The Kid & Me: Chapter Six: Matters of Life and Death

For certain is death for the born
And certain is birth for the dead;
Therefore over the inevitable
Thou shouldst not grieve - Bhagavad Gita,


Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life - John Muir


"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it." - Richard L. Evans


"How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life, wouldn't you say?" – James T. Kirk

In the world in which we live in, tragedy comes in many different ways. September 11, 2001 was a great tragedy just as Pearl Harbor was, just as those countless millions who have died in hurricanes, earthquakes, tidal waves, famines, plagues and those catastrophes created by man himself since the beginning of time. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers have lost their lives fighting for this country in a civil war, two world wars, Viet Nam, Korea, Iraq, and Afghanistan. It seems to be a never ending tragedy. Yet, these catastrophic events in the history of man will a hundred years from now be viewed upon dispassionately from the pages of a history book, just as a student now views the Revolutionary War over two hundred years later.

There is no doubt that we all view the all of these events and so many others as great tragedys. Yet, we will never experience the loss as deep or in the same way as those who did lose a loved one in these events, be it a father, a mother, a sister or brother, a grandparent, a grandchild or even a close friend. We send men and women off to die in war, and we talk about their great sacrifice but until we experience the loss of a loved one first hand, do we really have an understanding of what that loss means?

I had already lived most of my life and had never thought of the possibility or experienced the pain of losing someone close to me. When my father died, he was a much a stranger to me as the average guy standing at a bus stop, the waiter who serves us our dinner, the woman in the ticket booth at the theater or the countless thousands of other nameless faces we meet as we go through our daily lives. Dag's accident in the pool had only given me an inkling of what it might be to lose someone close to me, as if it were somehow foreshading the future. As Lawyer Daggett spoke to me over the phone that day, and related the details of Susan’s story, I felt my body go numb. I wanted to hang up the phone, as if somehow turning his voice off would make the events he were relating to me disappear.


Susan had taken a job working at the law firm of Schroeder & McMahon in Columbus, Ohio. Jay Daggett was a junior partner and Susan was hired as a legal assistant. From the day she started work for Shroeder & McMahon, she an exemplary employee, always outgoing always kind, great with the clients and worked harder than anybody on the staff. Daggett had struck up an immediate friendship with her, and they would often have lunches together or sometimes just take in a movie once a week. Susan had said her intention was to eventually get accepted into law school and get a degree. "Better late than never," she had joked with Daggett.

Then, after just three months on the job things began to change. Susan had started being late for work. She seemed to draw inward, and seldom talked to anyone anymore about any subject unless it was totally job related.

Daggett said she began to make excuses whenever he would ask her to lunch, and likewise bowed to previous appointments whenever he would ask about a movie. Then one afternoon, after she had been very late again, she stayed to finish some work long after everyone else had gone home.

It was on that day that Daggett had returned to the office to find Susan sitting at her desk, crying. He asked her what was wrong but she had just shook her head telling him it was nothing, and that everything was okay.

He went over to her and gave her some Kleenex and she finally stood up. According to Daggett, she had probably tired of trying to hide her secret but before talking to Jay, she said she could only do it if he agreed to listen as her attorney, not as her friend

Several weeks earlier she had begun awakening nauseous every morning. At first she wanted to blame it on an upset stomach but as it continued there was no doubt in her mind that she was pregnant. She also knew that Jim couldn't possibly be the father. Susan told Daggett that it had been six months since they had done anything because they had been in constant battle with each other, and even then she had always insisted that Jim use protection. It was at that point that Susan told Daggett what had happened that night with me, just two nights before she had left.

And an in home pregnancy test had confirmed her worst fears. She was indeed pregnant!
Then she began having headaches. She was sure they were migraines, being brought on by the stress of her situation. Yet, they continued to get worse. The headaches had reached the point where they were unbearable. She tried every pain pill she could think of but nothing seemed to work. The headaches were the reason she had begun missing work and being late. Sometimes they were so bad; she could hardly climb out of bed.

And then, just that very morning, while getting ready for work, she had blacked out completely falling to the floor unconscious. She had laid there for several hours before awakening. She was afraid, afraid of what was happening to her, afraid that she would once again lose her child as she had so many years earlier.

Daggett asked her if she had been to the doctor yet. Susan shook her head negatively, said she had made an appointment with an obstetrician but that it would be a couple of weeks before she could get in to see him. Daggett immediately picked up the phone, made some phone calls and using his influence, was able to get her an appointment with a specialist the very next day. They ran a battery of tests lasting several days, not only for the pregnancy but to find out what was causing the headaches and the blackouts. Just one week later, Susan received an urgent phone call from the doctors's office asking for her to come in as soon as possible. She asked Daggett to go with her.

It was Dr. Hanley who confirmed what Susan and Daggett already knew. She was indeed pregnant. There was however another problem. Susan had a brain tumor, at the base of the brain. A biopsy would confirm if it was malignant, but from the size and the way it had developed, Dr. Hanley had little doubt that it was. He told her that because of it's location, they may be able to remove part of it, but she would also require Chemo-therapy and radiation treatments.

