(Author's Notes: After having had to ignore Dag for the most part in the Part Six, we once again pick up her story, along with Glenn and Ronnie, as it is their story also. If you've been reading through the blog then you already know that Dag's story is freely adapted from a 1963 film. Some of the older readers may recognize it, others will not. My reasons for cribbing from this particular film for Dag's story have been stated previously, and the name of the film will be revealed after the last part of the story has been uploaded so as not to introduce any spoilers to those in the dark.
As for Laurie's story, it is one hundred percent from my imagination. The exception is that much of her story is based on real life events, and her story here is a composite of many of those events. For instance, the incident regarding the school newspaper in this chapter is loosely based on an actual event that was in the local news at the time of the original writing of the story. However, all of these characters are fictitious and are not meant to resemble any person living or dead. When the story is complete, I will run a summary of the actual events that much of Laurie's life is based on. Of course, certain characters and events mentioned in passing, in particular Scotty Joe Weaver, Judge Roy Moore, and the bar shooting in Roanoke, Virginia are true, and information regarding those can be found on the internet.
For those of you who are a first time visitor and are now interested in reading you may want to start with the beginning of the story and can use the links in the right hand margin to navigate there. Better yet, if you would like to start at the beginning of the story The Kid and Me, which will help you understand many of the early events and references to the past, you can navigate to the beginning of that story by using the links in the right hand margin also. Most pictures are not shown in their original size, but you can enlarge any picture simply by clicking on it. It is not expected that you can read all of this in one sitting, so be prepared to use your bookmarks to return. Thanks again to all of you who have been reading Laurie and Dag, and thanks to you also if this is your first visit. I hope you enjoy the story. You may leave a comment or write to me at Clydesplace@hotmail.com with your thoughts. In this part, both Glenn and Dag find love elsewhere. Laurie seeks counseling, and feels the sting of prejudice for the first time
Oh and before I forget, this story is not recommended for anyone under the age of 13)
As for Laurie's story, it is one hundred percent from my imagination. The exception is that much of her story is based on real life events, and her story here is a composite of many of those events. For instance, the incident regarding the school newspaper in this chapter is loosely based on an actual event that was in the local news at the time of the original writing of the story. However, all of these characters are fictitious and are not meant to resemble any person living or dead. When the story is complete, I will run a summary of the actual events that much of Laurie's life is based on. Of course, certain characters and events mentioned in passing, in particular Scotty Joe Weaver, Judge Roy Moore, and the bar shooting in Roanoke, Virginia are true, and information regarding those can be found on the internet.
For those of you who are a first time visitor and are now interested in reading you may want to start with the beginning of the story and can use the links in the right hand margin to navigate there. Better yet, if you would like to start at the beginning of the story The Kid and Me, which will help you understand many of the early events and references to the past, you can navigate to the beginning of that story by using the links in the right hand margin also. Most pictures are not shown in their original size, but you can enlarge any picture simply by clicking on it. It is not expected that you can read all of this in one sitting, so be prepared to use your bookmarks to return. Thanks again to all of you who have been reading Laurie and Dag, and thanks to you also if this is your first visit. I hope you enjoy the story. You may leave a comment or write to me at Clydesplace@hotmail.com with your thoughts. In this part, both Glenn and Dag find love elsewhere. Laurie seeks counseling, and feels the sting of prejudice for the first time
Oh and before I forget, this story is not recommended for anyone under the age of 13)
~~~33~~~
~~~Narration by Glenn Hamilton~~~
I was glad that for once I hadn’t fumbled the ball when Dag had invited me into her apartment. I don’t know what it was about Dag, but it seemed any time I got any where near her I’d suddenly turn into a complete idiot. What made it worse was that in few minutes that I had spent in her apartment, after she told me about her upbringing, it kind of shot my theory that Dag was a spoiled and rich brat who never worked hard for anything all to hell. Rich, yes, but hardly spoiled.
Besides, I had been feeling quite sheepish about trying to avoid her all the time, something that was difficult to do considering she was not only Ronnie’s friend but his teacher as well. And there was no doubt that from the first time I had seen her out languishing by the pool I had found her to be attractive. I could not think of any teacher I ever had in high school or grade school looking like Dag, but then again I had never seen any of my teachers in a bathing suit. Come to think of it, I was glad I had never seen any of my teachers in a bathing suit.
I did what I could to give Ronnie my undivided attention in my free time. The problem was that there just wasn’t enough free time. The station for which I worked, KXTT was undergoing quite a few changes. I had been managing this particular station for two years, and in that time our morning program had moved up to number two in the local ratings from the bottom of the barrel, and our early evening newscast and late news had done likewise. Becoming the number one news station was now within reach which was a good thing because ownership would not be satisfied with anything other than being number one. To help achieve this they had decided to re-do the sets for all local programming, and had hired a fashion consultant to make sure our anchors, weather people, and morning people were dressed to kill.
So it was in November, just two weeks before Thanksgiving, that I met Dina Mason. She had arrived early one morning so that she could consult with me to make sure we were on the same page as far as making the on-air talent look spiffy..
She was a very attractive woman, immaculately dressed, and a striking platinum blonde. She reminded me of a movie character I had seen but I couldn’t put my finger on who it might have been. I know it had something to do with a movie Ronnie like, but beyond that I couldn’t remember.
“What exactly does a fashion consult do?” I asked her as we sat in my office that first day.
She laughed. “What we do is inflict our own peculiar tastes onto those who have no taste at all.”
“That would be several of our so called Anchor People,” I said. “Sometimes we’ll get more mail about what tie the anchorman is wearing or what skirt the weather lady wore than we do about what was in the news.”
“That’s where I come in. What I do is to pick out clothing that will show up well on camera but not draw too much attention to it. I make sure that everything fits in such a way that we have no sagging tummies on the air, no oversized rear ends, and certainly no breasts that will poke the viewer’s eyes out.”
I laughed. “I take it you’ve watched the tapes I sent you and you’re talking about Carolyn our meteorologist.”
“Exactly. Of course on the other hand, she probably has a way of making most men not care one little bit if it’s going to rain, shine or snow.”
I looked at my watch. It was almost time for lunch.
“Would you like to talk more about this over lunch, Miss Mason?” I asked.
“Why, yes, I’d love to Glenn! But please, call me Dina.”
“Okay Dina, is there anyplace in particular you would like to go?”
“I’ll trust your judgment on this one, Glenn.”
I had to admit that Dina was certainly a charmer. Lunch could prove quite interesting.
At lunch she asked me if I was married. I explained quickly about Joyce, Ronnie and my current circumstances. She quickly offered her sympathies, and then changed the subject as if she knew that I didn’t want to dwell on it. I gave her points for that. She told me how she had grown up designing clothes for her Barbie dolls and how that had eventually led her to her life’s calling of being a fashion consultant.
“I could have been a designer,” she told me. “But I found the work to be too tedious and quite boring. It was much easier to tell people what clothes to wear than making the clothes for them to wear. I guess that makes me a terribly lazy individual in some people’s eyes.”
“Not in mine,” I told her. “You seem to be not only very successful at what you do; you also seem to enjoy doing it.”
“What about you Glenn, do you enjoy managing a Television station? I imagine its very time consuming and quite a bit of work.”
“I do enjoy it, Dina. This is the third station I’ve worked at that I’ve pulled out of the ratings gutter. I guess it’s the competitiveness in me. I always want my stations to be number one in practically everything.”
“I’ve always admired a man who knows what he wants and goes after it. You certainly seem to be that type of person. I guess in some ways we’re a lot a like. I see something I want and I do whatever is necessary to achieve my goal.”
“I guess we are similar, Dina.” I answered her. “There’s nothing I admire more than an independent woman who knows her own mind.”
“I’m glad you feel that way, Glenn. It makes what I’m about to ask you a lot easier.”
“And what might that be?” I asked somewhat puzzled.
“What do you say we have dinner together on Friday night?”
“I guess you are independent,” I chuckled. “Sure, why not. I could use a night out. What time should I pick you up?”
“Oh, eight will be fine.” She quickly scribbled her home address down on a napkin which I stuck in my pocket.
“Eight it is then,” I answered.
Later that evening when I arrived home, I asked Ada if she could stay with Ronnie on Friday night until I returned home.
“Do you have to work late again,” Ada asked. “You’ve been working too many hours lately. You ought to slow down some.”
“Actually, it’s not business. It’s pleasure. I have a date.”
She raised an eyebrow. “A date? Anybody I know?”
“No, I don’t think you would know her, Ada. She’s a fashion consultant working for the station. Her name is Dina Mason.”
“Nope, I sure wouldn’t know any fashion consultants. I guess I’m just not high falootin’ enough. You be careful though, Glenn. There are a lot of women who
would like nothing more than to get their hooks into you and drag you down the aisle, and they’d do it just because you have a good job and loads of money.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “I wouldn’t worry about that, Ada. From what I’ve seen so far Miss Mason sure doesn’t need my money, not to mention that she’s one of the most well known fashion consultants in the country. Maybe you’re the one I should look out for, Ada.”
“Don’t be silly, Glenn. Now I’m not saying that if I were about thirty years younger I wouldn’t
be on you like a tick stuck to a dog’s ass, but my romancing days are long gone. But Dag…..she’s a nice girl. Maybe you ought to ask her out?”
I looked at her sternly. “Oh no! No Way! I’m finally on speaking terms with her and I’m not about to do anything to mess that up again. With her being a neighbor and Eddie’s teacher, our little squabbles were making things a little tense. I like things just the way they are now.”
“Suit yourself,” Ada said, as she prepared to leave. “Both of you remind me of a couple of old mules, stubborn until the end.”
The door had no sooner closed behind her than Ronnie came running into the kitchen. He had been eavesdropping as usual.
“Hi Dad! Did you say you’re going on a date?” He said while running over to give me a hug.
“Yes, Ronnie, Friday night.”
“What’s her name, dad? Where’d ya meet her? Is she pretty?”
“She’s very pretty, Ronnie. I met her at work today.”
“Then you’re her boss?”
“Not exactly, Ronnie. She runs her own business. She’s a fashion consultant and we’ve hired her to do some work for us.”
He thought that over for a minute. “We’ll….if you hired her then it sure sounds like you’re her boss. What’s a fashion consultator do, Dad?”
“She enforces her own peculiar sense of fashion on those who have no sense of fashion at all.” I told him repeating what Dina had said.
“Huh? I don’t get it.”
“She helps people dress up nice so that they look good.” I told him trying to put it in the simplest of terms.
“Oh….sort of like a mother but she gets paid for it. Now I get it. I think. Does she make them take a bath all the time too?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “What’s so funny, dad?”
“Nothing, Ronnie, nothing at all.”
“Then you’re just happy that you’re going out on a date. I’m glad you’re happy, Dad.” He said.
“I’m glad that you’re glad, Ronnie,” I told him.
On Friday night, I was in my bedroom doing my best to calm my nerves as I dressed for my date with Dina. Ronnie was sitting in a chair reading the newspaper comic strips, or so I thought.
“What’s these numbers mean, Dad?” he asked as I continued checking myself out in the bedroom mirror.
“What numbers Ronnie,” I said.
“These ads have all kinds of numbers in them. Like this one. It says 34 – 24 – 34, and another says 36 – 26 – 38.”
“What are you reading, Ronnie?” I asked.
“Well, since you’re happy you’re going out on a date, I was just checking these ads out just in
case you fight with Dina like you do with Dag so you can go out with another lady. It says, Date Ads, and then it says Single Females seeking single males. That would be you dad. They would be seeking you. But what do the numbers mean?”
“They’re measurements Ronnie. They tell you what a woman’s size is and what she would look like.”
“Oh!” He thought about it for a moment and then continued reading. “Here’s one that says 44 – 24 – 36. Are those good numbers, Dad?”
“Good god, who is that?” I said grabbing the paper from him. I only pretended to read it. “Hmmm…I didn’t know Dolly Parton had gotten a divorce.” I handed the paper back to Ronnie. “I don’t think that’s the best way to look for a date, Ronnie. You can’t even tell who is telling the truth and who isn’t.”
“They have to tell you the truth, dad. Because you’re supposed to ask for a picture before you go out.”
“You have this all figured out, don’t you Ronnie?”
“I suppose. But what does the first number mean, dad?”
“Well that would be the measurements of her bust.”
“And what do the other two numbers mean?”
“That would be the waist then the hips.” I told him.
“Oh!” he said as if he was finally catching on. “And what if the first measurement was 20? What would happen then?”
“Absolutely nothing, poor girl,” I told him as I handed him back the paper.
“This lady you’re going out with, Dad, what does she measure?”
I smiled thinking of Dina’s measurements. Ronnie didn’t miss it of course.
“What are you smiling about, Dad?”
“Oh, I was just thinking of something,” I said looking into the mirror.
“What’s your favorite measurements on a lady, dad?” he asked.
“Oh, probably 36,” I told him.
“36-36-36?” he answered back.
“Come on now, Ronnie,” I said laughing. “Use your head. If she was 36-36-36 she’d be straight up and down wouldn’t she?”
“How many inches should she dent in?” he asked.
“Ronnie! I don’t take a measuring tape with me when I go out on a date. You make a woman sound like a dented fender or something.”
“Well….we’ve got a tape measure in the house. I’ll go and get it and then you can tell me what her measurements are when you come home tonight.”
“Never mind, Ronnie. It’s not that important!”
“I just wish you and Dag didn’t fight so much. Then you could ask her out for a date.”
“I make it a rule never to date your teachers. Are you and Ada trying to conspire against me?”
“What’s conspire?”
“It means getting together with someone and hashing out a plot. In this case the plot is to get me to go out with Dag. You and Ada can forget that. Besides, didn’t you tell me Dag is dating a teacher from your school?”
“Yeah, he’s brought her home a few nights. But it doesn’t mean anything. I haven’t seen him kissing her yet.”
“RONNIE! Have you been spying on Dag? That’s not a very nice thing to do.”
“I wasn’t spying. I just happened to be by the window looking out when they came home. I can’t help it if she comes home at the same time that Ada and I are looking out the window to see the weather”
“Well, you can look out to see the weather all you want,” I told him sternly. “But do it when Dag isn’t there, and if you see her come home, don’t be looking out the window. Do you understand?”
“Sure, dad. I’ll just let Ada check the weather for me from now on.”
I could see right away it was a losing proposition. I decided to change the subject.
“How do I look, Ronnie?”
“You look swell, dad! Real Swell! I don’t think I could ever get as clean as you do!”
Since I had Ronnie’s seal of approval, I decided I was as ready as I would ever be. After telling him to mind Ada, to take a bath, and to get to bed on time, I told them both good-bye and left.
Over dinner, I talked a lot about Joyce, and the difficult time I had after she died. It was different talking to Dina about it then it had been with anyone else. Other people were always full of advice, sympathy, telling me what I should do and shouldn’t do and things like I should lose myself in my work. Dina, let me talk freely and openly. Her only comment was that it must have been a difficult time for me.
“Yes it was,” I told her. “But I have Ronnie, and he’s a handful sometimes but a really great kid. I know that because everybody in the apartment complex tells me. He goes from apartment making friends with everyone he can. But they don’t mind.”
“He does sounds like a wonderful child,” Dina told me. “You’re lucky to have him.”
“Yes, very lucky.” I replied. I wouldn’t trade him fo
r anything or anybody.
After dinner we danced for a while, mostly slow dances. Her body felt soft and warm when I held her in my arms, and her perfume was a sweet fragrance I had never smelled before. She knew how to wear just the right amount so that it didn’t over power me.
Later I took her back to her home. She invited me in for a drink and of course I accepted. You could fit a hundred apartments into Dina’s house. There she told me more about herself, how she had worked very hard to build her business up from nothing.
“So you’re strictly a career woman. No husband, no kids to tie you down.”
“You make it sound like it’s a disease,” she told me. “Yes, I’m the epitome of the modern woman. It’s always business before pleasure, but don’t try to stereotype me. I imagine I’ll get married someday, when the right guy comes along.”
“And who would the right guy, be?” I asked.
“The right guy would be someone who doesn’t expect me to be at his beck and call every second of the day. He would have to understand that I have a career that’s every bit as important to me as his is to him.”
“Sounds reasonable enough to me,” I told her. And I think that was another reason I found Dina so attractive. If she wanted or dated a guy, it would be on her terms.
There was no danger that she was just looking for someone to nest with.
“I really have to be going,” I told her. “Ada is sitting with Ronnie, and I don’t want to make her have to stay too late.”
“I understand,” she told me as she walked me to her door.
“When will I see you again, Glenn. Other than at the TV station?”
“Hmmm….how about tomorrow night. Are you free then?”
“Free as a bird. At about the same time then?”
“Sure, I’ll call you after I make sure Ada can stay with Ronnie again.”
“That’ll be great.”
I paused awkwardly with her at the door. I felt like she wanted me to at least kiss her goodnight, but I was hesitant.
“This was sort of like your first date all over again, wasn’t it Glenn?” She asked me.
“Yes, I suppose it was.” I answered.
“And did you kiss that date good night?”
“As a matter of fact, I did. I kissed her twice.” And with that I took Dina into my arms and kissed her not once, not twice, but a third time for good measure before leaving.
Besides, I had been feeling quite sheepish about trying to avoid her all the time, something that was difficult to do considering she was not only Ronnie’s friend but his teacher as well. And there was no doubt that from the first time I had seen her out languishing by the pool I had found her to be attractive. I could not think of any teacher I ever had in high school or grade school looking like Dag, but then again I had never seen any of my teachers in a bathing suit. Come to think of it, I was glad I had never seen any of my teachers in a bathing suit.
I did what I could to give Ronnie my undivided attention in my free time. The problem was that there just wasn’t enough free time. The station for which I worked, KXTT was undergoing quite a few changes. I had been managing this particular station for two years, and in that time our morning program had moved up to number two in the local ratings from the bottom of the barrel, and our early evening newscast and late news had done likewise. Becoming the number one news station was now within reach which was a good thing because ownership would not be satisfied with anything other than being number one. To help achieve this they had decided to re-do the sets for all local programming, and had hired a fashion consultant to make sure our anchors, weather people, and morning people were dressed to kill.
So it was in November, just two weeks before Thanksgiving, that I met Dina Mason. She had arrived early one morning so that she could consult with me to make sure we were on the same page as far as making the on-air talent look spiffy..
She was a very attractive woman, immaculately dressed, and a striking platinum blonde. She reminded me of a movie character I had seen but I couldn’t put my finger on who it might have been. I know it had something to do with a movie Ronnie like, but beyond that I couldn’t remember.
“What exactly does a fashion consult do?” I asked her as we sat in my office that first day.
She laughed. “What we do is inflict our own peculiar tastes onto those who have no taste at all.”
“That would be several of our so called Anchor People,” I said. “Sometimes we’ll get more mail about what tie the anchorman is wearing or what skirt the weather lady wore than we do about what was in the news.”“That’s where I come in. What I do is to pick out clothing that will show up well on camera but not draw too much attention to it. I make sure that everything fits in such a way that we have no sagging tummies on the air, no oversized rear ends, and certainly no breasts that will poke the viewer’s eyes out.”
I laughed. “I take it you’ve watched the tapes I sent you and you’re talking about Carolyn our meteorologist.”
“Exactly. Of course on the other hand, she probably has a way of making most men not care one little bit if it’s going to rain, shine or snow.”I looked at my watch. It was almost time for lunch.
“Would you like to talk more about this over lunch, Miss Mason?” I asked.
“Why, yes, I’d love to Glenn! But please, call me Dina.”
“Okay Dina, is there anyplace in particular you would like to go?”
“I’ll trust your judgment on this one, Glenn.”
I had to admit that Dina was certainly a charmer. Lunch could prove quite interesting.
At lunch she asked me if I was married. I explained quickly about Joyce, Ronnie and my current circumstances. She quickly offered her sympathies, and then changed the subject as if she knew that I didn’t want to dwell on it. I gave her points for that. She told me how she had grown up designing clothes for her Barbie dolls and how that had eventually led her to her life’s calling of being a fashion consultant.
“I could have been a designer,” she told me. “But I found the work to be too tedious and quite boring. It was much easier to tell people what clothes to wear than making the clothes for them to wear. I guess that makes me a terribly lazy individual in some people’s eyes.”
“Not in mine,” I told her. “You seem to be not only very successful at what you do; you also seem to enjoy doing it.”
“What about you Glenn, do you enjoy managing a Television station? I imagine its very time consuming and quite a bit of work.”
“I do enjoy it, Dina. This is the third station I’ve worked at that I’ve pulled out of the ratings gutter. I guess it’s the competitiveness in me. I always want my stations to be number one in practically everything.”
