Laurie & Dag: Part V

(Author's Notes: Welcome again to Part Five of Laurie and Dag. As you can tell from the last Chapter, things have taken quite a serious turn in Laurie's life. In this Chapter, Laurie reaches a major turning point in her story, and the path she chooses will have consequences for everyone involved.

For those of you who have landed here by accident, perhaps led astray by some search engine, yet you still are interested in what you are seeing, simply bookmark the blog and return at your convenience. If you would like to start this story from the beginning, something I strongly urge you to do to experience the full impace of what is going on, simply use the links in the right hand column to navigate from Chapter to Chapter. Also, you may actually want to start with the original story, The Kid and Me in order that you may understand some of the events that occur early in Laurie and Dag. However, I certainly don't think anybody can read either story all in one sitting which makes bookmarking imperative if you are to continue on. I do appreciate everybody who has stopped by and hope that in some small way, Laurie's story in Laurie and Dag will enlighten you the way that I was enlightened as I researched the background for it. Please note that you can click on any picture to get an enlargement and if you have any comments you can leave them or write to me at clydesplace@hotmail.com. Also, now more than ever this story is not recommended for anyone under the age of thirteen. Thanks again for stopping by.)

~~~24~~~

~~~Narration by Laurie~~~

After Angela had walked away, all I could do was sit in my room and let the tears continue to fall. My thoughts were confused, my feelings jumbled, and the pain of her departure was unbearable. At one point, mom came up to my room and knocked on the door.

“Are you okay, Laurie,” she asked. “Do you want to talk?”

I managed to stifle my tears long enough to answer her. “I’m fine, mom,” I lied. “I just want to be alone right now.”

I wanted to talk to her though. I really did. But this was one time that even she could not help me, or comfort me. How could she possibly understand the turmoil I was facing?

As soon as I heard her footsteps go back down the stairs, I continued to sob unabated. It didn’t help that I could still feel Angela’s kiss, still feel the warmth of her body against mine when we had hugged. But still, I could not bring myself to admit the real truth about what I was feeling in my heart. I only knew that I was losing my friend, my companion, and my soul mate. The kisses, the hugs, were brought on by those feelings and meant nothing more than that. I had convinced myself of this, just as I had always managed to explain away my dreams of Xena and my moments alone, late at night in the darkness of my room when I thought and felt things that I could not speak about to Gail and certainly not to my Mom or anyone else for that matter. Angela and I both had been caught up together in our moment of sorrow, and that was that. When I finally felt as if I cried my last tear, I crawled into bed and turned out the light.

It was not a sound sleep. At times I would awaken and feel my mom watching over me. I would feign sleep until she would quietly tiptoe out of my room and the tears would begin again. When I slept, it was only out of sheer emotional exhaustion.

I awoke early the next morning. But I made no effort to get out of bed. I no longer had anything to look forward to. Angela was leaving, and Gail was busy. There was no one to talk to who could understand my feelings, especially when they were feelings I didn’t fully understand myself.

I heard Mom yell at me from the bottom of the stairs.

“Laurie, are you coming to breakfast?” she hollered.

“No, I’m not hungry,” I yelled back to her.

Of course, Mom being who she was, came up to my room soon after.

She looked at me disapprovingly.

“Laurie, have you been crying all night? You look simply awful!”

“No, mom, I’m done crying. I just want to be alone”

“Laurie, I know Angela’s leaving is a difficult thing for you to have to deal with. But you can still write to her and call her once in a while. You have other friends. There’s still Gail and don’t forget that Kurt will be home soon.”

“You don’t understand, Mom.” I told her. “It’s not the same. Angela was different. I’ve never had a friend like her. Gail is always busy with Chuck, and Kurt……I think Kurt’s in love with me.”

“And is that such a bad thing, Laurie? Aren’t you in love with Kurt?” she asked. There was something strange about the way she asked it, as if she already knew what the answer would be.

“No mom, I’m not. I’ll probably have to break it off with him when he gets back. I thought something might happen between us but it hasn’t. I don’t want to lead him on anymore, giving him hope where there is none.”

Mom looked at me. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. She sat on the couch. “Come over here and sit down, Laurie,” she told me.

I did as she asked. “Laurie, I know this is hard for you, but think about how much harder this is for Angela. That poor girl has been moved around from place to place as if she was a piece of furniture. From what both you and her mother have told me, you’re the first real close friend she has ever had.”

“I know that, mom. I offered to help her move, but she wouldn’t even let me do that.”

“Think about it, Laurie. Think about how hard this is for Angela. Yet, she knows she has to face up to it. To have you there each day would make it so much more painful for her. It would be a constant reminder that she is losing the one friend she has ever had and quite possibly the one person who has meant more to her than anyone outside her family ever has.. Angela is trying to prepare herself for the inevitable. She’s not doing this to hurt you. She’s doing it this way to survive.”

“Can’t she stay here with us, mom? She wouldn’t be any trouble.”

“I would love to have Angela stay with us. But Laurie, you know as well as I do that her father will not allow her to.”

“But you could call and talk to him. Maybe they would understand.”

“Yes, Laurie. I could call. And then you are going to build your hopes up when you know already what the answer is going to be and it will hurt that much more after I make that call. Phil won’t let her stay here, and Angela has already faced that reality. If you really want me to, I will try.”

I knew she was right. Angela’s father would never let her stay behind. Not for more than a year. And it may irritate him to the point that he would make it that much harder on her. I knew it in my mind and my heart, and it was just the reality I would have to face. I had to find a way to let go.

“No, mom, I know you’re right. I’ll be okay. She said she would stop by for a second before they leave.”

She stood up to leave then turned back to me.

“Laurie, don’t lock yourself away. It’ll only make it that much harder.”

I simply nodded.

Mom stood at the doorway still longer as if there was something else she wanted to say.

“Laurie, is there anything else troubling you?” she asked.

I simply shook my head negatively she sighed and left the room as if she didn’t believe me. How could I tell her that just about was troubling to me these days. I knew that I would have to deal with the Kurt situation when he returned but I had not thought about it since Angela’s visit the day before. And there were my feelings about Angela to sort out.

“What feelings?” I continued to ask myself. I cared about Angela deeply. I didn’t want to lose her. But when I thought those things, felt these things, I was always quick to add “as a friend” each and every time as if my real feelings for her were something that had to be constantly denied. The truth would not set me free, but cloak me only in shame, guilt and the stigma of being abnormal and someone to be shunned and ridiculed. I had seen first hand what would happen if such a thing were true, and it had been ugly in every sense of the word.

The next three days seemed to go on forever. Several times I would pick up the phone to call Angela and then quickly put it back down. Finally, on the morning of the third day, Louise Jordan called to let us know they were on the way over so that Angela could say her goodbyes. Fifteen minutes later, their van pulled up in front of the house.

Angela got out of the van and we stood to face one another. I glanced inside the van, to see Angela’s father was intentionally avoiding my hateful glance. Angela’s mother got out of the van also, to talk to my mother.

Angela walked up to me. We stood there on the sidewalk unable to speak. She looked as if it had been the roughest three days of her life, and I’m sure I looked the same.

“I guess this is goodbye, Laurie,” she said softly.

“You’ll write to me won’t you Angela? And as soon as I know how to reach you I can call you once in a while. Mom says it’s okay.”

She simply nodded, but I saw no tears, only a blank emotionless expression. She had prepared herself for departure well and seemed to be doing better than I was. I was ready to fall apart. Again the feelings of wanting to grab her, to hold her, to pull her into the house and tell her family she had to stay came over me. But I was more than determined not to make a scene.

“I’ll really miss you, Angela. We’ll see each other again. This isn’t forever,” I told her. “Maybe you’ll find other friends now.”

“Maybe,” she said. And then she held out her hand. In it she had an envelope, and on it was simply written “To My Friend, Laurie”. She handed it to me.