Susan asked what were the chances of her baby surviving if she had the operation and the treatment. The doctor told her the chances were almost none, that in order for herself to have any chance to survive she would almost certainly have to abort the fetus.

"And what are the chances of carrying the baby to term, if I don't have the operation?," she asked him.

Doctor Hanley had shook his head. "Only about 50 - 50 at best,” he told her . “Everything would have to go exactly perfect for you to even have that much of a chance. That is, if you yourself survive the tumor that long. Surely you aren't considering trying to have the baby?"

"Not only am I considering it, Doctor Hanley," Susan told him, "I've already decided. There will be no abortion, and I will have this child. I don't give a damn what happens to me but this baby will be born. I've already lost one child, I won't lose another."

Both Dr. Hanley and Daggett had pleaded with her to reconsider. After all, there was no guarantee that she or the child would survive if she didn't let them treat her. At least let them try to save her life.

"Dr. Hanley," she had told him. "I know you aren't going to agree with or understand my decision, nor will anybody else for that matter. What happens to me is unimportant. I want you, as my doctor, to do your best to see that I live long enough to have this child."

Dr. Hanley was silent for a long time before answering her. "Miss Dale, as your physician I can't agree with your decision, but if that is your choice. I will do what I can. I have to tell you that you won't be able to work any longer to have any chance at succeeding. You're going to become very ill and extremely weak. I can give you some medication for the headaches, but it's only a token measure at best. You'll need to get as much rest as possible. I can only hope that you reconsider, but it will have to be soon. Each day that you delay, lessens the chance of success at treating you. I hope that Jay will try to convince you to save your own life."

"Thank you Doctor Hanley. I appreciate all your help and your concern. But my mind is made up. I will have this child."

Outside the Medical Center, Susan was quiet for a long time. Daggett said that he was at a loss as to what to say to her. Daggett had finally told her she should at least contact me since I was the father of the child.

Susan told him that I was not to be called under any circumstances, that she knew I would do everything I could to convince her to let the doctors operate. If she should survive the pregnancy, then she would contact me herself. If she didn't survive, than Dagget could contact me upon her passing.

"I don't want Joe watching me die," she told him. "I can't do that to him and he would only blame himself"

Dagget said he did his best to try and convince her otherwise, but it was fruitless. Finally she did ask him for one thing, and that was to be her friend. For the next two months, as Susan grew steadily weaker, Daggett stayed with her as often as he could, looking after her needs.

Sometimes she would just lay quietly with her eyes closed while he would read to her. At other times, on the good days, they would talk, or watch television or play a few hands of cards. With each passing day she became weaker, the headaches and blackouts more frequent. Finally, in September, no longer hardly able to function on her own, she entered the hospital.

Daggett took a leave of absence from the Law office to help take care of her. Every once in a while he would try to convince her to call me but Susan was adamant in her resolve. Daggett said that he did his best, but they were long days of loneliness for Susan. The only thing that kept her going was the child she was carrying.

And sometimes she would lay lost in thought for the longest times. At other times she would spend hours talking to the child inside of her, rubbing her stomach, telling the baby inside her stories about herself, Frank, and me, as if the child could hear everything she was saying. What she never did talk to the child about was Jim or her parents.

Towards the end of November, it became apparent that Susan would not survive another full month. Just three days before he called me, Dr. Hanley took the baby by Caesarian. It was a girl, a healthy girl that Susan called Laurie. Yesterday, she had slipped into unconsciousness, and had not awakened. That was when Daggett finally called me, because he couldn't stand the thought of her dying alone, without someone that she knew and cared about. I told him I would take the first flight out that I could and would send him a text message letting him know of my arrival time. Daggett said he would meet me at the airport.

Bettie was waiting for me when I hung up the phone. She had sensed something was extremely wrong. As quickly as I could I told her what had happened.

"I don't know how long I'll be gone," I told her. My voice was almost monotone. I was feeling nothing. "It won't be a problem will it?"

"Of course not," she answered. "We'll be okay."

If you need help with anything or have to go somewhere you can call Frank or Arcadia." I felt like the kid wanted to say something to me, anything, but the events I had told I'll write you a check that you can get cashed. It'll more than take care of anything you and Dag may need. A day earlier, it was as if our lives were heading in a certain, steady, fulfilling direction. Now, there was nothing but uncertainty. Then as an afterthought I told her that if Frank or anybody asked where I was, tell them I had to go out of town to meet with an attorney. Then she wouldn't have to lie.

I hurried to the computer to quickly book myself a flight. There would be one leaving at 1 p.m. for Las Vegas, with a connection to Columbus. I quickly booked it. While Bettie went to the closet to pack my suitcase for me, I took a shower. The water ran over me in strong hard hot pellets, but it didn't make me feel anything. The only thought I had, the only one that occupied every crevice of my brain was that my lifelong friend was dying, and I was responsible.

When I entered the living room. I took Dag onto my lap, and gave her a big hug.

"Dag," I told her, "Do you remember my friend in the painting, the one that used to hang in your room?" She nodded affirmatively. "She is very sick, and I need to go see her and be with her for a while."