“I’ve always admired a man who knows what he wants and goes after it. You certainly seem to be that type of person. I guess in some ways we’re a lot a like. I see something I want and I do whatever is necessary to achieve my goal.”
“I guess we are similar, Dina.” I answered her. “There’s nothing I admire more than an independent woman who knows her own mind.”“I’m glad you feel that way, Glenn. It makes what I’m about to ask you a lot easier.”
“And what might that be?” I asked somewhat puzzled.
“What do you say we have dinner together on Friday night?”
“I guess you are independent,” I chuckled. “Sure, why not. I could use a night out. What time should I pick you up?”
“Oh, eight will be fine.” She quickly scribbled her home address down on a napkin which I stuck in my pocket.
“Eight it is then,” I answered.
Later that evening when I arrived home, I asked Ada if she could stay with Ronnie on Friday night until I returned home.“Do you have to work late again,” Ada asked. “You’ve been working too many hours lately. You ought to slow down some.”
“Actually, it’s not business. It’s pleasure. I have a date.”
She raised an eyebrow. “A date? Anybody I know?”
“No, I don’t think you would know her, Ada. She’s a fashion consultant working for the station. Her name is Dina Mason.”
“Nope, I sure wouldn’t know any fashion consultants. I guess I’m just not high falootin’ enough. You be careful though, Glenn. There are a lot of women who
would like nothing more than to get their hooks into you and drag you down the aisle, and they’d do it just because you have a good job and loads of money.”I couldn’t help but laugh. “I wouldn’t worry about that, Ada. From what I’ve seen so far Miss Mason sure doesn’t need my money, not to mention that she’s one of the most well known fashion consultants in the country. Maybe you’re the one I should look out for, Ada.”
“Don’t be silly, Glenn. Now I’m not saying that if I were about thirty years younger I wouldn’t
be on you like a tick stuck to a dog’s ass, but my romancing days are long gone. But Dag…..she’s a nice girl. Maybe you ought to ask her out?”I looked at her sternly. “Oh no! No Way! I’m finally on speaking terms with her and I’m not about to do anything to mess that up again. With her being a neighbor and Eddie’s teacher, our little squabbles were making things a little tense. I like things just the way they are now.”
“Suit yourself,” Ada said, as she prepared to leave. “Both of you remind me of a couple of old mules, stubborn until the end.”
The door had no sooner closed behind her than Ronnie came running into the kitchen. He had been eavesdropping as usual.“Hi Dad! Did you say you’re going on a date?” He said while running over to give me a hug.
“Yes, Ronnie, Friday night.”
“What’s her name, dad? Where’d ya meet her? Is she pretty?”
“She’s very pretty, Ronnie. I met her at work today.”
“Then you’re her boss?”
“Not exactly, Ronnie. She runs her own business. She’s a fashion consultant and we’ve hired her to do some work for us.”
He thought that over for a minute. “We’ll….if you hired her then it sure sounds like you’re her boss. What’s a fashion consultator do, Dad?”
“She enforces her own peculiar sense of fashion on those who have no sense of fashion at all.” I told him repeating what Dina had said.
“Huh? I don’t get it.”
“She helps people dress up nice so that they look good.” I told him trying to put it in the simplest of terms.“Oh….sort of like a mother but she gets paid for it. Now I get it. I think. Does she make them take a bath all the time too?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “What’s so funny, dad?”
“Nothing, Ronnie, nothing at all.”
“Then you’re just happy that you’re going out on a date. I’m glad you’re happy, Dad.” He said.
“I’m glad that you’re glad, Ronnie,” I told him.
On Friday night, I was in my bedroom doing my best to calm my nerves as I dressed for my date with Dina. Ronnie was sitting in a chair reading the newspaper comic strips, or so I thought.
“What’s these numbers mean, Dad?” he asked as I continued checking myself out in the bedroom mirror.“What numbers Ronnie,” I said.
“These ads have all kinds of numbers in them. Like this one. It says 34 – 24 – 34, and another says 36 – 26 – 38.”
“What are you reading, Ronnie?” I asked.
“Well, since you’re happy you’re going out on a date, I was just checking these ads out just in
case you fight with Dina like you do with Dag so you can go out with another lady. It says, Date Ads, and then it says Single Females seeking single males. That would be you dad. They would be seeking you. But what do the numbers mean?”“They’re measurements Ronnie. They tell you what a woman’s size is and what she would look like.”
“Oh!” He thought about it for a moment and then continued reading. “Here’s one that says 44 – 24 – 36. Are those good numbers, Dad?”
“Good god, who is that?” I said grabbing the paper from him. I only pretended to read it. “Hmmm…I didn’t know Dolly Parton had gotten a divorce.” I handed the paper back to Ronnie. “I don’t think that’s the best way to look for a date, Ronnie. You can’t even tell who is telling the truth and who isn’t.”“They have to tell you the truth, dad. Because you’re supposed to ask for a picture before you go out.”
“You have this all figured out, don’t you Ronnie?”
“I suppose. But what does the first number mean, dad?”
“Well that would be the measurements of her bust.”
“And what do the other two numbers mean?”
“That would be the waist then the hips.” I told him.
“Oh!” he said as if he was finally catching on. “And what if the first measurement was 20? What would happen then?”
“Absolutely nothing, poor girl,” I told him as I handed him back the paper.
“This lady you’re going out with, Dad, what does she measure?”
I smiled thinking of Dina’s measurements. Ronnie didn’t miss it of course.
“What are you smiling about, Dad?”
“Oh, I was just thinking of something,” I said looking into the mirror.
“What’s your favorite measurements on a lady, dad?” he asked.
“Oh, probably 36,” I told him.“36-36-36?” he answered back.
“Come on now, Ronnie,” I said laughing. “Use your head. If she was 36-36-36 she’d be straight up and down wouldn’t she?”
“How many inches should she dent in?” he asked.
“Ronnie! I don’t take a measuring tape with me when I go out on a date. You make a woman sound like a dented fender or something.”
“Well….we’ve got a tape measure in the house. I’ll go and get it and then you can tell me what her measurements are when you come home tonight.”
“Never mind, Ronnie. It’s not that important!”
“I just wish you and Dag didn’t fight so much. Then you could ask her out for a date.”
“I make it a rule never to date your teachers. Are you and Ada trying to conspire against me?”
“What’s conspire?”
“It means getting together with someone and hashing out a plot. In this case the plot is to get me to go out with Dag. You and Ada can forget that. Besides, didn’t you tell me Dag is dating a teacher from your school?”
“Yeah, he’s brought her home a few nights. But it doesn’t mean anything. I haven’t seen him kissing her yet.”
“RONNIE! Have you been spying on Dag? That’s not a very nice thing to do.”
“I wasn’t spying. I just happened to be by the window looking out when they came home. I can’t help it if she comes home at the same time that Ada and I are looking out the window to see the weather”
“Well, you can look out to see the weather all you want,” I told him sternly. “But do it when Dag isn’t there, and if you see her come home, don’t be looking out the window. Do you understand?”“Sure, dad. I’ll just let Ada check the weather for me from now on.”
I could see right away it was a losing proposition. I decided to change the subject.
“How do I look, Ronnie?”
“You look swell, dad! Real Swell! I don’t think I could ever get as clean as you do!”
Since I had Ronnie’s seal of approval, I decided I was as ready as I would ever be. After telling him to mind Ada, to take a bath, and to get to bed on time, I told them both good-bye and left.
Over dinner, I talked a lot about Joyce, and the difficult time I had after she died. It was different talking to Dina about it then it had been with anyone else. Other people were always full of advice, sympathy, telling me what I should do and shouldn’t do and things like I should lose myself in my work. Dina, let me talk freely and openly. Her only comment was that it must have been a difficult time for me.“Yes it was,” I told her. “But I have Ronnie, and he’s a handful sometimes but a really great kid. I know that because everybody in the apartment complex tells me. He goes from apartment making friends with everyone he can. But they don’t mind.”
“He does sounds like a wonderful child,” Dina told me. “You’re lucky to have him.”
“Yes, very lucky.” I replied. I wouldn’t trade him fo
r anything or anybody.After dinner we danced for a while, mostly slow dances. Her body felt soft and warm when I held her in my arms, and her perfume was a sweet fragrance I had never smelled before. She knew how to wear just the right amount so that it didn’t over power me.
Later I took her back to her home. She invited me in for a drink and of course I accepted. You could fit a hundred apartments into Dina’s house. There she told me more about herself, how she had worked very hard to build her business up from nothing.
“So you’re strictly a career woman. No husband, no kids to tie you down.”
“You make it sound like it’s a disease,” she told me. “Yes, I’m the epitome of the modern woman. It’s always business before pleasure, but don’t try to stereotype me. I imagine I’ll get married someday, when the right guy comes along.”“And who would the right guy, be?” I asked.
“The right guy would be someone who doesn’t expect me to be at his beck and call every second of the day. He would have to understand that I have a career that’s every bit as important to me as his is to him.”
“Sounds reasonable enough to me,” I told her. And I think that was another reason I found Dina so attractive. If she wanted or dated a guy, it would be on her terms.
There was no danger that she was just looking for someone to nest with.
“I really have to be going,” I told her. “Ada is sitting with Ronnie, and I don’t want to make her have to stay too late.”
“I understand,” she told me as she walked me to her door.
“When will I see you again, Glenn. Other than at the TV station?”
“Hmmm….how about tomorrow night. Are you free then?”
“Free as a bird. At about the same time then?”
“Sure, I’ll call you after I make sure Ada can stay with Ronnie again.”
“That’ll be great.”I paused awkwardly with her at the door. I felt like she wanted me to at least kiss her goodnight, but I was hesitant.
“This was sort of like your first date all over again, wasn’t it Glenn?” She asked me.
“Yes, I suppose it was.” I answered.
“And did you kiss that date good night?”
“As a matter of fact, I did. I kissed her twice.” And with that I took Dina into my arms and kissed her not once, not twice, but a third time for good measure before leaving.
~~~34~~~
~~~Narration by Dag~~~
I didn’t know exactly what was going on with Laurie. It was certainly odd to think that she of all people would be so love struck over a guy that she would spend the night in a cemetery, out in a rainstorm, crying over a broken heart, while catching pneumonia all at the same time. Even I wouldn’t have done something like that and I had don
e a lot of silly things in my teen years not to mention my incredibly stupid affair with Andy The Louse.
I couldn’t help but have the eerie feeling that there was something else going on with Laurie and I was being kept out of the loop by her, mom, and dad. But there was little I could do about it and if there was some unknown something going on I was sure I would find out about it eventually.
As for Reggie, we had continued to date on a semi-regular basis. We would often go to dinner after school, or take in a dinner and a movie on the weekends. It seldom went beyond much more than that and I didn’t see it developing into anything permanent, but you never could tell. We had been out on at least ten dates and I was still waiting for a good night kiss. He was almost too polite and too cautious. Reggie was good at telling interesting and funny stories and talking intelligently about just about any subject, but if he was beginning to have feelings toward me I wasn’t feeling the vibes.
One thing I was glad of was that Glenn and I were finally on good terms. Often when he would drop Ronnie off at school he would stop and talk for a few minutes. It was also a relief that when we ran into each other in the apartment hallway or by the pool, we no longer had to avoid one another. Sometimes I would be over at his apartment keeping Ada and Ronnie company when he would come in from work. We would often sit and talk for a while before I would leave. Likewise, Ronnie would often come over to my apartment, and we would talk and watch a movie together. I hadn’t watched some of the old Disney classics in years and it gave me an excuse to watch them once again. Ronnie’s favorite was 101 Dalmatians, and he simply hated Cruella De Ville more than any of the wicked witches of Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, or even the wicked stepmother of Cinderella.
One afternoon after I had returned home from school he came running over to my apartment almost breathless.
“Dag! Guess what! Dad’s going out on a date!” He told me while trying to catch his breath.
“Oh?” I said. I don’t know why it surprised me. Perhaps I thought it would still be a long time before Glenn would start dating again. “Well, maybe you’re going to get your wish, Ronnie, and he’ll find someone he will like real well.”
“Yeah! That would be good. Anyway, it makes Dad happy. Of course I hope they don’t start yelling at each other the way you and Dad did.”
“Ronnie! Your father and I haven’t argued in quite a while. And we never really argued anyway." We discussed things.”
“That’s what mom used to say when she would argue with Dad. That they weren’t arguing; they were just having a discussion.”
“Well maybe they were,” I replied. “When is Glenn’s date?” I asked.
“Tomorrow night. Ada is going to stay with me. Why don’t you come over Dag? We can watch a movie and eat popcorn.”
“Maybe I will, Ronnie,” I told him. “I’m not doing anything. But check with Ada just to be sure.”
“I’ll do that, Dag. I’ll go ask her right now.” And off he ran.
Okay, so I was being a little bit nosy about Glenn’s date. It was only natural to be curious. So the next evening about an hour after Glenn had left I found my way over to their apartment.
Ronnie put in the X-men to watch on TV while Ada and I talked.
“I sure didn’t expect this,” she told me. “I didn’t think Glenn was going to start dating again for a long time. She must really be something.” It was uncanny how her thoughts had paralleled mine.
“I imagine,” I answered. “Did he tell you anything about her?”
“He said she’s doing some fashion consulting work at the station right now. That’s how he met her. It sounds kind of funny to me.”
“How is that?” I asked.
“Nothing, I suppose,” she said. “But a fashion consultant? Seems like an awfully fancy title for someone Glenn would date. He’s always been a bit more down to earth. I guess he knows what he’s doing though.”
“I’m sure he is,” I said. For some reason I had this thought about me: Dagmar Baker, Second Grade Teacher. It certainly didn’t sound quite as impressive as Dagmar Baker, Fashion Consultant.
“So what?” I asked myself. Imagining a title behind my name was the same kind of nonsense that had gotten me into trouble when I had imagined myself as Dagmar Everett, wife of Andrew Everett Ph.D. That had caused me a whole lot of problems.
“I just wish you two hadn’t gotten off to such a lousy start,” Ada said. “Maybe he would be taking you out to dinner instead.”
“Oh, Glenn and I are getting along fine now. I don’t think we ever would have dated even if we had never argued,” I told her. “I just don’t think we’d be very compatible. We’re not exactly birds of a feather”
“Birds of a feather!” Ada said disgustedly. “Now you sound like you’re advertising for one of those dating companies on the internet. I don’t know how either one of you would ever know whether or not you’re compatible with each other when you won’t give it half a chance.”
“It doesn’t matter, Ada. I’m dating someone else right now. I have my own date with him tomorrow night as a matter of fact.”
“That schoolteacher, Reggie?” she exclaimed. “When you talk about him it sounds like you’re talking about your brother.”
“Well, Reggie believes in taking things slow,” I told her. “And so do I. I hurried into a relationship once and all I got out of it was a whole lot of hurt. It won’t happen again.”
“Dag, honey,” she said. “Everyone’s entitled to make a fool of themselves once in a while. Even me. Don’t let one mistake like that change you. You may end up getting left out in the cold.”
“I have no intention of being left out in the cold or changing the way I am. I just believe in being a bit more cautious and a lot more level headed.”
I heard her sigh. She could see she was getting no where and we proceeded to watch X-men with Ronnie. At eleven O’clock, Glenn had not returned home.
“Well, I suppose he’s having a good time, but he should be home soon,” Ada said. “Would you mind staying here with Ronnie until he gets home? It’s been a long day and I’d like to go home and take a shower before I get too tired to do so.”
“Sure, I don’t mind at all.” Ada got up to leave. “It’s time for you to go get into bed, young man.” She told Ronnie.
“Ah geee, do I have to?”
“Yes you do. If Glenn comes in and sees that you’re up this late he’s not going to be very happy. Now don’t give Dag any problems”
“Okay, Ada,” he said. After she had gone he turned off the TV and came to sit next to me.
“I thought it was time for you to go to bed, Ronnie?”
“I know, Dag. But can’t I please wait on Dad to come home. I need to talk to him.” He pleaded with me.
“What do you want to talk to your dad about that’s so important?”
“I want to see how he made out with his date,” he
answered.
I couldn’t help but grin. I found a lot of the things that came out of Ronnie’s mouth quite funny, although I knew it was unintentional.
“Ronnie, are you anxious for your dad to get married?” I asked him.
“Sure. It’ll make him happy again,” he answered quickly.
“You realize of course Ronnie, that if your Dad gets married again his new wife will be your
stepmother.”
“Yeah….” He said slowly as if he was thinking it over. “That part ain’t so hot. She’d make me go to bed early and she would say, “my aren’t we dirty” when she really means you’re dirty, me I mean.”
“You often are,” I reminded him.
He grinned. “She won’t let me run through the rooms and she’ll keep the lid down in the bathroom. Sometimes when I’m racing up from the playground, I don’t hardly make it in time when the lid’s down.”
“Those aren’t exactly the best reasons I’ve ever heard, Ronnie.”
He thought about that for a moment.
“Hey I got a great idea!” He said it as if he had just discovered all the secrets of the universe. “If he got married would he have to tell anyone?”
“Now why wouldn’t you want him to tell anybody,” I asked. I couldn’t wait to hear what Ronnie had come up with now.
“Well, he could get married and we could pretend that she took the place of Ada. And I’d be real nice to her and polite, and dad could have discussions with her, and get a baby and go to the movies and all of that. But we could tell everybody that she’s our new housekeeper. See, then I wouldn’t have a stepmother.”
I shook my head negatively. “Ronnie, do you really think any woman would go for that?”
“Would you?” he asked.
“No,” I answered quickly.
“Why not? It wouldn’t be so hard. Except for maybe the baby part. How do you get babies anyway?”
My mind quickly flashed back to a day years ago when I had asked my parents the same question. As I recalled I hadn’t been that impressed with the answer I received at the time.
“Well………..” I didn’t really know what to tell him and I began to squirm a little. Just then the door opened and Glenn came into the apartment.
“Saved! In the nick of time!” I told him.
“Saved from what?” he asked.
“From babies, and stepmothers. We were just getting down to the basic facts. He’s all yours!”
“How’d you make out, Dad?” Ronnie asked him quickly.
“Never mind how I made out. You should be in bed, Ronnie.”
“And so should I,” I said as I got up to leave. I paused at the door. “Glenn, be honest, be frank. All the books say so.” He looked at me puzzled. I simply said goodnight, grinned and laughed to myself as I crossed the hall to my own apartment.
e a lot of silly things in my teen years not to mention my incredibly stupid affair with Andy The Louse.I couldn’t help but have the eerie feeling that there was something else going on with Laurie and I was being kept out of the loop by her, mom, and dad. But there was little I could do about it and if there was some unknown something going on I was sure I would find out about it eventually.
As for Reggie, we had continued to date on a semi-regular basis. We would often go to dinner after school, or take in a dinner and a movie on the weekends. It seldom went beyond much more than that and I didn’t see it developing into anything permanent, but you never could tell. We had been out on at least ten dates and I was still waiting for a good night kiss. He was almost too polite and too cautious. Reggie was good at telling interesting and funny stories and talking intelligently about just about any subject, but if he was beginning to have feelings toward me I wasn’t feeling the vibes.
One thing I was glad of was that Glenn and I were finally on good terms. Often when he would drop Ronnie off at school he would stop and talk for a few minutes. It was also a relief that when we ran into each other in the apartment hallway or by the pool, we no longer had to avoid one another. Sometimes I would be over at his apartment keeping Ada and Ronnie company when he would come in from work. We would often sit and talk for a while before I would leave. Likewise, Ronnie would often come over to my apartment, and we would talk and watch a movie together. I hadn’t watched some of the old Disney classics in years and it gave me an excuse to watch them once again. Ronnie’s favorite was 101 Dalmatians, and he simply hated Cruella De Ville more than any of the wicked witches of Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, or even the wicked stepmother of Cinderella.One afternoon after I had returned home from school he came running over to my apartment almost breathless.
“Dag! Guess what! Dad’s going out on a date!” He told me while trying to catch his breath.
“Oh?” I said. I don’t know why it surprised me. Perhaps I thought it would still be a long time before Glenn would start dating again. “Well, maybe you’re going to get your wish, Ronnie, and he’ll find someone he will like real well.”
“Yeah! That would be good. Anyway, it makes Dad happy. Of course I hope they don’t start yelling at each other the way you and Dad did.”“Ronnie! Your father and I haven’t argued in quite a while. And we never really argued anyway." We discussed things.”
“That’s what mom used to say when she would argue with Dad. That they weren’t arguing; they were just having a discussion.”
“Well maybe they were,” I replied. “When is Glenn’s date?” I asked.