“I want you to read this after I’m gone, Laurie,” she told me. “It’s…..it’s something you ought to know.”


I swallowed. “I will, Angela,” I told her. I reached out and hugged her. She hugged me back, tightly as if the thought of letting go would mean losing each other forever. We didn’t talk, we didn’t speak.

“We have to get going,” Phil yelled from the van. We released each other. She mimed the words, as she had spoken three days ago, “I love you, Laurie” Then ran back to the van. She did not look at me, but slid to the other side to look out the window.

Her mother had finished talking to my mom, also and had started for the van, but when she reached me she stopped. She gave me a hug.

“I know you don’t understand this, Laurie. I’m not sure I do, but I made a promise to Phil years ago that we would stay together as a family. I know this is hard on you and Angela. I’ve never seen her as distraught as this before. But thank you for being her friend.”

I simply nodded and she climbed into the van.

Seconds later, they drove away, and Angela never looked back at me. And I stood there staring off into space, holding Angela’s letter in my hand as if somehow the van would magically turn around and return.

I would have stood there forever if Mom hadn’t come over and placed her arm around me.

“Come on in the house, Laurie,” was all she said. I simply nodded. My tear ducts must have finally replenished themselves because I could feel the tears starting to come on again but I fought them off.

“I’m going up to my room. I want to be alone when I read this,” I told her.

“Sure, Laurie. Remember though, if you need to talk, your father and I are here for you.”

I went into my room, and sat on the love seat. I slowly opened the envelope. In it were several sheets of paper which I slid neatly out and gently unfolded. I began to read and as I did I could almost hear Angela’s voice as she wrote.
To my dearest, closest, and only true friend,

As I write I hardly know where to begin. How does one say the many things that I have to tell you in a few awkward pages or paragraphs? The massive ache I have in my heart at this moment makes writing more difficult than I could ever imagine it would be.

Remember way back when Mrs. Schaefer assigned us the literature report? I had no inkling that it would be the beginning of a friendship unlike anything I could have imagined or have hoped for. If I were to describe what the past months have been like since I have known you, there is only one word that I could use. That word would be “perfect” and it was perfect in almost every way imaginable.

When I think of you Laurie, I will think of so many things. The memories of the past few months are the memories of a lifetime. I will remember the fun we had working together on the project, the race we had around the football field when you collapsed in a fit of laughter, our daily workouts where you worked so hard to keep up with me, shopping together, going to the movies, and most of all that memorable day we spent at magic mountain just two short weeks ago. They are etched forever in my mind and will be with me always. But even more than those things, I will always remember the other things we shared together, the secrets, the laughter, and in the end our tears.

When we first became friends, for me it was nothing more than that. You have to believe that above all else, and if you care about me as I believe that you do, you won’t question that fact. But with each passing day, my feelings for you grew into something much stronger and much deeper. When I told you I love you I meant it, but I meant it in every sense of the word. I do love you Laurie and I love you not just as a friend but with a fire and a passion that I never thought possible. I loved you first, and then I fell in love with you.

I can only imagine what you must be thinking or feeling after reading that. Is it surprise, shock or total revulsion? Perhaps you are totally disgusted as many in this world of ours would be, just as many of your classmates were with Norma. I have no way of knowing, since such feelings are often never dared to be spoken of or thought of openly, especially between two friends such as us.

The truth is, Laurie, I have known for quite a while that when I did fall in love, it would be with a woman. I have never spoken about this with anyone until now. I didn’t dare. My father would disown me, and my mother would just die, not to mention what it would be like for me inin school. That is why I could never risk telling you this, and when you told me what happened to Norma Riley, my fear of being found out became even greater. And although I trust you and believe in you, I did not want to risk our friendship by revealing myself too soon. It is something I would have told you in time, but our time together was cut short.

I never dared hope or thought that you could feel the same way about me. You do have Kurt, and although you told me many times your relationship wasn’t serious, one never knows for sure. But there were many times that I felt as if you were having the same feelings for me, but could not and would not accept them for what they are. I thought I saw it often in the way you would look at me whether it was a longing, a quick glance, or the way you would often smile at me in a warm and caring manner meant only for someone special in your life.

Three days ago, when you kissed me, it was something that I never thought could happen or would happen, or dared to even dream of happening. Then you kissed me again and I returned that kiss. When we held each other close, I could feel your heart pounding almost in unison to mine. Yet even now as I write, I still don’t know if you feel the way that I hope you do, or if you were just swept away by the moment. Perhaps you do love me as I do you, but you are unwilling to accept it or acknowledge that such a thing could be possible or should even exist between us. You and only you have the answers to those questions Laurie.

This is who I am, Laurie. I am gay, and there is no question about that fact. It is something I accepted a long time ago, with all of its consequences. I can’t change who I am or what I feel and if I could I wouldn’t. This is not something one chooses to be. My only hope is that someday I can live my life as open and as honest as everybody, to love who I want, when I want, and as deep and unequivocally as I want without fear of being scorned or ridiculed. I only hope that I will someday have the courage to live openly and honestly, or perhaps not even have to have the courage to live as I was meant to live, but can do so because it will be accepted for what it is, a normal part of who I am.

I could hope that you feel the same way as I do, Laurie, but hope is all I have. But even if I am wrong and you can’t love me as I love you, then I still want to be your friend. The question is can you accept me as your friend just the way I am, knowing how I really feel about you and knowing what it means? These are things you will have to figure out for yourself, as I can’t do it for you nor can anyone else.

If you can’t I will understand, but now you know how truly difficult it was for me to leave, much more than even you could have believed. Only you know if you can ever accept my love and come to terms with it. Only you know if you can love me in return. That you must also do in your own time and in your own way.

For now, I hope you will still write. If I don’t hear from you after I send you my address, then I know what your thoughts are without you saying so, and I will learn to live with that. It will hurt, but it will be a hurt that I will do my best to overcome. Always know this: I care about you more than I have every cared about anyone, and though in the end I may have to move on, I will always carry a special place for you in my heart.

All my love,
Angela

I held the letter in my hand for a long time staring at it. What were my thoughts? The only way to describe them would be total mass confusion. It was as if someone had put an egg beater inside my head to scramble my brain. I had felt the way Angela had described, and I was attracted to her, but even after reading the letter I still refused to accept that possibility just as I had denied it time and time again.

I did as I always did, chalking everything up to one of those things or being caught up in the moment. I was going through a phase, a phase where I was simply questioning who I was, a phase that probably every teenager went through at some point. Wasn’t I supposed to marry a guy at some point, have children, a nice yard with a white picket fence? So what if I hadn’t found the right guy yet! And maybe I had and still just didn’t know it yet. Wasn’t my lack of deep emotional involvement with Kurt just an aberration? I liked him a lot and cared for him a great deal. Maybe that’s what loving a guy was supposed to be. Maybe there was no such thing as the kind of deep attachment to someone that I had so often heard about and read about. Maybe the feelings I were searhing for with Kurt were nothing more than a figment of some screenwriters imaginaition.

And yet at the same time there was no denying my feelings toward Angela. Who was I kidding? When I had stared at Angela in her revealing pajamas and her bathing suit, wasn’t it because I had been admiring her physically? And how often had I stood and admire the physique of Xena, watched the TV show with the same feelings, and in my dreams and thoughts had wanted to be with her. I thought about all the teachers I had crushes on as I was growing up, or at least tried to. Girls always have a crush on at least one teacher, but the only ones I had felt any special kinship with had all been female. But so what? I certainly didn’t love them so it meant nothing.

And if I were to even consider the possibilities that Angela had described, wouldn’t I have known about her? Wouldn’t I have guessed or would I have even had to? And was Angela looking and admiring me in the same way that I had her? Maybe it was just a curiosity thing with me. Yes that’s what it was. It was just a teenage girl’s curiosity. I had kissed her because I was torn up inside because she was leaving. But why was I as upset as I was? I had only known her a few months? I had kissed her not once, but twice and she had returned the kiss, and wasn’t it true that I had wanted it to continue?