"Is she sick like mommy?" Dag asked.

"Yes, she is," I answered. "So I want you to be very good for Bettie while I'm gone. I'll be home as soon as I can."

Dag seemed uncertain, and I know she was having her doubts. This was the first time I would be leaving since she had entered my life.

"I hope your friend gets better," Dag said. "I'll ask God to help her when I say my prayers."

"You do that, sweetie. I said giving her a hug. Outside a horn honked, letting me know my taxi had arrived. Outside, when I reached the cab, I bent and gave Dag a kiss. She gave me a long hug, as if someway, somehow, that might help. On some days, it would have, but not on this day.

As I reached the cab, Dag stayed close behind, while Bettie stood at the doorway. I couldn't even begin to think what thoughts were going through her head. When Charlene had jumped out at us at the restaurant that had been a minor consequence of the carefree and uncaring life I had led. Now my carelessness had caught up with me, with a vengeful demand for payment for one of my mistakes. And Susan was the one who was paying the price.

I text messaged my arrival time to Daggett, and just as he said he was there to greet me at the airport, and from there we shared a cab to the hospital. He seemed to be a congenial fellow, and although he had the look of an ambulance chaser, it was apparent that there was much more to him then that. Still, I hardly spoke while he filled me in on the thirty minute ride to the hospital.

"Susan's instructions are very precise and explicit," he told me. "Her parents will not be notified until after her death, nor will Jim. Nor will her parents be told about the child. You are to take sole custody of Laurie. If there is any question about paternity, a DNA test can clear it up but Susan doesn't expect there to be a problem in that regards. She has written Jim a letter which I will send by special courier upon her passing. She doesn't want a funeral. She wants to be cremated and her ashes scattered along the Olentangy River."

I simply nodded. It all seemed cold and efficient. After a particularly long silence, Daggett spoke again.

"Joe, I've tried as hard to understand Susan's decision. She's never offered an explanation. It just doesn't make sense, she had so much to offer."

I knew Daggett wanted an answer, but I'm not sure I knew the answer any more than he did. "Susan had a difficult childhood, Mr. Daggett. When she became pregnant during our senior year and then lost the child, her parents made her feel as if it was her fault for being a "sinner." Susan wanted that first child more than anything, and the way her parents treated her made her feel that much guiltier about it. I think because of the way they brought her up, she may have subconsciously have thought her sins had caused the death of Madge and maybe she thought this would somehow wash that sin away. Susan had an extremely difficult childhood, Daggett, and it left a lot of scars. I don't know if that's the answer you're looking for but that's the best I can do."

"I think I understand at least a little," Daggett answered softly but I wasn't sure he did.

Upon our arrival at the hospital we stopped at the nurse's station where Dagget introduced me as a friend of Susan's and as Laurie's father. It felt strange to hear me referred to as the father of a child I hadn't met or seen, or was even aware of it's existence less than twelve hours earlier. The badge on her uniform said her name was Christina Walker.

"I'm afraid she still hasn't awaken, Mr. Daggett. Dr. Hanley says she may not." Then Nurse Walker looked at me, and I know it was probably my imagination, but I felt as if her eyes were burning the words murderer into my forehead. "At least she was able to see her child, even if it was for such a short time."

Daggett took me to Susan's room, telling me he would wait outside and leave me alone for a while. I was grateful, but I was apprehensive. Perhaps if she did awaken Susan wouldn't want to see me. At that point, I wasn't sure of anything.

Quietly I crept into the darkened room. Despite everything that Daggett had told me, I was totally unprepared. This was not Susan that lay in this bed.

The Susan I had grown up with, the Susan that had been a part of my life for so long was alive, happy and vivacious. The woman lying in this bed could not be her. But it was her, and denial would not change that. Susan had always been a thin person, now she looked almost skeletal. Her face was pale and gaunt, completely drained of any color. The life force that she had once exuberated had been drained from her existence. I thought of the months of pain she had endured. Pain brought on by my own weaknesses, pain to be added to all that she had suffered while growing up. For this, Susan was paying the ultimate price.

I pulled up a chair and sat down. Her breathing was shallow, almost undetectable. At one point, I reached up and caressed her forehead. She felt cold to the touch, but she didn't stir. I was glad she wasn't aware of my presence. With the darkness of unconsciousness there was a relief from the savagery of the pain she had endured.

Occasionally, Daggett would wander in and sit with me, but we didn't speak. I wonder if he also thought I was to blame for this. It didn't matter, though. I would have been willing to lay down my own life so that she could have hers back, so that she could be alive and find the happiness she had been searching for these many years.

Occasionally a nurse would come in and check her pulse, and her breathing. Once or twice they asked me if they could get me a drink or something, or if I wanted to go to the cafeteria. I just nodded my head negatively.

The day turned into night. The minutes and hours went by as if each tick of the clock was taking Susan closer to eternity. One nurse said the chances of her ever regaining consciousness were small. Again, I simply nodded, this time affirmatively.

And then finally, almost magically, her eyes opened. Not very far but they opened.