“Tomorrow night. Ada is going to stay with me. Why don’t you come over Dag? We can watch a movie and eat popcorn.”
“Maybe I will, Ronnie,” I told him. “I’m not doing anything. But check with Ada just to be sure.”
“I’ll do that, Dag. I’ll go ask her right now.” And off he ran.
Okay, so I was being a little bit nosy about Glenn’s date. It was only natural to be curious. So the next evening about an hour after Glenn had left I found my way over to their apartment.
Ronnie put in the X-men to watch on TV while Ada and I talked.
“I sure didn’t expect this,” she told me. “I didn’t think Glenn was going to start dating again for a long time. She must really be something.” It was uncanny how her thoughts had paralleled mine.
“I imagine,” I answered. “Did he tell you anything about her?”“He said she’s doing some fashion consulting work at the station right now. That’s how he met her. It sounds kind of funny to me.”
“How is that?” I asked.
“Nothing, I suppose,” she said. “But a fashion consultant? Seems like an awfully fancy title for someone Glenn would date. He’s always been a bit more down to earth. I guess he knows what he’s doing though.”
“I’m sure he is,” I said. For some reason I had this thought about me: Dagmar Baker, Second Grade Teacher. It certainly didn’t sound quite as impressive as Dagmar Baker, Fashion Consultant.
“So what?” I asked myself. Imagining a title behind my name was the same kind of nonsense that had gotten me into trouble when I had imagined myself as Dagmar Everett, wife of Andrew Everett Ph.D. That had caused me a whole lot of problems.
“I just wish you two hadn’t gotten off to such a lousy start,” Ada said. “Maybe he would be taking you out to dinner instead.”
“Oh, Glenn and I are getting along fine now. I don’t think we ever would have dated even if we had never argued,” I told her. “I just don’t think we’d be very compatible. We’re not exactly birds of a feather”
“Birds of a feather!” Ada said disgustedly. “Now you sound like you’re advertising for one of those dating companies on the internet. I don’t know how either one of you would ever know whether or not you’re compatible with each other when you won’t give it half a chance.”
“It doesn’t matter, Ada. I’m dating someone else right now. I have my own date with him tomorrow night as a matter of fact.”
“That schoolteacher, Reggie?” she exclaimed. “When you talk about him it sounds like you’re talking about your brother.”“Well, Reggie believes in taking things slow,” I told her. “And so do I. I hurried into a relationship once and all I got out of it was a whole lot of hurt. It won’t happen again.”
“Dag, honey,” she said. “Everyone’s entitled to make a fool of themselves once in a while. Even me. Don’t let one mistake like that change you. You may end up getting left out in the cold.”
“I have no intention of being left out in the cold or changing the way I am. I just believe in being a bit more cautious and a lot more level headed.”
I heard her sigh. She could see she was getting no where and we proceeded to watch X-men with Ronnie. At eleven O’clock, Glenn had not returned home.“Well, I suppose he’s having a good time, but he should be home soon,” Ada said. “Would you mind staying here with Ronnie until he gets home? It’s been a long day and I’d like to go home and take a shower before I get too tired to do so.”
“Sure, I don’t mind at all.” Ada got up to leave. “It’s time for you to go get into bed, young man.” She told Ronnie.
“Ah geee, do I have to?”
“Yes you do. If Glenn comes in and sees that you’re up this late he’s not going to be very happy. Now don’t give Dag any problems”
“Okay, Ada,” he said. After she had gone he turned off the TV and came to sit next to me.
“I thought it was time for you to go to bed, Ronnie?”
“I know, Dag. But can’t I please wait on Dad to come home. I need to talk to him.” He pleaded with me.
“What do you want to talk to your dad about that’s so important?”
“I want to see how he made out with his date,” he
answered.I couldn’t help but grin. I found a lot of the things that came out of Ronnie’s mouth quite funny, although I knew it was unintentional.
“Ronnie, are you anxious for your dad to get married?” I asked him.
“Sure. It’ll make him happy again,” he answered quickly.
“You realize of course Ronnie, that if your Dad gets married again his new wife will be your
stepmother.”“Yeah….” He said slowly as if he was thinking it over. “That part ain’t so hot. She’d make me go to bed early and she would say, “my aren’t we dirty” when she really means you’re dirty, me I mean.”
“You often are,” I reminded him.
He grinned. “She won’t let me run through the rooms and she’ll keep the lid down in the bathroom. Sometimes when I’m racing up from the playground, I don’t hardly make it in time when the lid’s down.”
“Those aren’t exactly the best reasons I’ve ever heard, Ronnie.”
He thought about that for a moment.
“Hey I got a great idea!” He said it as if he had just discovered all the secrets of the universe. “If he got married would he have to tell anyone?”“Now why wouldn’t you want him to tell anybody,” I asked. I couldn’t wait to hear what Ronnie had come up with now.
“Well, he could get married and we could pretend that she took the place of Ada. And I’d be real nice to her and polite, and dad could have discussions with her, and get a baby and go to the movies and all of that. But we could tell everybody that she’s our new housekeeper. See, then I wouldn’t have a stepmother.”
I shook my head negatively. “Ronnie, do you really think any woman would go for that?”
“Would you?” he asked.
“No,” I answered quickly.
“Why not? It wouldn’t be so hard. Except for maybe the baby part. How do you get babies anyway?”My mind quickly flashed back to a day years ago when I had asked my parents the same question. As I recalled I hadn’t been that impressed with the answer I received at the time.
“Well………..” I didn’t really know what to tell him and I began to squirm a little. Just then the door opened and Glenn came into the apartment.
“Saved! In the nick of time!” I told him.“Saved from what?” he asked.
“From babies, and stepmothers. We were just getting down to the basic facts. He’s all yours!”
“How’d you make out, Dad?” Ronnie asked him quickly.
“Never mind how I made out. You should be in bed, Ronnie.”
“And so should I,” I said as I got up to leave. I paused at the door. “Glenn, be honest, be frank. All the books say so.” He looked at me puzzled. I simply said goodnight, grinned and laughed to myself as I crossed the hall to my own apartment.
~~~35~~~
~~~Narration by Laurie~~~
After writing the letter to Angela, there wasn’t much to do the rest of the week but lounge around and try to watch TV. Often mom or dad would join me and try to cheer me up or Gail would stop by after school. I was glad that after a few days, my coughing spells finally begin to wane. The intense coughing had taken a toll on my throat and I had become quite hoarse because of it. I was now on a steady diet of throat lozenges and antibiotics.
A week after mom had mailed the letter to Angela, I began checking my email hoping for some word from Angela, but none came. I began to feel as if my letter had been too little too late, and that because of my lack of communication with her, she had done as she said she would do and moved on with her life. Finally, I decided to send her an email, in case the letter had become lost in the mail or something. At least that’s what I hoped had happened. When my email came back with a message telling me that her email account had been closed, I knew I had been too late. There had been no excuse for me not to have written her or called her. Even in my state of confusion I could have written her something, at least telling her that I wasn’t sure of myself, and that I was confused about who I was or what I was.
I was terribly depressed and not just about Angela. I had no idea what was going to become of me, and although I had come to terms with the fact that I was a lesbian, I was still a long way from accepting it with open arms. Have you ever felt that despite the fact that you had family and friends, you still were alone and isolated from everybody?
I began to withdraw again, not wanting to talk and not wanting to be sociable. Mom began to notice. She had mentioned to me again about getting some counseling, and I had told her I would as soon as I was well, although I knew that was a lame excuse. I knew I was just postponing the inevitable. Perhaps I felt as if some psychiatrist might just tell me I was nuts.
On the Friday morning at the end of my first week of being ill, I awoke to find a list of counseling services by my computer. I knew there was no putting it off. Mom would keep bugging me until I called one, and in the end if I didn’t she would do it herself. What she really wanted was for me to accept the responsibility and pick one out. “You can only be helped as much as you want to be, Laurie, forcing it on you will do no good.” And I knew she was right.
I looked at the list, then picked one of the names the scientific way. I closed my eyes, held my breath, and pointed my finger onto the paper. It landed on a place called the Devonshire Center for Gay Lesbian and Transgender Youth.
I knew I wouldn’t have the courage to call the place myself, so I went downstairs and handed the paper to mom.
“I’ve decided to try the counseling, mom.” I told her. “But…could you call and make the appointment. I don’t really know what to say. I chose this one,” I said handing her the paper and pointing to the group.
“Is there any particular reason, why you chose this one?” she asked.
“Uh…yeah, scientific deduction,” I told her.
She laughed. “Oh, you closed your eyes and pointed your finger.”
“I can’t get anything past you can I mom?” I said.
“Nope, I’m way too wise!” she said.
I went back up to my room where I had spent the better part of the past week. One thing about my room was that it felt safe, more than any other place I could think of at the moment. Later, mom came up and told me that I had an appointment to see a counselor on Monday morning at ten. Her name was Abigail Madison. It sounded kind of waspish to me.
So at five minutes till ten on Monday I stood nervously outside the Center with mom. I half expected that when we pulled up there would be a blazing neon sign proclaiming that Gays and Lesbians Enter Here. Of course there was none. The building as a matter of fact was non-descript, and was no different then the many other buildings surrounding it.
“Do you want me to go in with you,” Mom asked.
“No, I’ll be okay. You can go shopping or something. I’ll meet you at the ice cream shop when I’m finished.”
I cautiously opened the door. A woman behind the front desk asked if she could be of help.
“Uh....I have an appointment with Miss Madison at ten,” I told her.
“And what is your name?” she asked. She appeared to be warm and friendly.
“Laurie, Laurie Baker,” I told her.
She looked at a clipboard, crossed something off then returned to me. “Laurie, if you want to have a seat right here I’ll give you some papers to fill out. It’s just basic information. Then Abbey will be right with you.”
I was glad she had called Abigail, Abby. The fact that everybody might be on a first name basis made everything seem less formal and more congenial. She handed me the papers and a pen, and it was just a simple questionnaire, which meant name, address, date of birth, phone number, next of kin and all that stuff. There wasn’t one question about whether I was gay or straight which I felt was kind of odd.. I had just finished filling out the form when a woman entered the lobby and walked over to me.
“Hi Laurie, I’m Abby Madison, and I’ll be your counselor,” she said holding out her hand which I promptly gave a quick shake after having wiped the anxiety perspiration off onto my slacks. Like the woman behind the reception desk she seemed very friendly also. “You can call me Abby if you like.”
I simply nodded.
“Why don’t you come back here to my office, so we can talk and get to know each other,” she told me.
My throat had suddenly become very dry. I followed her into her office, not knowing what to expect. I thought that perhaps there would be a couch for me to lay on where I would then tell her all my deepest dark secrets and about the many dreams I had had since childhood so that she could interpret them. But of course, it wasn’t like that at all. There was a desk, with a computer on it. And there were several comfortable chairs but no couch.
“You can sit here, Laurie,” she said pointing to one of the chairs. I sat down and tried to be comfortable but my palms were still sweaty and my throat was terribly dry.
“Would you like a glass of water or perhaps a soft drink, Laurie?” she asked me.
“No, that’s okay,” I answered. And I don’t know why I answered that way because I was in fact dying for one. She sat down in a chair opposite me.
“Laurie, I’m not here to be your doctor or your psychoanalyst. I want you to just think of me as someone you can come in and talk to at anytime, and I hope that in doing so, I can help you to understand exactly what you are going through and what it means. I want you to think of me as a friend. You are not alone, Laurie. There are millions of young people out there who are experiencing the same problems that you are. Sometimes it’s good just to have somebody to talk to, or someone that you can share your anxieties with. What we talk about stays here between you and me. As you can see I have no notepad, and no tape recorder. But if I say or do anything to make you feel uncomfortable just let me know."
Likewise, if there are some things you are not ready to talk about, then that’s okay also.”
I was already beginning to feel a bit more comfortable around her. Her voice seemed soothing and understanding.
“Why don’t we start off with you telling me some things about yourself, Laurie? What’s it like at home, school, what are some of the things you like to do and have an interest in. Just so we can get to know each other a little bit better.”
I was glad she hadn’t started right in on the Lesbian stuff. I started telling her a little about my home life, growing up, my interest in being a surgeon and why. Sometimes she would ask me a question, and at other times she would stop to relate her own similar experiences to some of the things I would tell her. After a while, she did seem like a friend and someone I could trust and we were talking as if we were two old school mates at a reunion. When I told her about my mother, Susan, she was genuinely sympathetic and horrified when I related what had happened at my grandparent’s house.
“Unfortunately, there are a lot of terrible people in this world Laurie,” she told me. “We can’t choose who brings us into this world. Many children are abused every day. But you’re one of
the lucky ones. It sounds like your father and your adoptive mother are very caring understanding people. So in a way, you’re a lot better off than most of the teenagers I talk to every day.”
“So Laurie, when did you come to the conclusion that you were a Lesbian?” she asked. “Is this something you’ve felt for a long time, or is it something recent, something you decided to be, or just something you think you might be?”
If she had asked that question when we had first sat down I doubted that I would have been able to answer it. I still hesitated a second in answering because it almost sounded like a trick question in the way she asked. Decided to be? Who in the hell would decide to do this? Of course, the answer was nobody, so in a way it was partially a trick question as I soon found out.
“I’ve always felt I was different,” I told her. “Especially since junior high. All the other girls were going crazy over guys and talking about them all the time. I just couldn’t get interested.”
“There are many girls who don’t think about boys at all until later in life,” she told me. “It doesn’t necessarily mean they are a lesbian. Sometimes they just have other priorities occupying their life. There can be many reasons for it, and it isn’t always about sexual preference. Can I ask you something Laurie, and you don’t have to answer if you’re uncomfortable with it.”
I nodded.
“You say you didn’t think about boys, but do you think about women, or feel attracted to them?”
Now I was becoming nervous. It was something I had never talked about before, not with anyone.
“That’s okay, Laurie, we can talk about something else.”
I shook my head negatively and plowed ahead. “I’ve kind of had fantasies, about women. Thought about what it would be like to be with them.” I had quickly blurted it out. I told her about Xena, about the dreams and fantasies and how later the dreams and fantasies had developed from being just a fighting here into fantasies of a much more intimate nature.
“And how did you feel when you had these thoughts?” she asked me.
“Well, when I was having them it didn’t seem bad, but afterwards I would feel guilty about it, like I was a pervert or abnormal.”
“Laurie, you are not a pervert and you’re not abnormal,” she told me. “Being Lesbian makes you no different then if you are right handed or left handed, tall or short, black or white, Asian or Latino”
“That’s what my mother said, but I think she was just trying to make me feel better.”
“I’m sure she was trying to make you feel better about yourself, Laurie. But your mother was also right. Homosexuality is a normal part of human behavior. It’s biological in origin and can’t be changed. The hate mongers would love to have every one believe that homosexuals are all perverted sex addicts. Nothing could be further from the truth. Lesbianism is not so much about sex as it is about love. When you are a lesbian, it simply means that you love women. Sex is an adjunct to love, just like it is for heterosexuals. Do you think love between two consenting persons should be wrong?” she asked.
“No, of course not.” I told her. “But believing it is one thing dealing with what happens in the real world is another.” I told her about Norma and what had happened to her in junior high school.
She frowned. “Laurie, what happened to Norma is terrible as anything I can imagine, and the fact that the school let it happen makes them just as culpable as the students who drove her to suicide.
Did you know that not only here in California, but in many other states there is a law called The Dignity for All Students Act? It’s there to protect students like Norma from that kind of harassment.”
“I’ve never heard about it,” I told her.
Abby sighed. “Yes, unfortunately the law does depend on the student being harassed taking action and speaking up. And in this community, for a homosexual or lesbian to come out can be quite a fearful thing. Does anybody besides your parents know you are a lesbian?”
“One other person, his name is Kurt. I was dating him.”
“Why were you dating him, Laurie?”
“I liked Kurt a lot. He’s a good guy. I hadn’t really dated anybody before him on a regular basis, so I went out with him. I just wanted to fit in for a change.”
I quickly told her about my relationship with Kurt, Angela and how it all ended with me sitting there in her office.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Laurie. Some lesbians and homosexuals will go so far as to marry someone of the opposite sex, rather than come to terms with their sexual identity because they believe that’s that they are suppose to do. Years later, when they finally do come to terms with being homosexual, it often ends in a messy divorce, children are involved, and those children end up coming from a broken home. But the night that you were in the cemetery, did you really want to die? Do you think about that very often?”
I thought about it for a moment. “Yes, at that moment in time I thought I did. I’ve never been suicidal or anything like that. I don’t think I would have intentionally killed myself, and I’m sure I never would. I think it was more of a cry for help than anything. But I’ve been depressed a lot lately.”
“Laurie, I’m going to give you my home phone number. If things ever get too difficult, and you don’t feel that you can talk to anyone else, I want you to call me right away. It’s not going to be easy Laurie, but I think you’re a very strong girl and will be okay. As I said, you have parents who love you for what you are, so you’re already better off than many kids. You’ve come to terms with the fact that you are a Lesbian, now you have to find a way to accept it and to be able to live with it. Don't be afraid of it, and don't hide your feelings from yourself. In the back of your mind, you’re still thinking it’s some sort of disease. Being a homosexual or lesbian in today’s society, and in this community can and will be difficult. Until society changes, these are the things one must face. Just remember that although you may feel isolated and alone, you are not. Ten percent of the population may be either gay or bi-sexual.
So think about it Laurie, if there are a thousand students at your high school, then there are probably a hundred kids like you also having a difficult time, and maybe even more so. I wish we had more time to talk today, but I have to see someone else.”
“And Laurie, I want you to come back at the same time on Wednesday. Will that be okay?”
“Sure, Miss….I mean Abby. And thanks.”
“Abby, can I ask you a personal question? I mean you can tell me its none of my business if you want to.”
She laughed. “I think I know what the question is already Laurie. A lot of the young girls I talk to usually ask. And the answer is yes, I am.”
I smiled at her. It was exactly what I was going to ask. She seemed so positive and sure about herself, that I think knowing that little fact made me feel quite a bit better about myself. “Thanks Abby, and I’ll be here on Wednesday for sure.”
“You’re welcome Laurie. And remember, I’m more than your counselor, I’m your friend.”
As I left the building to walk up to the ice cream parlor to meet mom, I felt better than I had in days. Abby had been so matter of fact about everything and so reassuring. I began to look forward to look forward to our next meeting.
Two days later I found myself in her office again. This time we talked a lot about Angela and my feelings for her.
“When did you realize you were in love with Angela, Laurie?”
“I don’t think it was a matter of knowing or not knowing,” I told her. “It was just how I felt about her. I didn’t want to call it love, or admit that I was in love with her, but I felt it just the same. I guess I was kind of surprised to find out she was gay.”
“Why is that, Laurie?” she asked.
“Because I always thought one would know if someone is a lesbian. I mean if I had known earlier, before she had left I often think about what might have happened. Would things have been different, or would I have just run away from my feelings like I did when I read her letter?”
“Laurie, not all gay people fit the stereotypes you see on TV or in the movies. Gay people act all kinds of different ways just like straight people. Most are indistinguishable from anyone else except for who they come home to. It’s just like this silly notion that some people have that all Lesbians like to dress manly, wear short hair, and don’t wear make up. Yes some of them do cut their hair, but they do it because long hair is a pain in the ass to take care of. When you asked if I was a lesbian the other day did you think I was or just wanted to know.”
“I just wanted to know. I guess in a way I was kind of hoping you were. You seem so sure of yourself, and it helped to give my confidence a boost.”
“I’m glad of that Laurie. In time, I don’t think your confidence will need too much boosting. And I wasn’t always this confident either. Far from it. I had to grow into my skin just like you are having to do right now.”
“Abby, what do you do though? How do you know who is gay or who isn’t? I mean, if you wanted to ask somebody of the same sex out? Other than Angela and you, I don’t know any gay people.”
“A lot depends on when you want to come out, whether you are comfortable in doing so, and whom you want to come out to. There are many gay youth organizations where you can go to meet people. There are places on the internet where you can post anonymously and talk to other lesbians. What you’ll find is that as you become more sure of yourself, and who you are, you’ll gain more confidence. And once you come out, you’ll be surprise how many gay people you’ll meet, some of them may be teachers, lawyers, doctors, or just about anything. Some of them may even already be your friends or other people you know.”
“I don’t think Gail would be one of them,” I told her.
She laughed. “From what you’ve told me, I don’t think it would be either. What I’m trying to tell you Laurie, is that you don’t have to rush things. You don’t have to tell anybody you’re gay unless you feel absolutely comfortable and safe in doing so. You can do it in your own way, on your own terms, and in your own time.”