All my life I had felt I was different. Growing up, when other kids wanted to play house, I would say “I’ll be the mommy, and I guess you can be the mommy too.” As I entered my adolescent years I had no interest in the boy craziness of my peers. I had never hung the picture of one male movie star, rock star, or athlete on my wall. And wasn’t that the real reason I totally lost myself in my school work? It was because I always felt different and it was easier to lose myself in books and in research then to deal with being the odd person out? What about Gail? She was my friend, and a very good one. But I had never looked at her the way I had Angela. I had never thought of her as I did Xena. Wouldn’t I at some point have been attracted to her also and have wanted her? And how did I really feel about Angela being that way? Did it bother me? Why wasn’t I more shocked by the revelation than I was? And if she were to walk through the doorway at that moment, what would I do? What would I say to her?


And there were a thousand more debates that raged through my mind like buffalo stampeding through the empty plains. Looking back now, many years later, it would be easy to say I was just confused that I didn’t have the answer to those questions. But that would be a lie. I knew what the truth was and I had known it for a long time. But when that undeniable truth would rear its head, I would deny it; shut it off as if it didn’t exist. I couldn’t say the word, let alone even think it. I didn’t want to be different. I wanted to be like everybody else. I wanted to be like Mom, Dad, Dag, Gail, and Kurt. And despite how much I cared for her, despite how much I wish she were there with me at that moment, I quietly folded Angela’s letter, and hid it safely way in my armoire. And I would do my best not to think about it any longer. I would simply shove it out of my mind and out of my life now and forever as if somehow I could make it all go away as if it were some kind of disease.


I looked up at the poster of Xena on my wall and without hesitation, I quickly took it down. I did the same thing with the other poster of the Williams sisters and the poster of Mia Hamm above my desk and no conversation with Mom was going to change things.

Kurt would be back soon. And when he returned, I was going to do everything in my power to make the relationship work. I loved him, and it was time to quit being so obstinate about it. And hopefully Gail would have some free time also, so I would give her a call. I hadn’t talked to her in a week so I should be calling her anyway. And Gail need not worry; the last thing I wanted to talk or even think about would be Angela Jordan.


Four days later, when I received an email from Angela with her phone number and address, I put them in my outlook address book, but I never called nor did I write, nor did I again read the letter she had given to me.

~~~25~~~

Narration by Dag

After having been unnecessarily rebuked by Glenn, and after drying my tears, I decided that I would never again let him get to me again. The silliest thing of it was that even after I had found Andy cheating on me, I had not cried a single tear over him. The tears I cried in the dorm after I split with him were over my own stupid childlike naiveté. What Glenn thought of me didn’t matter. I had made two very good friends in Ronnie and Ada and that was what counted.

Often Ronnie would come over to my apartment just to talk, and to eat home made cookies or cake of course. At other times we would go for a swim together and I began working on his diving with him, using the knowledge I had accumulated from Dad over the years. When Ada was busy or had to go to the market, I often volunteered to stay with him. And often on occasions we would go to the park.

And if Ronnie’s inquisitiveness was any indication of someone wanting to acquire knowledge, he would undoubtedly be a very good student.

“Why doesn’t my dad like you,” he asked one day.

“Oh, I don’t know that he doesn’t like me. Let’s just say we don’t always agree on everything.”

He wasn’t buying it. “Well, I suppose so. But when ever I talk about you all he does is make strange sounds and growls like a bear.”

“Grrrrrrrrr,” I said.

“Yeah, just like that,” Ronnie replied. “Do you know what I think Dag? I think Dad needs a new wife.”

“Why is that Ronnie?” I asked.

“Well, if he had a new wife, he wouldn’t be so sad all the time.”

“You realize of course that if your Dad were to get a new wife, she would also be your stepmother.”

“Yeah, that part ain’t so hot. But we don’t have a fireplace so she can’t make me sweep the ashes out of it. As long as she doesn’t have any little girls, I could probably put up with her. It’s too bad you and Dad don’t like each other, you could be my step mom.”

“Ronnie, if I could be your step mom and not have to marry your dad then I would be honored to do so. I think you better just wait until Glenn is ready to start dating again and let him find someone on his own.”

Ronnie sighed. “I suppose so, Dag. But that may be a long time. And then he might marry someone like Cruella if I don’t help”

“Cruella?” I asked.

“Yeah, Cruella. You know, the lady who wanted to make the coats from the puppies.”

“Oh, that Cruella!” I said. “Why do you think he might pick someone like her?”

“Oh, he wouldn’t know she’s after him. Women can be very tricky. I see it in the movies all the time. And you can always tell the bad women because they wear a lot of paint on their faces and put their hair up on top of their heads. I think they paint up their faces because it’s their war paint.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Okay Ronnie, with you looking out for your dad, I’m sure he’ll have no trouble finding the right woman when he’s ready.”


As for Glenn, it seemed he and I went out of our way to avoid each other. Sometimes we would run each into each other in the hall way and we would simply acknowledge each other with a nod. If Ronnie was at my apartment it would usually be Ada who would pick him up. Or if that wasn’t possible, he would simply call on the phone and say, “Could you send Ronnie home, please.” I would say sure and send Ronnie on his way. If we were down by the pool he would step around the corner and holler for Ronnie to come in, and not even acknowledge my presence.

But I had other things on my mind. School was rapidly approaching, and I spent much of my time at McKinley elementary getting my classroom ready. It was during one of these visits to the school that I met Reggie Warner. His real name was Reginald, but he would cringe if anybody called him that.

He had a fifth grade classroom on the other side of the school, and one day as I was hanging some pictures he popped in and introduced himself. I estimated that he was in his late twenties, immaculately dressed, but his smile was warm and friendly.

“Are you ready to do battle?” he asked.

“I never thought of teaching as being a war,” I told him. “Is it really that bad?”

He laughed. “Sometimes, but a lot depends on how you handle the kids.”

“How long have you been teaching,” I asked him.

“Five years,” he told me. “And no, before you ask, I’m not really that cynical already. You have to be here six or seven years before that happens,” he laughed. I laughed with him.

“Do you have any advice for a novice,” I asked.

“Yes, don’t let them get the best of you. The first week is important. These kids love the smell of fresh blood and they’ll do everything they can to get under your skin. You have to be willing to show during that first week that you’re the boss and that you won’t be taken advantage of. If you let them run all over you that first week you might as well hang it up because they’ll do it all year.”

“What about being their friend?” I asked.

“You can become their friend after you gain control of the classroom, otherwise they won’t be at all friendly no matter what you do. Set the ground rules for your classroom the very first day and stick to them.”

I sighed. “Well, I’ll try,” I told him. For the first time I was beginning to become unsure of myself.

“What about this No Child Left behind law?” I asked him. “Doesn’t it stifle creativity and the thought processes?”

This time it was his turn to sigh. “Yes it does, not to mention that it’s totally under funded by the government so that we can implement it properly. I guess the idea behind it is okay, but everything else about it is just bad. With schools starving for money, the class sizes are getting larger, which means the school board can’t higher enough teachers in order to give the kids the attention they need to get them to pass the standardized test. It’s discouraging, but we do the best that we can.”

“Now I’m really discouraged,” I told him.

He laughed. “It’s not as bad as I’m making it sound. Just do the best that you can and follow your instincts. You’ll be okay. Now, how about going to lunch with me? Or do you have more work to do?”

“No, I’m finished for today. I’d like that very much.”

“Good! You look like you could definitely use a friend.”

Over lunch I found out more about Reggie. His family, like mine, was well off. His
parents, unlike my parents, had not been entirely thrilled with his decision to be a teacher. His dad had wanted him to work in the family manufacturing business. He was working on his masters in his spare time by attending night classes just as I would do eventually. He had been engaged once, but his future bride-to-be had dumped him because she didn’t feel he was ambitious enough. I thought she would make a good soul mate for Andy, whom I only talked about in vague terms to Reggie. He didn’t press the issue. I found him to be thoughtful, courteous and about as nice a guy as anyone could sit down to lunch with. He was certainly a refreshing change from Glenn Hamilton. Not to mention that it was nice to finally have a friend at the school. I had a feeling that Reggie and I would be having a lot of lunches together.

By the time I returned home that evening, I had a much better outlook about myself and my job. After watching TV for a while I turned in and fell asleep.

I can’t remember what I was dreaming about. I can only remember being awaken by the loud continuous pounding on my door. I threw on my robe and hurried, to the door and peeked out. It was Glenn! I opened the door to see what the problem was.

“I’m sorry to bother you but I didn’t know what else to do. It’s Ronnie, he’s sick. He’s feverish and has chills.”

I didn’t hesitate. I hurried over to Glenn’s Apartment, with him following close behind. “Has he been vomiting?” I asked.

“No, he hasn’t”

“Any diarrhea?” I asked again.

“No, none of that,” he answered.

I hurried into Ronnie’s bedroom. He was sitting up on the bed and his teeth were chattering. I felt his forehead; he was warm to the touch.

“I don’t feel so good, Dag,” he told me.

“Do you have a thermometer?” I asked Glenn.

“Yes, I’ll get it.

He hurried off and returned seconds later with the thermometer. I began taking Ronnie’s temperature.

“Should I boil some water or something,” Glenn asked.

“For Pete’s sakes, Glenn, he’s not going to have a baby.” I stood up and looked at him. “You’re not looking all that chipper yourself,” I told him.

“I was on a business trip. I just got home a little while ago and sent Ada home. I didn’t get much sleep while I was away.”

I looked at the thermometer. It read just a hair above a hundred. Ronnie had a fever but not dangerously so. More than likely it was nothing more than a 24 hour bug.


“Go to bed, Glenn. You need some sleep. I’ll stay with Ronnie until I’m sure he’s okay. I don’t think it’s anything to worry about but if he gets worse, I’ll wake you up.”

“I don’t think I should,” he told me.

“Well, you’re no use to him trying to stay awake when you’re exhausted. He’ll be fine. Now go to bed.”

He looked at me as if he wasn’t sure. “I’ll try,” he finally said, “but I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep.”


He left the room and after giving Ronnie some fever medicine, I pulled up a chair next to him. Soon, he was asleep, and an hour or so later his fever broke. I fell asleep in the chair.

When I awoke, stretching and yawning, Ronny was still sleeping soundly. I looked at my watch and saw that it was almost nine. I didn’t even think about still being in my night gown and bathrobe. I walked out of the bedroom, quietly closing the door behind me.

To my surprise, Glenn was up and making coffee. I yawned. “Ronnie is fine, it was just as I said. I’d keep him quiet most of the day though and not let him outside. You look well rested.”

“I slept like a log, thanks to you. You look worn out. Would you like a cup of coffee, Dag?”

“It sounds great,” I told him. We sat down at the counter and as usual the silence between us was awkward.

“I guess you’re anxious to get to work,” he said.

“Anxious and a little scared,” I told him. “But I think I’ll be okay.”

He looked into his cup as if searching for something to say. He finally did, but as usual it wasn’t the right thing.

“I want to make it up to you for coming over and taking care of Ronnie. I appreciate it very much.”


“That’s okay, Glenn, I was glad to do it.”

“I want to repay you somehow,” he relied, “After all you lost a good night sleep. I’ll pay you for coming for over.”

All I could do was take a deep breath and shake my head negatively. “You know, Glenn, I consider Ronnie a very good friend, and whenever a friend of mine is in need, I help them out. I don’t ask questions, I don’t ask for anything in return. What is it with you anyway, Glenn? Do you think that every woman that comes in your door wants to marry you?”

I got up to leave.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” he tried apologizing. “I made a mistake.”

This time I wasn’t hurt. I was just angry with him for being an idiot.

“You couldn’t for one minute be indebted toward someone, could you? It’s easier just to brush if off than believe that someone can do something just out of the goodness of their heart. If that’s the way you feel, Glenn, you need not worry about it. I’ll send you a bill for my services.”

I walked out of the apartment slamming the door behind me as I left.