She vainly tried to raise herself up from the pillow but immediately fell back down. She looked at me, then blinked.

"I thought I was dreaming," she said. Her voice was almost a whisper, but it was clear. "You weren't suppose to be here. I didn't want you to see me like this."

"You don't look so bad," I offered. "you look like you could get up and do a few rounds on the dance floor." She smiled weakly.

"Always trying to cheer me up. Did you see our daughter?" she asked.

"No, I'll see her in a little while. I promise."

Susan must have seen the anguish written on my face. "Joe, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault. Sometimes things like this just happen. Promise me you won't blame yourself."

I had never lied to Susan in my life. Not once. But now I did, and I did my best to make her believe me. "I won't. I promise." She smiled, and I was glad I had succeeded.

"Jay's a good guy, Joe. He's going to take care of everything"

"Yeah, I kind of figured him to be one of the good guys. I'm glad he's been here for you, Susan."

"You'll take good care of Laurie for me won't you Joe? You need someone in your life." There was no way that Susan could have known about Dag or Bettie or the many changes that had occurred since she had left.

"Yes, I'll take care of her," I said. "Don't worry about that."

Susan became silent for a long time. I thought she had slipped back into unconsciousness as she had once again closed her eyes. She opened them again.

"Joe, you've been the best friend ever. I love you, Joe."

"I love you too, Susan. If it hadn't been for you, I might not have made it through my childhood," I said it softly, again she smiled weakly.

"Joe, come here. I want you to be close to me." I stood up from the chair and gently walked towards her.

I reached out and caressed her face. Her breathing was becoming labored.

"Joe," she whispered. "Tell Laurie, that I love her, tell her that everyday, Joe. Tell her I'm sorry I couldn't be here for her." Susan closed her eyes, took a deep breath and without saying another word, she was gone. She had left my life forever, and entered into a world in which she could hopefully find the peace that had so eluded her here on earth.

I stood back up. I don't know how long I stood there, unable to move, unable to accept the fact that she no longer inhabited the lifeless body on the bed.

I pressed the nurses button. Then ever so gently I leaned down and whispered to her.

"Goodbye Susan, my love. You will always be in my mind and in my heart"

And then I kissed her. Ever so gently. Ever so softly.

I turned and stared out the window. Unwilling and no longer wanting to face the days that lay ahead. The world foreen taken awayme had become a vacuum, the life sucked out of it by my own failures. I heard the door open, and the nurse entered the room, walking immediately over to the bed.

I slowly walked toward the door, and as I reached it, I looked back one last time as the nurse pulled the blanket up over Susan's now lifeless body.

I walked down to the nursery, so that I could at least fulfill one of my promises. Inside were three infants, and Nurse Taylor whom I had met earlier. One of the cribs had a card on it that read:

Baby Girl: Laurie Pendleton Baker.

Susan had given the child her maiden name. I read the card again as if somehow I could instantly make a connection with the sleeping child but I could not nor did I want to.

I watched as Nurse Taylor walked over to the crib and began to lift the baby out. I don't know if she was taking Laurie out for me to see her better. I didn't stay long enough to find out, and instead walked to the outside sitting area which thankfully had no other visitors. I wanted to be alone. I don't know how long I stood there when I heard the door open and footsteps come up from behind me. It was Daggett.

He stood there next to me, not speaking. Nor did I bother to greet him. I was grateful for what he had done for Susan over the past eight months, but they were eight months of her life that I should have been a part of, as I had been for so many years.

When the silence was finally broken it was Daggett who broke it.

"Did she awaken?" was all he asked.

I nodded.

"Did she say anything, anything at all," he continued. I knew he was wanting and needed to know. And for all he had done he deserved to know. Yet, I didn't want to talk, didn't want to speak. I only wanted to be alone.

"She said you were one of the good guys," I finally told him. Daggett smiled faintly at that.

"Susan, always thinking of someone else," he said, a slight smile crossing her face. "She was such a remarkable woman." I nodded.

I turned to look out over the hospital parking lot again, but Daggett continued to talk.

"I know this is very difficult for you, but I need you to come to my office tomorrow and sign some papers. Most of them have to do with Laurie. Will you be able to?" I nodded affirmatively. Daggett lingered for a while, as if waiting for me to say something. Finally he turned to walk away.

"Were you in love with Susan, Daggett?" I asked him without turning around.

"Susan was the bravest person I have ever known. I watched everyday as she fought her way through the pain just so she could stay alive long enough to deliver her child. I know very few people that have even an ounce of the courage she had."

Daggett opened the entryway to the hospital hallway, and turned back to me once again. I turned to look at him. He could hold it back no longer, and tears began to run freely down his cheek.

"Yes..Joe, I loved Susan." And then he was gone.

As for myself there were no tears. Shame and guilt had engulfed every inch of me. I don't know how long I stood there standing outside the hospital, it may have been minutes, or it may have been hours. I wanted to feel pain, anger, anything. All I felt was a total sense of emptiness. When I finally did leave, it was to go inside to call Bettie.