“I’m still kind of afraid to go back to school.” I told her.
“There’s no reason to be, Laurie. Obviously since Kurt made up his little story you told me about, nobody else is going to know. You are no different then when you last went to school two weeks ago. You’re the same Laurie Baker you were then that you are now. Yes, it may feel strange at first, but once you go back, I think you’ll be okay. But on the small chance that Kurt does out you, and you can’t handle it, call me or your parents right away. Especially if you start getting harassment”
“I don’t think Kurt will tell,” I told her.
“Laurie, I’m going to give you a list of names. I want you to look at it.”
I studied the sheet of paper she had given to me. I had to admit it was impressive:
Roberta Achtenberg (President Clinton appointee), Edward Albee (playwright), Alexander the Great (Emperor), Pedro Almodovar (film director), Sasha Alyson (publisher), W.H. Auden (writer), Sir Francis Bacon (writer), Joan Baez (musician), Josephine Baker (singer), James Baldwin (writer), Tammy Baldwin (Wisconsin state legislator), Deborah Batts (federal judge), Amanda Bearse (actress), Andy Bell (musician), Ruth Benedict (anthropologist), Michael Bennett (choreographer), Sandra Bernhardt (comic), David Bowie (musician), Rev. Malcolm Boyd (Episcopal priest), Keith Boykin (President Clinton aide), Benjamin Britten (composer), Glenn Burke (pro baseball player), Frank Buttino (former FBI agent), Lord Byron (poet), Julius Caesar (Emperor), Margarethe Cammermeyer(National Guard Colonel), Willa Cather (writer), Jean Cocteau (artist), Colette (writer), Aaron Copland (composer), Chief Crazy Horse,
George Cukor (film director), ames Dean (actor), Lea DeLaria (comedian), Melissa Etheridge (musician), Angie Fa (San Francisco board of education), Harvey Fierstein (playwright), Will Fitzpatrick (Rhode Island state senator), Errol Flynn (actor), E.M. Forster (writer), Congressman Barney Frank,Frederick the Great (Emperor), David Geffen (music producer), Sir John Gielgud (actor), Tim Gill (founder of Quark, Inc.), Allen Ginsberg (poet), Lorraine Hansberry (playwright), Sherry Harris (Seattle city council), Bruce Hayes (Olympic swimmer), Janis Ian (musician), Indigo Girls(musicians), Bob Jackson-Paris (pro bodybuilder), Henry James (writer),King James I, Elton John (musician), Frieda Kahlo (artist), David Kopay(pro football player), Sheila James Kuehl (attorney and former TV actress), Tony Kushner (playwright), k.d. lang (musician), Simon LeVay(biologist), Leonardo da Vinci (artist), Frederico Garcia Lorca (poet), Greg Louganis (Olympic diver), Amy Lowell (poet), Ian McKellen (actor), John J. McNeill (religious scholar), W. Somerset Maugham (writer), Keith Meinhold (Navy officer), Michelangelo (artist), Edna St. Vincent Millay (poet), Yukio Mishima (writer), Martina Navratilova (tennis champion), Georgia O'Keefe (artist), Dave Pallone (former baseball umpire), Phranc(folksinger), Plato (philosopher), Deb Price (newspaper columnist), Marcel Proust (writer), Kenneth Reeves (mayor of Cambridge, Massachusetts), First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, RuPaul (supermodel), Bayard Rustin (civil rights activist), Sappho (poet), Dick Sargent (actor), May Sarton (writer), Franz Schubert (composer), Randy Shilts (journalist), Bessie Smith (singer), Socrates (philosopher), Jimmy Sommerville (singer), Joseph Steffan (Navy officer), Gertrude Stein (writer), Congressman Gerry Studds, Peter Tchaikovsky (composer), Dorothy Thompson (journalist), Alice B. Toklas(writer)
“And that’s just a partial list, Laurie. Everybody on that list is either homosexual or bi-sexual. So you see, you’re in good company.”
“I guess I am at that, I told her.” And then a thought crossed my mind.
“What are you thinking about, Laurie?” she asked me.
I looked up at her and grinned. “I’m thinking how one day maybe Laurie Baker, Pioneering Neurosurgeon would look on that list”
Abby burst into Laughter. “Laurie, I think you’re going to be just fine.”
The following Monday it was time for me to go back to school. Mom had warned me to take it easy, as it would still be a few weeks before I would be completely well. Thankfully, Gail was right along side of me as we approached the school. She didn’t sense my nervousness at all, especially since she didn’t have any clue as to what I was hiding. The thought crossed my mind as to whether there would ever be a time when I could tell her.
What I found out that day was that for all my misgivings, Abby had been right. For the most part, it was no different from any other day except for one thing. Some of the girls came up to fawn over me, to tell me how they had “heard how Kurt had cheated on me and “that it must have been horrible” when actually they didn’t really care one way or another, and wouldn’t have even if Kurt’s story had been true. And I'm sure at least a few of them were plotting and planning to nab Kurt for themselves now that he was back out on the open market.
Early in the day I ran into Kurt in the hallway. He just sort of nodded at me and I nodded back. We were still nervous around each other as we both tried to put the past behind us so we could remain friends. I decided to make the first move. It was after school that I accidentally on purpose ran into him in the parking lot.
“Why did you do it, Kurt?” I asked him.
He looked at me puzzled. “Do what, Laurie?”
“Make up that story about why we broke up. You didn’t have to do that.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I know I didn’t have to Laurie. But you were right, and there was no sense in making things worse than they are.”
I wasn’t sure I quite understood what he meant. “Worse than what Kurt?”
He sighed. “Look Laurie, ever since you told me I’ve been doing a lot of reading about gays and stuff. It’s helping me to understand a lot more about why things happened the way they did. I mean some gay people go all their lives trying to be straight and spend most of their lives living a lie. And those who don’t, it’s terrible some of the things they have to go through and the way they are not only discriminated against, but the fear of acts of violence against them. So I just didn’t see any point in making you another victim, especially after what happened with Norma”
“What made you decide to read all of that?” I asked him.
“When your mom called me and told me you were missing. I was really scared, Laurie. I was kicking myself for not chasing you down. I felt somewhat responsible for the way I acted that night.”
“You had every right to feel that way, Kurt.” I told him. “Well, maybe not using those words that you did. I know you may not believe me, but I didn’t want to hurt you. That was never my intention. But I hurt you just the same, and I wish I could erase the hurt, but I can’t”
“I do believe you, Laurie. I’ve believed it for quite a while now. I just knew that there had to be more to it than that you were just playing me. I may not have known you were a lesbian, but I’m sure I know your character and what you are made of. I
guess if the shoe was on the other foot, I might have done the same thing. I’m still hurting a bit, but I’ll be okay. I guess I could have just not said anything at all to the kids, but then there would have been a hundred questions as to why we broke up, and knowing the way things work around here there would have been fifty rumors as to why. This way makes it easier for both of us.”
I looked at him quietly, not knowing what to say. To say “Thank you,” didn’t seem sufficient. At that time, I had met only a handful of people outside of my family that had the integrity and the deep sense of right and wrong that Kurt had. It was a quality that I had always admired about him and to this day it is a quality that has never left him.
“Kurt, if there is anything I can ever do for you,” I told him, “just let me know. You are one of a kind Kurt.”
I held out my hand. “Friends?” I asked.
He grinned and took my hand as if he were thinking once again about what might have been. “Yeah, we’ll always be friends, Laurie. And if you ever change your mind about being gay, just give me a call,” I laughed as I knew he was joking when he said it.
“You’ll be the first to know if that were to ever happen, but whatever you do, don’t wait on me,” I laughed. “You’ll die a bachelor in your old age.”
A week after mom had mailed the letter to Angela, I began checking my email hoping for some word from Angela, but none came. I began to feel as if my letter had been too little too late, and that because of my lack of communication with her, she had done as she said she would do and moved on with her life. Finally, I decided to send her an email, in case the letter had become lost in the mail or something. At least that’s what I hoped had happened. When my email came back with a message telling me that her email account had been closed, I knew I had been too late. There had been no excuse for me not to have written her or called her. Even in my state of confusion I could have written her something, at least telling her that I wasn’t sure of myself, and that I was confused about who I was or what I was.
I was terribly depressed and not just about Angela. I had no idea what was going to become of me, and although I had come to terms with the fact that I was a lesbian, I was still a long way from accepting it with open arms. Have you ever felt that despite the fact that you had family and friends, you still were alone and isolated from everybody?
I began to withdraw again, not wanting to talk and not wanting to be sociable. Mom began to notice. She had mentioned to me again about getting some counseling, and I had told her I would as soon as I was well, although I knew that was a lame excuse. I knew I was just postponing the inevitable. Perhaps I felt as if some psychiatrist might just tell me I was nuts.
On the Friday morning at the end of my first week of being ill, I awoke to find a list of counseling services by my computer. I knew there was no putting it off. Mom would keep bugging me until I called one, and in the end if I didn’t she would do it herself. What she really wanted was for me to accept the responsibility and pick one out. “You can only be helped as much as you want to be, Laurie, forcing it on you will do no good.” And I knew she was right.I looked at the list, then picked one of the names the scientific way. I closed my eyes, held my breath, and pointed my finger onto the paper. It landed on a place called the Devonshire Center for Gay Lesbian and Transgender Youth.
I knew I wouldn’t have the courage to call the place myself, so I went downstairs and handed the paper to mom.
“I’ve decided to try the counseling, mom.” I told her. “But…could you call and make the appointment. I don’t really know what to say. I chose this one,” I said handing her the paper and pointing to the group.
“Is there any particular reason, why you chose this one?” she asked.
“Uh…yeah, scientific deduction,” I told her.
She laughed. “Oh, you closed your eyes and pointed your finger.”
“I can’t get anything past you can I mom?” I said.
“Nope, I’m way too wise!” she said.
I went back up to my room where I had spent the better part of the past week. One thing about my room was that it felt safe, more than any other place I could think of at the moment. Later, mom came up and told me that I had an appointment to see a counselor on Monday morning at ten. Her name was Abigail Madison. It sounded kind of waspish to me.
So at five minutes till ten on Monday I stood nervously outside the Center with mom. I half expected that when we pulled up there would be a blazing neon sign proclaiming that Gays and Lesbians Enter Here. Of course there was none. The building as a matter of fact was non-descript, and was no different then the many other buildings surrounding it.
“Do you want me to go in with you,” Mom asked.
“No, I’ll be okay. You can go shopping or something. I’ll meet you at the ice cream shop when I’m finished.”
I cautiously opened the door. A woman behind the front desk asked if she could be of help.
“Uh....I have an appointment with Miss Madison at ten,” I told her.
“And what is your name?” she asked. She appeared to be warm and friendly.
“Laurie, Laurie Baker,” I told her.
She looked at a clipboard, crossed something off then returned to me. “Laurie, if you want to have a seat right here I’ll give you some papers to fill out. It’s just basic information. Then Abbey will be right with you.”
I was glad she had called Abigail, Abby. The fact that everybody might be on a first name basis made everything seem less formal and more congenial. She handed me the papers and a pen, and it was just a simple questionnaire, which meant name, address, date of birth, phone number, next of kin and all that stuff. There wasn’t one question about whether I was gay or straight which I felt was kind of odd.. I had just finished filling out the form when a woman entered the lobby and walked over to me.
“Hi Laurie, I’m Abby Madison, and I’ll be your counselor,” she said holding out her hand which I promptly gave a quick shake after having wiped the anxiety perspiration off onto my slacks. Like the woman behind the reception desk she seemed very friendly also. “You can call me Abby if you like.”I simply nodded.
“Why don’t you come back here to my office, so we can talk and get to know each other,” she told me.
My throat had suddenly become very dry. I followed her into her office, not knowing what to expect. I thought that perhaps there would be a couch for me to lay on where I would then tell her all my deepest dark secrets and about the many dreams I had had since childhood so that she could interpret them. But of course, it wasn’t like that at all. There was a desk, with a computer on it. And there were several comfortable chairs but no couch.
“You can sit here, Laurie,” she said pointing to one of the chairs. I sat down and tried to be comfortable but my palms were still sweaty and my throat was terribly dry.
“Would you like a glass of water or perhaps a soft drink, Laurie?” she asked me.
“No, that’s okay,” I answered. And I don’t know why I answered that way because I was in fact dying for one. She sat down in a chair opposite me.
“Laurie, I’m not here to be your doctor or your psychoanalyst. I want you to just think of me as someone you can come in and talk to at anytime, and I hope that in doing so, I can help you to understand exactly what you are going through and what it means. I want you to think of me as a friend. You are not alone, Laurie. There are millions of young people out there who are experiencing the same problems that you are. Sometimes it’s good just to have somebody to talk to, or someone that you can share your anxieties with. What we talk about stays here between you and me. As you can see I have no notepad, and no tape recorder. But if I say or do anything to make you feel uncomfortable just let me know."Likewise, if there are some things you are not ready to talk about, then that’s okay also.”
I was already beginning to feel a bit more comfortable around her. Her voice seemed soothing and understanding.
“Why don’t we start off with you telling me some things about yourself, Laurie? What’s it like at home, school, what are some of the things you like to do and have an interest in. Just so we can get to know each other a little bit better.”
I was glad she hadn’t started right in on the Lesbian stuff. I started telling her a little about my home life, growing up, my interest in being a surgeon and why. Sometimes she would ask me a question, and at other times she would stop to relate her own similar experiences to some of the things I would tell her. After a while, she did seem like a friend and someone I could trust and we were talking as if we were two old school mates at a reunion. When I told her about my mother, Susan, she was genuinely sympathetic and horrified when I related what had happened at my grandparent’s house.
“Unfortunately, there are a lot of terrible people in this world Laurie,” she told me. “We can’t choose who brings us into this world. Many children are abused every day. But you’re one of
the lucky ones. It sounds like your father and your adoptive mother are very caring understanding people. So in a way, you’re a lot better off than most of the teenagers I talk to every day.”“So Laurie, when did you come to the conclusion that you were a Lesbian?” she asked. “Is this something you’ve felt for a long time, or is it something recent, something you decided to be, or just something you think you might be?”
If she had asked that question when we had first sat down I doubted that I would have been able to answer it. I still hesitated a second in answering because it almost sounded like a trick question in the way she asked. Decided to be? Who in the hell would decide to do this? Of course, the answer was nobody, so in a way it was partially a trick question as I soon found out.
“I’ve always felt I was different,” I told her. “Especially since junior high. All the other girls were going crazy over guys and talking about them all the time. I just couldn’t get interested.”
“There are many girls who don’t think about boys at all until later in life,” she told me. “It doesn’t necessarily mean they are a lesbian. Sometimes they just have other priorities occupying their life. There can be many reasons for it, and it isn’t always about sexual preference. Can I ask you something Laurie, and you don’t have to answer if you’re uncomfortable with it.”
I nodded.
“You say you didn’t think about boys, but do you think about women, or feel attracted to them?”
Now I was becoming nervous. It was something I had never talked about before, not with anyone.
“That’s okay, Laurie, we can talk about something else.”
I shook my head negatively and plowed ahead. “I’ve kind of had fantasies, about women. Thought about what it would be like to be with them.” I had quickly blurted it out. I told her about Xena, about the dreams and fantasies and how later the dreams and fantasies had developed from being just a fighting here into fantasies of a much more intimate nature.
“And how did you feel when you had these thoughts?” she asked me.
“Well, when I was having them it didn’t seem bad, but afterwards I would feel guilty about it, like I was a pervert or abnormal.”
“Laurie, you are not a pervert and you’re not abnormal,” she told me. “Being Lesbian makes you no different then if you are right handed or left handed, tall or short, black or white, Asian or Latino”
“That’s what my mother said, but I think she was just trying to make me feel better.”
“I’m sure she was trying to make you feel better about yourself, Laurie. But your mother was also right. Homosexuality is a normal part of human behavior. It’s biological in origin and can’t be changed. The hate mongers would love to have every one believe that homosexuals are all perverted sex addicts. Nothing could be further from the truth. Lesbianism is not so much about sex as it is about love. When you are a lesbian, it simply means that you love women. Sex is an adjunct to love, just like it is for heterosexuals. Do you think love between two consenting persons should be wrong?” she asked.“No, of course not.” I told her. “But believing it is one thing dealing with what happens in the real world is another.” I told her about Norma and what had happened to her in junior high school.
She frowned. “Laurie, what happened to Norma is terrible as anything I can imagine, and the fact that the school let it happen makes them just as culpable as the students who drove her to suicide.
Did you know that not only here in California, but in many other states there is a law called The Dignity for All Students Act? It’s there to protect students like Norma from that kind of harassment.”
“I’ve never heard about it,” I told her.
Abby sighed. “Yes, unfortunately the law does depend on the student being harassed taking action and speaking up. And in this community, for a homosexual or lesbian to come out can be quite a fearful thing. Does anybody besides your parents know you are a lesbian?”
“One other person, his name is Kurt. I was dating him.”
“Why were you dating him, Laurie?”
“I liked Kurt a lot. He’s a good guy. I hadn’t really dated anybody before him on a regular basis, so I went out with him. I just wanted to fit in for a change.”
I quickly told her about my relationship with Kurt, Angela and how it all ended with me sitting there in her office.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Laurie. Some lesbians and homosexuals will go so far as to marry someone of the opposite sex, rather than come to terms with their sexual identity because they believe that’s that they are suppose to do. Years later, when they finally do come to terms with being homosexual, it often ends in a messy divorce, children are involved, and those children end up coming from a broken home. But the night that you were in the cemetery, did you really want to die? Do you think about that very often?”
I thought about it for a moment. “Yes, at that moment in time I thought I did. I’ve never been suicidal or anything like that. I don’t think I would have intentionally killed myself, and I’m sure I never would. I think it was more of a cry for help than anything. But I’ve been depressed a lot lately.”
“Laurie, I’m going to give you my home phone number. If things ever get too difficult, and you don’t feel that you can talk to anyone else, I want you to call me right away. It’s not going to be easy Laurie, but I think you’re a very strong girl and will be okay. As I said, you have parents who love you for what you are, so you’re already better off than many kids. You’ve come to terms with the fact that you are a Lesbian, now you have to find a way to accept it and to be able to live with it. Don't be afraid of it, and don't hide your feelings from yourself. In the back of your mind, you’re still thinking it’s some sort of disease. Being a homosexual or lesbian in today’s society, and in this community can and will be difficult. Until society changes, these are the things one must face. Just remember that although you may feel isolated and alone, you are not. Ten percent of the population may be either gay or bi-sexual.So think about it Laurie, if there are a thousand students at your high school, then there are probably a hundred kids like you also having a difficult time, and maybe even more so. I wish we had more time to talk today, but I have to see someone else.”
“And Laurie, I want you to come back at the same time on Wednesday. Will that be okay?”
“Sure, Miss….I mean Abby. And thanks.”
“Abby, can I ask you a personal question? I mean you can tell me its none of my business if you want to.”
She laughed. “I think I know what the question is already Laurie. A lot of the young girls I talk to usually ask. And the answer is yes, I am.”
I smiled at her. It was exactly what I was going to ask. She seemed so positive and sure about herself, that I think knowing that little fact made me feel quite a bit better about myself. “Thanks Abby, and I’ll be here on Wednesday for sure.”
“You’re welcome Laurie. And remember, I’m more than your counselor, I’m your friend.”
As I left the building to walk up to the ice cream parlor to meet mom, I felt better than I had in days. Abby had been so matter of fact about everything and so reassuring. I began to look forward to look forward to our next meeting.
Two days later I found myself in her office again. This time we talked a lot about Angela and my feelings for her.
“When did you realize you were in love with Angela, Laurie?”“I don’t think it was a matter of knowing or not knowing,” I told her. “It was just how I felt about her. I didn’t want to call it love, or admit that I was in love with her, but I felt it just the same. I guess I was kind of surprised to find out she was gay.”
“Why is that, Laurie?” she asked.
“Because I always thought one would know if someone is a lesbian. I mean if I had known earlier, before she had left I often think about what might have happened. Would things have been different, or would I have just run away from my feelings like I did when I read her letter?”
“Laurie, not all gay people fit the stereotypes you see on TV or in the movies. Gay people act all kinds of different ways just like straight people. Most are indistinguishable from anyone else except for who they come home to. It’s just like this silly notion that some people have that all Lesbians like to dress manly, wear short hair, and don’t wear make up. Yes some of them do cut their hair, but they do it because long hair is a pain in the ass to take care of. When you asked if I was a lesbian the other day did you think I was or just wanted to know.”
“I just wanted to know. I guess in a way I was kind of hoping you were. You seem so sure of yourself, and it helped to give my confidence a boost.”