~~~26~~~

~~~Narration by Glenn~~~

No sooner had Dag left the apartment then Ada entered it. She had obviously seen Dag’s departure with the door slamming.



“Wow!” she said. “What was that all about?”

“We just had a little disagreement.” I told her.

She shook her head. “I'm not surprised. What would be a surprise is if you two would ever agree on anything. Then it might be news.” She hurried into the kitchen while I went into Ronnie’s room to check on him.

He was lying on his bed in his pajamas but he was wide awake. I sat down next to him.


“How are you feeling, Ronnie?” I asked.

“I’m okay Dad. Dad, why don’t you like Dag?”

“Oh, she’s okay, I guess,” I answered.

“You two were very loud again,” Ronnie answered. “And the door got slammed again. Don’t you think Dag is pretty?”

“Yes, I suppose so,” I answered. He thought for a moment.

“Mom was pretty too, wasn’t she, Dad,” he said.

“Dad, do you remember that day at the hospital when I went in to see her and she wanted to talk to me alone? It was when she was very sick. I think she knew I wasn’t going to get to see her again.”

“Yes, I remember,” I said softly.

“She didn’t look so good then. But you know what she said to me? She told me to be very brave and try not to cry too much. And you know what else she said?”



I could feel a lump in my throat as I always did when talking about Joyce. “What did she say, Ronnie?”

“She said for me to take care of you, to make sure you were happy. Dad, do you think mom can see us right now?”

“I don’t know, Ronnie,” I answered.

“I was just wondering because I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of making you happy.”

I smiled at him. “You’re doing a fine job, Ronnie. I think she would be proud of you. You’re what makes me happy.”

He smiled back at me, and I made up my mind that I would have to quit dwelling on Joyce’s death. It was time to start thinking more about Ronnie instead of feeling sorry for myself.