When she answered, she seemed to be surprised that I was calling so soon. And her first question was the most difficult to answer.

"How's Susan, Joe." she asked. I swallowed hard.

"She's gone," was all I could manage. I continued speaking, so as not to give her the chance to say anything else. "I need you to do a few things, Bettie. I need you to call Frank. Tell him what happened."

"How much should I tell, him?" She sounded surprised.

"Everything. Don't hold anything back. I need for you to go buy whatever it is an infant baby might need. Don't worry about how much you're spending, I'll call the bank and have them give you what cash you need. Make sure you get a crib, and a baby bed. Get another bedroom outfit for yourself. Have them put everything upstairs in the remodeled bedrooms. Get Frank or Nick to help you. See if Arcadia can take care of Dag while you do this. I know I'm asking a lot of you, so I'll understand if you can't do it."

"I can handle it," she answered. "What do you want me to tell Dag?"

I didn't answer right away. The question told me that Bettie understood my instructions to her meant I was bringing Laurie home. I had no answer for her, and Dag would be filled with a million questions when I arrived home carrying a baby.

"Explain it to her the best that you can. Dag will understand. You've always had a knack for talking to her about the difficult things. Tell her I love her, and I'll be home in a day or so."

"Okay, Joe. I'll handle everything, so don't worry about it. And Joe, I'm sorry about Susan."

"Thanks, kid. Thanks for taking care of all of this for me. See you in a couple of days." And I hung up the phone.

I rode the elevator downstairs and took up residency on a park bench overlooking the grounds. I knew I should leave. Yet, the thought of departing the grounds was abhorrent, as if such a thing would be separate myself from Susan's memory. Darkness fell, and finally I left, taking a cab back to a downtown motel near the offices of Schroeder & McMahon where I was to meet with Daggett. And after I lay in the bed for what seemed like an eternity, I knew there would be no sleep. So I went walking out into the night, not returning until the next morning when it was time to meet with Daggett. Upon doing so, I thanked him for everything and signed the papers without reading them. It was then that he told me of Susan’s request. The existence of Laurie’s grandparents was to be kept from her as long as possible. She absolutely did not want them having any contact with their granddaughter. I simply nodded that I understood, and then shook his hand telling him if there was anything he needed to call me. I returned to the Hotel and stayed there until the following afternoon when it was time to pick up Laurie.

The stewardesses on the flight home were very helpful. I knew absolutely nothing about taking care of an infant although the nurses at the hospital had given me a suitcase full of things for her that Susan had asked them to get before Laurie was born. I think they would have done it without her asking. By the time we landed in Devonshire, the sun had begun to set. One of the stewardesses carried Laurie for me while I picked up our bags and went to the front of the airport to get a cab. It was a short cab drive from the airport to my house, and when we arrived, Bettie and Dag must have been keeping watch because they rushed out to greet us.

Dag was up past her bedtime, but she was in her pajamas. She could hardly contain her excitement.

"Oh daddy, she's beautiful. I got a little sister!! I always wanted a baby sister. Can I see her! Let me see her!" I hadn't slept since before I left and I was anxious to shower and climb into bed.

As I handed Laurie to her, Dag began jumping up and down.

"Let me see her, Bettie. Let me see! Pleeeeeeaase!,"

I watched for a moment as Bettie held the baby out for Dag to see. She immediately began talking to her and playing peek-a-boo. Laurie looked at Dag as if to say, "And who might you be?"

And that's how I left them as I hurried into the house. My body was beginning to ache so I quickly unpacked my suitcase and went to shower. I stayed in the shower until the hot water was almost gone. Then I quickly changed into a pair of pajamas and came back out into the living room.

Dag was all smiles. As I bent down to get my goodnight kiss.

"She's beautiful, daddy. Do I have to go to school tomorrow? I want to help Bettie take care of Laurie! Bettie and Uncle Frank, and Nick, made Laurie's room real nice, and I helped."

"Yeah, baby, I'm afraid you do have to go to school. But you can help when you get home and the next day is Saturday so you'll have all day to help Bettie with Laurie"

"Do you want to look at Laurie's room?" Bettie asked.

I shook my head. "I'll see it tomorrow. I haven't slept since I left. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you for all of this."

Bettie frowned. "You don't have to repay me for anything," she said. "You know I was more than glad to do it."

"How did Frank take the news about Susan?" I asked.

"He was quite upset," Bettie answered then added quickly, "Not about what happened between you two but because of her dying without him having been able to see her, and because he hadn't kept in touch with her even before she left town. But he'll be okay. Will you?"

I nodded affirmatively. "I'll be fine. It'll take a few days but I'll be okay. Thanks again for everything Bettie." I hurried off to the bedroom, positive I had convinced Bettie of absolutely nothing.


I don't know how long I lay there in the dark. At times I would fall asleep for a few minutes but then I would dream. I would dream that I was on trial for murder, and the jury was made up of every woman I had used to satisfy my own selfish lustful needs throughout my life. And the verdict was Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty as charged for the murder of Susan Dale.