“I’m glad of that Laurie. In time, I don’t think your confidence will need too much boosting. And I wasn’t always this confident either. Far from it. I had to grow into my skin just like you are having to do right now.”
“Abby, what do you do though? How do you know who is gay or who isn’t? I mean, if you wanted to ask somebody of the same sex out? Other than Angela and you, I don’t know any gay people.”
“A lot depends on when you want to come out, whether you are comfortable in doing so, and whom you want to come out to. There are many gay youth organizations where you can go to meet people. There are places on the internet where you can post anonymously and talk to other lesbians. What you’ll find is that as you become more sure of yourself, and who you are, you’ll gain more confidence. And once you come out, you’ll be surprise how many gay people you’ll meet, some of them may be teachers, lawyers, doctors, or just about anything. Some of them may even already be your friends or other people you know.”“I don’t think Gail would be one of them,” I told her.
She laughed. “From what you’ve told me, I don’t think it would be either. What I’m trying to tell you Laurie, is that you don’t have to rush things. You don’t have to tell anybody you’re gay unless you feel absolutely comfortable and safe in doing so. You can do it in your own way, on your own terms, and in your own time.”
“I’m still kind of afraid to go back to school.” I told her.
“There’s no reason to be, Laurie. Obviously since Kurt made up his little story you told me about, nobody else is going to know. You are no different then when you last went to school two weeks ago. You’re the same Laurie Baker you were then that you are now. Yes, it may feel strange at first, but once you go back, I think you’ll be okay. But on the small chance that Kurt does out you, and you can’t handle it, call me or your parents right away. Especially if you start getting harassment”
“I don’t think Kurt will tell,” I told her.
“Laurie, I’m going to give you a list of names. I want you to look at it.”
I studied the sheet of paper she had given to me. I had to admit it was impressive:
Roberta Achtenberg (President Clinton appointee), Edward Albee (playwright), Alexander the Great (Emperor), Pedro Almodovar (film director), Sasha Alyson (publisher), W.H. Auden (writer), Sir Francis Bacon (writer), Joan Baez (musician), Josephine Baker (singer), James Baldwin (writer), Tammy Baldwin (Wisconsin state legislator), Deborah Batts (federal judge), Amanda Bearse (actress), Andy Bell (musician), Ruth Benedict (anthropologist), Michael Bennett (choreographer), Sandra Bernhardt (comic), David Bowie (musician), Rev. Malcolm Boyd (Episcopal priest), Keith Boykin (President Clinton aide), Benjamin Britten (composer), Glenn Burke (pro baseball player), Frank Buttino (former FBI agent), Lord Byron (poet), Julius Caesar (Emperor), Margarethe Cammermeyer(National Guard Colonel), Willa Cather (writer), Jean Cocteau (artist), Colette (writer), Aaron Copland (composer), Chief Crazy Horse,
George Cukor (film director), ames Dean (actor), Lea DeLaria (comedian), Melissa Etheridge (musician), Angie Fa (San Francisco board of education), Harvey Fierstein (playwright), Will Fitzpatrick (Rhode Island state senator), Errol Flynn (actor), E.M. Forster (writer), Congressman Barney Frank,Frederick the Great (Emperor), David Geffen (music producer), Sir John Gielgud (actor), Tim Gill (founder of Quark, Inc.), Allen Ginsberg (poet), Lorraine Hansberry (playwright), Sherry Harris (Seattle city council), Bruce Hayes (Olympic swimmer), Janis Ian (musician), Indigo Girls(musicians), Bob Jackson-Paris (pro bodybuilder), Henry James (writer),King James I, Elton John (musician), Frieda Kahlo (artist), David Kopay(pro football player), Sheila James Kuehl (attorney and former TV actress), Tony Kushner (playwright), k.d. lang (musician), Simon LeVay(biologist), Leonardo da Vinci (artist), Frederico Garcia Lorca (poet), Greg Louganis (Olympic diver), Amy Lowell (poet), Ian McKellen (actor), John J. McNeill (religious scholar), W. Somerset Maugham (writer), Keith Meinhold (Navy officer), Michelangelo (artist), Edna St. Vincent Millay (poet), Yukio Mishima (writer), Martina Navratilova (tennis champion), Georgia O'Keefe (artist), Dave Pallone (former baseball umpire), Phranc(folksinger), Plato (philosopher), Deb Price (newspaper columnist), Marcel Proust (writer), Kenneth Reeves (mayor of Cambridge, Massachusetts), First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, RuPaul (supermodel), Bayard Rustin (civil rights activist), Sappho (poet), Dick Sargent (actor), May Sarton (writer), Franz Schubert (composer), Randy Shilts (journalist), Bessie Smith (singer), Socrates (philosopher), Jimmy Sommerville (singer), Joseph Steffan (Navy officer), Gertrude Stein (writer), Congressman Gerry Studds, Peter Tchaikovsky (composer), Dorothy Thompson (journalist), Alice B. Toklas(writer)
“And that’s just a partial list, Laurie. Everybody on that list is either homosexual or bi-sexual. So you see, you’re in good company.”“I guess I am at that, I told her.” And then a thought crossed my mind.
“What are you thinking about, Laurie?” she asked me.
I looked up at her and grinned. “I’m thinking how one day maybe Laurie Baker, Pioneering Neurosurgeon would look on that list”
Abby burst into Laughter. “Laurie, I think you’re going to be just fine.”
The following Monday it was time for me to go back to school. Mom had warned me to take it easy, as it would still be a few weeks before I would be completely well. Thankfully, Gail was right along side of me as we approached the school. She didn’t sense my nervousness at all, especially since she didn’t have any clue as to what I was hiding. The thought crossed my mind as to whether there would ever be a time when I could tell her.
What I found out that day was that for all my misgivings, Abby had been right. For the most part, it was no different from any other day except for one thing. Some of the girls came up to fawn over me, to tell me how they had “heard how Kurt had cheated on me and “that it must have been horrible” when actually they didn’t really care one way or another, and wouldn’t have even if Kurt’s story had been true. And I'm sure at least a few of them were plotting and planning to nab Kurt for themselves now that he was back out on the open market.
Early in the day I ran into Kurt in the hallway. He just sort of nodded at me and I nodded back. We were still nervous around each other as we both tried to put the past behind us so we could remain friends. I decided to make the first move. It was after school that I accidentally on purpose ran into him in the parking lot.
“Why did you do it, Kurt?” I asked him.
He looked at me puzzled. “Do what, Laurie?”
“Make up that story about why we broke up. You didn’t have to do that.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I know I didn’t have to Laurie. But you were right, and there was no sense in making things worse than they are.”
I wasn’t sure I quite understood what he meant. “Worse than what Kurt?”
He sighed. “Look Laurie, ever since you told me I’ve been doing a lot of reading about gays and stuff. It’s helping me to understand a lot more about why things happened the way they did. I mean some gay people go all their lives trying to be straight and spend most of their lives living a lie. And those who don’t, it’s terrible some of the things they have to go through and the way they are not only discriminated against, but the fear of acts of violence against them. So I just didn’t see any point in making you another victim, especially after what happened with Norma”
“What made you decide to read all of that?” I asked him.“When your mom called me and told me you were missing. I was really scared, Laurie. I was kicking myself for not chasing you down. I felt somewhat responsible for the way I acted that night.”
“You had every right to feel that way, Kurt.” I told him. “Well, maybe not using those words that you did. I know you may not believe me, but I didn’t want to hurt you. That was never my intention. But I hurt you just the same, and I wish I could erase the hurt, but I can’t”
“I do believe you, Laurie. I’ve believed it for quite a while now. I just knew that there had to be more to it than that you were just playing me. I may not have known you were a lesbian, but I’m sure I know your character and what you are made of. I
guess if the shoe was on the other foot, I might have done the same thing. I’m still hurting a bit, but I’ll be okay. I guess I could have just not said anything at all to the kids, but then there would have been a hundred questions as to why we broke up, and knowing the way things work around here there would have been fifty rumors as to why. This way makes it easier for both of us.”
I looked at him quietly, not knowing what to say. To say “Thank you,” didn’t seem sufficient. At that time, I had met only a handful of people outside of my family that had the integrity and the deep sense of right and wrong that Kurt had. It was a quality that I had always admired about him and to this day it is a quality that has never left him.“Kurt, if there is anything I can ever do for you,” I told him, “just let me know. You are one of a kind Kurt.”
I held out my hand. “Friends?” I asked.
He grinned and took my hand as if he were thinking once again about what might have been. “Yeah, we’ll always be friends, Laurie. And if you ever change your mind about being gay, just give me a call,” I laughed as I knew he was joking when he said it.“You’ll be the first to know if that were to ever happen, but whatever you do, don’t wait on me,” I laughed. “You’ll die a bachelor in your old age.”
He laughed, and despite everything that had passed between us, I knew Kurt would remain a friend for life, and would be someone who would be there to help see me through the good times and the bad times.
~~~36~~~
~~~Written by Laurie~~~
Just a few days before Thanksgiving, my eighteenth birthday arrived. I think besides your sixteenth birthday, most teens look forward to being eighteen more than any other. It is for all intents and purposes the point that marks the end of your journey as a child, and begins your journey as an adult. I had, as many others do, once imagined it as a grand occasion. But for me, it was as if I had been seventeen and was suddenly turning thirty. I had lost my first true love in Angela, I had faced up to the reality of who I was, and that in the world I lived in I would be forever labeled different and unacceptable to many of those around me.
My parents tried to make it as joyous an occasion as possible, and I did my best to make them feel as if they had succeeded. Dag came over, there was a birthday cake, and smiley baloons. At one point during the festivities Dag pulled me aside and whispered in my ear.
"Come on Laurie, snap out of it. It's your eighteenth birthday, at least try and enjoy it. What's wrong with you anyway?"
I knew that I was lucky to have the parents that I did, as I had heard stories about mothers and fathers who had rejected their children when they had finally come out of the closet, branding them as perverts, deviates, soulless, and had kicked them out of the house and onto the streets with no place to live, and no where to go.
At one point, I finally worked up the nerve to give Angela a call on the phone. I was disheartened to find the number she had sent me in her email had been changed and was unlisted. I had to face the reality that any chance we had ever had of any kind of relationship was now gone. Yet, barely a day went by that I didn’t think of her at least once. I could only hope that someday, some way, some how, I would have the chance to tell her in person how much she had meant to me, and to tell her face to face why it had taken so long for me to write to her. And hopefully, if that day were ever to come, she could forgive me.
As for Abby, she was becoming much more than just my counselor. She was becoming an extremely good friend. She had already introduced me to her life partner, Jillian, whom she introduced as her wife, and then they had invited me into her home on several occasions.
They were honest and open about their relationship, and had gone through a marriage ceremony in the brief time that it was available in San Francisco before the governor and the courts had ended it. Yet, I wondered if I would ever have found the courage to be proud of whom I was. Let’s face it, Dag could go to the mall with a boyfriend and hold his hand, but if Angela and I had done the same thing, there would have been looks of disgust possibly even taunting.
On Thanksgiving the whole family came together including Grandpa Frank and Grandma Arcadia. Dag came over also, accompanied by her boyfriend from the school, Reggie. He certainly seemed nice enough, and was totally opposite of what Andy had been. And best of all, he didn’t insist on being called Reginald. That alone put him way ahead in my book. He played pool with Dad, who hustled him out of fifty dollars, although I strongly suspect he let Dad do it though.
I tried to gage how serious Dag and Reggie were about each other, and came to the conclusion that if it developed into a romance, it would take a few years, on second thought, maybe a decade. Reg seemed overly cautious, but not nearly as much as Dag seemed. I suspect Dag’s reluctance to get involved could be the result of what had happened at college with Professor Creepo.
On the Monday after Thanksgiving when we returned to school, Mrs. Schaeffer immediately hit the newspaper staff with a challenge.
“So far this year,” she told us, “the articles in the school newspaper, have been at best fair. You can only read so many articles about ways to improve school lunches or whether or not the cheerleader’s uniforms should be white with gold trim, gold with white trim, or black with gold and white trim.”
We kind of chuckled at that, but she was right. Our school newspaper had become quite inconsequential in the entire realm of things, and most of the kids never bothered to read it at all.
“There is no reason why we can’t do better,” she told us. “There are many things going on in this world that will affect your lives, not just now, but in the years to come. It’s time for you to
get serious about the subjects you write about and to take up more important issues. Just because it’s called the Devonshire High School Gazette, doesn’t mean all the articles have to be about high school or even Devonshire. When you go home tonight, I want each of you to come up with an article you might work on either alone or with someone. Something of importance. Something that might really matter to some of these kids”
There was a loud groan, from many of the students. But not from me, and not from Kurt, and not from a few others who having finished football season were now also working on the school paper more often. Kurt had decided to forego basketball and baseball, devoting more time to his studies to make sure he could get into the college of his choice.
Kurt knew that as far as athletic ability went, his was okay as far as high school was concerned, but knew there would be no scholarship offers in that department. I had to admit also that it was nice to see his friendly face in the journalism class.
That evening I sat at my computer trying to come up with an idea but all I seemed to do was draw a blank. But then I thought back to my conversation with Kurt that we had had out in the school parking lot when I had returned from my illness. I opened the Google search engine and typed in: Gay, Lesbian, Homosexuals, High School, and Discrimination. I clicked my mouse button and waited.
What I saw was this: Results 1 – 10 out of 114,000. It had taken .28 seconds.
I sighed, clicked on the first link, and began to read.
It was going to be a long night of research, but after fifteen minutes of reading, I didn’t care if I stayed up all night, and feverishly began taking notes. Much of what I read would bring a tear to my eye; much of what I read made me angry. As many honest articles as there were about the subject, there were almost an equal number of sites ran by religious groups filled with hate, falsehoods, distortions, and innuendoes, trying to instill as much fear as they could into the general population.
I totally lost track of time until Mom came into my room and ordered me into bed.
“You may be eighteen now, Laurie, but you still need to sleep,” she told me.
I looked at the clock in my room, and it said 12:30 a.m. “Sure,” I said. “I didn’t realize it was so late. I’m researching an article for the school paper. Just give me fifteen minutes to finish reading this article.”
Mom sighed. “Okay, fifteen minutes and no more,” she said and then left. By the time I shut down the computer and crawled into bed it was one a.m.
The next morning I went to see Mrs. Schaeffer about my idea and to show her my notes. She read for a long time before looking at me. She seemed to hesitate quite a bit.
“You know, Laurie, in a school like this and in this town this could be a very touchy subject. I’m not so sure this is a good idea.”
I was crestfallen. “Why not, Mrs. Schaeffer? Didn’t you just tell us yesterday that we should write about something that is important, something that would make a difference?”
She smiled at me, but it seemed to be a smile of uncertainty. “I guess I did say that, didn’t I. It’s just that….”
She didn’t finish as if she were looking for the right things to say. “Well, never mind, Laurie. It is an important subject and one that needs to be written about. So go ahead and research it and see what you can come up with. I would prefer that you work on this with someone though. Do you have someone in mind or do you want me to assign a student to help you with it?”
“Well, I’ve got a certain person in mind,” I told her. “But if they can’t do it, I’ll let you know.”
“Just be thorough about it Laurie. I’m sure it will be a good article. It may not be well received by some of the students, but it’s time they started learning that the world does not revolve around what goes on at the next Devonshire High School Dance,” she told me as she handed back my early notes.
I started to leave, but she had another question. “Laurie, is there any reason in particular why you chose this subject?”
“Why do you ask?”
Mrs. Schaeffer answered as if she were choosing her words carefully.“It just doesn’t seem like something someone in this school would want to write about. It's a very serious subject.”
I didn’t want to lie to her, but I couldn’t tell her the truth either. “Yes, there is. But I’d rather not talk about it right now or at least not just yet.”
She seemed to understand. “Oh, okay. Well, if you need any help let me know.” She answered and hurried to her desk to begin thumbing through some papers nervously, leaving me with the nagging feeling there has been something more to her question than it had appeared.
I caught up with Kurt later in the day. I wasn’t sure how to approach him about the subject. I decided to be straight forward about it.
“Kurt, I’ve come up with an idea for an article for the school newspaper. I talked to Miss Schaeffer about it and she approved it.”
“What does that have to do with me?” he asked.
“I want you to help me with it. I mean after what you said about still being friends and everything. And in a way it was you that gave me the idea for the article?”
“How did I give you the idea, Laurie?” he asked. I handed him my notes and he read the title.
“Discrimination, harassment, and violence against homosexuals in American High Schools,” he read aloud. “Gee Laurie I don’t know. I don’t think we should be writing about this.”
“Why not, Kurt?” I asked. “Look at the way Gays are treated and talked about in this school. Look at what they did to Norma and that may have been nothing more than a rumor. I think this school needs this article in the paper.”
He still seemed hesitant.
“Of course if you don’t really want to I’ll understand,” I continued. “I guess I’ll have to do it myself, and then it’ll just be my name on the byline and people will start to talk and wonder if I might be gay and then they’ll start harassing me…..”
He laughed. “Okay, Laurie, now you are playing me. You win. I’ll help you with it. Do you want to come over to my house after school today and work on it?”
“Yeah, that’ll be fine,” I told him. “I’ll have to run home first and then I’ll be over.”
After school I went home and changed clothes and was about to head out the door when mom stopped me.
“Where are you off to, Laurie?” she asked.
“I’m going over to Kurt’s,” I told her. She gave me a funny look. “It’s not what you think, mom. We’re working on an article together for the school newspaper.”
“OHHH!” she said. “Well I’m glad you two have been able to at least mend fences. He doesn’t think there’s hope for the two of you?”
“No, mom. He doesn’t. It was Kurt that gave me the idea for the article. Anyway, I’ve got to run.”
I gave her a quick hug and headed out the door.
When I approached the Miller home, I was a bit nervous. Although Kurt and I had spent many evenings at his home, it seemed a bit strange to be going back there. Then there was the unknown factor that I wasn't sure what his parents had thought of our break up.
I rang the doorbell nervously and it was Kurt's Mother, Colleen, who answered the door.
“Laurie! I’m surprised to see you,” she said. “Kurt told me the two of you had broken up.”
“We did, Mrs. Miller, but we're still friends. Kurt’s supposed to work with me on an article for the school newspaper.”
“He’s up in his room,” she told me. “I really was sorry to see the two of you break up though. I thought you were a great couple and….”
She paused then whispered, “and you were a lot better influence than his friend, Chuck. Of course, in a way it’s probably a good thing the two of you didn’t get too serious. Kurt will be going off to Arizona State, next year. And I’m sure you will be going off to college also. Where are you going, Laurie? Have you made up your mind?”
“I’ve applied to U.C.L.A.,” I told her. “I don’t want to be too far away from home.”
“U.C.L.A. is a great college, Laurie. Especially since you’re going to be studying medicine. I’m sure you’ll do well.”
At that moment Kurt came into the room. “Ready to get started,” he asked.
“Sure,” I told him.
"Would it be okay if we did our research in Dad's study," Kurt asked his mom. I was glad he had asked. I would have felt awkward going back up to his bedroom after what had transpired between us.
"Of course, Kurt," she replied. "But if your father has left any papers laying out as he so often does, set them aside in the same messy pile. He claims that everything is always in a certain order and he knows exactly what paper goes where. Frankly, it always just looks like a mess to me."
Both Kurt and I laughed at that then headed into the study.
We spent about four hours that evening working on the article. Kurt had become as wrapped up in it as I had. At one point Mrs. Miller brought us in a sandwich to eat while we worked.
“You know, Laurie,” he told me as we started to wrap things up for the evening, “I read some of these things that are happening in this country, and I begin feeling guilty about some of the things I’ve said about gays and lesbians. I’m as guilty as anybody else about ridiculing them and telling inappropriate jokes, calling people queer and fag. Now I just feel stupid. I’m glad we're doing the article.”
“I’m glad you’re helping me with it,” I told him. “I’d have been afraid to ask anyone else,”
“Maybe someday you can live the way you want to without having to hide it, Laurie. Everybody should have that right.”
“Yeah, maybe I will someday, Kurt. Who knows, I may be able to get married and you can be my maid of honor.”
He laughed at that. “Just don’t make me wear a dress,” he said.
We decided to work a while longer that evening. By the end of the week we had finished our work. It was officially called, Acts of Violence: How Gay Teens Are Discriminated Against and Terrorized in American High Schools with the byline by Laurie Baker and Kurt Miller. It would run in two parts. The first one dealing with the acts themselves, the second one dealt with what could be done about it. Friday afternoon we turned the article into Mrs. Schaeffer, who promised to read it over the weekend.