~~~27~~~

~~~Narration by Laurie~~~

I spent most of the next few days after Angela left helping mom and dad around the house as much as possible hoping it would occupy my thoughts. I even played pinball and video games with Frank, and took the time to play with the twins and their dollhouse.

When I had called Gail, she wasn’t at home but she called me back later. As luck would have it, the restaurant now had enough help where she wasn’t needed anymore, and she would have a lot of time on her hands over the coming weekend, especially since Chuck was going away for the weekend to check out one of the colleges that was recruiting him.

Kurt had also written telling me that they would be returning to Devonshire the following Wednesday. I wrote him back telling him I was looking forward to seeing him again, throwing in a few flowery phrases about how much I had missed him since he had been gone. I was happy with what I wrote, but there was no denying the twinge of guilt that I felt when I did so. There was no denying also that I despite my efforts not to think of Angela, my gaze had turned towards the armoire that held her letter as I was writing Kurt.

That Saturday, Gail and I went shopping. Gail had saved most of her earnings and tips from the restaurant, and wanted to splurge on some new outfits to show off at school and of course to show off for Chuck. I bought some new posters for my room and she seemed pleased for some reason. As we shopped, she hardly mentioned Angela except to say that she had heard she had to move again, and that she felt kind of sorry for her. I quickly changed the subject to some other topic.

Later we went to the movies and ended up at the arcade. Gail started to sit at one of the outside tables near The Beanery which was next door. “Let’s go in and play a few video games,” I told her.

Gail made a face. “And since when were you interested in playing video games?” she asked.

“It’s just something I’ve been killing time with,” I told her.


“Well, if you want to go in and plop your dollars into those things, go right ahead. I’m going to sit here and have a drink.”

Reluctantly I sat down with her. I should have known better than to suggest playing video games to Gail. She talked a while about working at her mother’s restaurant and then talked about Chuck. I didn’t feel as if I had anything to talk about. In the middle of the conversation, she watched as a girl neither one of us knew walked by and into The Beanery.

“Oh my gawd!” Gail exclaimed. “Isn’t that outfit gay?”

“You know Gail, I really hate it when you use that word in such a derogatory manner,’ I told her.

“What are you talking about Laurie? All the kids at school use it. It’s just an expression.”

“I don’t care,” I told her. “It’s wrong. It’s demeaning when you use it like that. Would you have said it if somebody we knew who really was gay was sitting here with us?”

“I don’t know any gay people and there’s not much chance that I ever will,” she snorted. “What’s wrong with you anyway? I’ve heard you use it ”

“Not anymore, not in that way. Using it in that manner is just wrong. If you don’t like something just say so.”

“Whatever!” she told me. “What’s gotten into you?” Gail suddenly looked totally confused but she decided to change the subject. “Anyway, Kurt will be home on Wednesday. Do you want to double that night or see him alone?” She winked at me when she said it.

“We can double on the weekend. He’ll probably just want to be alone. He says he has some things he wants to talk about.”

“Uh-oh, that sounds serious. Has he ever told you he was in love with you yet? Kurt’s had all summer to think about it. This could be the big moment, Laurie.”

“I really wouldn’t know,” I told her. The truth was I did know, but talking about my relationship with Kurt was making me feel very uncomfortable.

“You’ll call me first thing Thursday morning and fill me in on all the details, won’t you Laurie? You’re not still thinking of breaking up with him are you?”

“No, Gail. I’m not. You were right. I just had to give the relationship more time.” Earlier I had simply felt uncomfortable, but now I once again felt the twinges of guilt running through me. I had never lied to Gail. I tried to convince myself that this wasn't lying either despite those nagging twinges. I did have to give the relationship time, and dammit I had to quit being emotionally vacant, love Kurt, and be damn happy about doing it.

“Finally, you’ve seen the light! I was about to give up hope!”

I tried to change the subject. “What about you and Chuck? How did he handle the fact that you were working all summer?”


“Just fine. It didn’t interfere with us at all since it was only part time. I’m just annoyed that the guys have to start football practice already next week. Chuck’s been working out like there isn’t any tomorrow, and when he does he expects me to keep him company as he runs around the football field. He’s anxious for Kurt to get back so he’ll have somebody to throw some passes to. I’m sure after being away the last two months Kurt will be more than ready to throw a few passes himself if you know what I mean.”

“I suppose so.” I looked at my watch even though I knew what time it was. “I really have to be going Gail. I want to get these posters hung up in my room, and it’s getting late. Do you want to spend the night?”

“I’d love to, Laurie, but I promised mom I’d be home this weekend since she hardly sees me any more. Maybe next weekend.”

We got up to leave, and an hour after arriving home, Xena and the gang had been permanently replaced by Justin Timberlake, Tom Welling and Ashton Kutcher. Once I hung them though, I would seldom look at them. They hadn’t been on the walls for five minutes though when mom came up to my room to ask me if I would look after the kids while she and dad went out. She immediately noticed the change and stood staring at the wall for the longest time. I tried to pretend I was preoccuped with something else and didn't notice. At the same time I was preparing to answer the inevitable questioning that was sure to follow.

“What brought this on?” she asked.

“I was tired of the old ones,” I told her. “I just wanted something different.”

“I suppose so, it’s just that….,” she didn’t finish what she was saying.



“Just what, mom?” She was looking at me, but I felt as if she was seeing through me, seeing the secrets buried in my soul.

“I don’t know Laurie. Are you sure everything’s okay? You’ve just been a bit distance ever since Angela left.”

I exhaled in exasperation. “Everything’s fine, mom. There’s nothing to worry about. Angela left, I acted like a baby about it, but now I’m over it.”

She shrugged and her shoulders sank. I knew Mom wasn’t buying any of it but what could she prove? She finally turned and left the room without saying anything.


Just as scheduled, Kurt arrived home on Wednesday morning. One of the first things he did was to call me. He told me he was tired from the flight and that he had to unpack his things.

“I really missed you,” he told me.

“I missed you too,” I replied. “I can’t wait to see you!”

“I’m glad to hear that. I could hardly tell from reading your emails sometimes that you even cared that I was gone,” he said.

“Well, I’m not a very good writer,” I told him.

“Yeah, well neither am I so that makes us equal. I’ll pick you up at about seven. Is that okay?”

“I’ll be ready,” I told him.

I spent the day trying to make myself look as nice as possible. A few minutes before seven, I headed down the stairs. Kurt was seldom if ever late.

“How do I look,” I asked mom.

“You look great, Laurie. I guess it’s going to be kind of rough on you tonight having to break up with Kurt!”

“Oh, I changed my mind. I’m not breaking up with him.”

She stood and looked at me with her hands on her hips just as she had up in the bedroom when she had seen the posters.

“What made you change your mind?” she asked.

“I missed him a lot more than I thought I did,” I told her. “It made me realize how much I do care for Kurt. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” I was once again doing my best to convince myself more than her because I knew Mom now had her radar tuned into me and wasn’t buying the sales pitch. Thankfully though she didn’t question me any further and ten minutes later Kurt showed up to greet me. As Kurt and I walked out of the house though, I felt as if Mom was looking at me with her x-ray vision on full blast, so much so that it caused me to shudder wandering what it was she was thinking. There had been times in my life when I thought she was the related to Sylvia Browne, because she would question me as if she were reading my very thoughts. "Damn mother's and their intuition," I thought.

I hurried Kurt through the door and once outside he wasted no time in kissing me long and hard. I returned the kiss likewise, long and passionate, more than I ever had.

“Wow, I guess you really did miss me,” he said. “I was kind of worried.”


“Well, all of your worrying was for nothing. I really did miss you.”

“Would you like to just go for a walk?” he asked. “We can see a movie or something tomorrow night.”

“That’d be great,” I told him. He took my hand and we headed to the park.

It was night time, but the lights lit up the park as if it were daylight.

We sat on one of the park benches, and Kurt proceeded to tell me about his two months in Hawaii with his parents. I did my best to listen attentively. He also told me how often he would think of me and how much he missed me. Then he asked about Angela, and I realized that I had not told him of her departure. It was the one subject I was making every effort to avoid.

“She had to leave because her dad was transferred out again. She won’t be coming back.” I told him.

“That doesn’t hardly seem fair to her,” he said. “I feel sorry for the kid. You two had become such good friends.”

He sounded sincere but now was not the time to discuss Angela.

“We were. But you were getting tired of her hanging out with us on some of our dates,” I told him.

He chuckled. “I suppose so. But I figured if she hung around long enough, she’d find somebody to date. I liked Angela, Laurie.”


I simply nodded. It was time to get out of the way what I knew for months was going to happen.

“You said you wanted to talk to me about something, Kurt. You sounded kind of serious.”

He took a deep breath. “Yes, Laurie, for me it is. It has to do with us.”

“What about us?” I asked him.

“I’ve tried as hard as I could to do it your way, to not become serious or let my feelings interfere with logic. But it’s not working. I know what I feel, and no amount of logic in the world can change that Laurie. I care about you, Laurie. I care about you a lot.”

“I care about you, Kurt. I always have. You’re a very important part of my life”

“Do you, Laurie? Are we talking about the same thing? You’ve never even hinted that you could care for me the way I had hoped you would. The truth is Laurie, I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time. I think you know that.”

It was out in the open now. The ball was on my side of the court, and I had made up my mind to keep it in play. Yet I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to do so but I swallowed hard and spoke.

“I love you too, Kurt.” I told him.


I had done it. I had done what I thought I would never do. Yes, I loved Kurt. I loved him as a friend just as I loved Gail. But I knew that when I said those words to him what he thought they would mean, and technically saying it wasn’t a real lie didn’t mean anything. It was a lie, but I had convinced myself that I would and could love him in the way he wanted so that in the end everything would be okay. But I was a long way from feeling the joy and happiness that should have been associated with saying those three words, though I must admit that I felt a certain amount of relief in having it over with.

“Do you, Laurie?” He seemed surprise, almost shocked. “I have hoped for a long time that you would be able to say those words to me. I never thought it would be this soon.”

And then he kissed me long and passionate, and he whispered in my ear “I love you.” And I whispered it back, just as I thought I should and exactly in the way that I knew he wanted to hear it. And as he kissed me again, I not only began to feel sharp stabbing pains of guilt, but thoughts of Angela had again crept into my mind.