I wasn't the only one having trouble sleeping. Although Laurie was quiet, I could hear Bettie moving about upstairs every once in a while. I thought perhaps she was having difficulty sleeping in her own bed again since she had become so used to bunking in with Dag. If I listened closely, I could almost hear the music coming from her radio.

Finally, when it became silent, my watch said three a.m. I knew there would be no sleep for me and decided to go for a walk. I quickly dressed, but as I did I thought I heard Bettie stirring upstairs again.

And as I walked away from the house, I thought I also had heard the front door open but I didn't look back to make sure. And as I had done in Columbus I walked until my legs would carry me no further.

Eventually I found myself walking past the Fashion Sense. It seemed as if it had been ages since I had spent the day there reluctantly shopping with Bettie and Dag. But it had only been six short months at the most. So many things had happened in those six months, so many changes.

I thought about Dag, and how she had become so much a part of my life. And I thought about Bettie, and the love I now had for her. How could I ask her to accept me now? Asking her to live with the fact that I had slept with so many woman, was one thing, but to ask her to be able to live with the fact that a woman had died because of me was quite another. And even if she could, who was I to ask her to do so? How would that be fair? And on top of that, could I really ask her to raise a second child that was the result of such a murderous affair?

But most of all I thought about Susan, and how much I would miss her. We had been inseparable friends for so long, sticking by each other through one crisis after another. I thought about her life, and how her parents had been so harsh and cruel to her.

And I had nothing but hatred in my heart for them. Then there was the child, Laurie. Her existence, the fact that she was my flesh and blood, was a concept that I still couldn't face up to. All I could think about was that the price for her entering this world was more than anybody should have had to pay, especially Susan. Yes Susan had made the decision, but it was a decision she should never have been forced into and for that I was as responsible as if I had personally placed the tumor in her brain. By the time I left the front of The Fashion Sense, it was well past dawn.

When I finally returned home, Bettie was in the kitchen feeding Laurie. Dag had already left for school.

"I'll be finished feeding Laurie in a minute," she said. "Would you like me to fix you some breakfast? I was getting worried about you."

"I just went for a walk and walked a little bit further than I had planned," I answered. "No thanks on the breakfast though. I'll eat something later. How's the baby?"

"The baby's just fine. She slept well last night and hasn't fussed at all. I had trouble convincing Dag to get ready for school, though. She wanted to stay home with Laurie. Would you like to try and feed her?" I shook my head negatively.

"I'll feed her later...I've got some work to do outside." I exited out the back door, grabbed some hedge trimmers out of the tool shed and headed to the front yard to go to work.

The shrubs were in bad shape. Ericka had been more lackadaisical than usual in trimming them. Although that wasn't the real reason, I was doing it. I was doing it because it occupied time, and helped to distract my thoughts. And for the next two weeks, that's what I did. I did everything I could to occupy my thoughts. I did finally sleep from sheer exhaustion, but I never slept for more than a couple of hours at a time before my nightmares would again awaken me.

During the nights, if I were too tired to walk, I would sometimes sit out by the pond. On one particular evening after Dag and Laurie were fast asleep, Bettie came out and pretended to be looking through the telescope. We hadn't had a decent conversation since my return. I knew she was trying to find a way to get me to talk. She had been very patient with me, but I began to sense that her tolerance level was beginning to wane and eventually she did come over to the bench and sit next to me.

"You know, you should start thinking about getting a pediatrician for Dag and Laurie," she said.

"You're right," I said. "I just haven't been thinking clearly. Why don't you see if you can't find one tomorrow that we can take the girls to?" I thought she was stifling a sigh, but I wasn't sure.

"Okay, sure, I can do that. Do you want me to find a dentist for Dag also? She hasn't been since she got here so she's probably way past due for that."

"Sure, that'll be fine. I don't think Dag will like that too much though."

Bettie laughed, and I was glad of that. It had been a long time since I had made her laugh. "No, she probably won't. She's been great with Laurie though. Whenever I change her diaper, give her a bath or feed her she's always right there with me. You should let me start showing you how to do some of those things also, in case of an emergency or something, or in case I should have to go out or something."


"You're right," I told her. "Of course you're right. I guess I've been kind of selfish. You do need time to some things of your own. I shouldn't expect you to have to stay here twenty-four hours a day seven days a week."

"Oh no!" she answered quickly. "It's not that at all. I love taking care of the girls. Laurie has hardly been any trouble at all. It's just that even I may get sick or something sometime, with a cold or flu so we should be prepare."

"I'll let you start giving me lessons in diaper changing and bottle feeding then," I said. We sat quietly for a few minutes as if she were waiting for me to renew the conversation. When I did not, she got up and walked quietly back to the house.

After she left, I did as I often did, and walked out by the pond. It wasn't much of a pond, just a small one. It did help me remember one particular summer day though when Susan had come over. We both had had a little too much to drink, and had jumped into the murky waters, clothes and all. We had a good laugh about it, especially with me having an Olympic pool in the house. Susan said by swimming in the pond we were getting back to nature. Frequently it was little things like that which often occupied my thoughts.