On Monday, she called both Kurt and I to her room to talk about the article.
“It’s a great article, guys. One of the best I’ve ever read by a student. We’ll run the first part in the next edition. Of course I have to run it past Mr. Harding, the principal. He has to check all the school articles before we print them. He thinks the kids might be sneaking dirty words in code into some of the articles or some silly stuff like that. But there shouldn’t be a problem.”
"Do you think it will accomplish anything?" I asked her.
She shrugged. "Laurie, if we can open the eyes of just a few people, then we will be successful. Some minds they can't be changed. As Thomas Jefferson said "It is as useless to argue with those who have renounced the use of reason as to administer medication to the dead."
Mrs. Schaeffer couldn’t have been more wrong however. The following Wednesday morning as Kurt and I were headed to class she stopped us in the hallway and asked us to come into her classroom. She did not look happy, and her eyes were red as if she had been crying.
We followed her inside and she quietly closed the door behind us.
“What’s wrong, Mrs. Schaeffer?” I asked her.
“Laurie, Kurt, the first thing I want to tell you is that I think everybody should read your article. Just not the kids in this school, but everybody in this town. Unfortunately that’s not going to happen.”
“Why not?” Kurt asked.
“The principal says we can’t run it. He says it’s inappropriate content for the school newspaper, and that he’ll have half the parents down his throat if we do. He says most of them will find it very offensive”
“Uh…excuse me for saying this, Mrs. Schaeffer,” Kurt said, “But Principal Harding is full of it.”
“Yes, Kurt he is. He also says that if you would change the part of the article where it says much of the hatred and misinformation about homosexuality is spread by ultra right-wing
religious groups, and if you take the part out about the fact that this particular school breeds an atmosphere of intolerance, and a few other cuts he might reconsider.”
“A few other cuts?” I practically screamed it. “In other words, he wants us to cut the meat out of the article and turn it into the usual puff pieces we always run” I told her. “In that case, what’s the point in running it? This is nonsense!” I could feel myself getting angry.
“Laurie, Kurt, I’m on your side. I spent an hour in his office just now going round and round with him. He won’t budge.”
“Well, I suppose we could edit the article some and see if he’ll accept it,” I said.
“NO!” Kurt almost yelled the words. “It’s not right. If we do that than the article becomes meaningless. Isn’t there anything else we can do, Mrs. Schaeffer?”
“Kurt is right, Laurie. You can’t sell out your journalistic integrity. That’s part of the problem with corporate news and the media in this country now. The only difference now is that it’s all about money and has absolutely nothing to do with integrity. They seem to think that most people want ten stories of Anna Nicole Smith and one paragraph about the war or government
corruption. I’m afraid there is just nothing we can do”
Kurt and I left the room. We were already late for our next class but Mrs. Schaeffer had given us a hall pass. Once outside my anger boiled over.
“This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of!” I told him. “Our principal is a jerk. I think I’ll go down there right now and give him a piece of my mind.”
And I meant it. I turned and started to head for the stairs, but as I did Kurt grabbed my arm.
Whoa there, tiger!” he said. “You’re going to get yourself into some hot water going down there as angry as you are right now. You’ll probably say about fifty things you’ll regret later. Do you want to blow off everything you’ve worked for the past twelve years for a few moments of anger?”
“But, it’s wrong Kurt! It’s damn wrong! I won’t take this lying down!”
“Laurie, let it go,” he said softly. “There will be plenty more days ahead for you to fight this battle. Like Mrs. Schaeffer said, Harding isn’t going to change his mind. I’m just glad to see that at least you are finally getting some fight back into you.”
Kurt was right. The rejection of the newspaper article marked a change in how I felt about myself. I had put my heart and soul into it, and it had been needlessly stomped on. The rejection had somehow lit a fire under me, one that started me not only on my
way to come to terms with the fact that I was a Lesbian, but to fight for the right to live my life as I wanted to. It was the first time I had been personally affected by the stinging prejudices of the world.
By the time I got home that afternoon, I was just as angry as I had been that morning. I wasted no time venting my anger on mom and dad, which in turn earned me a quick reprimand.
“It’s just nonsense,” I told them. “Totally utter nonsense. How that stupid shit ever got to be a principal, I’ll never know!”
“Laurie, I know you’re upset but watch your language! I'll not have you using those kinds of words in this house,” Mom told me. I had never
come close to using that particular swear word around her before. I had seldom heard her use them, although Dag remembered one time she had spewed them out in droves when she was a kid. It had something to do with some girl telling Dag she shouldn’t call our parents mom and dad because neither of them had given birth to her.
“Can we read the article you wrote, Laurie?” Dad asked. “Sure,” I told him. “Anyway, I’m suppose to see Abby today so I guess today’s a good day for that. It might calm me down”
I left the house and headed downtown to see Abby.
I told her what had happened.
“Well, Laurie, believe it or not there are some
things you can do,” she told me. “I have a friend at the A.C.L.U. who might be able to do something. I’m not sure that is what you want though.”
“Why not?” I asked her.
“It’s going to mean a whole lot of publicity. Publicity is the last thing your principal Harding wants. And I’m not sure you’re ready for it either. It could mean people will start putting two and two together and assume that you’re gay. It could become very difficult for you. Worse yet, there’s a more than good chance it won’t change anything in the end. Do you think you’re ready for that, Laurie? Are you ready to come out?”
I couldn’t answer her. “What do you think, Abby?”
“Laurie, I can’t make this decision for you. If you’re asking me hoping that I’ll say to you either yes it’s
okay, or no it’s not okay, then I can’t answer you. As I’ve told you, those are the decisions only you can make. I can’t make them for you. You have to think of all the consequences of your actions but just the fact that you have to ask that question should give you your answer.”
When I left her office, I was disheartened but not disillusioned. She was right. I was not ready to be made a public spectacle of.
When I reached the house, Dad was out back grilling. Mom was sitting in the kitchen reading the article I had given her. She was so intent in her reading she didn’t hear me come in.
“Hi mom,” I told her softly. She looked up “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Laurie. I’ve been reading your article. I don’t’ think I’ve read anything so heart wrenching. I’m reading about this boy in Alabama that you wrote about, Scotty Joe Weaver. I knew things were bad in this country, but this is worse than I had imagined”
I knew the exact part she was talking about. When I had read about it, it had shaken me so badly that Kurt had to write that section of the article.
Scotty Joe Weaver was an eighteen year old boy in Alabama who had been tied to a chair in his trailer, beaten, stabbed, strangled and mutilated before being partially decapitated and having his body dumped in the woods and set on fire, all because he was a homosexual. If there is a total hell hole in the United States for gays, Alabama was it.
Nearly 44 per cent of gay Alabamans are physically beaten and assaulted – by their own family members. The infamous Judge Roy Moore, who made a name for himself for wanting to keep a giant slab of the ten commandments in his courthouse, and was planning on running for governor had declared, homosexuality was “abhorrent, immoral, detestable, a crime against nature.” Gay sex, he wrote, is “an act so heinous that it defies one’s ability to describe it,” an “inherent evil” that “should never be tolerated.” And if homo-bamians continued to insist on having sex together?
The state might have to use force, Moore wrote, wielding a biblical “power of the sword” to root out this evil once and for all. He could just as well have handed the citizens a rope telling them to go out and start lynching gays. After Scotty’s funeral had taken place, a group from the Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas had invaded Alabama to picket the church where Scotty’s funeral had been held, because they had not condemned his lifestyle during his funeral. I could see that mom was visibly shaken, and I knew when she reached the part about the guy in Roanoke who had walked into a gay bar and started shooting just because he wanted to kill some homosexuals, she would be upset even more.
“Was Abby of any help to you,” she asked.
“Yes,” she was. “She said she could get the A.C.L.U. to do something, but she told me it would mean a lot of publicity and that I would have to make that decision on my own.”
“And what did you decide?” she asked.
“That I’m not ready for that. I just want to make it through high school safely, right now.”
I saw her breathe a sigh of relief. She got up and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
“I think you made the right choice for now, Laurie. I never thought I would have to be this fearful of what might happen to you.”
“I’ll be okay, mom. Devonshire is bad, but it’s not Alabama.”
When I went up to my room, I mulled over what mom had said about me having made the right choice, and also about Abby saying that it was okay not to do anything until I was ready. Yet, I wasn’t so sure. I thought about Scotty Joe Weaver, the innocent victims in that bar and what they had gone through, and it suddenly made me feel very cowardly and small.
My parents tried to make it as joyous an occasion as possible, and I did my best to make them feel as if they had succeeded. Dag came over, there was a birthday cake, and smiley baloons. At one point during the festivities Dag pulled me aside and whispered in my ear.
"Come on Laurie, snap out of it. It's your eighteenth birthday, at least try and enjoy it. What's wrong with you anyway?"
I knew that I was lucky to have the parents that I did, as I had heard stories about mothers and fathers who had rejected their children when they had finally come out of the closet, branding them as perverts, deviates, soulless, and had kicked them out of the house and onto the streets with no place to live, and no where to go.
At one point, I finally worked up the nerve to give Angela a call on the phone. I was disheartened to find the number she had sent me in her email had been changed and was unlisted. I had to face the reality that any chance we had ever had of any kind of relationship was now gone. Yet, barely a day went by that I didn’t think of her at least once. I could only hope that someday, some way, some how, I would have the chance to tell her in person how much she had meant to me, and to tell her face to face why it had taken so long for me to write to her. And hopefully, if that day were ever to come, she could forgive me.
As for Abby, she was becoming much more than just my counselor. She was becoming an extremely good friend. She had already introduced me to her life partner, Jillian, whom she introduced as her wife, and then they had invited me into her home on several occasions.They were honest and open about their relationship, and had gone through a marriage ceremony in the brief time that it was available in San Francisco before the governor and the courts had ended it. Yet, I wondered if I would ever have found the courage to be proud of whom I was. Let’s face it, Dag could go to the mall with a boyfriend and hold his hand, but if Angela and I had done the same thing, there would have been looks of disgust possibly even taunting.
On Thanksgiving the whole family came together including Grandpa Frank and Grandma Arcadia. Dag came over also, accompanied by her boyfriend from the school, Reggie. He certainly seemed nice enough, and was totally opposite of what Andy had been. And best of all, he didn’t insist on being called Reginald. That alone put him way ahead in my book. He played pool with Dad, who hustled him out of fifty dollars, although I strongly suspect he let Dad do it though.I tried to gage how serious Dag and Reggie were about each other, and came to the conclusion that if it developed into a romance, it would take a few years, on second thought, maybe a decade. Reg seemed overly cautious, but not nearly as much as Dag seemed. I suspect Dag’s reluctance to get involved could be the result of what had happened at college with Professor Creepo.
On the Monday after Thanksgiving when we returned to school, Mrs. Schaeffer immediately hit the newspaper staff with a challenge.
“So far this year,” she told us, “the articles in the school newspaper, have been at best fair. You can only read so many articles about ways to improve school lunches or whether or not the cheerleader’s uniforms should be white with gold trim, gold with white trim, or black with gold and white trim.”We kind of chuckled at that, but she was right. Our school newspaper had become quite inconsequential in the entire realm of things, and most of the kids never bothered to read it at all.
“There is no reason why we can’t do better,” she told us. “There are many things going on in this world that will affect your lives, not just now, but in the years to come. It’s time for you to
get serious about the subjects you write about and to take up more important issues. Just because it’s called the Devonshire High School Gazette, doesn’t mean all the articles have to be about high school or even Devonshire. When you go home tonight, I want each of you to come up with an article you might work on either alone or with someone. Something of importance. Something that might really matter to some of these kids”There was a loud groan, from many of the students. But not from me, and not from Kurt, and not from a few others who having finished football season were now also working on the school paper more often. Kurt had decided to forego basketball and baseball, devoting more time to his studies to make sure he could get into the college of his choice.
Kurt knew that as far as athletic ability went, his was okay as far as high school was concerned, but knew there would be no scholarship offers in that department. I had to admit also that it was nice to see his friendly face in the journalism class.
That evening I sat at my computer trying to come up with an idea but all I seemed to do was draw a blank. But then I thought back to my conversation with Kurt that we had had out in the school parking lot when I had returned from my illness. I opened the Google search engine and typed in: Gay, Lesbian, Homosexuals, High School, and Discrimination. I clicked my mouse button and waited.What I saw was this: Results 1 – 10 out of 114,000. It had taken .28 seconds.
I sighed, clicked on the first link, and began to read.
It was going to be a long night of research, but after fifteen minutes of reading, I didn’t care if I stayed up all night, and feverishly began taking notes. Much of what I read would bring a tear to my eye; much of what I read made me angry. As many honest articles as there were about the subject, there were almost an equal number of sites ran by religious groups filled with hate, falsehoods, distortions, and innuendoes, trying to instill as much fear as they could into the general population.
I totally lost track of time until Mom came into my room and ordered me into bed.“You may be eighteen now, Laurie, but you still need to sleep,” she told me.
I looked at the clock in my room, and it said 12:30 a.m. “Sure,” I said. “I didn’t realize it was so late. I’m researching an article for the school paper. Just give me fifteen minutes to finish reading this article.”
Mom sighed. “Okay, fifteen minutes and no more,” she said and then left. By the time I shut down the computer and crawled into bed it was one a.m.
The next morning I went to see Mrs. Schaeffer about my idea and to show her my notes. She read for a long time before looking at me. She seemed to hesitate quite a bit.
“You know, Laurie, in a school like this and in this town this could be a very touchy subject. I’m not so sure this is a good idea.”
I was crestfallen. “Why not, Mrs. Schaeffer? Didn’t you just tell us yesterday that we should write about something that is important, something that would make a difference?”
She smiled at me, but it seemed to be a smile of uncertainty. “I guess I did say that, didn’t I. It’s just that….”
She didn’t finish as if she were looking for the right things to say. “Well, never mind, Laurie. It is an important subject and one that needs to be written about. So go ahead and research it and see what you can come up with. I would prefer that you work on this with someone though. Do you have someone in mind or do you want me to assign a student to help you with it?”
“Well, I’ve got a certain person in mind,” I told her. “But if they can’t do it, I’ll let you know.”
“Just be thorough about it Laurie. I’m sure it will be a good article. It may not be well received by some of the students, but it’s time they started learning that the world does not revolve around what goes on at the next Devonshire High School Dance,” she told me as she handed back my early notes.
I started to leave, but she had another question. “Laurie, is there any reason in particular why you chose this subject?”“Why do you ask?”
Mrs. Schaeffer answered as if she were choosing her words carefully.“It just doesn’t seem like something someone in this school would want to write about. It's a very serious subject.”
I didn’t want to lie to her, but I couldn’t tell her the truth either. “Yes, there is. But I’d rather not talk about it right now or at least not just yet.”
She seemed to understand. “Oh, okay. Well, if you need any help let me know.” She answered and hurried to her desk to begin thumbing through some papers nervously, leaving me with the nagging feeling there has been something more to her question than it had appeared.
I caught up with Kurt later in the day. I wasn’t sure how to approach him about the subject. I decided to be straight forward about it.
“Kurt, I’ve come up with an idea for an article for the school newspaper. I talked to Miss Schaeffer about it and she approved it.”
“What does that have to do with me?” he asked.
“I want you to help me with it. I mean after what you said about still being friends and everything. And in a way it was you that gave me the idea for the article?”
“How did I give you the idea, Laurie?” he asked. I handed him my notes and he read the title.
“Discrimination, harassment, and violence against homosexuals in American High Schools,” he read aloud. “Gee Laurie I don’t know. I don’t think we should be writing about this.”
“Why not, Kurt?” I asked. “Look at the way Gays are treated and talked about in this school. Look at what they did to Norma and that may have been nothing more than a rumor. I think this school needs this article in the paper.”
He still seemed hesitant.“Of course if you don’t really want to I’ll understand,” I continued. “I guess I’ll have to do it myself, and then it’ll just be my name on the byline and people will start to talk and wonder if I might be gay and then they’ll start harassing me…..”
He laughed. “Okay, Laurie, now you are playing me. You win. I’ll help you with it. Do you want to come over to my house after school today and work on it?”
“Yeah, that’ll be fine,” I told him. “I’ll have to run home first and then I’ll be over.”
After school I went home and changed clothes and was about to head out the door when mom stopped me.
“Where are you off to, Laurie?” she asked.“I’m going over to Kurt’s,” I told her. She gave me a funny look. “It’s not what you think, mom. We’re working on an article together for the school newspaper.”
“OHHH!” she said. “Well I’m glad you two have been able to at least mend fences. He doesn’t think there’s hope for the two of you?”
“No, mom. He doesn’t. It was Kurt that gave me the idea for the article. Anyway, I’ve got to run.”
I gave her a quick hug and headed out the door.
When I approached the Miller home, I was a bit nervous. Although Kurt and I had spent many evenings at his home, it seemed a bit strange to be going back there. Then there was the unknown factor that I wasn't sure what his parents had thought of our break up.
I rang the doorbell nervously and it was Kurt's Mother, Colleen, who answered the door.
“Laurie! I’m surprised to see you,” she said. “Kurt told me the two of you had broken up.”“We did, Mrs. Miller, but we're still friends. Kurt’s supposed to work with me on an article for the school newspaper.”
“He’s up in his room,” she told me. “I really was sorry to see the two of you break up though. I thought you were a great couple and….”
She paused then whispered, “and you were a lot better influence than his friend, Chuck. Of course, in a way it’s probably a good thing the two of you didn’t get too serious. Kurt will be going off to Arizona State, next year. And I’m sure you will be going off to college also. Where are you going, Laurie? Have you made up your mind?”
“I’ve applied to U.C.L.A.,” I told her. “I don’t want to be too far away from home.”
“U.C.L.A. is a great college, Laurie. Especially since you’re going to be studying medicine. I’m sure you’ll do well.”
At that moment Kurt came into the room. “Ready to get started,” he asked.“Sure,” I told him.
"Would it be okay if we did our research in Dad's study," Kurt asked his mom. I was glad he had asked. I would have felt awkward going back up to his bedroom after what had transpired between us.
"Of course, Kurt," she replied. "But if your father has left any papers laying out as he so often does, set them aside in the same messy pile. He claims that everything is always in a certain order and he knows exactly what paper goes where. Frankly, it always just looks like a mess to me."
Both Kurt and I laughed at that then headed into the study.
We spent about four hours that evening working on the article. Kurt had become as wrapped up in it as I had. At one point Mrs. Miller brought us in a sandwich to eat while we worked.“You know, Laurie,” he told me as we started to wrap things up for the evening, “I read some of these things that are happening in this country, and I begin feeling guilty about some of the things I’ve said about gays and lesbians. I’m as guilty as anybody else about ridiculing them and telling inappropriate jokes, calling people queer and fag. Now I just feel stupid. I’m glad we're doing the article.”
“I’m glad you’re helping me with it,” I told him. “I’d have been afraid to ask anyone else,”“Maybe someday you can live the way you want to without having to hide it, Laurie. Everybody should have that right.”
“Yeah, maybe I will someday, Kurt. Who knows, I may be able to get married and you can be my maid of honor.”
He laughed at that. “Just don’t make me wear a dress,” he said.
We decided to work a while longer that evening. By the end of the week we had finished our work. It was officially called, Acts of Violence: How Gay Teens Are Discriminated Against and Terrorized in American High Schools with the byline by Laurie Baker and Kurt Miller. It would run in two parts. The first one dealing with the acts themselves, the second one dealt with what could be done about it. Friday afternoon we turned the article into Mrs. Schaeffer, who promised to read it over the weekend.
On Monday, she called both Kurt and I to her room to talk about the article.“It’s a great article, guys. One of the best I’ve ever read by a student. We’ll run the first part in the next edition. Of course I have to run it past Mr. Harding, the principal. He has to check all the school articles before we print them. He thinks the kids might be sneaking dirty words in code into some of the articles or some silly stuff like that. But there shouldn’t be a problem.”
"Do you think it will accomplish anything?" I asked her.
She shrugged. "Laurie, if we can open the eyes of just a few people, then we will be successful. Some minds they can't be changed. As Thomas Jefferson said "It is as useless to argue with those who have renounced the use of reason as to administer medication to the dead."
Mrs. Schaeffer couldn’t have been more wrong however. The following Wednesday morning as Kurt and I were headed to class she stopped us in the hallway and asked us to come into her classroom. She did not look happy, and her eyes were red as if she had been crying.We followed her inside and she quietly closed the door behind us.
“What’s wrong, Mrs. Schaeffer?” I asked her.
“Laurie, Kurt, the first thing I want to tell you is that I think everybody should read your article. Just not the kids in this school, but everybody in this town. Unfortunately that’s not going to happen.”