~~~28~~~

~~~Narration by Dag~~~

When I started my first day of teaching at McKinley Elementary School, the butterflies were doing somersaults in my stomach. My nerves were so bad that when I left the house I thought I would be ill. By the time I reached the school, my nerves had settled into a minor case of sweaty palms.

I arrived early to make sure everything in my classroom was in order. Reggie was there also, and he offered words of encouragement before heading to his own classroom.

One of the first students to arrive was Ronnie, who was dropped off by Glenn. I didn’t know if the fact that I would be Ronnie’s teacher was irritating to Glenn or not but the devil in me was hoping it would be. Eventually all my students were there and it was time for roll call.


Everything seemed to go quite well at first. My first task was to try and assess how much each student had progressed in kindergarten and first grade. I started by having each of them read a passage from a first grade reading book, and as each student read I would mark down in a book how well they had done. And then I made a mistake. I turned my back on them, and no sooner had I done so then a pencil went flying over my head to the front of the room. I reached down to the floor to pick it up.

I quickly turned around. “Okay, who threw the pencil?”

The class sat there in stony face silence, including Ronnie.

“Jennifer, did you see who threw the pencil?” she quickly shook her head. I turned to Ronnie, who quickly shook his head.

“So, nobody saw who threw the pencil. I’m going to ask one more time, who threw the pencil?” Again, no volunteers.

Very well then. We were suppose to have a recess in fifteen minutes. Instead all of you can spend that recess here in the classroom. And if you want to, we can come back after lunch and spend some more quality time together.

"Thanks a lot Danny!" I heard one girl name Mary Ann whisper to another boy named Danny.

I walked over to his desk.


"Danny, did you throw that pencil up here."

His head drooped down. I tried again. "Danny, did you throw that pencil or not?"

"Yes Miss Baker, but I didn't mean to. I was throwing it to Jerry because he said he didn't have one."

"It doesn't matter, Danny. It's dangerous to be throwing things around the classroom. Somebody could bet hurt. What if it had hit somebody in the eye? Now come up here to my desk."

He slowly got out of his seat and followed me to the front of the classroom.




I wrote out a referral slip and handed it to him sending him to the assistant principal's office. It looked as if he was ready to cry. He was just about to the class room door when I stopped him.

"Danny, come here for a minute," I told him.

"You won't be throwing anything in this class the rest of the year, will you Danny."


"No Miss Baker," He answered.

"Then give me your referral slip and I'll put it in my desk. We'll keep it around just to make sure. Now go back to your desk."

He handed me the slip and went back to his desk. I put the referral away but doubted that I would ever need it, at least not with Danny.

In the cafeteria, Reggie asked me how it was going. I told him about the pencil throwing incident and he laughed.


“I couldn’t have handled it better myself,” he told me. “By the way have you got any plans for the weekend?”

“No, I don’t,” I told him.

“Would you like to take in a movie Saturday evening?” he asked. “Perhaps have dinner?”

“Sure, I’d love to.” I told him. I realized that I hadn’t been out on a real date since I had left Andy. Reggie certainly seemed safe enough.

“Fine, I’ll pick you up Saturday about seven then. But as for now, it’s time for us to get back to class.”

When I arrived home that evening there was a reminder of something that I had totally forgotten about. There would be an apartment get together down by the pool. I had received a notice of it days earlier, but it had never registered in my mind that it would be that evening. I sighed, took a quick shower and changed into more comfortable clothing. By the time I reached the pool most of the tenants were there including Mrs. Walker. Everybody seemed to know everybody else except for me, so she took me around and introduced me.

One of the guys she introduced me to was Harold. Harold lived in an upstairs apartment. He offered to get me a drink and I let him.

“Would you like to sit down?” he asked me pointing at one of the tables.


“Sure,” I said and we sat down. As soon as we sat down though, he begin to ask questions such as was I married, what did I do for a living, how big a family did I come from, and then a couple of strange questions such as were there any health problems in my family, did I have any, and when he asked what kind of insurance policies I had I knew where he was coming from. Harold was an insurance sales man, and immediately went into a long monologue about health insurance, renters insurance, life insurance and any other kind of insurance one could think of. After only a couple of minutes I would nod occasionally as if I were really listening, or go uh-huh, uh-huh.

It was during Harold’s sales pitch that Glenn walked into the pool area.

He looked at me and then Mrs. Walker grabbed him to show him around. She brought him over to our table to introduce him to Harold and me since she didn’t know I had already met Glenn.

She introduced me first, and we acknowledged that we had already met. She then introduced him to Harold, who stood up and shook his hand vigorously.

“Sit down and I’ll get you a drink,” Harold told him.

“No, that’s okay,” Glenn tried to tell him. “I can’t stay but a minute.”

“Well buddy, how long does it take to have one little drink. You don’t want people to get the wrong idea, do you. You just sit down and I’ll get us all another drink.”


Glenn sat down next to me but he looked terribly uncomfortable. He didn’t know as I did that a trap had just been laid for him.

“What’s so funny,” he asked me.

“You should have made your escape while you could, Glenn. Harold is an insurance salesman.”

It was too late now for him to leave, Harold was returning back to the table with the drinks. He set one next to Glenn and next to me, though I had barely touched the first one. Harold wasted no time, asking Glenn the same questions he had asked me, before launching into his long sales pitch.

Glenn began sipping on his drink, but he wasn’t paying any attention to him.

We finished the drinks in short order, and the bartender picked up our glasses. Harold continued to rattle on but as I was looking off into space, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was paying way more attention to me than he was to Harold. I quickly looked away and so did he.

“Do you feel okay, Dag?” Glenn suddenly asked me. I looked at him as if he were a bit nuts, then he winked at me. I caught on right away.

“Uh, no….actually I’m feeling a bit faint for some reason, and I wouldn’t want to miss work after just starting today. Perhaps, you should walk me back to my apartment?”

“I’d be glad to,” He said quickly standing up.

“Now right there is a reason to have extra health insurance even if you are…….” Harold said standing up also.

“Uh…Harold, I think Miss Baker would really like to get back to her apartment and lie down. Why don’t you leave the information, with my housekeeper and I’ll give you a call.”

Harold looked crestfallen as if he had just lost a big sale. “Uh…sure Glenn,” he said. Glenn and I quickly started walking back towards my apartment to make our escape.

“Thanks for rescuing me,” I told him. I turned to face him. For once he didn’t seem like the enemy. “Would you like to come in for a second? Harold’s standing down at the end of the hall probably waiting until I get in my apartment before cornering you again.”

“I’d love to,” He said and we quickly entered.

“Would you like a drink? I think I can make us one a little bit better than the ones we had.”

“Sure,” he told me. He looked around my apartment as if he was trying to size me up. I returned with the drinks.

“You’ve done a nice job of decorating,” he told me.

“Thanks. I’d like to take all the credit but I can’t. My mom helped me quite a bit.”

“Is that your mom in the picture,” he said pointing to the one above the TV.

“Well, yes it is. But she died when I was six. I was taken in by my mom’s cousin and when he married, his wife adopted me.”

“Oh I didn’t know,” he said. He hesitated. “Dag, I really want to apologize for the way I’ve been acting. It’s been pretty rough for Ronnie and I these past months. I’m still learning how to be both a mother and a father.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I told him. “I understand.” The truth was I did understand now. He had finally let his guard down.

“What made you decide to be a teacher?” he asked.


“Oh, it’s just something I’ve always wanted to do. I helped my brothers and sisters with their school work a lot when I was growing up. Except for my sister, Laurie. By the time she was in fifth grade, she seemed to know more than I did.”

“Is that your family there,” he said pointing to another picture.

“Part of it. Actually there are six kids altogether. Mom just had another one. She says it’s the last one. And you?”

“My parents are still living. They live in Phoenix. I have a brother that lives there also. I suppose you’ll want a family of your own one of these days.”

We had finished our drinks so we went to sit on the couch.


“I’m sure I will, but there’s no rush. I want to make sure I meet the right guy first.”

“And what would the right guy be like?” he asked.

“Well, probably like my father. He loves being around his kids. He’s very understanding and patient with them. He’s always having the family do things together, and he and my mother spend an equal amount of time with any work around the house.”

“So you’ve never been in a serious relationship, yourself?” I wasn’t sure if he was making a statement or asking a question.

“Well…I was once. In college I was serious about someone. It was a professor and I thought I was madly in love with him. But I wasn’t. Of course it took me coming home to find him teaching sex education to another student to bring me to my senses.”

“That must have hurt quite a bit,” Glenn told me.

“Yes, yes it did. But I put on a brave front and pretended that it didn’t. I think I was angrier at myself for letting it happen.”

The room grew silent as if he was mulling the situation over. “Well, I better get home and let Ada off the hook. Ronnie wasn’t in too good of a mood this afternoon when he got home. He was moaning and groaning about you giving them homework on the very first day of school. He said it was some kid named Danny's fault for "giving you a bad mood," or something like that.

I laughed and told him what had happened. He chuckled also as he walked toward the door. I walked over to it with him.

“Glenn, my offer still stands,” I told him. “If you or Ronnie ever need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Thank you, Dag. I’ll do that. And thanks for everything you’ve already done for Ronnie.”

He turned and he left. I yawned and realized I was exhausted. I was certainly glad that Glenn and I would no longer be enemies. At least for the time being. That alone had made the whole day worthwhile.

