad was at the base, but mom was there.
“Angela, you hardly go out any more. You can’t just sit in here like a hermit!”
“Yes, I can,” I told her.
“Are you ever going to talk to your father again?”
“I do talk to him,” I answered. “Don’t you hear me tell him, yes sir, no sir, okay sir, anything you say sir?”
“You know what I mean, Angela.”
“In that case, the answer is no. He only thinks of himself. He always has and he always will. He doesn’t even take your feelings into consideration. I don’t know how you put up with it.”
“I have to put up with it,” I told her. “There are just some things you don’t understand. I can’t go against my word! You’ll be eighteen next year, Angela, and then you can be on your own. I know it’s been hard for you. But believe me, there are a lot of worse things in the world. Things you’ve never had to face in your life that I have.”
I looked at her. I didn’t fully understand what she was telling me, but I had the distinct feeling
that there were things in her life I didn’t know about.“Why don’t you go shopping with me,” she asked me. “It might cheer you up.”
I knew it wouldn’t but suddenly I felt sorry for her. “Sure, mom.” I turned off the TV and we left.
And we did have fun for a change. Mom suddenly seemed years younger. I would try on outfits, and one of them was a very low cut white browse, which was quite revealing.
“I don’t think your father would approve,” she told me.
“Then I definitely want it!” I told her.
She sighed. “Well I guess you can throw a shawl over it or something.” I knew she wanted to make me happy, but the truth was I had no place to go to wear such a dress and there was no point in making her the target of dad’s anger because of my own feelings.
“That’s okay, mom. I don’t really need it.” I put it back on the rack and settled for buying a pair of jeans instead. Afterwards we went to a restaurant and had lunch together. And then we headed home. Dad would be there, and he might be a little perturbed because we were so late. But nothing on this planet could have prepared me for what we faced when we entered the house.
Dad was standing in the living room. There was anger written all over his face. Mom saw it too.
“I’m sorry we’re late dear. I’ll get your dinner on right away.”
“Don’t worry about that,” he bellowed. “We’ve got another problem that’s a lot more serious.”“I’m going to my room,” I said.
“NO YOU AREN’T! YOU’RE GOING TO STAY RIGHT HERE!” He had yelled at me so loud that I completely froze.
“Don’t yell at her like that, Phil,” Mom said.
“I’ll yell at her anyway I please. Do you want me to tell your mother your secret or do you want to tell her.”
“I……I…. don’t have any secret,” I told him. I was scared, really scared. He was yelling louder than I had ever known him to.
“What about being queer, is that a big enough secret,” he yelled. I felt the blood drain out of my face, and my mouth went completely dry.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Phil,” my mother was yelling back at him, it was something she seldom did. “Have you gone mad?”
“Go ahead, Angela. Tell your mother I’m lying. Go ahead and tell her.”
I couldn’t speak. I was frozen. All mom had to do was look at me and she knew it was true.
“Oh gawd! Angela! Tell me it isn’t true.” She said.
I began to feel faint, as if I would pass out. “H…h…how did you find out,” I stammered.
“Your good friend Laurie wrote me a letter telling me you had come on to her, that you had scared her by making a pass at her. And that you had told her in a letter you were gay!”“NOOOOOOOO!” I screamed. “LAURIE WOULDN'T DO THAT! WHERE'S THE LETTER! I WANT TO SEE IT! YOU'RE A LIAR!”
“I burned the letter. I can’t take the chance of anyone finding out my daughter is some kind of sick pervert.” He yelled back at me.
“I’m not a Pervert!” I told him. “You’re the one who’s sick! So what! So I’m a lesbian! I’m gay! I’m a queer! Are you happy? Is that what you want to hear? Your precious daughter isn’t what you thought she was. But do you know what? I don’t care anymore! You’ve done everything you can to destroy my life! But not anymore!”
“Angela, don’t,” Mom pleaded. “You’re not gay. You’re just going through a phase. You’re just mixed up, we’ll get you help!”
“Mom! I’m a lesbian, and there is nothing that is going to change that! Absolutely, nothing!” I yelled at her. “If you love me you won’t care! You can either love me the way I am or not at all!”
“No you don’t!” Dad yelled at me. “Don’t even try that. We’ll send you to one of those camps like the one they have in Tennessee. One of my men sent his son there to get cured. They’ll set you straight real quick! Do you think I can go on an army base and have people talking about my lesbian daughter?”
“I’m not going to any camp run by a bunch of quacks!” I told him. “Those camps are just a way to bleed money out of stupid people like you! I’m not going to change. I’m a lesbian, and I’m happy about it. Do you understand that!? Do you Dad!?”
“You’ll go if I tell you to go you little slut,” Dad hollered at me.
“The only place I’m going is out of here!” I told him. “Mom! What about you? Are you going to choose him or me?”“I…..don’t know what to do, Angela. Maybe he’s right. What harm could it do if you at least try one of those camps. You can always leave if it doesn’t work!”
“At least your mother has some sense,” Dad yelled. “Too bad you weren’t born with any you stupid little tramp!”
I looked at mom. She was biting her lip. Then she closed her eyes, and when she opened them it was as if someone had suddenly loaded a shot gun and pulled the trigger. And it was as if years of pent up rage always kept in check suddenly boiled over.
“PHIL!” Mom finally yelled at him. “Don’t talk to her like that! I won’t have it anymore. If she doesn’t want to go, then she’s not going! Period. We’ll deal with it right here, and if she’s gay,
we’ll learn to live with it! And that’s the way it’s going to be! And there will be no more discussion about it, do you understand that? Do you Phil? You’ve done nothing but make her life miserable! I should have let her stay back in Devonshire! She’s not just a thing for you to toss around or yell at like she doesn’t have any feelings! I’ve let you drag her from place to place but no more! If you can’t love her the way she is than that’s your problem not ours! Now get over yourself!”“Get out!” he yelled at her. “Both of you get out of here right now. I won’t have a gay daughter in my house! Now pack some clothes and get out!”
I took two steps toward the door, but mom grabbed my arm.
“We’re not going anywhere, Phil. If anybody is going anyplace you are. You can go stay at the base! You said “our home”! What a joke! When have we ever had a home? Tell me Phil! We rent this house just like we’ve rented every house we’ve lived in. Even the furniture isn’t ours! So I suggest if you know what’s good for you, you’ll pack your bags and get out of here! Right now, I can’t even stand to look at you”
Dad’s face became beet red. I saw him draw his hand up into a fist and start towards mom. Mom saw it too.“Don’t’ even think about it, Phil. You lay a hand on me and your precious military career is going to go down the drain quicker than you can salute! So you better think twice. And if you don’t get out we will leave. And the first call I’ll make is to your commanding officer to tell him how you threw your wife and your daughter out on the street. Comprender? Now I suggest you get your butt moving!”
He looked at her, then at me. Anger was etched into his face. But he didn’t go pack a bag. He simply stomped to the door, walked out and slammed it behind him. He would not return that night, or for a long time.Later, I sat in my bedroom, tears rolling down my face, and mom had gone into her bedroom to cry in private also. I had faced up to the fact that Laurie may never call, may never write. But the thought that she would betray me had never entered my mind. But she had. There was no other way to explain how dad had found out about my sexuality. Maybe she had her reas
ons, but whatever they were I didn’t want to know about them. I never wanted to see her or hear from her again.
Click Here to Continue Reading Laurie & Dag
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