“Why not?” Kurt asked.“The principal says we can’t run it. He says it’s inappropriate content for the school newspaper, and that he’ll have half the parents down his throat if we do. He says most of them will find it very offensive”
“Uh…excuse me for saying this, Mrs. Schaeffer,” Kurt said, “But Principal Harding is full of it.”
“Yes, Kurt he is. He also says that if you would change the part of the article where it says much of the hatred and misinformation about homosexuality is spread by ultra right-wing
religious groups, and if you take the part out about the fact that this particular school breeds an atmosphere of intolerance, and a few other cuts he might reconsider.”“A few other cuts?” I practically screamed it. “In other words, he wants us to cut the meat out of the article and turn it into the usual puff pieces we always run” I told her. “In that case, what’s the point in running it? This is nonsense!” I could feel myself getting angry.
“Laurie, Kurt, I’m on your side. I spent an hour in his office just now going round and round with him. He won’t budge.”
“Well, I suppose we could edit the article some and see if he’ll accept it,” I said.
“NO!” Kurt almost yelled the words. “It’s not right. If we do that than the article becomes meaningless. Isn’t there anything else we can do, Mrs. Schaeffer?”
“Kurt is right, Laurie. You can’t sell out your journalistic integrity. That’s part of the problem with corporate news and the media in this country now. The only difference now is that it’s all about money and has absolutely nothing to do with integrity. They seem to think that most people want ten stories of Anna Nicole Smith and one paragraph about the war or government
corruption. I’m afraid there is just nothing we can do”Kurt and I left the room. We were already late for our next class but Mrs. Schaeffer had given us a hall pass. Once outside my anger boiled over.
“This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of!” I told him. “Our principal is a jerk. I think I’ll go down there right now and give him a piece of my mind.”
And I meant it. I turned and started to head for the stairs, but as I did Kurt grabbed my arm.
Whoa there, tiger!” he said. “You’re going to get yourself into some hot water going down there as angry as you are right now. You’ll probably say about fifty things you’ll regret later. Do you want to blow off everything you’ve worked for the past twelve years for a few moments of anger?”
“But, it’s wrong Kurt! It’s damn wrong! I won’t take this lying down!”“Laurie, let it go,” he said softly. “There will be plenty more days ahead for you to fight this battle. Like Mrs. Schaeffer said, Harding isn’t going to change his mind. I’m just glad to see that at least you are finally getting some fight back into you.”
Kurt was right. The rejection of the newspaper article marked a change in how I felt about myself. I had put my heart and soul into it, and it had been needlessly stomped on. The rejection had somehow lit a fire under me, one that started me not only on my
way to come to terms with the fact that I was a Lesbian, but to fight for the right to live my life as I wanted to. It was the first time I had been personally affected by the stinging prejudices of the world.By the time I got home that afternoon, I was just as angry as I had been that morning. I wasted no time venting my anger on mom and dad, which in turn earned me a quick reprimand.
“It’s just nonsense,” I told them. “Totally utter nonsense. How that stupid shit ever got to be a principal, I’ll never know!”
“Laurie, I know you’re upset but watch your language! I'll not have you using those kinds of words in this house,” Mom told me. I had never
come close to using that particular swear word around her before. I had seldom heard her use them, although Dag remembered one time she had spewed them out in droves when she was a kid. It had something to do with some girl telling Dag she shouldn’t call our parents mom and dad because neither of them had given birth to her.“Can we read the article you wrote, Laurie?” Dad asked. “Sure,” I told him. “Anyway, I’m suppose to see Abby today so I guess today’s a good day for that. It might calm me down”
I left the house and headed downtown to see Abby.
I told her what had happened.
“Well, Laurie, believe it or not there are some
things you can do,” she told me. “I have a friend at the A.C.L.U. who might be able to do something. I’m not sure that is what you want though.”“Why not?” I asked her.
“It’s going to mean a whole lot of publicity. Publicity is the last thing your principal Harding wants. And I’m not sure you’re ready for it either. It could mean people will start putting two and two together and assume that you’re gay. It could become very difficult for you. Worse yet, there’s a more than good chance it won’t change anything in the end. Do you think you’re ready for that, Laurie? Are you ready to come out?”
I couldn’t answer her. “What do you think, Abby?”
“Laurie, I can’t make this decision for you. If you’re asking me hoping that I’ll say to you either yes it’s
okay, or no it’s not okay, then I can’t answer you. As I’ve told you, those are the decisions only you can make. I can’t make them for you. You have to think of all the consequences of your actions but just the fact that you have to ask that question should give you your answer.”When I left her office, I was disheartened but not disillusioned. She was right. I was not ready to be made a public spectacle of.
When I reached the house, Dad was out back grilling. Mom was sitting in the kitchen reading the article I had given her. She was so intent in her reading she didn’t hear me come in.
“Hi mom,” I told her softly. She looked up “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Laurie. I’ve been reading your article. I don’t’ think I’ve read anything so heart wrenching. I’m reading about this boy in Alabama that you wrote about, Scotty Joe Weaver. I knew things were bad in this country, but this is worse than I had imagined”
I knew the exact part she was talking about. When I had read about it, it had shaken me so badly that Kurt had to write that section of the article.
Scotty Joe Weaver was an eighteen year old boy in Alabama who had been tied to a chair in his trailer, beaten, stabbed, strangled and mutilated before being partially decapitated and having his body dumped in the woods and set on fire, all because he was a homosexual. If there is a total hell hole in the United States for gays, Alabama was it.Nearly 44 per cent of gay Alabamans are physically beaten and assaulted – by their own family members. The infamous Judge Roy Moore, who made a name for himself for wanting to keep a giant slab of the ten commandments in his courthouse, and was planning on running for governor had declared, homosexuality was “abhorrent, immoral, detestable, a crime against nature.” Gay sex, he wrote, is “an act so heinous that it defies one’s ability to describe it,” an “inherent evil” that “should never be tolerated.” And if homo-bamians continued to insist on having sex together?
The state might have to use force, Moore wrote, wielding a biblical “power of the sword” to root out this evil once and for all. He could just as well have handed the citizens a rope telling them to go out and start lynching gays. After Scotty’s funeral had taken place, a group from the Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas had invaded Alabama to picket the church where Scotty’s funeral had been held, because they had not condemned his lifestyle during his funeral. I could see that mom was visibly shaken, and I knew when she reached the part about the guy in Roanoke who had walked into a gay bar and started shooting just because he wanted to kill some homosexuals, she would be upset even more.“Was Abby of any help to you,” she asked.
“Yes,” she was. “She said she could get the A.C.L.U. to do something, but she told me it would mean a lot of publicity and that I would have to make that decision on my own.”
“And what did you decide?” she asked.
“That I’m not ready for that. I just want to make it through high school safely, right now.”
I saw her breathe a sigh of relief. She got up and gave me a kiss on the cheek.“I think you made the right choice for now, Laurie. I never thought I would have to be this fearful of what might happen to you.”
“I’ll be okay, mom. Devonshire is bad, but it’s not Alabama.”
When I went up to my room, I mulled over what mom had said about me having made the right choice, and also about Abby saying that it was okay not to do anything until I was ready. Yet, I wasn’t so sure. I thought about Scotty Joe Weaver, the innocent victims in that bar and what they had gone through, and it suddenly made me feel very cowardly and small.~~~37~~~
~~~Narration by Dagmar~~~
The first night that Reg kissed me was when we arrived at my apartment on Thanksgiving night after having spent the day with my family. With only two extra 
days off, Reggie had not seen much point in going home to Colorado to be with his family, but had made plans to stay there with them over the Christmas break.
I had invited him in for a few minutes, we had a drink, when he told me that he was exhausted and had to be getting home. I walked him to the door, he took me in his arms, and we kissed. It was nice, short, but very sweet.
“It certainly took you long enough,” I told him afterwards.
“I don’t believe in moving too fast,” he told me. “Especially after my last relationship. I imagine you might feel the same way.”
In fact I did feel the same way. After Andy, I wasn’t going to be one to just hop into another commitment. He kissed me again, and then he left. He didn’t leave me feeling starry eyed or dreamy eyed, but it was nice just the same.
Later, he called and asked me if I wanted to come to Colorado and spend Christtmas with him and his family, but I politely declined. I had missed the holidays with my family the year before because of the Andy fiasco, and I was looking forward to it this year. Besides, it was way too early in my relationship with Reg to be flying off to Colorado for two weeks, even if it was just to be with his family.
The only bad part was that Reg would not be back until New Years D
ay, and that would mean spending New Years alone. When Christmas break did arrive, Ronnie spent a lot of time at my apartment and Ada and I still got together for our afternoon coffee and round of gossip.
What I found out was that Glenn was now seeing Dina on a regular basis. They were dating at least twice a week.
Neither Ada or Ronnie had met Dina yet which I found kind of odd. And although I wouldn’t admit it at the time it was more than just curiosity that made me ask Ada so many questions about the relationship.
Ada didn’t necessarily approve of it either. She regarded someone who was a fashion consultant as too “high falutin” is how she put it, and certainly wouldn’t seem to be what Glenn would be interested in.
Glenn and Ronnie were going to visit Glenn’s brother and his family for Christmas however and Ronnie was really looking forward to it, so I was happy about that for him. They would be back just a few days after Christmas because Glenn would have to be back at work.
A few days before New Years, I ran into Harold Nye, the insurance guy (as he would often introduce himself in the hall way). I decided to try and be nice to him for a change, and asked him if he wanted to come in for some coffee and cake. He readily accepted, but as soon as Harold sat down he immediately began to talk about insurance.
I finally stopped him.
“Harold, do you try to sell insurance to everybody you meet?” I asked.
He looked at me sheepishly. “Well, I guess I do. Everybody could always use more insurance,” he answered.
I sighed. “Do you have many friends, Harold?”
“Well….I have a few, most of them from work.”
“If you want me to be your friend, don’t try selling me any insurance. I have plenty and I don’t need anymore. I’m being perfectly honest with you Harold. When I see you coming I do everything I can to avoid you because all you want to do is sell insurance. You can’t carry on a normal conversation. And I know this is hurting your feelings but practically everybody in these apartments feels the same way.”
He looked crushed, and didn’t say anything at first. “Am I really that bad?” he asked me.
“Yes Harold, you are. There is a time and place for you to work, and it’s not every hour and minute of the day.”
He held his head down and started to leave. I suddenly felt bad. “Harold, what were you planning on doing New Years Eve?”
“I thought about taking in a movie,” he told me. I suddenly had this sad pathetic picture of poor Harold spending a lot time at the movies alone.
“Well, instead of that why don’t you take me out for New Years?”
He suddenly perked up. “You want me to take you out on New Years Eve?”
“Yes, Harold. Just don’t get any ideas. We’re going out as friends and nothing more. And only if you agree that the word insurance won’t come out of your mouth.”
“Okay, Dag. That word won’t be mentioned. Cross my heart.” He started to leave once again then stopped and turned back to me.
“Uh…Dag,” he said, “Where does someone go on New Years Eve? Should I make reservations or something. I’ve spent the last five New Years Eves at the movies.”
“Don’t worry, Harold. I’ll take care of it. We’ll go out, have dinner and a few drinks."
“Sure, Dag, what time do you want me to pick you up?”
“Eight will be fine, Harold.”
After he left I sighed, not sure about what I had gotten myself into.
As it turned out it wasn’t entirely awful. Harold was the perfect gentleman and over dinner talked about his fam
ily. He had a sister, who was an R.N. and his father had been an insurance salesman also and that was the only time he mentioned insurance. He also told a lot of jokes and would laugh hilariously at each one. Most of the time I would have to force a laugh because they were simply awful and some of the ones he told were the same ones some of my second graders would tell me on the playground at school.
After dinner we sat at the bar and had a couple of drinks. It was probably the alcohol that finally helped Harold work up the nerve to ask me to dance. It was probably the alcohol that gave me the courage to say yes. On the dance floor the poor guy tried his best. He moved as if he was stuck in the tin man's outfit from The Wizard of Oz an
d he only stepped on my toes twice. Other than that, it wasn't too awful.
When midnight came, I was hoping and praying that he wouldn't expect a New Year's Kiss. One little kiss with a guy like Harold and he would be talking about marriage the next day. As it was I didn't have anything to worry about. He simply gave me a nice friendly hug.
On the way home he continued with his jokes and I continued with the best laugh that I could manage. When we reached the apartment stairs, he stopped to tell me one more joke before he thanked me for a great evening, and went upstairs to his apartment as if he was floating on air.
I had waited until he was out of sight to begin unlocking my apartment door. I hadn’t seen Glenn come walking down the hallway until he walked up to me.
“Well, did you have a good time with Harold?” he asked. “I saw him leaving just now.”
“Yes, we had a nice time. He was a million laughs.”
Glenn chuckled. I don’t know if it was because of the sarcasm in my voice or the look on my face that caused him to laugh.
“Would you like a small sample of tonight’s humor?” I asked him.
“Sure,” he responded.
“How did the monkey cross the road? The answer is it was stapled to the chicken.”
“Oh no!” Glenn said laughing. “Was it that bad?”
“Well, it could have been worse. I made a deal with him that he wasn’t to talk about insurance and he kept his word. As for me, I think I’ll pour myself a drink and fall asleep.”
“Can I help,” Glenn asked. “I have a nice bottle of wine in the apartment I’ve wanted to share with someone.”
“I’d love some,” I told him. It was certainly better than drinking alone.
I followed him over to his apartment. He motioned for me to walk gingerly. The lights were off and he made no attempt to turn them on. Ada was lying on the couch asleep so we tiptoed past her and over to the bar.
Glenn got out two glasses and poured us a drink. We toasted each other.
“I’m glad I came over, Glenn. I really didn’t want to go back into my apartment. I’d probably have cried.”
“Oh come now,” he told me. “It couldn’t have been that bad.”
“No, it’s just New Years Eve I guess. I don’t get this way very often. Sometimes I think back to my relationship with Andy and wonder how I could have been so stupid and naïve.”
“How long were you two together?” he asked.
“Oh not quite a year. But it will have been a year exactly one week from now that I walked in on his little hay romp”
“It must have been very difficult for you.”
I shrugged. “It wasn’t so bad. I was just naïve, too starry eyed and young to realize what I was doing. Don’t worry, there was no fatal damage.”
“A few scars, perhaps?” he asked.
“Hmmm…yes, a few. But they’ll heal.”
He poured another drink. “I take it that Harold and you aren’t about to become an item though?”
“Well, I’m still seeing Reg. So no, Harold isn’t in the running. Reg is okay though. He’s nice enough. I just don’t know if it will progress very far. I intend on taking my time and Reg seems very content to let me.”
We both grew quiet. I finally lifted my glass to him.
“Happy New Years, Glenn,” I whispered. He tapped my glass but he didn’t take a drink. Instead he sat his glass down then took mine from my hand and set it along side his. I wasn’t sure what to expect but somehow what he did, didn’t surprise me.
He put his hand softly on my shoulder, leaned in, and kissed me lightly on the lips, lingering just long enough to send a slightly odd, but very real tingling sensation through me. We stood there smiling at each other for a moment before he picked our glasses back up and handed one to me.
days off, Reggie had not seen much point in going home to Colorado to be with his family, but had made plans to stay there with them over the Christmas break.I had invited him in for a few minutes, we had a drink, when he told me that he was exhausted and had to be getting home. I walked him to the door, he took me in his arms, and we kissed. It was nice, short, but very sweet.
“It certainly took you long enough,” I told him afterwards.
“I don’t believe in moving too fast,” he told me. “Especially after my last relationship. I imagine you might feel the same way.”
In fact I did feel the same way. After Andy, I wasn’t going to be one to just hop into another commitment. He kissed me again, and then he left. He didn’t leave me feeling starry eyed or dreamy eyed, but it was nice just the same.
Later, he called and asked me if I wanted to come to Colorado and spend Christtmas with him and his family, but I politely declined. I had missed the holidays with my family the year before because of the Andy fiasco, and I was looking forward to it this year. Besides, it was way too early in my relationship with Reg to be flying off to Colorado for two weeks, even if it was just to be with his family.
The only bad part was that Reg would not be back until New Years D
ay, and that would mean spending New Years alone. When Christmas break did arrive, Ronnie spent a lot of time at my apartment and Ada and I still got together for our afternoon coffee and round of gossip.What I found out was that Glenn was now seeing Dina on a regular basis. They were dating at least twice a week.
Neither Ada or Ronnie had met Dina yet which I found kind of odd. And although I wouldn’t admit it at the time it was more than just curiosity that made me ask Ada so many questions about the relationship.Ada didn’t necessarily approve of it either. She regarded someone who was a fashion consultant as too “high falutin” is how she put it, and certainly wouldn’t seem to be what Glenn would be interested in.
Glenn and Ronnie were going to visit Glenn’s brother and his family for Christmas however and Ronnie was really looking forward to it, so I was happy about that for him. They would be back just a few days after Christmas because Glenn would have to be back at work.
A few days before New Years, I ran into Harold Nye, the insurance guy (as he would often introduce himself in the hall way). I decided to try and be nice to him for a change, and asked him if he wanted to come in for some coffee and cake. He readily accepted, but as soon as Harold sat down he immediately began to talk about insurance.I finally stopped him.
“Harold, do you try to sell insurance to everybody you meet?” I asked.
He looked at me sheepishly. “Well, I guess I do. Everybody could always use more insurance,” he answered.
I sighed. “Do you have many friends, Harold?”
“Well….I have a few, most of them from work.”
“If you want me to be your friend, don’t try selling me any insurance. I have plenty and I don’t need anymore. I’m being perfectly honest with you Harold. When I see you coming I do everything I can to avoid you because all you want to do is sell insurance. You can’t carry on a normal conversation. And I know this is hurting your feelings but practically everybody in these apartments feels the same way.”He looked crushed, and didn’t say anything at first. “Am I really that bad?” he asked me.
“Yes Harold, you are. There is a time and place for you to work, and it’s not every hour and minute of the day.”
He held his head down and started to leave. I suddenly felt bad. “Harold, what were you planning on doing New Years Eve?”
“I thought about taking in a movie,” he told me. I suddenly had this sad pathetic picture of poor Harold spending a lot time at the movies alone.
“Well, instead of that why don’t you take me out for New Years?”
He suddenly perked up. “You want me to take you out on New Years Eve?”
“Yes, Harold. Just don’t get any ideas. We’re going out as friends and nothing more. And only if you agree that the word insurance won’t come out of your mouth.”
“Okay, Dag. That word won’t be mentioned. Cross my heart.” He started to leave once again then stopped and turned back to me.
“Uh…Dag,” he said, “Where does someone go on New Years Eve? Should I make reservations or something. I’ve spent the last five New Years Eves at the movies.”
“Don’t worry, Harold. I’ll take care of it. We’ll go out, have dinner and a few drinks."“Sure, Dag, what time do you want me to pick you up?”
“Eight will be fine, Harold.”
After he left I sighed, not sure about what I had gotten myself into.
As it turned out it wasn’t entirely awful. Harold was the perfect gentleman and over dinner talked about his fam
ily. He had a sister, who was an R.N. and his father had been an insurance salesman also and that was the only time he mentioned insurance. He also told a lot of jokes and would laugh hilariously at each one. Most of the time I would have to force a laugh because they were simply awful and some of the ones he told were the same ones some of my second graders would tell me on the playground at school.After dinner we sat at the bar and had a couple of drinks. It was probably the alcohol that finally helped Harold work up the nerve to ask me to dance. It was probably the alcohol that gave me the courage to say yes. On the dance floor the poor guy tried his best. He moved as if he was stuck in the tin man's outfit from The Wizard of Oz an
d he only stepped on my toes twice. Other than that, it wasn't too awful.When midnight came, I was hoping and praying that he wouldn't expect a New Year's Kiss. One little kiss with a guy like Harold and he would be talking about marriage the next day. As it was I didn't have anything to worry about. He simply gave me a nice friendly hug.
On the way home he continued with his jokes and I continued with the best laugh that I could manage. When we reached the apartment stairs, he stopped to tell me one more joke before he thanked me for a great evening, and went upstairs to his apartment as if he was floating on air.I had waited until he was out of sight to begin unlocking my apartment door. I hadn’t seen Glenn come walking down the hallway until he walked up to me.
“Well, did you have a good time with Harold?” he asked. “I saw him leaving just now.”
“Yes, we had a nice time. He was a million laughs.”
Glenn chuckled. I don’t know if it was because of the sarcasm in my voice or the look on my face that caused him to laugh.