~~~29~~~

~~~Narration by Laurie~~~

The week after Kurt returned home, football practice started up in full force. It left Gail and me with a lot of time on our hands during the week to hang out together.

I had decided to join the school newspaper staff and was glad to see that Elizabeth Shaeffer had taken over the journalism class. For good measure, I also joined the science club. My hope was to keep myself as busy as possible and my thoughts off the many other matters concerning my life.

As for Kurt things between him and I progressed steadily. He told me he loved me at least once or twice a day, and when he did I said it back. It had already become a habit, and like many habits, I began to do it without even thinking about it. The problem was I found that putting new posters up and telling Kurt I loved him had changed absolutely nothing.


No matter how hard I tried not to, I often thought of Angela and what she might be doing. I had not heard from her again nor had I expected to since her letter still was buried in my drawer unanswered. Several times I had pulled out the envelope with the intent to burn it as if somehow such an act would free me once and for all. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it and would always place the envelope back in the bottom of the amoire.

And with each day that passed, my own guilt over my lack of response grew. I should have been able to write her something, anything. I knew that if she did not receive an answer, I was hurting her, and that in turn added even more to the heavy burden of guilt I was carrying around. Many times I sat down at the computer to find the right words to reply with. Most of the time I didn’t type anything. Sometimes I would type a line or two then quickly delete it. And by the time school was back in session, I had given up completely and only hoped that time would blur the memory of Angela until it was eventually erased from my existence.

I wasted no time in throwing myself into my school work and clubs, and I did so with a fervor that even I had never done before. I intended to occupy myself in every way possible every second of the day. I went to each and every football game that year, at hoame and away.

With each passing week, Kurt’s advances became more and more passionate. I had even lessened my objections to quite a degree, deciding that perhaps my only problem was I was too much of a prude and that I should just learn to enjoy it. I thought anything and everything was a cure all for what ailed me, when the truth was the only cure would be to face up to who I was, and accept it. But knowing and understanding that now is one thing, understanding it in that year and in that place and time, was quite another.

By early November, just a few weeks before I would be eighteen, Kurt had rounded second, touched third base and was ready to steal home in our make out sessions. Physically we had gone about as far down the field as we could without going for the touchdown. More often than not during these times, thoughts of Angela would be more on my mind than what Kurt and I were doing. It seemed the more I tried to erase her from my memory, the stronger the images were becoming instead

One evening, when we were at his home, his parents had long since gone to bed. It had been a night when he was more aggressive in his passion than ever. But, he had stopped on his own without any objections from me. The fact that his parents were upstairs asleep probably had more to do with it than anything else though.

“My parents are going to be away next weekend,” he told me. “I’ll have the whole house to myself if you want to come and hangout.”

The implication was clear. Without his parents in the house, there would be no stopping and no turning back. All I had to do was say no, and he would understand. That much I was sure of. He wasn’t trying to talk me into it. Kurt never had. But something was driving me, as if I had to pull out all the stops to prove I was something I was not. I decided it was time to go for broke, that it was all or nothing. I swallowed hard and gave him my answer.

“Yes, I’d like being here alone with just you,” I told him. He smiled and put his arm around me. There was no question as to what my answer meant.

“Are you sure, Laurie? Absolutely sure?” he said after putting his arm around me.

“I’m positive,” I told him. And I kissed him as if somehow that would prove something. “Just come prepared,” I told him. And he also knew what I meant by that.

As I lay in my bed that evening, I felt as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I knew what I was going to do was wrong. I knew that what I was doing to Kurt and with him was wrong. I knew that what I had done to Angela was wrong. What I failed to realize though that most of all, above all else, what I was doing to myself was wrong. The words mom had spoken to me several months ago seemed to haunt me:

“Don’t ever compromise who you are or what your values are just to fit in. And most of all, don’t compromise what you believe in just to be accepted. Once you begin selling out your values, Laurie, then it never stops and in the end you’ll be hurt or you’ll hurt someone in the process. So don’t change who you are just to get along. And don’t compromise who you are because you think you are supposed to be in love or are in love with someone. That’s too high a price for anyone to pay”

Everything she had told me I had ignored. But those words of advice seemed like they had come ages ago.

All week long I was on edge. I had convinced myself that what I was going to do would put an end to any of my doubts, not just about who I really was, but would somehow awash me in a sea of ecstasy and passion that would finally, once and forever, ignite my flames of love and desire towards Kurt.

That Friday there was a football game, and afterwards we hung out with Chuck and Gail for a while before leaving for Kurt’s home. I had already told Mom and Dad that I would be spending the night with Gail and they didn’t question it. I didn’t expect them to.

When we entered the house, I could tell Kurt was nervous, as nervous as I was if not more so. I was beginning to wish I had just let him take me in the heat of one of our passionate moments on his couch instead of all the planning and sneaking around we were doing.

“Would you like a drink or something,” he asked me. “or a snack?”

I shook my head negatively. I was ready to do what I felt I had to do to prove to myself, Kurt and everybody else that I was no different than they were. The more we waited the more tense I would become. So I tried to ease his fears. I put my arms around Kurt and kissed him, long and hard. “Let’s go upstairs,” I whispered to him.

Kurt took me by my hand and we headed toward the steps. We went upstairs to his room. I could feel his eyes gazing at me with eager anticiapation as we made the climb. It was as if he were undressing me already.

I had been in my brother’s room, but other than that I had never really been in any other boy’s bedroom. I took a quick look at the surroundings and decided that it was about what I was expected.

I lay down on the bed. Kurt went to turn on the light.

“Don’t turn the light on” I told him.

"Sure," he said. "And lay down next to me."

We laid there next to each other, and talked about nothing in particular or at least nothing that I can remember now. He was as nervous as I was scared. But I was scared not only because of what I was about to do, I was tense and nervous because deep down inside of me, I knew it was wrong. Yet I didn't care. I felt as if I had something to prove not only to myself, but to Kurt and everybody else who had saw me as being some sort of odd creature for most of my life. I had to erase the memories of Angela once and for all.

What I do remember is that finally, he put his arm around me and held me. And after what seemed like an eternity, he began to kiss me. I kissed him back. And with each kiss he became more passionate, and I remember that I asked him at one point if he had brought some protection. He nodded, then began kissing me again.