Despite my promise to let Bettie show me how to take care of Laurie, I made no effort to get her to do so. And just as it had been with Dag, I could sense the growing affection Bettie had for the child, and also just like Dag, she began to think of the child as her own.

I never thought of any particular woman as being especially molded to be the motherly type . I just figured that if they wanted to, they would be and that's all there was to it. Yet, to see Bettie become so attached to two children so quickly, neither that she had given birth to made me believe that when it came to Children, for some reason Bettie had been especially gifted. I guess Frank had been right when he called her a born nester.

Sometimes I would see her standing over the crib, watching Laurie sleep. I had often done the same thing with Dag, just wandering into her room to watch her sleep. I had no inclination to do it with Laurie. It was all I could do to look at her at all.

And I began to notice some of the same qualities in Dag. She would stand by the crib either watching Laurie sleep, or if she was awake talking to her and telling her stories.

Finally though, Bettie's patience ran out. I knew this because she began looking for excuses for me to hold Laurie. Would I hold her while she made a few phone calls? Would I hold her while she made lunch? Would I hold her while she helped Dag with her homework? Would I hold her while she cleaned up the house a little? Would I hold her while she took a shower?

And suddenly, Bettie's showers began to take a lot longer, as did everything else on those occasions when she would hand Laurie to me. Often when I felt she was intentionally taking too long I would take Laurie upstairs to her crib and place her in it. I tried to avoid doing it as much as possible because what it earned me was a dirty look from Bettie, who would then stomp very loudly up the stairs to retrieve Laurie.

On one particular day while I was browsing through the paper Bettie came in with Laurie in tow. I seldom read it as thoroughly as I had used to, not even the stock market.

"It's time," she said.

I looked up. "Time for what?" I asked looking up somewhat puzzled.

"Time for you to learn the joys of changing a crappy diaper. Now is as good a time as any. Follow me." She headed toward the stair case. It was not a request, it was an order. I sighed and folded up the paper.


When I arrived upstairs Bettie was already at the changing table, unfastening Laurie's diaper.

"It's not that hard,” she said, “and watch carefully because you're going to have to do this sooner or later." As she finished removing the diaper, a pungent odor began to fill the room.

"Geezus, Bettie," I said. "How can you stand that smell," I said as I grabbed my nose.

"You'll get used to it," she said. I could only think that this was a smell that would never grow on me or that I would get used to, just as I had never gotten use to the acrid oder coming from the Dairy Farms scattered all over California. One minute you would be breathing the hot desert air, the next minute you would be breathing the stinky hot desert air. If forced to decide between having to smell a ton of cow manure, or the load out of Laurie's diaper, I would have chosen the cows by a landslide.

I watched as she put what seemed to be a ton of baby powder on Laurie's bare behind, so much so that a cloud of white dust rose into the air. Yet, when she had finished I couldn't say that I knew anymore about changing a diaper than I had before she started.

The next day it was learn how to give Laurie a bath day. That went no better. As Bettie billed and cooed all over Laurie, I again stood watching dispassionately. It was as if being in the same room as Laurie was a constant reminder of why she was here.

Instead of watching Bettie bathe Laurie, I again found my thoughts wandering. It happened often, but most often when I felt I was being forced into the care and feeding of the baby. At times, I began to wish that I hadn't made the promise to Susan to take care of the child. Laurie was and always would be a reminder to me of my failings, and the price her mother had paid because of it. But I felt I had kept my promise. Laurie was being taken care of. While Bettie was shampooing Laurie's bald head for some reason that I couldn't figure out, I slipped quietly down the stairs and changed into my bathing suit then headed for the pool.

I began to dive and after each dive I would quickly swim to the ladder, climb out and dive again. It was as if I were hoping the pool water would somehow wash away my sins.

On about my fifth dive I noticed that Bettie had come in carrying Dag. I tried to act like I didn't see her, and continued diving. Just as I hit the water, I heard the door to the pool area slam shut and when I came up for air she had left. I don't know how many times I jumped off the springboard by the time I finished but it was probably twice as many as I had ever done at any one time. As for Bettie, she hardly spoke to me the rest of the night.

The next afternoon, I was once again reading the paper while Dag sat beside me doing her homework. Bettie had just returned from putting Laurie back into her crib.

"I thought I might see if Arcadia would come over and stay with Laurie while we take Dag to a movie or something." That idea pleased Dag.

"I guess that would be okay," I told her. "I don't really feel up to going but you and Dag should go. I'll ask Arcadia to come over and stay while you two go." Dag's smile turned into a frown, and one began to crease Bettie's face also.

I stood up, to go in the other room. I could sense Bettie's total exasperation and I wanted to get away from her before she became angry. I had never seen Bettie genuinely angry, unless you count her little spat with Charlene.

"That's not what I had in mind," Bettie said. "You haven't wanted to do anything in weeks. I thought it would be nice for the three of us for a change."

"Okay, okay, we'll go," I said. I started to walk away but she stopped me again.

"There's something else," she said.

"It's less than two and a half weeks until Christmas. Dag's been looking forward to it. You need to get a tree and do some Christmas shopping."