“Would you like a small sample of tonight’s humor?” I asked him.“Sure,” he responded.
“How did the monkey cross the road? The answer is it was stapled to the chicken.”
“Oh no!” Glenn said laughing. “Was it that bad?”
“Well, it could have been worse. I made a deal with him that he wasn’t to talk about insurance and he kept his word. As for me, I think I’ll pour myself a drink and fall asleep.”“Can I help,” Glenn asked. “I have a nice bottle of wine in the apartment I’ve wanted to share with someone.”
“I’d love some,” I told him. It was certainly better than drinking alone.
I followed him over to his apartment. He motioned for me to walk gingerly. The lights were off and he made no attempt to turn them on. Ada was lying on the couch asleep so we tiptoed past her and over to the bar.
Glenn got out two glasses and poured us a drink. We toasted each other.“I’m glad I came over, Glenn. I really didn’t want to go back into my apartment. I’d probably have cried.”
“Oh come now,” he told me. “It couldn’t have been that bad.”
“No, it’s just New Years Eve I guess. I don’t get this way very often. Sometimes I think back to my relationship with Andy and wonder how I could have been so stupid and naïve.”
“How long were you two together?” he asked.
“Oh not quite a year. But it will have been a year exactly one week from now that I walked in on his little hay romp”
“It must have been very difficult for you.”
I shrugged. “It wasn’t so bad. I was just naïve, too starry eyed and young to realize what I was doing. Don’t worry, there was no fatal damage.”“A few scars, perhaps?” he asked.
“Hmmm…yes, a few. But they’ll heal.”
He poured another drink. “I take it that Harold and you aren’t about to become an item though?”
“Well, I’m still seeing Reg. So no, Harold isn’t in the running. Reg is okay though. He’s nice enough. I just don’t know if it will progress very far. I intend on taking my time and Reg seems very content to let me.”
We both grew quiet. I finally lifted my glass to him.
“Happy New Years, Glenn,” I whispered. He tapped my glass but he didn’t take a drink. Instead he sat his glass down then took mine from my hand and set it along side his. I wasn’t sure what to expect but somehow what he did, didn’t surprise me.
He put his hand softly on my shoulder, leaned in, and kissed me lightly on the lips, lingering just long enough to send a slightly odd, but very real tingling sensation through me. We stood there smiling at each other for a moment before he picked our glasses back up and handed one to me.
He tapped
my glass again.
“A happier New Year,” he told me, “for both of us.”
~~~38~~~
~~~Written by Laurie~~~
The holidays were over, one issue of the school newspaper had been printed without the article Kurt and I had written. I was committed to the journalism class for the rest of the year but my heart was no longer in it, nor was Kurt’s. I saw less of him since we had finished work on the article, and I kind of missed his company. The next issue of the school newspaper was due out two weeks after we returned to school.
So exactly two weeks after returning from Christmas break, I was about halfway to the school on my morning walk when Kurt came running up to me from the direction of the school, out of breath.
“Laurie, I’m glad I caught you……you’re…..you’re….not going to believe this.”
He was talking a mile a minute, in between trying to catch his breath. “Slow down Kurt, catch your breath, and try again.”
He took a couple of deep breaths, and while he did he gave me a copy of the Devonshire High School Gazette which had just come out that morning.
My mouth must have opened ten feet wide. There was the article Kurt and I had written, with
the story headline in bold letters on the front page. Not only that, both parts of the story had run in this one single issue, with nothing else.
“Kurt! How did this happen?” I asked. “Did Harding change his mind?”
He shook his head negatively. “I don’t think so, Laurie. Everybody’s talking about it so be prepared when you get there. I think Mrs. Schaeffer decided to go ahead and run it on her own”
“But why, Kurt? Won’t she get in trouble for that? I didn’t want that to happen.”
“I don’t know. I know I saw her headed toward Harding’s office before I ran to catch up with you. Come on, I’ll walk with you the rest of the way.”
As we approached the school my mind was racing a mile a minute, and my palms began to sweat as they often did when I was nervous.
It was Gail who came running up to meet us. “Laurie! She ran your article! Everybody’s talking about it! Isn’t this great?”
“Sure, Gail. I guess it is.” I couldn’t help but think about what price Mrs. Schaeffer was going to pay for having done so. As we climbed the stairs at the font of the school, the rest of the students from the newspaper staff were standing on both sides of us. As we approached they were cheering and hollering, and I was slightly embarrassed by all the commotion. But it wasn’t everybody who was congratulating me. Chuck was standing by the door of the school holding his nose. Kurt gave him a nasty look as if to say, “knock it off.” He did, but he was laughing when he stopped.
We still had twenty minutes before class started, so Kurt and I quickly walked to Mrs. Schaeffer’s room. She was standing by the window gazing out when we entered, but then quickly turned around to face us.
“I thought I would see the two of you in here early this morning,” she said. “I suppose you want to know why I ran the article despite the fact that Harding had ordered me not to.”
I walked over to her. She looked extremely sad. “Why did you run it?” I asked.
“For a long time now, Laurie, I’ve been like so many others in this school. I’ve gone along to get along. It didn’t matter what the issue was. I adhered strictly to school policy, never voicing an objection no matter how wrong it was. Like so many others I wanted to be safe and secure in my own little world. But you can’t
live your life like that, Laurie. You can have all the money in the world, the best job in the world, but if you don’t have your integrity, you have nothing. How can I instill that belief in my students, or tell them to fight for what they believe in if I couldn’t do it myself? I did a lot of thinking over the holidays, and this time I decided to do what was right and stick my neck out, although I knew my head was probably going to get chopped off like a turkey on Thanksgiving.”
“I take it that it didn’t go over too well with Harding,” Kurt said.
She laughed, but it was forced. “That’s an understatement Kurt. He blew his top. He told me he was going to take it before the school board and I would probably be publicly reprimanded. I saved him the
trouble. I gave him my resignation effective at the end of the term.”
“NOOO! You can’t do that! That’s not fair! We need you here. You’re one of the best teachers in this school,” I literally screamed the words at her. I could feel tears beginning to form in my eyes. “If I had known this would happen I’d never have written the article.”
“Laurie!” she said sternly. “Don’t ever say that. The article needed to be written. Every word of it was truthful, moving, and well written. You can’t run away from standing up for what you believe in, no matter what the danger, no matter what the consequences. Do you believe in what you wrote? Do both of you?”
Kurt nodded then turned away.
There you go,” she said. “Then this is a small price to pay. Chances are, even if I hadn’t gone ahead and printed the article, I would have moved on. There are other schools in search of good teachers and I have excellent credentials. I’ll land on my feet, and hopefully I’ll land somewhere where I can teach the way I want to, where I can teach students such as yourself what it means to not only learn the answers to the test, but to explore what those answers mean and what they are about, and to make them want to use their thought process beyond whether the answer is A, B, C, or all of the above.”
She brushed away my tears.
Don’t cry for me, Laurie. You should be proud and happy, and now people have a chance to read it. Tomorrow you’ll wake up and the world will still be turning on its axis, and everything will be okay. If all my students were like you and Kurt, teaching would be the easiest job in the world.
Now you better be getting on to class or you’ll be late. There won’t be a newspaper staff meeting after school today, Laurie, but stop by anyway because I want to talk to you about something, that’ll help you understand more about why I printed the article.”
I nodded and Kurt and I left the room.
“You know, Laurie, I’m beginning to hate th
is school. I’ll be glad to be going to college next year and out of this town. I’ll talk to you later.”
He hurried off and I knew why. He was every bit as upset as I was.
After my last class I returned to Mrs. Schaeffer’s room, and she seemed in much better spirits.
“Oh, Laurie! I’m glad you stopped back in!”
“You said you wanted to tell me something?” I asked.
“Yes, I know you were feeling bad about me resigning and I wanted to make sure you were going to be okay. Sit down Laurie.”
“Sure, Mrs. Schaeffer,” I said, and pulled up a chair across from her.
“Laurie, school is out for the day, we’re alone and you are eighteen years old. I think I would like it better if you would call me Elizabeth.”
“Sure, Mrs….I mean Elizabeth.” It felt strange to say it.
“Laurie, the reason I wanted you to return is that despite everything I said you’re still going to blame my resignation on your article. I don’t want you to do that. There was another reason I had to do what I did.”
“What other reason could there be?” I asked her.
“Laurie, did you know that I’ve been divorced for almost two years now?”
I thought about it. Although she had always gone by Mrs. Schaeffer, I had never known her to mention anything about a family. Of course there would have been no reason to. “No, I didn’t. I thought you were stilled married.” I couldn’t figure out what all this had to do with my article.
“Yes, Laurie. I got married for all the wrong reasons. Don’t get me wrong, my husband was a good man, but I never should have married him. When we divorced, he understood why.”
“I still don’t see what this has to do with my article,” I told her.
“Laurie, your article hit very close to home when I read it. I think I was up half the night crying after I read it. And when Harding refused to let us run it the first time I had already made up my mind to resign at the end of the year.”
My mind began racing. Had she guessed my secret? Is that what she was going to tell me? It wasn’t, but I was totally unprepared for what she did tell me.
“Laurie, what I’m going to tell you is between you and me, and is not to leave this room.” I simply nodded and swallowed. “Laurie, the reason your article was so personal is because I’m one of the people you wrote about.”
“Huh?” I asked. “You don’t like gays?”
She chuckled. “No, Laurie, that’s not what I’m trying to tell you. What I’m trying to say is that I’m a Lesbian. I’m one of the people who has experienced the kind of discrimination you were writing about. I’ve managed to keep it hidden for all of my life. Nobody knows except my ex-husband, my life partner, and now you. Not even my parents know. But I’m tired of hiding it, Laurie. I want to go somewhere where I can be myself and not have to cower in fear of being found out So you see Laurie, your article touched me in more ways than you could ever have imagined”
I was stunned. I had never even thought about the possibility of Mrs. Schaeffer as being gay. But what was it Abbey had told me? That possibly one out of every ten people I knew could be gay. Still, it was quite a shock.
“Why can’t you be yourself here, Mrs. Schaeffer? They can’t fire you for being gay, can they?”
“Technically, no. But they would suddenly find a hundred of other reasons to get rid of me. It happens all the time. Just because there are laws to protect you, it doesn’t mean they always work the way they are supposed to. And with the courts becoming more and more stacked with Bush appointees who could care less about a persons right’s, it is making it even more difficult to get certain laws enforced. I don’t even want to go into the atmosphere of hate being promoted by Bush and many of his supporters, who would like nothing more than to lock us all up and throw away the key.
But there are cities and towns where it’s not nearly as much of a stigma to be openly gay as it is in this school and in this town, and I’m sure I’ll find one. There’s a whole wide world beyond Devonshire.
I just didn’t want you carrying the burden of my decision on your shoulders. When I first read your article, my immediate thought was that you had guessed my secret, which is why I asked where the idea came from. You’re a remarkable girl, Laurie. I think when I look back on my teaching career, you’ll be one of the students I’ll always remember the most.”
“I wish you could stay here. I wish things would change around here so that you could. But I understand. And Elizabeth?”
“Yes, Laurie.”
“I won’t ever forget you either.”
“Laurie, just you saying that makes me very happy. And just because I’ll be going away is no reason for us not to be friends. You can write to me and call me any time you want if you need advice or just somebody to talk to. And I’ll be here for five more months, so don’t be sad.”
“I won’t, Elizabeth. And you don’t have to worry, nobody will know what you just told me.”
“I know that, Laurie. I never had any doubt about that.”
I got up. I didn’t know what else to say or do. I simply told her goodbye, hugged her quickly, and ran out of the room to begin my long walk home. I made it half way down the block away from the school when the tears began stinging my face. Damn, I hate crying. It seemed as if I had spent a whole year just shedding tears.
Click Here to Continue Reading Laurie and Dag
So exactly two weeks after returning from Christmas break, I was about halfway to the school on my morning walk when Kurt came running up to me from the direction of the school, out of breath.“Laurie, I’m glad I caught you……you’re…..you’re….not going to believe this.”
He was talking a mile a minute, in between trying to catch his breath. “Slow down Kurt, catch your breath, and try again.”
He took a couple of deep breaths, and while he did he gave me a copy of the Devonshire High School Gazette which had just come out that morning.
My mouth must have opened ten feet wide. There was the article Kurt and I had written, with
the story headline in bold letters on the front page. Not only that, both parts of the story had run in this one single issue, with nothing else.“Kurt! How did this happen?” I asked. “Did Harding change his mind?”
He shook his head negatively. “I don’t think so, Laurie. Everybody’s talking about it so be prepared when you get there. I think Mrs. Schaeffer decided to go ahead and run it on her own”
“But why, Kurt? Won’t she get in trouble for that? I didn’t want that to happen.”
“I don’t know. I know I saw her headed toward Harding’s office before I ran to catch up with you. Come on, I’ll walk with you the rest of the way.”
As we approached the school my mind was racing a mile a minute, and my palms began to sweat as they often did when I was nervous.
It was Gail who came running up to meet us. “Laurie! She ran your article! Everybody’s talking about it! Isn’t this great?”
“Sure, Gail. I guess it is.” I couldn’t help but think about what price Mrs. Schaeffer was going to pay for having done so. As we climbed the stairs at the font of the school, the rest of the students from the newspaper staff were standing on both sides of us. As we approached they were cheering and hollering, and I was slightly embarrassed by all the commotion. But it wasn’t everybody who was congratulating me. Chuck was standing by the door of the school holding his nose. Kurt gave him a nasty look as if to say, “knock it off.” He did, but he was laughing when he stopped.
We still had twenty minutes before class started, so Kurt and I quickly walked to Mrs. Schaeffer’s room. She was standing by the window gazing out when we entered, but then quickly turned around to face us.
“I thought I would see the two of you in here early this morning,” she said. “I suppose you want to know why I ran the article despite the fact that Harding had ordered me not to.”
I walked over to her. She looked extremely sad. “Why did you run it?” I asked.
“For a long time now, Laurie, I’ve been like so many others in this school. I’ve gone along to get along. It didn’t matter what the issue was. I adhered strictly to school policy, never voicing an objection no matter how wrong it was. Like so many others I wanted to be safe and secure in my own little world. But you can’t
live your life like that, Laurie. You can have all the money in the world, the best job in the world, but if you don’t have your integrity, you have nothing. How can I instill that belief in my students, or tell them to fight for what they believe in if I couldn’t do it myself? I did a lot of thinking over the holidays, and this time I decided to do what was right and stick my neck out, although I knew my head was probably going to get chopped off like a turkey on Thanksgiving.”“I take it that it didn’t go over too well with Harding,” Kurt said.
She laughed, but it was forced. “That’s an understatement Kurt. He blew his top. He told me he was going to take it before the school board and I would probably be publicly reprimanded. I saved him the
trouble. I gave him my resignation effective at the end of the term.”“NOOO! You can’t do that! That’s not fair! We need you here. You’re one of the best teachers in this school,” I literally screamed the words at her. I could feel tears beginning to form in my eyes. “If I had known this would happen I’d never have written the article.”
“Laurie!” she said sternly. “Don’t ever say that. The article needed to be written. Every word of it was truthful, moving, and well written. You can’t run away from standing up for what you believe in, no matter what the danger, no matter what the consequences. Do you believe in what you wrote? Do both of you?”
Kurt nodded then turned away.
There you go,” she said. “Then this is a small price to pay. Chances are, even if I hadn’t gone ahead and printed the article, I would have moved on. There are other schools in search of good teachers and I have excellent credentials. I’ll land on my feet, and hopefully I’ll land somewhere where I can teach the way I want to, where I can teach students such as yourself what it means to not only learn the answers to the test, but to explore what those answers mean and what they are about, and to make them want to use their thought process beyond whether the answer is A, B, C, or all of the above.”
She brushed away my tears.
Don’t cry for me, Laurie. You should be proud and happy, and now people have a chance to read it. Tomorrow you’ll wake up and the world will still be turning on its axis, and everything will be okay. If all my students were like you and Kurt, teaching would be the easiest job in the world.
Now you better be getting on to class or you’ll be late. There won’t be a newspaper staff meeting after school today, Laurie, but stop by anyway because I want to talk to you about something, that’ll help you understand more about why I printed the article.”I nodded and Kurt and I left the room.
“You know, Laurie, I’m beginning to hate th
is school. I’ll be glad to be going to college next year and out of this town. I’ll talk to you later.”He hurried off and I knew why. He was every bit as upset as I was.
After my last class I returned to Mrs. Schaeffer’s room, and she seemed in much better spirits.
“Oh, Laurie! I’m glad you stopped back in!”“You said you wanted to tell me something?” I asked.
“Yes, I know you were feeling bad about me resigning and I wanted to make sure you were going to be okay. Sit down Laurie.”
“Sure, Mrs. Schaeffer,” I said, and pulled up a chair across from her.
“Laurie, school is out for the day, we’re alone and you are eighteen years old. I think I would like it better if you would call me Elizabeth.”
“Sure, Mrs….I mean Elizabeth.” It felt strange to say it.
“Laurie, the reason I wanted you to return is that despite everything I said you’re still going to blame my resignation on your article. I don’t want you to do that. There was another reason I had to do what I did.”
“What other reason could there be?” I asked her.
“Laurie, did you know that I’ve been divorced for almost two years now?”
I thought about it. Although she had always gone by Mrs. Schaeffer, I had never known her to mention anything about a family. Of course there would have been no reason to. “No, I didn’t. I thought you were stilled married.” I couldn’t figure out what all this had to do with my article.
“Yes, Laurie. I got married for all the wrong reasons. Don’t get me wrong, my husband was a good man, but I never should have married him. When we divorced, he understood why.”
“I still don’t see what this has to do with my article,” I told her.
“Laurie, your article hit very close to home when I read it. I think I was up half the night crying after I read it. And when Harding refused to let us run it the first time I had already made up my mind to resign at the end of the year.”
My mind began racing. Had she guessed my secret? Is that what she was going to tell me? It wasn’t, but I was totally unprepared for what she did tell me.
“Laurie, what I’m going to tell you is between you and me, and is not to leave this room.” I simply nodded and swallowed. “Laurie, the reason your article was so personal is because I’m one of the people you wrote about.”
“Huh?” I asked. “You don’t like gays?”
She chuckled. “No, Laurie, that’s not what I’m trying to tell you. What I’m trying to say is that I’m a Lesbian. I’m one of the people who has experienced the kind of discrimination you were writing about. I’ve managed to keep it hidden for all of my life. Nobody knows except my ex-husband, my life partner, and now you. Not even my parents know. But I’m tired of hiding it, Laurie. I want to go somewhere where I can be myself and not have to cower in fear of being found out So you see Laurie, your article touched me in more ways than you could ever have imagined”I was stunned. I had never even thought about the possibility of Mrs. Schaeffer as being gay. But what was it Abbey had told me? That possibly one out of every ten people I knew could be gay. Still, it was quite a shock.
“Why can’t you be yourself here, Mrs. Schaeffer? They can’t fire you for being gay, can they?”
“Technically, no. But they would suddenly find a hundred of other reasons to get rid of me. It happens all the time. Just because there are laws to protect you, it doesn’t mean they always work the way they are supposed to. And with the courts becoming more and more stacked with Bush appointees who could care less about a persons right’s, it is making it even more difficult to get certain laws enforced. I don’t even want to go into the atmosphere of hate being promoted by Bush and many of his supporters, who would like nothing more than to lock us all up and throw away the key.
But there are cities and towns where it’s not nearly as much of a stigma to be openly gay as it is in this school and in this town, and I’m sure I’ll find one. There’s a whole wide world beyond Devonshire.
I just didn’t want you carrying the burden of my decision on your shoulders. When I first read your article, my immediate thought was that you had guessed my secret, which is why I asked where the idea came from. You’re a remarkable girl, Laurie. I think when I look back on my teaching career, you’ll be one of the students I’ll always remember the most.”
“I wish you could stay here. I wish things would change around here so that you could. But I understand. And Elizabeth?”
“Yes, Laurie.”
“I won’t ever forget you either.”
“Laurie, just you saying that makes me very happy. And just because I’ll be going away is no reason for us not to be friends. You can write to me and call me any time you want if you need advice or just somebody to talk to. And I’ll be here for five more months, so don’t be sad.”
“I won’t, Elizabeth. And you don’t have to worry, nobody will know what you just told me.”
“I know that, Laurie. I never had any doubt about that.”
I got up. I didn’t know what else to say or do. I simply told her goodbye, hugged her quickly, and ran out of the room to begin my long walk home. I made it half way down the block away from the school when the tears began stinging my face. Damn, I hate crying. It seemed as if I had spent a whole year just shedding tears.
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