Kurt was taking his time, going slow and being patient. I knew he was doing this out of consideration for me, but I actually wished he had just sped things up and gotten it over with. He was giving my mind way too much time to wander.

I remember he had undressed, and I remember that he had carefully slid my dress off of me laying it aside. But he seemed to be in no hurry to remove my undergarments. He ran his hand softly across my skin and as he began to gently fondle my breasts, instead of feeling the passion I should have, I could only cringe. It wasn’t that I found his touch abhorrent, but as I closed my eyes hoping it would soon be over with, a picture of Angela begin to form in my mind. And as it did I remembered the day that she had left, as if it had happened only moments ago. I remembered how she had felt in my arms for those few seconds, as if our bodies were meant to be molded together. I remembered how often she had looked at me in that special way of hers, how her eyes had sparkled, and how I had felt when we were together. I remembered how her lips had touch mine with so much love, so much passion, and so much sorrow. They were kisses that I could not forget no matter how hard I tried to pretend they hadn't, and more importantly I knew how much I had really loved her and had wanted to be with her. And the further Kurt went, the more I realized that nothing in this world could ever change what was meant to be, and it was that I loved Angela with my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. And even more importantly, I was who I was and there was nothing on God's earth that would ever change that.


I could feel the tears suddenly stinging my cheeks, and was aware that Kurt was trying to remove the rest of my clothing.

“Stop, Kurt,” I told him. “We have to stop.”

At first I don’t think he heard me, or maybe he didn’t want to hear me as he continued to pull my undershirt upward.

“Please Kurt, I…can’t do this…I thought I could but I can’t. Please stop.” That time he heard me, and he undoubtedly saw the tears that were now flowing freely. He sat up and I hurried off the bed.

He stood up and put his arm around me but I brushed it away. He had been quite worked up and I knew he was trying to gain control. I wish he had been angry with me. I wish he had told me what a tease I was and why did I go this far and back out. I wish he had told me that he hated me. But he didn’t.

“It’s okay, Laurie,” he told me. “It’s okay if you’re not ready. I can wait. I love you enough that I can wait. I just thought you wanted to do this.”

“You don’t understand Kurt. I….I….won’t ever be able to, not with you!”

“What do you mean, Laurie? I don’t understand. If you’re waiting for marriage, I can understand that. It’s just enough to know that you love me.”

And that made it that much more difficult. I could lie to neither him nor myself any longer.

“No Kurt!” I literally shouted at him and he stepped back. “I don’t love you. I don’t love you like you want me to. Not that kind of love. I can’t love you like that, not you or any man. NOT EVER!”

“What do you mean, Laurie? Now you’re not making any sense.”

“DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND KURT?” I shouted at him. “DON’T YOU KNOW? I’M GAY!”

For the first time in my life I had said the words. When the thought had entered my mind so often over the years I had laughed it off, put it aside, lied about it, because I was unable to accept it or even think such a thing. I don’t know if I had meant to scream it at Kurt or not, but they had been spoken and they were now in the open. There was no turning back.


“Laurie, don’t joke like that,” he told me.

“It’s not a joke, Kurt! Do I look like I’m laughing? Look at me, Kurt. This is who I am. I can’t love you or any man in that way.”

He stood looking at me, and the stunned blank look on his face told me everything I needed to know. His concern quickly turned into anger and I knew he had finally believed what I had just said.


“Geezus, Laurie! How could you do it? Was it a game? Was I just a toy to full around with? Was it a joke? WHAT WAS IT, LAURIE! Did you want to see how foolish you could make me look?”

“No Kurt, it wasn’t like that it wasn’t like that at all. I thought I could love you. I wanted to love you. You have to believe that.”

“Right, Laurie. You’re gay but you wanted to fall in love with a guy. Do you think I’m stupid? Well, obviously I am since I fell in love with a lesbian.” He was almost hateful when he said it.

“It wasn’t like that, Kurt! I….I…didn’t ask to be this way. I didn’t choose it. Do you think I chose to be gay and have the kids torture me the way they did Norma? Do you think I chose to be gay and never be allowed to marry? Do you think I chose to be gay so people could point at me, ridicule me, and treat me like a second class citizen? I wanted to be like everybody else! I tried to be like everybody else!”

“Do you expect me to feel sorry for you, after what you’ve done to me? After leading me on for months, knowing how much I love you? I won’t and I can’t.”

“I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t want anybody’s sympathy. But don’t judge me for doing what you and every other damn kid in that school does. Isn’t that what you told me that very first day that you came over to my house? Didn’t you say, “You do what you have to in order to get by. You go along to get along. Well I did that, and it doesn’t work Kurt. I couldn’t be something I’m not.”

I hurriedly began to put my dress back on. It was difficult through the tears.

“I didn’t say you use people to do it, Laurie. You used me! You used me in the worst possible way!”


“No Kurt, I didn’t use you. I convinced myself I was just everyone else. I wanted to love you, I tried to love you. So if I used you, it was only because I thought I could do those things. Is it any different than why you hang out with Chuck? You don’t like him, but you hang out with him so you can be a big shot. What’s the damn difference? At least I did care about you. Do you think Chuck really gives a damn if you’re his friend or not?”

“At least Chuck isn’t some faggot, you gawddamn dyke” he said point blank.

I didn’t say a word to him but when he said that I hated him for it. Instead I ran down the stairs and out of the house. The street was pitch black, only occasionally lit up by the lightning off in the distance. I ran down the street and I could hear his voice calling me telling me to wait. But I didn’t care. I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t want to be with him, nor did I want to talk to him.


And I continued to run. I wasn’t sure where I was running to but I didn’t care. A breeze had begun to kick up and I could hear the roar of thunder off in the distance. But I kept on running relentlessly, the tears streaming down my face unabated.

It was as if I could run into a different world away from the harsh realities of my own. By Monday everybody in school would know, and they would hate me as much as they had Norma. And Gail, what would she say? Would she hate me too? And how could I face my parents? I continued to run as if possessed.

I don’t know how, and I don’t know why but somehow I ended up at Westwood Cemetery. The gate was closed and locked, so I climbed the fence. Although I had long ago had ceased running, my breath was coming in huge uncontrollable gasps, and my sobbing continued unabated.

When I reached Emily’s grave I sat on the ground. I felt a light rain beginning to fall and the lightning was now continuing to light up the sky. My breath was coming in huge gasps from the running, and my sobbing continued unabated.

“Mom, please help me,” I sobbed, as if magically my long deceased mother would appear to take me away. I buried my face in my hands.


And then, the clouds began to open up completely and the drizzle became a down pour. I didn’t care. I laid on the ground by my sister sobbing, my tears mixing with the rain that was soaking the ground. I began to shiver, as the November rain was cold in its intensity. But I paid it no mind. For as I lay there, I only knew one thing and one thing only. At that moment, I wanted to die.



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