"You can take care of it," I told her. "I've never had a tree. I don't know anything about it. I'll give you the money to do some Christmas shopping for her also."

Bettie threw her arms up in the air.

"That's it," she said, louder than I had ever heard her speak before. "I've had it. I can't deal with it anymore. Come outside, I want to talk to you." She didn't bother to wait to see if I wanted to but she headed toward the door. I followed closely behind her out the front door, past Erika who was trimming the hedges and into the side yard.

"Will you just stop it," she said. "Just stop it." She was literally yelling at me.

"Stop what?" I replied.

"Blaming yourself for Susan's death. Dammit Joe, you didn't kill her." I could count on two fingers the number of times I had heard Bettie swear in my entire life. Now it would take three fingers.

"I don't know what you mean," but she knew I was lying.

"Since she died you've done nothing but blame yourself. Okay, you made a mistake, but she had as much if not more to do with what happened as you did."

Bettie was angry, as angry as I had ever seen her. The past two weeks had taken her toll. I began to feel anger rise in me also, but not at her. I was angry at life, angry at the world, angry that Susan had b from me. It was what I had really been feeling since she had died, but I hadn't let it out, and now like a volcano, the pent up emotions began to explode.

"It was not her fault! I should have known better! I should at least have taken precautions just as I always had with every other woman I had slept with. She needed me, yes, but it was my responsibility to do the right thing. I knew she wasn't on the pill because she was allergic to them. I knew that and yet I did nothing."

"So you got drunk," Bettie hollered right back. "And because of it you made a mistake, and Susan got pregnant. It's not the pregnancy that killed her. It was the cancer, can't you see that?"

"But she could have been treated, would have been treated if she hadn't been pregnant! It's my fault she is dead."


"It's not your fault." I was taken aback at how she screamed at me. "You can't hold yourself responsible for the choice she made. You had no way of knowing what she would do. And now you're going to make everyone else pay for it, including myself, Dag, and most of all Laurie. I see it Joe. You can't even stand to be in the same room with her." Her voice was almost a scream now. I hollered right back.

"That child should not be here! That child cost her mother her life!"

"So now what! Are you going to do to Laurie what your father did to you? Are you going to reject her just as your father rejected you from the time your mother died?"

"What do you know about my father! You don't know anything about it!"


"I know enough that you've been lying to yourself your entire life. Your father didn't ignore you because your mother trapped him into marriage. He treated you the way he did because you reminded him of her, each time he looked at you, you reminded him of her! That’s why he wanted no part of you so quit lying to yourself. And now you're doing the same thing to Laurie. Do you want her to suffer the way that you did? Is that what you want?"

And Bettie had nailed the truth in a way that nobody else had. It was the truth that I had kept buried inside of me for all of my life. It was the truth I had never wanted to face. And even now I refused to accept it. The volcano that had erupted inside of me began to spew forth a lava flow of anger. Bettie stood directly in the path.

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY GAWDDAMN FATHER! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM OR ABOUT ME OR ABOUT MY MOTHER! YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE AS TO WHAT IT IS TO GROW UP KNOWING YOUR FATHER HATES YOU! COULD YOU HAVE LIVED WITH THAT? COULD ANYBODY? SO QUIT ACTING AS IF YOU KNOW ME BECAUSE YOU DON'T! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME! I PAY YOU AND PAY YOU WELL TO TAKE CARE OF DAG AND LAURIE, YOU'RE JUST THE GAWDDAMN NANNY, SO JUST SHUT THE HELL UP, GO DO YOUR JOB AND BUTT OUT OF MY LIFE."

If I had taken my fist and rammed it into her jaw, I couldn't have hurt her any worse than my words just had. The look on Bettie's face was one that I would never forget, and tears began to well up in her eyes.


Then silently, without saying a word, she walked towards me. I didn't see her raise her hand until it started coming towards me and she swung full force with hurt and anger.

“You’re such a cold heartless bastard,” she said. She didn’t yell it. She said it as if it was a matter of fact. The blow stung, almost knocking me backwards. I stood there motionless and stunned as Bettie walked away.

She had walked about twenty feet when I began to hear the sobs. Yet, I stood motionless unable to move, not knowing what to do or say to her or to anyone.

Finally I turned, and began walking towards her. But as she sensed me approaching she began to run.

First in a trot, and then she began to run hard and fast and I could still hear the sobs echoing from her. I turned the corner of the house just as she disappeared out of sight. And in doing so I ran directly into Erika Jayapalan.

She wasted no time in approaching me.

"You are such a louse! How could you hurt her like that!" Erika threw her hedge trimmers to the ground. "Find someone else to trim your damn shrubs!" she hollered as she took off towards her truck, squealing the tires as she sped down the street.

And as if matters weren't bad enough, Dag was waiting for me by the front door and was crying uncontrollably. She had seen Bettie run past the house.

"Daddy, why is Bettie crying? Why did she run away?" Dag wailed.


I reached down to lift Dag towards me.

"Because your dad is a jerk, a first class, grade A, number one all time jerk!"

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